Slave for life...Iradtoki


#24

Over the last few days of learning, I have come to understand something. You cannot be friends with everyone. You can try being kind to everyone, but not everyone has what’s good for you at heart. Nor will everyone be your friend in return. Some will use and abuse you. When they do, you need to sever those ties. I have been told I am not a good Jedi because I refuse to allow myself to be abused anymore. For leaving a situation that was toxic to me rather then be forced to face an abuser endlessly weather or not I liked it.

The thing is, I am not yet a Jedi, I am a Padawan. I am learning to be a Jedi and perhaps when I am better trained and more able to handle abusers and learn how to address them properly, then I can deal with Walessa. Right now walking back into an abusive situation is akin to putting the collar back on. I refuse to do so. My Master knows my limits, and its something she is working on with me as time progresses. I will get better over time. Until then I can only do as she teaches and try to better myself.

I saw Tara today, for what will be the last time. She has been called back to the Jedi council and it is very far away. She said her duties will take her far away from me for likely a very very long time, and until the day I am ready to come before the council, if I am ever ready for that, we will likely not meet again as they will not send her back this way. It was painful to lose a sister, but I maintained my smile for her. I stayed strong for her as I watched her board the ship one last time. I hope one day I will see her again. I promised her I would become a Jedi, the last promise I could make to her. I will become a Jedi, and I will make her proud of me.

For now my physical training must intensify to become stronger, better, more controlled. I have moved us to Mon Cala for some training. Me, Hriste and Zain. We will become more powerful. As I grow stronger and better able to protect myself and my friends, those I care about. I also consider too something Lanari told me. Perhaps she is right in it too. “It is interesting how we pick and choose what defines us as murderers, it would be wrong to kill you, but everyone murders Mandalorians and the cannibals in the Coxxian base like its nothing” While I am paraphrasing her words as I don’t remember them word for word, it is accurate. Even my hands are not free of blood from training against them and it has given me a lot to think about.

I want to create peace. I want there to be harmony. Yet I know such rarely comes without cost. Someone will still get hurt no matter what we do. Sometimes it will require actions that we don’t like. Sometimes it will cost people more then it seems to be worth to make peace. Sometimes, it won’t be worth the cost at all. What price are we willing to pay for peace in the colony? Its a good question and I think it is really one to consider strongly.


#25

Dear Master,

I failed you today. I failed you today and your teachings, I lost my temper and even wound up smashing my datapad. It was foolish and I regret losing my temper like that, there is no excuse regardless of what was said. I immediately went back to my place of meditation and worked to clear my mind. Once I had done so I wound up spending some time talking to Teh and then decided I was tired of looking like a joke rather then a Jedi student.

It bothers me more knowing you will be disappointed in me for such a failure again and I strive to keep doing better as I progress through this. I hope my failure doesn’t bring too much disappointment.

//DM has permission to answer on here as well.


#26

Today was a test of patience and understanding, and I think I handled myself well. Master had contacted me saying it was important we meet up, that we had important stuff to talk about. We met at Hriste’s as my ship was impounded briefly. There she told me that I was not an Empath, I was in fact a Force Empath which is a part of Force Sense.

We started with a simple lesson, closing my eyes, feeling the force and then locating Hriste, Zain, Master and myself in the room through the force only. Zain was easy to find, he was like a beacon. Hriste was harder as she was like a star half hidden behind the clouds, but I think its because she’s not a force user, and of course Master and myself were easy.

Then Zain cut in about his Sabres, his Master, his issues, so I for the moment spoke privately with my Master about the concerns that he had, and she said Zain needed to trust his Master and that there was nothing she could do as Zain was not her student. Hriste and I both tried to encourage Zain that we would continue to support him and help him, but he kept on his pouting and fussing until Master felt she was stifling the place and left.

I felt frustrated and annoyed, my lesson had ended before we truly got started learning about my gift because Zain wanted to make a scene rather then listen. Rather then get angry or speak harshly, I quietly excused myself from the room to go and relax, refocus and calm. Zain means well, and I know he does. He is frustrated that he is not making progress. I get that, I do. He needs to remember though that while I find his feelings and needs important, sometimes it needs to be about me, and not about him.


#27

Sometimes I wonder if I matter to Zain at all, or if he just uses me to get what he wants. He tells me he’s my friend, then pulls stunts like this on me. After my Master left we started trying to teach him how to lift things using the force. I noticed he was struggling as he was trying to force a fibreplast to move so hard he looked like he was trying to poop.

