“Here - the unifying Force exists within all of us and around us. It’s all connected. And the living Force, a different philosophy, isn’t nearly as linear. It is the idea that all life has the Force flowing through it, all connected by this said flow.”
"Do not heed the words of the Jedi Council. The Republic will fall if we do not act now.” His voice booms somewhere between my ears and my mind, the mechanical hiss of pressure equalizing in the troop compartment of the Ministry-Class shuttle with the atmosphere makes my ears pop. The lights above the ramp turn from red to green. Already I can hear the report of blasters firing, the growing wedge of light flashing with bolts of superheated plasma.
“Feel it in your chest. How your chest rises and falls. How your lungs expand and contract. There is a peace in this. In this peace, you can find much. Understanding. Answers. Curiosity - even. And in this peace, you can be propelled forward into informed decisions. Clearer thoughts and insight.”
A heavy thick-fisted pounding rattles my fist against my kneepad. I am not there. I am on a mountaintop, on Viscara. I feel it in my gut first, like always, a clamping down, a tension, a tightness, and I desire nothing more than to run, run until I escape the Thoughts. “Peace is a lie, there is only Passion.” I start to blush, the heat in my face is like needles of fire, my face is burning again. I look down and see my hands trembling, but they aren’t my hands. The body glove under my armor is cloying, sweat is pouring off of me.
I let go of the handhold and draw my lightsaber. The ship sends booming shudders through my boots, the ramp has dropped. I should not be this scared, this terrified. I have done this before, we have done this before. The soldiers in front of me pour out of the ship, all I can hear is the thumping of my heart, all I can feel is a need for more air.
“As Sith, you are all called to many things. Taught to shed shackles and not be hunkered down by morality. But even in rage and frustration and violence, you only wound yourself when you make these decisions with an unclear mind and unsteady heart.”
I need more air, but I cannot gasp. My transpirator clicks and whirrs with every breath. He is asking me something. He is asking about the Thoughts. They are not his to bear, they are mine. “Through Passion, I gain Strength.” My passion is fear. Fear is too weak, my passion is terror, it is despair, it is the burning need to survive.
I need to survive. The soldiers are screaming. “For the Republic!” the woman in front of me screams. Blaster bolts tear into her, too many for her to realize she is dead before she hits the muddy ground and slides. My lightsaber is dancing. Every hiss sends death flying somewhere else. I follow my Master, I trust in the Force.
“Think of yourself as a leaf on the wind, propelled and lofted up by the force. A strong enough breeze and you higher than the trees we sit under. Some practices would have that force become a torrent. Others would have it become a sharp and focused whistle.”
My hands ache, my chest is burning, every hiss brings only more unending pain. There is never enough air when the Thoughts come. “Through Strength, I gain Power.” I would not have the Thoughts if I had power. He is asking again. Why does he care? I am nothing. They are not his to bear, they are mine.
He is spinning to face me. I follow my Master, I trust in the Force. He looks shocked, he cannot believe it. There is a smoking hole in his chest. I cannot believe it. All I feel is terror. All I hear is the rushing of blood in my head. All I see is carnage. I should not be this scared, this terrified. I have done this before. I lash out at the one in red armor. They crackle, the electricity makes them dance, they dance like the blade of my lightsaber.
“Do not worry about the right or wrong, moreso worry about keeping sure footing - and knowing that there will always be things you will be able to learn.”
“You built a lightsaber before. Why can’t you remember how to now? You need to discover what a lightsaber means to you, why your mind is blocking the memory.” It is not just a memory, it is the Thoughts. I am not there, I am here. I am on a mountaintop, on Viscara. I do not heed the words of the Jedi Council. “Through Power, I gain Victory.” They are looking at me. They will not understand. I do not understand. Why can I not remember?
Why can I not remember? I do not follow my Master. I do not trust in the Force. The others are behind the wreckage. Blaster bolts are chewing through it. If I do not act, we will not survive. I cannot breathe. I cannot hear. I stand up. My lightsaber is dancing. I need it to survive.
“Defeat is nothing except a lesson. There is no shame in it, only shame in learning nothing from it. And victory should not leave you drunk with pride, for it will cause you to stumble - feet caught within its roots.”
I have clarity. I understand now. “Through Victory, my chains are Broken.” I am talking. The girl with the silver spoon is insulting me. They are all staring but they do not understand. I remember why the Thoughts come. I am shaking. I hide my hands, but they know. They think I am weak. They feel pity for me, for the broken girl.
The broken girl is staring up at me. She cannot scream, she cannot fight for the Republic. Something is sailing through the air. There are not as many blasters firing at us. We can win, victory is within our grasp. The thing is closer. It is smaller than a training remote, I can make my saber dance into it. It is loud. I am flying.
“At the end of it, you want to have a mind clear so you can focus. On what is important to you. To those you seek to protect. Even to those you seek to destroy, so you may be able to predict how they will act. With each inhale of life, you should also attempt to inhale the understanding. The secret ties that bind us all together as living beings.”
I do not remember because victory was pain, and pain is fear. The girl is still talking. Why won’t she stop talking? She wants to embarrass me. She wants me to look small, to look weak. “The Force shall free me.” It shall free me from the Thoughts. I feel a burning need to survive. I realize now, it is not because of my lightsaber that It happened.
What happened? I am laying in the mud. All I can see is fire. All I can hear is fire. All I can feel is fire. I cannot get enough air. Something is wrong with me. I see the others. They are running to me. Fear is too weak, my passion is terror, it is despair, it is the burning need to survive. I reach out with the Force, they are there. I am fading. I cannot follow my Master. I feel them becoming part of me. They cannot scream, they cannot fight for the Republic. I will not be like them. I will scream. I will fight.
“Peace is a lie.”