Ambrose Griffin - Mission Logs & Journal

Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump.

Four beats. Four spaces in time where the dull noise of a silence blaster relinquished it’s hold on a bolt of plasma. Four moments where the coils inside of his weapon burned bright and spat out brilliantly lit colors through the harsh downpour on this backwater world. In the space of those four thumps, four training targets sat with holes burned through their center of mass.

Ambrose dragged himself upward as the mud clung to his ichor-black fatigues. The heavy overcoat was soggy and filled to the brim with water, his thin cotton shirt in not much better state. The plate carrier on his chest was soaked through, the weight of the plasteel covers adding an additional thirty pounds to all of the water weight on his person. His rifle sizzled as rain made contact with it. Orange and red cooled back to a stiff metallic grey. He always did thoroughly enjoy the process of watching the colors change, the split moment of dazzling colors about as much brightness as he was able to enjoy out on this sullen frontier. He’d not had a haircut for months. He’d not eaten anything but nutrient paste for nearly a year. If he had to eat another tube of ‘Protein and Carbohydrates #4’, he was going to strangle his commanding officer with his own small intestine and hang him from the roof of his corvette.

The slog back to the encampment was utterly miserable. It was essentially a thirty minute hike through slick rocks, grime, and mud. His hands dug into the coarse stone and scraped at his callouses, his lungs straining to take in the too-thin air as he pulled his body up and along the pathway back to his squadron’s forward operating base. They’d been sat on this backwater for weeks, not that such a thing was anything new. Their objectives were never to deal frontal blows to their opponents. They were a collective of independent teams and duos that jumped between planets, dealing blows to the Mandalorian supply line throughout their expanded Outer Rim territory. Well, they had been. The War had been over for a year at this point. A long journey of pain and troubles.

Ambrose’s hand found purchase on the last hand-hold on the cliff-face, yanking his own weight upwards with little effort. There were certain benefits to having grown up on Home, his planet. The higher gravity, the richer atmosphere. It never had another name- it never needed it. The Republic gave it a number, but he made a point to forget it and simply wrote down the coordinates in a physical journal of his. He kept that yellowed piece of paper with a few printed photographs. One of his family, all three of his brothers and his two sisters- all younger than he was. His mother, his father- their worried faces as he gave them his grandest smile as he stepped on that Republic ship and left Home to venture for the greater galaxy. A picture of a dazzlingly beautiful blonde with doe-eyes and pouty lips, giving her grandest smile in a self-picture next to Ambrose himself. The one time they’d found a bar of chocolate and split it after months of nothing but paste, and the joy on her face as they found their little pleasures in the midst of carnage and death. A bittersweet nostalgia kissed his lips as a faint smile tugged at the tired ends of his mouth.

I wonder where you are now. You were the best of us, Kayth. You never should’ve been in this mess, but I’m glad you were. You gave me a smile to look forward to in the mornings, you blessed woman. Hope the stars are treating you well.

Ambrose waved to his men in passing as he mosied towards his tent and flipped open the entryway. With a swift up, left, and down motion he’d zipped it shut once more. A sigh escaped him as he flipped open the cover of his journal and gazed over the few memories he cared to hold in it. Time flew as he day-dreamed, until the anticipated peeping of his standard issue holocomm broke his silence and the patter of rain. He pressed a button and accepted the information he’d been sent, looking it over.


It was suicide. What they were asking of them was suicide, but it always was. Command had sent down a singular mission, their last one before they were to be sent on leave. Some of them would go home, others would return to the service in regular capacities. None of them would speak about occurred within this unit. They never had a name, they never had a symbol or a patch. They were simply given a uniform and a top-secret clearance badge, and given missions. They operated as a team when off-assignment, but were sent out sparingly in groups of twos or threes. This? This was uncouth. All thirty eight of them were being deployed to a singular spot to deal with a high-priority target. Some on-the-run Mandalorian war hero, full Beskar unit with him, the real deal. The kind that should’ve gone extinct on Malachor V.