I advised him not once, not twice but three times what was going wrong, to relax, close his eyes and stop focusing on the fibreplast but instead on the Force itself, to see his goal and let the force do its work. Every single time, he completely ignored me, I tried talking to him, to get his attention, all he wanted to do was whine how he wasn’t making immediate progress. I gave up, he literally refused to even acknowledge I existed. I just left after he started going back to how stupid he was and such. I wasn’t doing that again.

I don’t know if I am gonna bother continuing to try and help him. All he does is burn me every time I try, he doesn’t listen to me or the advice that will make things work for him, then he cries he is stupid, worthless, a dumb male…I don’t know what to do at this point.


#28

Master,

I have heard of the recent update, I hope everyone is alright, I will be laying low with Hriste for the time being and severing all connections with Althea and Seela, especially as they betray us so quickly as to side with Lanari. Though I now suspect we know who leaked the plans to her. My loyalty remains to the Jedi and I will continue my training as best I can. Please feel free to reach out to me through the journal as I have given you editors access.

I pray Master Verrac is alright and he is found and returned safely. May the Force be with you until such time as we can safely meet again, even if that means having to arrange meetings on Mon Cala.


#29

Stay strong, Padawan. I believe you can weather this storm. You have progressed much in the short time that I’ve been your master. Keep working on your exercises. We will find a time to meet soon.
May the Force be with you.


#30

I will do so of course Master, I will be offering my services to the Republic officers as a healer as well as seeking refuge there as I continue my training.

//Have contacted Miskol regarding this, likely to be done Friday.


#31

Dear Master,

I have met today with Walessa and started the path to recovering our friendship. It was difficult but something that needed to be done I believe. I was finally ready emotionally and physically to speak with her and I think we made decent progress.

She has offered to give me lessons on my emotional control since my Master cannot always be around and I think this is also a good way to work on building trust for both of us again. That’s the best I can do for now.


#32

Dear Master…

Althea has had the force power in her sealed. She said before this she saw Padawan Zhetta and spoke to her. Then she woke up in the lake unable to connect with the Force. This is deeply worrying. I am not sure what has occurred here but can the dead really do such? Zhettas words from Altheas memory, I am quoting Althea…

“I’m not dead, I’m the reason that were talking, that someone tried to take away my connection from the force because she wouldn’t let him. That her and I are connected and that she’s glad I said no to the guy.”


#33

A new memory has surfaced today, a fractured one still but still one present…a small house, me playing very young, men coming in, killing my parents… carrying me out…then the house burning.

It means I have no family left. My family was killed to take me.


#34

Padawan, this is worrying news… it tells me that there is someone upon Viscara capable of severing or blocking one’s connection to the Force… I imagine she is difficult to even look at right now as she will feel empty, devoid of life to one touched by the Force, but she needs your support in this time.

If she wishes to meet me i would not be opposed to inspecting her and offering guidance.


#35

Master,

I am working to support her even if I disapprove of what she has done in working for Czerka. I think you meeting up with her would be wise. I even advised her I was contacting you in regards to this as I see this as very serious. Please, do get in contact with her as soon as possible to aid her Master. I can feel her distress though she will not openly admit it lest she appear weak. I pray something can be done for her.


#36

My newest lesson was amazing. I literally had to hunt for my Master through the force while she worked to hide herself from me. It was mildly difficult but I still found her. I got to see more of her past through the vision and for a moment was sad for her loss, the soldier she had to carry out, this was before she lost her real arm, yet for all of it, she is not so heavily burdened.

We talked about my newest memory and how painful it was. Though I had also come to a realization. No, I don’t have any blood family that I know of. Instead, I have my Jedi family. My Master is always with me, always is a source of comfort when I need her, and if I truly need her presence, she has always fought to be right at my side. Althea was right. If -anyone- truly represents what a Jedi should be, its Nulaa, the only other that even competes in my opinion is the one that got me started on this past. Hohenfel. The rest, including Zains Master, are far too full of pride, arrogant and exactly the problem that is bringing the name of Jedi down on the planet.

Master is going to visit and speak with Althea, as I was concerned this disconnection is hers is very serious. I hope Master can help her. No one should suffer as she is. Not ever.


#37

Seela keeps trying to force Tara is dead, I do not believe it. I know what I saw when Tara left, and clones are a thing. Only Master Verrac saw her body and in his mental state, I don’t think he checked everything to ensure it was her. I do not put it past the Sith to clone her body and dump it to hurt the Masters. Causing exactly the effect they got. Everyone is so quick to accept shes dead, though I am not. I want proof she is dead. I would demand the same for Seela, Master Keyan and my own Master. Why is this any different?

