Tara Renathi: A Fall Into Darkness

Tara stared out the viewport at the landscape of Viscara as her shuttle began to lift off. She could still see her friend, Iradtoki who had come to see her off. Back to Coruscant was where she was headed. There were some things the council wanted to debrief her on, as well as discuss about her former master Karnz’s death. It would be a long trip from the rim to the core, but it would be nice to get away from the troubles of this system for a while.

Part of her wondered if the council was only recalling her to offer a reprieve to a padowan who had been in over her head for some time. A lot had happened since she came to Viscara. She’d made some discoveries, uncovered enemies, and fought for the life of a fellow padowan and lost, losing her arm in the process. Such a thing had to take a toll on a padowan, or she’s sure that’s what the council thought. And they wouldn’t be entirely wrong. However, she couldn’t shake the feeling that by going and leaving the fight before it was over meant she was failing yet again.

Tara closed her eyes and took a calming breath. The council knows best, she thought. But then, that’s what she thought when they split her and her first master up. What if by leaving again, Master Verrac gets in trouble and she is not there to help him when he needs it? The padowan shook the thought from her head. She could not fall prey to such doubts. She needed to trust in the wisdom of the council in recalling her from Viscara.

She let out a sigh as Ira became little more than a speck in the distance through the viewport as the shuttle made for high orbit. The force willing, she would see her new friend again, and her new master. Tara headed back into the hold and retreated to her quarters, laying down on the small bunk, and it was not long before she drifted off to sleep.


“That’s right Verrac, how can you protect…when you can’t even protect yourself!” The dark figure loomed closer to her master and seemed to grow before her eyes. “Who is going to help you now that your student is gone,” the sinister voice echoed as she seemed to be pulled farther and farther away from them. “No,” she tried to call out, but the word wouldn’t form in her throat. Farther and farther away they drew and she could see flashes of lightning followed by an agonizing scream!


Suddenly she was awake, breaths coming hard as she sat upright in the bunk. What could that have been? The force had to be telling her something! The figure, it was Acaadi, she knew it. Was this a vision of what would happen if she left as the council ordered?

Tara tried to catch her breath and she got up out of her bunk and paced around the small room. Surely if the force was sending her a vision of what would happen if she left, then she had to do something about it. Now was no time to leave at all, not when her master was facing dark jedi and needed her help!

That was it, she knew what she had to do. Now was no time for running away. She would not lose another master because she couldn’t be there to back him up! She exited her quarter and headed straight for the cockpit where she found the pilot.

“Turn the ship around,” she ordered.

“What?” The man gave her an incredulous look as he turned to regard her.

“Turn the ship around. I have to go back.”

“But…” he started to say before being cut off.

“But nothing. I need to return to Viscara now. Jedi business.”

The pilot gave her an annoyed look then turned back around. “Fine, but I’m still charging for the full trip.”

Tara let a breath out as he started to comply and she went back to the hold to wait.


The shuttle’s outgassing played noisily in the background as the ramp extended to Czerka’s private landing pad. At the bottom awaited her Master as she headed down.

“Tara, what are you doing back here? You were supposed to be halfway to Coruscant by now,” Verrac said.

“I know master, but…” she regarded him resolutely, “I split off from my master once before, and could not be there when he needed me. And I think you need me just as much as I need you, master.”

“You understand how arrogant that sounds, Padowan?”

“I do…”

Verrac flashed a smirk, but grew serious again. “There’s something else, isn’t there.”

“Yes Master…I saw something…”

“Something?”

“Acaadi…you were fighting him alone…and losing…”

Verrac frowned at the mention of his old acquaintance and pondered. “There is more to this that you’re not seeing, but I can’t put my thumb on it,” he said as the shuttle began to lift off.

Tara turned to look at the departing shuttle, then back to her master. “Well I’m here now. Might as well use me?”

Verrac sighed with some trepidation. He was clearly troubled, whether by her mention of Acaadi, or her determination to stay, she wasn’t sure. “What else can you remember about this vision?”

“You both were fighting on top of a cliff or mountain, and he was telling you you couldn’t win alone.”