Some of his men clearly pointed out the details. Certain intel didn’t match up to the usual Mandalorian MO. There had been no prior sightings or knowledge of this particular individual outside of the information provided by their commanding officers. One or two called it a blatant trap, much to the unease of others. Why are they going after a Mandalorian target, when the newly formed Empire was on the rise with the backing of those ‘dark Jedi’?

Ambrose wearily watched his men bicker and argue about the details of the mission for what felt like a slow eternity. The words glossed over his ears, passed through his mind with little regard. He was tired. So very tired of it all. He simply wanted for this all to stop, to be free. Once he had the credits paid off, he’d be out of this hellhole. He had twenty thousand credits left to go, and then he’d be off the hook to live his own life. Maybe he’d pick up bounty hunting. Enough to buy himself a farm out on the frontier. Maybe he’d clean himself up and play at the Core, try to swoon a woman with some credits and live the rest of his life easy.

With a yell and a slam of his fist on the fragile table, Ambrose raised his voice and commanded his men to gear up and prepare for deployment, no matter the consequences. Orders were orders no matter what, and they were going to complete this mission. Suicide was their prerogative. They thrived and lived off of that danger. Their numbers disbanded and split apart, preparing for the mission.

Orders were orders.


It was a quiet hyperdrive jump to the destination. Thirty six of his soldiers piled into the back of their escort-class transport, hanging onto standing bars as Ambrose and his co-pilot drifted them towards their objective. They disembarked about a mile out of their objective, a hanger and some outcropped pre-fabricated buildings in the middle of some backwater mountain range. No ships had been spotted outside, and no activity had been visible on their orbital observation. The walk was wordless, silent except for the occasional cough and the squelch of boots against damp, misty ground. Dusk was setting as shadows cast through the mountains and made jagged, dark, marring stains against the ground. They slowly approached the hangar, and with a practiced precision they breached the main door.

Ambrose’s heart skipped a beat as he looked inside. Two fighter-class Republic escorts starships, frontal guns glowing with prepared energy. A shout left his throat as he dove to the side, but it was too late. The loud explosions of thermal expansion cracked against the air as the vessels opened fire on his men. Crimson mist and ash hit the air, screams of immediate surprise and cries of death shattered the veil of silence.

They didn’t stop firing. Their blasters focused from their outsides inward, the only way to dive was forward. One by one his men were consumed in vibrant explosions of plasma. Red, oranges, yellows. Shards of their beings were flung about with explosive force, bones and innards strewn about the fog-laced valley like some psychopathic artist’s attempt at splatter-paint. Equipment caught flame and shrapnel from the metal bits and bobs of their gear ruptured outwards and scattered across the thin shell of the hangar.

As most of his men lay dying or dead, Ambrose’s heart was caught in his throat with how fast it was racing, but he was utterly silent. He couldn’t make noise if he wanted to, with the shrapnel embedded in the left side of his chest. He felt thin. His air wasn’t coming. It was leaking out of holes in him, blood gurgling from the puncture wounds in his side. His fingers fumbled for the kolto injector, using what strength he had to jam it into his torso and activate the process. The fluid slammed into his veins, restoring what flesh it could around the metal fragments embedded in his body. Every movement was going to be agony. It’d shred his flesh.

That was fine.

His hazy vision tracked the escorts as their occupants disembarked. Heavily armored troopers in full black armor with top-notch equipment, twenty of them. Sleek and black with full-body suits adorned by sealed helmets, each one moved with a practiced, machine-like efficiency as a cohesive unit. Each one wore the symbol of the Republic on their right shoulder. They shifted through the misty night as darkness fell over the valley, checking corpses and bodies to finish the job they had started. It didn’t matter if they were already in two pieces, or chunks. Each and every head had a blaster bolt put through it.

Everything that followed was a blur of controlled rage.

The first man went down without a single noise. As he swept a corner, Ambrose plunged his vibroblade into his windpipe and dragged it upwards, through the Adam’s apple until he was stopped by the chinbone itself. A quiet gurgle were his last words.

