Miss'arare'nuosho - Meditations and Tribulations

Haunted by the ghost of you…

He trudged through deep snow, his outline barely visible against the backdrop of the tundra as his pale camo-cloak wrapped around his back, laden with heavy equipment piled a foot and a half over his head atop a backpack, each step laboured and attenuated by a weary grunt as his gaze tracked upwards, squinting through the blizzard that whipped the visor of his helmet incessantly, spotting it. A thin slit in the rockface that he knew to hide a deep cave system, one only partially explored the first time he set foot there.

His head dipped towards his chest again as he pressed onwards, the deep cut footprints filling in behind him as he went, the roar of a Qion Tiger barely cutting through the roar of the snowstorm as he began slowly, carefully climbing up to his destination, his muscles ached and throbbed as the harsh winds battered against him, the backpack and gear he carried like a sail, catching it and threatening to toss him off into the canyon below. A pause, a deep breath, a moment to center himself and find the inner strength he needed. He felt his chest ache, the dreadful sensation spreading out to his limbs and burning in his muscles, snarling under his breath as he tensed up and threw out his hand to grab another boulder, hauling himself over it with a loud groan of effort, sliding sideways up over the top and rolling onto his side, impeded by the heavy load as he panted for breath, staring out over the long, partially frozen river meandering down the valley beneath him.

He rolled up onto his knees first and then rose completely, striding towards the mouth of the cave with a renewed vigour, legs pumping quickly now that he was out of the deepest snow. He slipped off his backpack and maneuvered it with himself sideways through the narrow gap in the rock, feeling an almost immediate relief wash over him as a feeling of safety crept into him, lifting his pack and descending further into the blackness, opening the visor of his helmet up as his red eyes shone brightly in the abyss.

After wandering for twenty, thirty minutes through the dark corridors of ice he finally turned right into an open cavern with the sun shining through the thin ice of the ceiling, casting a weird light upon the entire chamber that glimmered and shifted constantly. He precariously moved across an ice-slick bridge across a gorge below where the ceiling was thawing through, the drip having formed a treacherous hazard in his path. Half way he felt himself slip, sucking a breath and at once pushing off with his other foot, dancing a few steps along the crossing point and sliding off the other side, falling to the ground with his top-heavy pack throwing him off balance, letting out an involuntary grunt as he thudded on the cold stone floor, twisting and pushing himself back up and ascending again out of the lit-cavern into a dead end chamber, barely touched by the light of the sun. He let out a deep sigh and wrestled his backpack off, dropping it to the ground with a metallic clang as the equipment tied to the top of it rattled and clanked against itself. He began to unpack.


As the days past he built up his camp using that which he had brought with him. Enough prefabs and components to put together a portable heater to warm the living space, keeping the worst of the ice and glacial drip at bay. The flooring he had procured on day two after a short venture outside, wooded boards to level the cave floor and make movement safer, sleeping less unpleasant. A relatively simple device for converting snow and ice to drinking water was built, taking him back to his younger years, before the prosperity that came from the expansion of the colonies and the resource wealth that came with them. Before the wars he waged in the Ascendancy’s name. It didn’t take long before he had constructed a well-to-do home for himself, with plenty of space to move around, a bed, a workbench. Perfection.

He took a moment to rest, lying on his hard back as he rolled over out of the throbbing orange glow of the portable heater and reached into his jacket, slipping a photograph of a Chiss woman with long, raven black hair out of an inside pocket and brushing his thumb over her face as he cradled it within his palm, staring for perhaps a while overlong before putting it away again with a deep sigh.

Tomorrow, training began.

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Where’s the fire?

Sararen chewed over a thick cut, charred lion steak as he thumbed through some engineering blueprints he brought along over at his workbench, trying not to get greasy paws on the plans too much before he finally twisted away from the table and went to check his gear, rummaging through his backpack before securing it and closing all of the pockets, stashing it in the cave as he made his preparations to leave.

He went light, no helmet and no gear apart from a lightfoil by his waist, an involuntary shiver running down his spine as he stepped out into the wider chamber and ill winds howled through a gap in the melted ceiling today, his gaze tracking around the cavernous gorge below the icy bridge that lead up to his cave. He let out a low grumble and closed his eyes over for a few minutes, breathing easy as he focused and reached out through the force, perceiving it’s ebb and flow around the rocks and gullies, what lay within, the extent of the drop far into the blackness below. Then he jumped off.

