Suriving to Tomorrow
Keeping busy was easy enough in a galaxy aching from the continued throws of conflict, even if it was one she was forced to behold at more of a distance now. No longer being the last to leave the burning battlefields or bolstering the units nearby. A beast of a woman forged through this war, trapped under it, alongside it. Finding this tiny gap to persevere in spite of it. Letting even a single moment’s lapse would spell the end, and she’d come to far to let it happen now.
Just make it to the end of the war, whatever it takes to see Malak’s defeat. To pay him back…
Her mind slipped back to that quaking moment of realization. Already having to hide and yet recognizing something hidden from her after all this time. Knowledge of an encounter now two years ago, only one person who had the means to access the device that he did.
He’s alive.
The Jedi had been hiding the truth from her, their twisted hearts even had her sparring with him on Dantooine without either of them realizing it. The shock setting in when he mentioned how she looked familiar, while there she was in her surviving grief of having lost so many, only to be denied the truth about the one who was managed to be saved. Her hands would find themselves shaking until they found purchase, be it on blades of grass, against whatever wall or furnishing was nearby, or merely clenched into fists.
It seemed the hurt was relentless. The ironic twist of fate and destiny that the time she should be standing at his side again she was in complete exile, barred from so much as making herself known to him, unless she should force him to make a terrible decision. Not that she wanted to believe he would do it, after all they’d experienced along the same lines, the truths being hidden from them, the restrictions no doubt in play. Forced along the path of redemption. A cold shard piercing her chest as she hoped unto the Force that their fates would not follow similar pathways. If anyone could succeed where she’d failed, he could. A path she’d taken to try and save Valerius might inadvertently had tempered the way for Revan. Perhaps in spite of it all she’d done one thing right.
Liar - Mistake - Burden - Failure - Traitor
"That’s what they called you…"
Her perception of others had dipped into sheer dread, not wanting to believe many would want to harm her, but there would be active harm to any who helped her. Pinched between those who were hunting her and those who she had to ensure stayed protected, those that shouldn’t suffer because of her. An impossible path to walk, and yet here we were. It was an agony knowing that her failure might well lead to its own internal war, this was the only way to avoid the backlash. Protecting the Jedi, those she cared for, even as she was driven off.
Thinking on it though, she knew in her core if she was called to act by certain individuals she’d have little choice but feel compelled to answer. There were few who’d managed to save her life, to demonstrate that she was more than a mere asset, but a person. To Revan, to Valerius she did owe it all. The latter having come at the news of her possible demise to confirm the truth months before, though the reasoning still eluded her. And she so yearned to ask. Shame welled up in her now not having reached out, not having let him know she was still alive. Wishing to see him, embrace him, reassure him. Surely he’d seen the bounty posting by now…
The Mandalorians had managed to help her, but they never asked for anything else further apart from her continued survival and to not stray back into the dark again of course. Gritting her teeth at the familiar demands as everyone expected their price to be paid. Willing to destroy her if she couldn’t comply. She already knew that to succumb back into the Dark side would be a final timer on her very life, not that she needed a reminder of such.
Time and again she’d return to places she knew, off the beaten path, bypassing the colony and their watch as much as possible to remain just out of any likely reach. The only way to be found was to let yourself be, though this was the longest she’d had to remain in such, a surreal stasis of isolation that reminded one they were still alive with the pain it brought.
A pained grumble escaping her as she analyzing each path forward, the ones she could anticipate seemed fruitless. Everything was based on some degree of acceptance and absolution, even if she were to put a blade to Malak himself. Once they had what they wanted she would be of no further use to anyone, no need to remove the reason for this flight. It was a crushing reality that had settled in, so many things left unsaid, so much she still wanted for others. So much she wanted for herself. So strong, but so alone.
In one of her many hours of lonely vigil and contemplation she plunged deeper into a meditative state. Shedding her body and burdens to allow the Force to flow, only attentive enough to know if anyone might approach. For now she’d managed to stay just a step ahead, just out of reach. No room for a greater plan than that, driven by the desire to see this present conflict through.
After that though, even she did not know. Slipping, plunging, diving into the immaterial…
What should have been peace and exploration awoke in a choking smoke and burning land. Standing over what would be an ashen sky was a shadow cast by long limbs and a horrific body, twisted and injected with red crystalline structures. An unnatural set of eyes turning, cast down, bemused, enraged, maddened. A deprived predator with a bottomless inside, a hunger that could never be sated. Every breath of it heaving with agony, the voice entering her thoughts was shattering, yet familiar.
"You can’t keep me out, you can’t unmake me. I AM you." The maw dripping with the blistering heat the melted all else, even a single bite could ruin lives. "You deny yourself retribution."
Horrific as the visage was it was also all too familiar. A nightmare you carry with you, seething white hot gaze with every irritation and injustice. The presence of ancient kings and terrible spirits stood beside her, just behind. All watching, attention affixed.
"Hid me so well, they have no idea. The pain. The denial. The RAGE. How much more purely it BURNS when you were wronged time and time again…"
Their gaze strayed towards movement out of the dim obscuring environment, smoke parting and reshaping to form the Council that lied, that condemned her for so little. Their positions too high, too fortified. But if their throats were laid bare before her, weakened, defeated, vulnerable…
Death, it would not cleanse the past, but the future.
"If you’re going to bite, bite like you MEAN it."
No.
No…
She couldn’t.
Letting her grasp, her senses slip, tumbling back through the ground as if it were a sea and releasing the fear of the plunge to let herself submerge, and drown. A point of existence out of reach, now she was falling faster into. Staying would threaten her control, her sense, her will.
The lone beast was again moving with a keen grace. While she had abstained from corruption, from the life taking path there was still a darkness returning to her coat once more. A necessary camouflage in the rise and presence of the hunter’s scent. Not weak, but not arrogant either.
Passing statues now aging like ruins, figures of domination, of tranquility, of a warrior’s spirit, unnatural perceptions that were hewn out of the natural. Before she would’ve seen them as pieces of the self, but in all actuality, much like the Force it was all connected. The division was the illusion, beings weren’t simply one thing or another. Though in the wake of many others she’d witnessed there were such terrible shadows she’d not been aware of until turning the corner, witnessing the new side. A vexed thought gnawed away, how one life, one existence caused such change and stirred such emotion in so many.
Always a step apart, everyone was individual yet she was always seen when she walked, emerged, stood. The haunting presence of others, of departed spirits of dark and light still surrounded, still whispered. But she was not so frail to bend to the sweet waters of power and destruction, taking in those softer tones of perseverance. That was what made them nervous now, that unwillingness to break, be controlled, to die on their whims.
An undeniable truth awoke with a tender wind that made the trees shiver, carrying with it the wind of potential. The antidote for many enemies is one friend. Finding a familiar grove to rest her form by, body and soul she was ever yearning deeply for home once more, a place she sought but never knew. One ear ever on the wind, listening.
Remaining out of sight, for now the Force was her only company. She needed help, needed saving. She no longer denied it. Something had to give, somewhere, somehow. Remembering the songs of harmony, the vibrations of the deep caverns and the Viscaran crystals.
The sound transcending age and language, the feeling of a deep personal void, an organic ache. The long cry into the twilight to connect once more to whoever could hear the somber song.