The second through fifth were one in the same. All four were grouped together, and his first kill had carried a set of standard grenades. Two pins pulled. One. Two. Throw on three, as the ion grenade rolled beneath their feet. With a vibrant, blue explosion their systems shorted and their suits halted temporarily. Then the incendiary met it’s target, and engulfed their number in flame. Even without microphones, he heard their screams as they burned alive in their own armor, cooking slowly.

Six, seven and eight were like one. With six he sliced off the straps to the chest carrier in one motion, and rammed the vibrodagger into his heart from behind with the second. Seven was built a bit frailer, a bit shorter. Their neck snapped with a sick crunch and the jerk of his forearms. Eight was instant, a blaster pistol to the back of the head from around a corner.

Nine made him struggle. The shrapnel in his made his muscles scream, his lungs burned for air. The taste of metal permeated his mouth, from blood and plasteel alike. It made him slip with his shot, alerting the operative to his presence. It broke down into a grapple between Ambrose and Nine. A rib broke, but his knife found the soft space beneath his opponents ribs, and Nine ceased to breathe.

Ten through fifteen mirrored two through five. They were sweeping through their ships once again, looking and searching for Ambrose. Their mistake was walking by exposed fuel cells. A single bolt, and they burned.

Sixteen to nineteen were a blur of similar tactics. Vibroblade to a vital point. A blaster to the base of the spine joined by a broken neck. A knee stomped backwards met by a blade to the soft underside of the chin. Blunt force trauma from a broken rifle turned into a club. Suffocation via a rear choke and limb-lock.

He’d earned retribution for his trouble. Three broken ribs, a torn-asunder left lung, a searing hole blown into his right thigh, a bashed in nose, a slashed forehead.

Twenty was nothing special. Scared. Alone. The last of their troupe, they threw down their weapon and removed their helmet, begging for surrender. They pleaded for mercy to the mist Ambrose sat in as he pushed up against an aluminum wall, his entire existence in agony. He couldn’t finish twenty. So with heavy feet Ambrose slumped through the mist towards the cowering figure. A young girl no more than twenty two with fear in her eyes. Brunette hair, and tear-filled green eyes.

She held her hands over her face as he walked forwards… and paused as he simply walked past her. His blaster remained trained on her, but his mind was aimed towards thirty seven things. Thirty seven dog-tags, slowly collected over the period of ten minutes. Blood seeped into his vision, his eyes turning everything into a slur of bloody red. His body burned. Everything ached. He was tired, so tired.

I just wanted to go home, was his last thought before he slid into the cockpit of one of the Republic escorts with ragged breaths, dizzy from blood loss. Another swift motion and he injected himself with another dose of kolto, further worsening the state of his internals as the muscle worked and writhed around the shards of metal within him. He could do nothing but breathe quietly, his hand only inches away from manning the cockpit’s main joystick, before it fell limp, and his world went black.


He had only the briefest of flashes of what happened next. Screaming, shaking. Waves of brown, the cold metal of a blaster pressed against his forehead. The sound of a hyperdrive whirring to life. Yelling, so much yelling that his mine turned into meaningless drones and distant whirrs without meaning. A brief lurch? Hyperspace? He couldn’t tell until it was followed with another lurch, this one forwards instead of backwards. Hyperspace. Then, it was all black once more. A searing pain as something was pulled out of him, his world turned cold as something heavy was planted into his chest.

The last thing he remembered before awakening on a blood-soaked operation table in the middle of some Outer Rim slum planet was a single sentence said by a hoarse, feminine voice.

“Don’t die.”


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The dull lull of machinery buzzed faintly in his ears. A consistent thrum of electronic parts and atmospheric balancers, as the chilled air burned at the extremities of his face. The burn of higher atmosphere kissed at his cheeks and turned the tip of his nose ruby-red.

The Jizzbox sat at around seven thousand feet above sea level in Hutlar’s frigid winds, stoically resisting the powerful winds which forced the hull to creak and groan in complaint against the abuse being forced on it’s exterior. The autopilot simply corrected and held position against the thunderous winds. Defrosters blasted throughout the entire ship, ice crystals forming on anything that dared to hold water content on this abysmally snowy heap of a rock in the dead of space, cold and desolate, home to life hostile and fierce.

