Over the last few days of learning, I have come to understand something. You cannot be friends with everyone. You can try being kind to everyone, but not everyone has what’s good for you at heart. Nor will everyone be your friend in return. Some will use and abuse you. When they do, you need to sever those ties. I have been told I am not a good Jedi because I refuse to allow myself to be abused anymore. For leaving a situation that was toxic to me rather then be forced to face an abuser endlessly weather or not I liked it.
The thing is, I am not yet a Jedi, I am a Padawan. I am learning to be a Jedi and perhaps when I am better trained and more able to handle abusers and learn how to address them properly, then I can deal with Walessa. Right now walking back into an abusive situation is akin to putting the collar back on. I refuse to do so. My Master knows my limits, and its something she is working on with me as time progresses. I will get better over time. Until then I can only do as she teaches and try to better myself.
I saw Tara today, for what will be the last time. She has been called back to the Jedi council and it is very far away. She said her duties will take her far away from me for likely a very very long time, and until the day I am ready to come before the council, if I am ever ready for that, we will likely not meet again as they will not send her back this way. It was painful to lose a sister, but I maintained my smile for her. I stayed strong for her as I watched her board the ship one last time. I hope one day I will see her again. I promised her I would become a Jedi, the last promise I could make to her. I will become a Jedi, and I will make her proud of me.
For now my physical training must intensify to become stronger, better, more controlled. I have moved us to Mon Cala for some training. Me, Hriste and Zain. We will become more powerful. As I grow stronger and better able to protect myself and my friends, those I care about. I also consider too something Lanari told me. Perhaps she is right in it too. “It is interesting how we pick and choose what defines us as murderers, it would be wrong to kill you, but everyone murders Mandalorians and the cannibals in the Coxxian base like its nothing” While I am paraphrasing her words as I don’t remember them word for word, it is accurate. Even my hands are not free of blood from training against them and it has given me a lot to think about.
I want to create peace. I want there to be harmony. Yet I know such rarely comes without cost. Someone will still get hurt no matter what we do. Sometimes it will require actions that we don’t like. Sometimes it will cost people more then it seems to be worth to make peace. Sometimes, it won’t be worth the cost at all. What price are we willing to pay for peace in the colony? Its a good question and I think it is really one to consider strongly.