He landed with a dull thud ten feet below on one knee before rising up to take a look around, grabbing his foil hilt and igniting the blade, using it’s thin slither of blue as a guiding light through the darkness of the pit as he descended down a tunnel, at first a walk, then he began to jog steadily, his footsteps plodding through the cave as he made good time, exploring a mile or so down a narrow tunnel before it opened up in a wider cavern, descending even further downwards into the depths of Hutlar. After pausing a moment to conduct what recon his eyes allowed he approached the beginning of a gentle slope down, squinting as he braced himself and tested the ground ahead with one foot tentatively. Very slippery.

The Chiss deactivated his lightfoil and took in a deep breath before stepping off and beginning to slide down the ice chute, bending his knees and extending his arms out for balance as he let out a shrill squeal, quickly picking up speed the lower he bent down, trying to straighten up a little bit to decelerate but he struggled to keep his balanced as he careened through the darkness, his eyes slowly adapting to the bleak darkness all around, picking out the shape of great icicles several feet across hanging deep down into a pit he could truly not see the bottom of. At once he came to the end of the ice, his toes finding rock again and the momentum carrying him forward to land hard on a jutting rock, knocking the wind out of him as he twitched and rolled onto his side.

He couldn’t breath, he could taste iron. He tried to move, but couldn’t. With great difficulty he managed to paw a hand at his stomach, his chest, trying to bring his hand out enough so he could see it, catching a glimpse. No blood. He choked a little bit on his own saliva and leaned over to gurgle and spit on the ground, his vision flashing in and out as he barely managed to look down at it. Not very much blood. Probably just burst the inside of his lip. At once he slumped onto his back and lay there for ten or fifteen minutes, then started to laugh in the pitch blackness of the tunnels, his chesty, rough baritone echoing through the tunnels, interrupted only by a few harsh coughs as he rested and got his breath back.

He picked himself up and brushed frost off the front of his jacket, reactivating his foil and illuminating the dark with the weird blue glow of it, long shadows cast by the many stalactites and stalagmites that littered the tunnel ahead, making his way through them cautiously, squeezing through tight gaps between them and trying not to break any off on his way by.

After the trench of spikes had been cleared he zigged and zagged through a series of chicane-like passages before the cave walls finally opened up and he entered into a larger chamber again, a dim light barely visible high above his head. He leaned over the ledge in front of him where the path seemed to end abruptly, waving his foil from side to side as he tried to make out any shape in the never-ending blackness below, to no avail. He looked back up with a heavy sigh and squinted, barely making out the shape of what looked like a stone pillar jutting up out of the abyss, probably only about five feet from the edge. He sucked his teeth for a moment, pacing backwards before shutting off his foil and stashing it on his belt again, bending his knees a little before taking a run up to the gap and jumping for the pillar, landing on it just barely and balancing himself, squinting ahead as he could see the outline of another, closer, leaping for it. His eyes slowly began to adjust to the dark, he saw more pillars spread out before him like stepping stones, gradually rising upwards and some of them so high that he didn’t think he could make the jump.

Without further hesitation wobbling above the abyss he started to move, weaving a pathway through them, avoiding the tall pillars and slowly but surely rising towards the higher end until he saw it, another ledge with a tunnel leading away elsewhere. Each time he jumped a quiet grunt escaped him, sweat dripping down his forehead as his breath quickened, balancing on one foot as only the final jump lay before him. His eyes darted left, right, down, trying to see if there was anywhere else he could aim for, the leap must’ve been six feet at least. Maybe he could’ve made it with both feet planted, but as he was, he couldn’t see how he could close that gap. He sucked in a deep breath and exhaled again, steadying himself upright before letting his leg drift down, hovering next to the other one as he pushed off with as much force assistance as he could muster, closing his eyes as he reached out, fingers splayed, time seeming to slow as he imagined his fingertips finding purchase on the rockface, snapping back to reality as he felt himself slam into the side of the cave, his hands barely gripping the top of the ledge and starting peel off. He let out a meek roar and started to pull himself up, scraping his chin on the rough stone before finally managing to get his chest up, leaning over and slowly pulling the rest of himself up, rolling over a few times away from the deadly drop and lying flat out on his back, struggling for breath.