Her master’s frown deepened. “If I didn’t know better, I’d say it almost sounded like a taunt.”

“Probably, but that’s why…”

“Not at me,” he cut her off. “At you.

“At me?”

He nodded an affirmative. "We’ll both need to meditate on this further for clarity, but in the mean time…we’ll be on our guard.

Tara nodded.

“Alright, come on.” He waved her to follow him back into the tower."


Tara snuck down the dark corridor. It was the middle of the night and she had not been the only one to awaken prematurely. She’d heard Verrac make his way out of his room. She did her best to hide her presence in the force as she shadowed him, though she had never been very good at that. She followed him down the tower and outside. He moved with a purpose and seemed preoccupied, which was probably the only reason he didn’t detect her.

She kept a fair distance from him to make sure she wasn’t pressing her luck. Where could he be going all of a sudden in the middle of the night? Out the city gates and due west. Was he heading for the mountains?

Suddenly he sprung forward in a force aided sprint, and before she knew it, he was out of her sight. She cursed under her breath and ran after him. Stealth was pointless now. She moved as fast as she could, but even at a run, it was some time before she got to the mountains. Pausing once she got past the valley, she closed her eyes and calmed herself, stretching out with her feelings to sense for her master. Once she had him, she sprung off at a run again. Climbing the mountain as fast as she could, she noticed a glow up above. Unmistakably lightsabers, she redoubled her efforts. Then she heard clashing. She needed to hurry!

Once she got close enough, she made a leap for the summit and pulled herself up. The lightning crashed and lit up the sky as rain began to pour down. And there they were, her master pressed in a pitched lightsaber battle with a dark figure…no, not a dark figure, the dark figure! Acaadi!

She instantly ignighted her sabers and lept in to flank the dark jedi, but he jumped back out of the way and refocused into a defensive stance.

“Tara! No, you’re not supposed to be here!” Verrac yelled over the downpour.

A sinister laugh emited from the dark figure as he looked on the two.

“You’re my master, my place is by your side!”

“Yet another protege here to fall. It must be hard, watching them all leave like your master did. Like you should’ve. Now you train this backwater effete in an attempt to right your wrongs. You cannot right them… Not without me. Not without us. Stop fighting, Verrac. She dies, just like the rest, because of you.”

“I won’t hear your taunts, Acaadi!” Lightning crashed again.

“No? Then defend yourself if you can!” The dark figure lept at them both making a wide sweep at their legs with his saber. Verrac lept out of the way and Tara caught his blade in a cross-block between her two blades and held him there, but he executed a spinning jump over the sabers and caught her with a kick to her head, sending her flying. He was about to press his attack when Verrac lept back in, forcing him to shift his focus back to her master.

Their blades clashed again and again, and the sabers lit up their faces in blue and red as they each tried to overpower the other.

“You can’t protect her, Verrac!” Acaadi planted another kick this time into her master forcing him back just as Tara stood to her feet and reset her stance to continue her attack. “How can you protect your padowan when you can’t even protect yourself!” He yelled as she began her charge back into they fray, then turned to her and thrust his palm at her, carrying with it a powerful forceblast!

Tara was sent flying over the edge of the cliff, still watching as force-lightning lit up the cliff followed by a chilling scream and suddenly in that moment as she plummetted towards the ground, she understood her folly. The vision wasnt a warning of what would happen if she left. It was a warning of what would happen if she stayed! She had played right into Acaadi’s plan, charging full force into it like a fool.

Yet in that moment of clarity, time seemed to slow down for her and she knew she had to try and slow her descent or this would be the end. She desparately called the force to her, trying slow herself down, and it seemed to be working, until she slammed into the side of another rockface, bounced away, slamming into another outcropping, and her concentration was lost, and she tumbled down, down into the darkness of the ravine below.

And then darkness was all she knew.


She awoke to more rain beating down on her. Wincing at pain that seemed to come from all over, she sat up with a grunt. Her head pounded and already she felt dizzy.

Verrac… she thought of her master and looked up the side of the cliff that had nearly been the death of her, and immediately she cringed at the daylight shining through distant clouds. How long had she been lying here?