The loading ramp was fully declined on the light freighter, devoid of the noise of it’s namesake as Ambrose sat cross-legged in the middle of the slab of angled metal. His coat was tightly wrapped around his torso, his hands bundled thickly in his leather gloves. His face was unprotected, staring ahead into the cold darkness of that mountainous horizon dotted with stars and swirling aurora patterns.

But stars above what a sight it was

The light-touched sky wavered in the distance as the colorful specks of reds, blues, yellows and whites twinkled in the background with a dance as old as the galaxy itself. The beauty and splendor of the sights the galaxy never ceased to bring him to a sense of wonder. A sense of amazement at what could be when there are eyes of peace hidden in storms brewed of chaos and turmoil. But what was peace if not refined chaos? The refinement of nonsense into things which made sense came from these principles. At some point, erraticism had to be tamed by a hand and brought to a controlled front. War. Strife. The agonies which all sentients inherently suffer in cruelty- what causes these things? A lack of control over the storms which surrounded them. People swept up in the winds rather than struggling to be their own eyes.

Much like himself.

Ambrose continued to ponder to himself, a hand reaching upwards to touch an ear that still rang with gentle whispers and consoling words that tickled the back of his mind and set his heart at ease. His senses threatened to escape him for a moment, burgeoning out in his internal core before he restrained himself and bit back the bile in his throat as a wave of nausea overcame him. A brief flicker as if he were beyond himself. Touch, smell, taste, hearing, sight projected in all directions for a span of a few meters, uncontrolled. Erratic. A parting gift (or curse) from a ghost who’d both spat in his face and complimented him for his passion and bravery (or stupidity) in confronting her. Payment for a job he’d rather have never taken, but would repeat for the sake of those he cared about.

He sat and stared at the stars and muttered aloud to himself, the words coarse and dry in the battering winds which assaulted his throat.

"Was it worth it? The end result could have changed. You had fate in your hands, and you let it slip away to be the decision of someone else. Was what you did right? Was it good, Ambrose? Were you the better man you promised to be, or were you simply following orders? Your allies suffered in agony, you wake up in screaming terrors as your mind plagues you with the visions she made you see. And what do they tell you when you express your desire to have destroyed her in mercy and saved the lives around you this grief? They frown at you. Call you wrong, because they cannot possibly understand what you see. How could they? How could they understand attachments like that, or realize what it feels like to have your soul ripped from you and shredded into thousands of pieces, to fill you with nothing but rage as you watched your loved ones die in an infinite loop simply to sedate you. To render you useless and unable to strike the final blow? They don’t understand love like that. Passion like that."

A stern sigh left his body as he hung his head, chin touching his chest as a whirlwind of snow shifted through The Jizzbox’s interior. With it came the crackle of lightning and the boom of thunder, as his eyes watched a forming storm roll over the horizon. Violence incarnate. With a grunt and the crackle of ice, Ambrose marched back up the ramp and began the sequence of sealing the ship back up to space-faring status, the crinkle of ice on his boots following him. His ears were hot with the rush of blood needed to prevent frostbite, and a gentle whisper snuck from his subconscious to gently caress his mind. Words of a friend snuck to him as he found the first peaceful sleep he’d had in nearly two weeks.

You are a great man. Capable of anything you put your mind to, regardless of Force or not. It will be all right, I promise.

He paused at the pilot’s console, hands resting on the comfortable head rest as he stood there, eyes tracking the still-peaceful horizon which laid out before his ship. A small kernel of anger grew to boil in his stomach as he sat in the chair and kicked The Jizzbox into manual control, steering upwards into low orbit. It was not a raging flame that sat in him. It was a controlled coil of emotions, wrapped around the steel rod of his reinforced will. A calm rage that invaded his senses and relaxed him in the pilot’s seat as he initiated a hyperspace jump back towards Viscara.

A hint of amusement struck him in irony, as a faint mumble of words slipped past his mouth in the isolation of hyperspace.

"Passion, yet peace."

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Hell.

That’s what this was, really. No other words could describe the irrational sweltering of feeling that burned away in his chest. Like a star collapsing in on itself perpetually.