His eyes rolled in his skull, blinking a few times as he thought he saw a light shining from down the tunnel, repositioning himself to crawl a few paces before rising up to his feet again, staggering down the tunnel, or up the tunnel rather, a fairly steep incline towards the faint glow of light reflecting off some crystals set within the cave wall. His fingertips brushed over the crystal as he passed it, his gaze turning towards the source of the light as he was overwhelmed slightly, Hutlar’s star shining straight in through a cave mouth and into his eyes, quickly turning away and shielding them with a hand over his brow, grunting as he trudged up towards it, peeking out and staring down onto the snowdrifts below, much higher up the mountain than before with no discernable pathway to go any further outside.

He retreated back into the cave and spotted another pathway that wrapped around back the way he came, if the time spent underground and all of the twisting tunnels hadn’t completely ruined his internal compass. With a sigh he pressed his back against the wall and slid down it, resting his eyes for a moment before continuing on.

Sararen followed the tunnel for what seemed like miles underground, with a fair amount of snaking back and forth through the earth. He brushed a hand over the tunnel walls as he moved along one, wondering absentmindedly what could’ve formed them for a moment before shaking it off and re-centering himself on the present. Up ahead, a warm light stabbed at his vision, his pace quickening to a light jog as he rushed to meet it.

He halted abruptly on the edge of a sheer drop, holding onto the cavern wall for support as he peered down to spot a familiar large bridge across a chasm as the iced over roof that let the light in. Back at his camp, just above it. Quite high above it, in fact. Probably why he hadn’t noticed this passage before. With a low rumble he lowered himself down and began scaling the wall back to his camp, finding a way with relative ease as his forced-enhanced agility aided him in the attempt, dropping down into the mouth of the cave entrance and wandering in with heavy footsteps and a deep sigh.

Even as his body ached he moved towards his workbench and began to carve a map of the internal cave structure into the bench, etching it into the metal surface as he felt himself leaning against it for support more and more. He drew out the winding pathways as best he could recall, more importantly noting the obstacles such as the ice chute, the stepping stones, the climb back down. Not a bad gauntlet, he laughed out loud a little as he couldn’t help but think he’d had a good feeling about this cave for a reason. Though as his mind relaxed he couldn’t shake an uneasy feeling, of a great darkness… elsewhere, elusive. It didn’t feel like it was close… even on the planet, but more than that he could not say.

He shook off the bad vibes and reached under the worktop to take out a small metal box, opening it up and withdrawing a battered old lightsaber hilt from it, examining it under the low light, grunting as he closed his eyes over and placed his hands upon it, thinking back to what Sandra had taught him, reaching out with the force to perceive the metal on a molecular level, feeling the imperfections in it, the tiny fractures and spots of rust. Time had clearly not been kind to Cath’s old saber, evidenced enough by it’s gutted state when they found it, though the metal was struggling. The Chiss grunted and reached into the box again and withdrew a few small chunks of Duralium and a Rancor tooth, laying them all out on the bench before him. He outstretched his hands on the bench and looked down at the work before him, humming softly before extending a hand to pull his Datapad from across the room and switch it on, beginning to draft plans for the repairs.

Weeks passed by and Sararen continued to work diligently on a number of different projects in the dark. His lightsaber hilt he considered perfected, all of the flaws and points of weakness had been repaired, removed or reinforced, leaving a clean, shiny metal sheath in its place, the end of it crowned by a curved rancor tooth. It lay within a case with a number of other small frame components and parts, waiting to receive the rest of its ‘guts’.

The second project was a continuation of his works on compact harvesting devices, branched off into a larger mining laser. The resource abundance of Hutlar had allowed him the freedom to experiment with many different designs and laser types, eventually decided on a pulse modulated green laser that still needed some of the kinks worked out, operating under a mark fourteen prototype designation.


He left his cave home with the latest iteration of his mining laser in hand and slung it over his back, ascending a fiberplast ladder by the entrance to reach the top of the cave. He unslung the mining laser and ascended a dozen or so steps that he had carved into the side of the rockface, dropping a shield over his eyes as he began blasting chunks out of the rock with a keen precision, the modulation of the green laser was so high that to the naked eye it appeared as a contiguous beam, but the Chiss squinting behind his eye protection could barely perceive the blink between blasts, stripping rock away cleanly from the site of impact and vaporizing it in the process. He could feel the device heating up in his hands as he finished carving out two more steps, adjusting some dials on the side before going for number three. The laser whined and screeched at him in protest before he even got half way through, a low rumble escaping his throat as he deactivated it and whipped up his glasses, assessing the red-hot, slightly smoking device before tossing it down onto the cold ground to chill.