She closed her eyes and tried to call the force to her to give her strength, but she had trouble concentrating. Gritting her teeth, she forced herself to her feet and stumbled against the rockface, leaning against it for a minute.

The pounding in her head beat harder and she felt sick to her stomach. No doubt she had a concussion, but she wasn’t going to get better lying at the bottom of a ravine. She looked around, trying to get her bearings, and spotted her lightsabers lying nearby on the ground. She grunted as she made her way over to them and nearly fell over trying to bend down to pick them up.

She panted at the effort of such a simple task and returned the hilts to her belt, then grunted painfully as she forced herself back up again and braced a hand against the stone. She took another minute to catch her breath and then began her painful trek out of the mountains. It was all she could do to avoid the cairnmogs and raviors, but she pushed herself on. She forced herself to focus and all she could see was continuing on. One foot after the other.

She barely even noticed as she emerged from the valley into the grasslands, and then there was something barking at her. She forced herself to focus on it and nearly stumbled again as she turned to see the kath hound charging her. She tried to get away from it, but was in no condition to run, and toppled over, falling down onto the bank of the lake and getting a facefull of wet sand.

The Kath stood at the ledge and barked at her as she clawed away, making it to the pier as the hound tried to find a way down from the ledge. She made it all the way to the edge of the dock when she couldn’t stand any longer. For a moment she wavered, then stumbled, and tumbled over into the lake. And once again, darkness took her.

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She awoke to flickering lights. Groggy and painfully sore, she winced as she slowly became aware of the damp smell of rock and dirt. Laying there on her back as the fog slowly cleared from her vision, she could only see shadows dancing over some cave ceiling.

It was quiet. Far more quiet than she’d experienced in a long time. Her taxed breathing was loud in her ears wheezing in and out. As her senses started to sharpen with her consciousness, pain came. She hurt all over, but especially her chest and her shoulder.

She took a deep breath and immediately regretted it. She groaned aloud in pain as her inflating lungs pressed against what was undoubtedly broken ribs. Then there was the sound of movement nearby and she realized suddenly she was not alone.

The figure came over and layed their hands on her, coaxing her to lay back and relax, shushing her, and then consciousness was lost again.

When she awoke again, much of the previous pain she’d felt before was gone, though her chest and shoulder were still tender. Tara looked around the cave for the figure she’d seen just before passing out before and spotted him tending to a space heater. The first thing she noticed about him was his old ragged jedi tunic. Dirty and torn from too much wear, it looked like he had been out here for quite some time.

The man looked up as he felt her attention on him, and he looked over at her with his bearded face which framed his calm eyes, green as Telosian plains. He stood from the heater and made his way back over to her.

“How do you feel?”

Tara looked the man up and down, and then herself. She wasn’t any cleaner than him, and she was missing her prosthetic arm. Looking back to him, she pondered the man. She had no idea who he was, but she couldn’t help but shake the feeling that he was familiar somehow. More than that, she couldn’t tell. He was hard to read other than his immediate concern for her welbeing and a kind bedside manner.

She began to answer, but coughed, her throat dry from too much time asleep.

“Here, drink this,” he said as he brought a cup to her lips.

Just water, she determined from a tenative taste, she drank down the refresshing fluid thirstily, swallowing. He set the cup away and she reached up with her stump arm to wipe her mouth.

“Better,” she finaly answered him.

“Good,” he replied. “I’m sure you have questions. You can call me Gan.”

“I’m Tara,” she said cautiously as she studied him.

He motioned for her to go ahead.

She took a breath and winced slightly, but kept her attention on him. “Where are we, what happened?”

Gan nodded at the expected questions. “You didn’t make it far out of the mountains after that fight, and nearly drowned, so I fished you out of the lake and brought you back here.”

The fight. The reason she convinced herself she was needed to come back, but the real reason the council had wanted her to return. Verrac. What had become of her master? She was almost afraid to ask.

“How long have I been unconscious?”

“You’ve been in and out for about a week now.”

A week? That was no good. An awful lot could happen in a week. And there was something else. Something felt very wrong. Or more like the absense of right. She looked at Gan in apprehension. “You mentioned the fight…do you know what happened?”