A consistent hatred. A persistent rage. Injustices, unfairness, sorrows, fears- the list goes on and on. It boils away in his very soul, condensed and covered by layers of well practiced emotions. The swaggering charm fell away to the genuine smile and softness, which cracked to reveal his sorrows and griefs. This too passed into oblivion, eventually, to reveal the smoldering heart that lay covered in ashes and torment, feral and bestial in it’s animalistic nature.

As Ambrose sat there in the blistering hot water, he knew full well that he wasn’t coming clean. The water was a dull pink, consumed with the smell of iron and blood that dripped clean from his bare form. Palms pressed against the durasteel wall with legs shifted at shoulder width apart. The muscles in his neck strained and ached as his head limply rested against his chest. The constant downpour of scalding water had set his skin far into the reddishly irritated zone, the pressurized stream slamming and scraping against his skin to pry free the filth. The blood that stained his hands had dried. No matter how much he scrubbed, it never came clean. His fingers dug and dragged, clawed at the epidermis. His vision left focus as only the sensation of the scratching motion and the high pressure water filled his senses.

A jolt shook the freighter suddenly and he found himself roused from the stupor, the immediate stench of hot blood having filled the air. Refocused eyes found broken skin clawed away by determined fingernails on his own forearm. A grimace was all that was offered as he applied the washrag to the wound and bound it tightly and stepped free of the refresher. Water dripped from his form in the cold metallic interior of his ship. No longer the Jizzbox. No longer the Loot Krayt. Those had been cast aside in the name of moving forward. Avoiding death, avoiding being caught in a past that would put a garotte wire around his throat. Cast aside as he had false names before, alias after alias in the pursuit of another kill or another capture. The same garotte he’d put to a number of throats before his own.

His mind paced through it’s thoughts as he stood there, examining himself and checking the mass of stitches laid into the middle of his chest. Fingers picked at staples, and nails itched at old scars. Forgiveness was an idle pursuit. Mercy was a product of weakness. Ruthlessness was the only way forward. His past had kicked the door down and put a barrel to his head. Put a barrel to the head of those he cared about, or those suspected of associating with himself. His friends. His family. People he considered brothers and sisters, friends who he’d take blaster fire for. He’d not see them come under harm, and he’d make those who infringed on his relative peace suffer the consequences.

The only way forward was someone dying. As always. And not a speck of shame ever tinted his mind at the prospect. His knuckles rolled and his entire body flexed. A test of each muscle he could feel, a trial to the integrity of the tendons and joints across his body. His fingers splayed and the pads pressed against the cool metal wall. A sapping cold that consumed his senses as he felt against the only barrier between himself and the frigid vacuum of space. A welcome sensation as his mind and heart stilled of conflict and purged themselves of emotional turmoil. Bound in chain and nailed with iron will and stiff control.

His eyes shifted from the metal studs and the plain wall to the refresher. The clear blue water flickered crimson for a moment between rapid blinks before he shut the plexiglass door with a quiet click.

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The frigid air whipped around his skin, driving his skin equal shades scarlet and blanched.

But he could not feel it.

His palms were broken open, blood spilling against the mounds of snow as his knuckles split and the heel of foot and hand cracked.

But he could not feel it.

Visually he could recognize the sensations. Physically their toll made themselves known on his body- the dull throb in his hands and feet as he chipped away at the large stone protrusion that stood before him. He could smell the iron of his blood mingling with the minerals of the snow. Each hot drop of crimson quietly patted against the banks of endless white. It was the only noise beyond his own labored breathing, beyond the sound of flesh hitting stone, and the cacophony of wind that ravaged against his body.

But he could not feel it. There was no true sensation in his mind, closed off as it was. There was no emotion, no sensation beyond what he perceived with eyes and ears. Logically, at this rate, he reasoned he’d contract hypothermia and die in the snow banks while practicing- but that thought slipped his mind as his leg moved like a piston, his heel cracking against the surface of the rock as another piece broke to chunks with the raw force he generated. About the size of his fist but no less impressive.