Sara sat himself down on the edge with his legs hanging over, peering down around the cavern. In the weeks since his arrival he had developed a lighting system using the native crystals that seemed to have near mystical refractional properties, utilizing light poles in the main chamber to re-direct light throughout the cave network as required, the light bouncing from crystal to crystal and offering low-light illumination as it did so. He ran a hand through his scraggly beard and floppy hair, smoothing it back out of his eyes as he reached into his snowsuit and withdrew a ragged, half-empty pack of Czerka Brand cigarettes, fishing one out and placing it between his lips, gazing up at the sunlight shining through the roof with a light squint and a deep sigh.

He leapt up and grabbed hold of the metal bar suspended between two walls of the cave, pulling himself up with a low grunt as his chin crested the bar, lowering himself again. His broad, muscular back flexed and contorted with every pull-up, his bulbous biceps bulged as he dragged himself up again and reaffirmed his grip on the bar.

As he ground through the reps he couldn’t help but think about the day before, his adventure out with the confines of his new home. They all seemed to be doing fine. They probably didn’t need him.

"Twenty…"

He grunted out under his breath as he dropped down into twenty-one, eyes fixated on the wall straight ahead as he thought about each of them. Kairos seemed to have grown into a headstrong little Jedi, no doubt spreading insidious ruination and creeping despair where ever he went. Ca Jor was still bitter. Dace was still a good soldier. Abigael was still quiet. Feya still knew nothing. Jate’kara was still a traitor. Aiven seemed depressed. That thought did please him. His lips flexed into a wicked grin as he let out an audible grunt, feeling his muscles ache and burn as he hauled himself up and held there a moment.

"Fifty…"

His breath quickened as he kept going, his mind turning away from his former friends and companions, towards the people they saved, the innocents maimed and injured by Sith bombs. Their homes destroyed, livelihoods ruined, displaced and made stateless refugees begging for their next meal. He considered whether any of it was truly his problem, after all, had they been strong enough they would have stood up to the Sith and defended their home land, but none of them were, or none of them cared to be. So why should he? What was his code now? The other day he had felt hesitant to aid the wounded himself, though he could have, but should he have? Common morality suggests that one should, that it’s the right thing to do, but that is the same morality that leads the Jedi in their mindless mission. The Sith way might be more calculating, what value they offer the Empire would determine their worth, they may well have left the weak to their fate and focused on the worthy, there could have been less injuries among their own, less mistakes.

"Eighty…"

Sweat trickled down the sides of his face, catching in his beard as veins protruded and popped all along his arms, hanging for a moment as he steeled himself to continue. Why would he care about a person’s value… value to whom? To him? He needed no one, nothing. For that has proven to be the only true path, the only true strength, that which is held by natural law. Survival of the fittest. Those who walked out of that facility on their own two legs did so because of their own action, or because of the divine providence of the Force. Those who were saved? A more difficult question. Perhaps those who follow in the Light are want to do Good, and in that they have merely fulfilled the prophecy set out before them. Perhaps the same could be said of the Dark, of Malak’s bombers. Perhaps it is all just. Then again, perhaps none of it is.

"Nnhgh… one… hundred…"

He released his grip and fell to the hard stone floor with a dull thud, groaning and doubling over himself slightly as he slipped down onto his knees and straightened himself up with some effort, eyes closing over as he calmed his mind and focused, feeling the force all around him, drawing it into himself and into his weary muscles, slowly but surely overcoming the fatigue. Some moments later his eyes fluttered open and he stood up, a loud growl emanating through the cave as he turned around, then glanced down with a light chuckle at himself as he patted his stomach. Mmm, breakfast.

Mood


As he lay broken and bleeding on the streets of Veles he felt a strange sense of calm wash over him, seep into him and ease his suffering. The Force, wrapped around him like a blanket as he barely clung to life after another lesson from the savage Nrrax. He tried to rise but fell half way, collapsing onto his side and vomiting blood onto the street as a couple of refugees sidestepped around the pitiful sight before them. He flicked his tongue around his mouth and spat another mouthful into the red pool as he brushing a hand over his torso, grumbling at the familiar feeling of things poking out that shouldn’t be, applying both types of force to the injury as he pushed his ribs back into place with a sickening crunch, nearly passing out again on the pavement.

A few moments pass before he rises up on a knee with a wet, gurgling moan, holding onto a lamppost for support before he left the colony, shambling through the wildwoods step by arduous step, employing as much stealth as he was capable of mustering, on autopilot almost as he made for the one place he still had left to turn to.

— End of Season 1 —