“I couldn’t tell very well. I heard a lot of yelling, fighting, screaming, and then it was over. By the time I found you, you were already on your way back, but then fell into the lake.”

She couldn’t escape the growing sense of dread. “What happened to Verrac,” she asked hesitantly.

“Verrac? That was your master?”

“Yes…please tell me,” she urged.

Gan gave a heavy sigh and shook his head. “Its been all over the holonet. Your master attacked Veles and was killed by the local jedi.”

It was as if the wind got knocked out of her. Her vision, the absence she felt, the growing dread, it all lead to this. It all lead to the death of her master. Again.

Tara lied back down, staring up at the cave-ceiling in disbelief and self-reproach. She couldn’t believe it. She had lost another master, and this time, it was all her fault.

Tara sat at the makeshift table, made from shipping containers and an old blanket doubling as a tablecloth. Gan had fixed up the place a bit since she’d been with him. It was an effort by him to make her feel more at home, which was almost sweet, but it only had a limited effect. His cave felt no more like home than any place in the galaxy would right now.

To her, her home was not so much a place, but the feeling of belonging she’d had with her masters. First with Jel, and later Verrac. And now that was gone. It had only been a couple weeks since she woke up out here in Gan’s little mountain hovel. After she heard about her second master’s death from the ex-jedi…she was guessing at that part, it seemed the most likely, she had gone several deays without eating and mostly just stared off as she just felt numb to everything.

Gan had tried to make her feel comfortable in the mean time. He seemed very sympathetic to her and had gone out of his way to be nice and try and reach her through her grief. So after days of brooding, she finally started making an effort to engage for his sake. It was the least she could do for all he’d done.

And thanks to him, she was much healthier now. He must have had some skill in force healing and induced healing trances. She was healed for the most part now, though her shoulder still gave her trouble if she moved it wrong. She looked away from her bowl of stew to the enigmatic figure sitting over by the candlelight. He sat there translating some old-style text, a task he’d been working on since before she’d met him in the dank cavern.

She could feel him become aware of her attention, but he didn’t show it. She studied the man for a bit, trying to figure him out. What was he doing out here secluded on a barely populated planet, in a remote mountain area far off the beaten path? She had seen his jedi robe, but never a lightsaber, but his manner was unmistakably jedi. The work he was doing on the old text meant he was out here searching for answers to something, and as secluded as he was, meant he did not want to be disturbed. But then why take her in?

She turned her attention back to her bowl and scooped out a bite, blowing across it to cool it then slurping it down. She thought to herself as she swallowed down the raivor meat. Was her destiny to end up like him? Alone and washed up, with no future of her own, unable to affect anything or anyone. How disappointed would Master Karnz be if he saw her now…

Tara emitted a sigh. It was the worst feeling for her. To disappoint her first master whom she was so close to. What would he say if he saw how she caused Verrac’s fall with her stubborn arrogance and presumption? The truth of her failure hit her yet again as it had so many times as she sat in this cave in the middle of nowhere.

She looked at her bowl and took another bite. And then another. And another. Repetitive motion. Automatic. Not requiring thought. Just numb. All was numb…

“How can you say that! Revanchists splintered the order and now that the war is over, where are they? Has anyone seen hide nor hair of them? Where are their so-called convictions now that the war is over? The council stayed out of the war for a reason, and they should have trusted their wisdom,” Tara argued emphatically. This had been a recurring debate between them, and he never seemed to listen.

“You mean like you did?” he retorted.

Tara flinched at his comeback, and Gan stopped himself short.

“I’m sorry,” he offered regretfully. “That wasn’t right of me to say.”

“Just forget it,” she replied in frustration as she went and plopped down on her bed, laying back and staring up at the cave ceiling.

Gan looked over at her for a long while as neither of them spoke. Two months had passed now since she’d been living with him, and it seemed the longer she stayed with him, the less she agreed with him.

The former jedi let out a sigh finally. “All I’m saying is…you said yourself you didn’t know why they didn’t act, and wished the order could have done more to help the people in the outer rim during the conflict.”

Tara rolled her head on her pillow to look at him, tensely, but saying nothing as he continued.