His internal monologue was silent. No matter how much he tried to reflect he found himself wanting. There was nothing to reflect on. Everything was in varying shades of grey and various other monotones. Food had no flavor, smells had no scent, textiles had no texture, the auroras which he had adored to observe fell flat, and the sounds of music he had leisurely enjoyed for many years had lost all tone to him. It was an old kind of comfort, to not truly perceive anything. 'I’ve lived like this for a decade, what’s another week or two? he meandered drably as his entire body shifted in a singular fluid motion to crash a fist into the stone- another chunk blew off, flying to the side as scabs broke and skin shredded.

A sudden encore of beeping and whirring from behind him and to his right as an astromech rolled through the snow on stubby legs, arms wobbling with the movement. Vwerts and boops, beeps and bops which made no sense to those unversed in the art of speaking Droid. Thankfully, Droid was the second language Ambrose ever picked up.

“Well done, Master! You struck- ONE HUNDRED TWENTY SIX- consecutive blows on your target with effect using the Krayt Stance!” LE-37 chirped at him cheerfully. A flicker of something caught in his chest but was suppressed with the weight of the monotone flavor of his world. The droid continued to whirr as it’s adjustable arms and legs extended, a thick blanket being wrapped around his shoulders as laboring breaths kissed the atmosphere.

“You will catch - STAGE THREE HYPOTHERMIA - at this rate! You are already on - STAGE TWO HYPOTHERMIA -, Ambrose! Please, proceed with caution when practicing the art of Steel Palm!”

Ambrose was only capable of offering a stiff grunt, throat hoarse and ran dry from the chilled air that engulfed them even still. His only protection for his bare body had been a pair of thermally insulated leggings and some thick, fur-insulated pants. His bloody feet trekked through the snow banks with nothing but the tingling sensation across his entire body. The hissing of his door greeted him as he approached the small workshop tucked away in the vastness of nowhere… and then his knees buckled as he fell forward, crashing into the floor as his vision faded and hearing rang. LE-37 began to whirr violently, the droidspeak lost on his darkening consciousness as he felt claws clamp underneath his armpits and drag him inward, the last noise to hear the hiss of his door sealing.


In a daze, his eyes opened and- were met with rolling green hills and verdant pastures with a gilded sun looming over head, the vibrant yellow-red light spilling out across the landscape. Squat orchards laden with fruit sat just within the closest dale. Beyond that, a familiar sight he’d never forgotten - Briun. Home. The humble homes constructed generations ago to withstand the increased tug of gravity, supported from the sides with poles and spread out longways rather than upwards, though the occasional second and third story building was present in this comely place. A delighted gasp of disbelief as his feet shifted against the warm grass. His eyes shifted downwards to look over himself. His forearms and biceps were… smaller. Unblemished minus a few faint scars over his hands, dirt rubbed into his fingernails and shifting marks of green plastered onto the underside of his forearms. Looking down further still, he wore only a simple cotton shirt with a pair of worker’s jeans, devoid of shoes. You almost never needed them anyway, the planet was warm year round. The soil was soft and welcoming. Ripe with every nutrient you could imagine for growing crops to sustain everyone.

His standing still turned into a walk. His walk turned into a light jog. His jog turned into a full on sprint as he attempted to close that distance. Away from it all. Everything. The war, the deaths, the executions, the bounties- everything would fall away if he could just reach this place. His heaven. His home.

His hair whipped around his face as he picked up speed, arms moving in motion with- a rifle in his hand? He didn’t have time to contemplate. He was getting closer. The shifting of cloth gave way to the rattle of protective plating, and grenades that jangled around his waist. He was beyond the orchards now, closing in on the shire where his family tended to their land and farmed their crops. Barreling forward through tall stalks of grain, they wilted and yielded to him as his breath caught in his lungs, choking him as he tumbled forward and out of the gilded fields.

And saw himself, staring down at him with no small amount of horror.

The difference- the stark contrasts were massive. He was… scarred, wearing plates and bearing weapons. He was ragged, worn down, scarred. His hair was a mess, his face stubbled and plastered with grease, blood, and grime. Burns layered his body. Lacerations from fragmentation grenades and vibroblades carved into his flesh. The pained wheeze of the ill-fitting robotic lung crammed into his chest cavity.