Why can no one understand I refuse to just lay down and accept shes dead with no actual proof as such. Had I not seen Master Verracs body myself, seen undeniable evidence it was him, yes I would have demanded the same proof that it wasn’t a clone made by the Sith to harm the Jedi. She and I were very close. Her leaving hurt me, but the idea that she is dead, hurts a lot more. No one else may have gave two damns if she lived or died short of Master Verrac, which showed a lot in how they treated her and how they brush off her supposed death, but I do. I care. I refuse to accept anything such until there is proof.


#38

I worry about Zain, he struggles so badly to make his Master happy, and I am trying to piece together what he is missing. He talks about how he is not living the code, so perhaps he does not imply the Jedi code itself, but the Sentinels code. The way they need to live their lives, behave, every breath must be devoted 100% to their life style. Perhaps it is what Zain was missing. Zain almost seemed to have an epiphany when I advised maybe he was thinking wrong.

I hope he can pass his Masters trials, I mean there has to be a way for him to succeed right? His Master has to want him to succeed?


#39

A new flash back, Zain was talking about the lowest levels of Corusant, I don’t know exactly what triggered it, but my mind went to the slave quarters. People being lashed, chained down like a dog, small cages and cells. Some had lavish rooms but no slave wanted to be put in those rooms, they only had one use for men or women who came to “rent” slaves.

My room was a small cell with a bed welded to the wall. A shabby grey slip of a blanket. That was how I was kept. I remember two people though…They wore strange attire compared to the regular customers. They kept looking around and talking fast, they approached my cell when no one was looking and then…my vision was interrupted…I am not sure what it means…


#40

Hriste suggests the people in my vision may be Jedi, and if so, there may even be records of it? Perhaps something that can be looked into?


#41

I got mad again today…Zain was back to his whining and such and myself and Hriste were again trying to advise him. He kept talking about he was beyond human endurance which he isn’t and I told him that if he kept it up, his heart would eventually give out. Clearly a very bad thing to try and help him realize his error, telling him it couldn’t be augmented to keep up with his body mass and the weight.

His first answer? Open heart surgery to replace it with a mechanical. I told him several times that doing such is not a good thing, nor is it safe. His answer? To contact Hriste to ask her if she thought doing the open heart surgery was a good idea, no other context then that I was against it. I honestly wanted to slap him for even doing that. Open heart surgery is extremely deadly, not guaranteed to work under the best circumstances and even then, doctors do not like performing such unless there is no other option, but what does someone studying as a healer know right?


#42

Dear Master,

I struggle a bit today, its been a horrible day…Six of the refugees died today in my home. A…I don’t know what to call him? He seemed like a Jedi, he definitely could wield the force far better then me, he drained the life right out of six people, calling it a feast. Spoke of it being for his Master? This deeply wounded me to know six died in my care. I have pushed for them to get the emergency evac off planet.

I could not protect them, I was not strong enough to stop him and knowing I failed to protect them, it really hurts. I have been meditating on the incident, but this is hard to swallow.


#43

Master is hurt, it was pretty bad. Her whole manufactured arm was destroyed. Seela and Althea had to completely redesign a new arm for her…I was the one to reattach it to her. It looked really painful and she seemed exhausted and really in pain. I need to stay with her now until she feels better. She has told me I could go, but I am not leaving her. Someone needs to take care of her needs. I basically carried her to her bed last night and tucked her in. I have been waking her every few hours off and on to ensure she has stuff simple to eat and drink before letting her rest again. As well as seeing to any other injured here while shes in deep sleep.

I cant believe Lanari did this. She killed so many in this. It wasn’t even necessary. I could feel the fear, the pain…the death. Hearing my Master was hurt my heart sunk, I was very relieved when Seela told me she would be okay. Then told me I should come to the base to tend her and comfort her. I was very glad to help though putting her arm back on very much shocked me. I hated knowing it was causing her pain, but it needed to be done, she needed it reattached and wouldn’t have the strength to do it herself for at least a day.

I feel honestly like I am little help when trouble comes. I need to stay in hiding and ride out the storm and just deal with the aftermath. I want to do more to help, so people don’t have to die. Masters are speaking of a greater evil coming, and yet I cant even handle the evil already at our door. I want to hate her, I want to be furious at what she has done, but anger and hatred is a passion, and are keys to the dark side and I will not go that route. I need to be strong right now, to support my Master and take care of her. So she can help me be better and stronger then I am now.