“The thing is, no one could explain it, not even the council. Not even when Meetra and Nulaa returned from the war to face judgement. They spoke a lot of caution and sensing some unknown threat, but you said your own master had felt that himself for much longer than the Mandalorian Wars. I just can’t help but thinking that feeling the presence of some danger can’t justify letting entire races and planets be obliterated.”

Meetra and Nulaa? How did he know about them? Tara stared at him for a long moment before finally speaking up. “You were there…on the council when they returned…weren’t you?”

Gan sighed and looked away, but didn’t answer. At least not right away.

“It doesn’t matter.”

“It would sure explain a few things about you,” she replied.

Gan looked back to her. “Like what?”

She indicated his attire, then his folded robe sitting on top of his footlocker. “The way you dress. Why you’re constantly pouring over that ancient book. The way you were able to heal me.”

He shook his head. “I was there, but I walked away from the order some time ago. Their trials were just the beginning, and the more time I spend thinking on it, the more I see there are questions that the order can’t and won’t answer.”

“Can you not just trust that they have their reasons for things?”

“That’s just it…I cant,” he replied.

Tara eyed him pensively.

“Anyway, you shouldn’t worry on me so much. You have enough of your own problems to contend with. You don’t need to add mine to them.”

Tara stares at him a bit longer.

“But that’s what you want, isn’t it? You hide it half the time, but the other half, you’re about as obvious as a stampeding ronto.”

She regretted saying it as soon as the words had come out. As much as she disagreed with him on these things, he was really a nice and considerate guy, and had gone far out of his way to help her and put up with her after her loss, even if he had been making eyes at her half the time.

She sat up and looked to her stump of an arm, cut off just above her elbow, yet another constant reminder of one of her failures.

"Would you regret letting yourself feel such intensity,” he finally asked, “other than your own regret?”

Tara didn’t meet his eyes, instead looked to the opposite end of the stone room.

“I let myself feel something once. It did not end well,” she said resolutely. “Besides…regret is the most honest feeling I know.” She would not make the mistake she made with Seela again. It had been a mistake to indulge in their brief flirtation months ago and had only made their lives chaotic and ruined their friendship. No…it was other things that ruined our friendship… she thought to herself.

Gan had come over to her side of the room and he was sitting down on her bed to look at her, trying to pull her gaze back to him. “It can be honest, until you allow yourself to dwell on it…”

“You think I should just not care about my failures? To just go on with my life saying, ‘ohoh, I believe in no regrets,’ just to justify clearing my conscience when others were depending on me?”

“Look…you don’t owe them anything. Especially not the way you told me they were treating you in the end. Constant beratements, always questioning your input, inviting you to long meetings just so they can yell at you the whole time…they have not treated you like a true colleague or ally. And you don’t need to live out your life according to their rules…”

Tara turned to look at him, her face a mask of tension. “And you don’t need to save me from them.”

“I’m just saying it’s okay to live for yourself, Tara…”

She eyed him as he sat near her. He looked into her eyes and she could not help but feel a certain dread as she knew what was coming.

He was quite handsome in his own way, well, if you could ignore his unkempt appearance and worn attire. It was just not something she was looking for. Not with him, and not in this moment. He apparently wanted her to forsake the order and stay here with him for…who knows how long. However long it was, it would not be in the way that he wanted, and he should really know better. Those rules he called “theirs” had been her way of life as long as she could remember. They were more her rules than they were Seela’s and Althea’s, that much was definite.

Still, just as she knew he would, with those big eyes of his gazing at her, he leaned in and tried to kiss her. She did not push him away, but she did not respond. And once he pulled back, she looked away, silent.

“I’m sorry…” he said.

“I know,” she replied, still not looking at him.

He would not make this mistake again.

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“Take cover! Take cover!”
Blaster bolts sizzled overhead. Deep snorting warcries sounded as thunderous footfalls headed her way.
Everyone was screaming.
Lightsabers flashed.
Grunting, clashing, thudding.
Body after body fell.
Then there was a shrill scream as axe met chest somewhere, and then a man fell. Then another, this one familiar. And then a woman fell right in front of her. Brown hair pulled back into dual buns, blue eyes open and staring back at her.
Althea…
“Where were you…we needed you…I still…” her voice trails off as blood leaks out of the corner of her mouth.
Then its Sandra kneeling down before her, brandishing her lightsaber valiantly and waving Tara up as she deflects blaster bolts, and then blocks an incoming vibroaxe.
“If you are not dead, then rise, sister. A Mana does not sit while the galaxy is unwell!” The jedi knight stands before her then stomps the ground for emphasis. “Let us go!”


Tara started awake, panting as she sat up and trembling as the images played through her head. The wind howled outside the cave as thunder crashed loudly. She was in a cold sweat. This night was too familiar. Just like the night they faced Acaadi.

Tara shivered as a chill ran up her spine. The sky thundered again and she practically jumped out of bed. She went over to the mouth of the cave to peer outside at the pouring rain. There were several lighting stikes in the distance. This was about as bad as any storm on Viscara that she’d ever seen.

She hugged herself as the cold wind wailed against the cave entrance like it was a flute. Images of the dream played through her head again. That scream…someone very important to someone had died. No…people had died. What was going on with these people while she was living out here in the mountains like some double-hermit.

Tara shivered again and ducked back inside, making her way back to their living area. She paused where the cave opened up into the chamber to center herself. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes, and let the force fill her senses.

It had been some time since she tried to do this, but this time, there was something familiar she hadn’t felt in an even longer time. She opened her eyes frowning, and her stump began to ache. It happened sometimes with bad storms. She suppoed they were just phantom pains.

Rubbing her arm sorely, she focused on what she’d felt moments before and delved deeper into the cave. Past their dwelling and past where he’d warned her not to go for sake of local critters. There were things dwelling in this cave, he’d said, that were better left alone. But this is where the feeling was leading her.

The cave wound around this way and that, and the sounds of the storm grew more and more distant, so much that it was just a faint white noise. She did not know where she was going, but wherever it was, there was something there that was very personal to her. Not her lightsabers though. Those she left back by her bed. But something…

That’s when she saw it. And she could not believe her eyes.


Tara threw her cybernetic arm down onto her sleeping roomate, startling him awake, and she stared at him with her fierce blue eyes.

“You said it was destroyed beyond repair! Explain yourself!”

Gan looked back up at her, bewuildered at the rude awakening, and tried to blink the grogginess out of his eyes.

“Wha…what?”

“My arm. You said it was broken beyond repair, but here it is, in near perfect condition.” She looked down at him expectantly.

He finally looked down at the artificial member sitting on him and blinked. He hesitated in answering and seemed aprehensive, then looked back up at Tara.

“Out with it. I will not afford you any further patience.”

“I…hid it…” he said uneasily.

“Clearly. Now your explanation.”

He looked at her for a long few moments, but finally let out a sigh and shook his head. “I didn’t want you to go, okay? It was the order that got you hurt, the order that you sacrificed your real arm for, and the order that would ask you to do it again. I thought if the arm was destroyed, you might not feel the need to return to them.”

Tara stared at him for a long time. Her jaw clenched and her hands on her hips. She just looked down at him as if wondering what to do with him.

Finally, she spoke. “I thank you for your healing and your hospitality, but it is time I left. The force has lead me to this…” she said as she picked up arm back up off him, “and it is time I stopped hiding from what I have done. I must face the order for my disobedience and accept the consequences for what I did to my master.”

“But…”

“I will not hear it. They will decide if I am at fault or not. It is not your place to make that judgement.”

Gan gave another sigh and a resigned nod.

“Now get up and help me put this back on.”

He did as he was told and afterwards they hugged. Then she was gone. It was a half hour into her trek back to civilization when she found the piece of paper in her pocket. She withdrew and unfolded it. A note from gan detailing something he had translated from his text last night, and as she read it, she inhaled sharply. It was not some obscure jedi text…it was simply a book of poetry. He had left her with a poem.

She sighed softly as she read it. A nice, pretty poem.

A normal girl would have been moved by this, and she was too, but she could not indulge in it. She folded the poem away and steeled her heart as she continued her trek back.

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