Then, there was that Ambrose. Everything he could’ve been, if he’d simply said no. A plain man with short-cropped hair, and… a toddler bouncing in his arms. Through the open windows of the homestead he could see a faceless woman attending to what he remembered as the kitchen. Unblemished from the scars of battle, his mirror stared down at him with horror and disgust. His bloody hand reached outwards towards the reflection, a silent cry for aid never passing his lips as he looked down at his own gnarled fingers. Coated in gore and contorted in their shape. Turning around to try and flee- he only saw smoke and flame rising from the ruins of Briun. The field of luscious golds and yellows were doused in scarlet and crimson, bodies littering the ground. Faces upturned or turned sideways- ones he knew. Not the people of Briun- but comrades who’d fallen away. Either by death or by distance. Black robes, brown cloaks, red beskar, yellow scarf, blue shirt- a set of kukris here, a rifle there, a pair of lightsabers off to the side, a scarred and scratched greatsword half-discarded. One head had auburn hair, plastered with grease. The other had stark white. Yet another was a brilliant shade of red, while others sat as shortly curled brown or stylized black.

He would’ve wailed, if he’d had a proper voice. Instead, there was only a guttural, feral scream that tore out of his throat and billowed across the open field. His fingers were claws, tearing at his own face. His shoulders were hunched and packed with muscle- built to kill. His teeth were swords and daggers, sharpened and steel. His breath was poison, any word he could conjure would be venom and death. He sat there in a daze until it all jarringly shifted into nonexistence.

His breathing hitched as he found himself achingly resting on a medical bed, linked up to IVs and layered over with blankets with LE-37 on standby. The droid was plugged into the machine systems, operating them quietly.

All he could do was let his head rest backwards against the pillow.

All he could do was let the warm tears roll down his expressionless face, staring up at the ceiling as LE-37 shifted a hand to poke the jukebox resting in the corner.

Soft jizz filled the interior of the small, emergency medical room. Warm and soothing, relaxed.

But he could not feel it.

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Ambrose sat in the interior of his ship wordlessly, his entire body aching and sore. It was devoid of all noise and jostle, planted into the grounds of Viscara as it was. His right arm was bound against his chest in a stiff cast, hand plastered and wrapped to avoid even the slightest amount of shifting between kolto restoring his bones and pins holding his knuckles and joints in place. The single dim light overhead flickered with the remnants of power from the drained fuel cells. The air was still as his left hand travelled over the wooden grain of the table in front of him, decorated as it was with possessions. Theirs. His now, really.

It wasn’t processing still. How could it? He’d lost her. The only person who’d truly adored him for who he was, what she knew he could become.

And he’d gotten her killed in his overindulgence of revenge.

He’d killed his wife.

His eyes ached with a dryness he’d never truly experienced before. His body was dry of anesthetic last and painkillers, but the agony in his splintered fingers kept him lucid. Kept him present, as painful as being present was. His heart throbbed in his chest with hollow purpose, every pump empty and dead.

His left arm shifted as his eyes woefully lifted to regard the contents of his smuggler’s holdout on the light freighter. Laid out across the table, a choke caught his breath as his tears renewed. His throat, his heart, his lungs- everything inside of himself contorted in heartache and sadness as he brought himself to confront the items.

Two tiny boxes, each big enough to fit in his palm. One was a nicely varnished red wood, the other was a gorgeous dark oak. His hand moved reluctantly to flip open the lids. The redwood box’s soft velvet interior showed itself, and a piece of parchment drifted to the tabletop. His own handwriting.

“I hope you like it. I tried my best to get your finger size while you were asleep.”
-A

Violently his body shook, racked as it was with a heart wrenching punch. Noises befitting a wounded animal left him as he practically croaked for release from his present situation- but he needed to do this. Not for himself, because he owed her at least this much. With a softness he slipped the ring from the box and placed it on the parchment, sliding it aside. It would reach who it was destined for later, once he was finished. It didn’t belong to him in the slightest, nor did he have any intentions on keeping it. It was a gentle golden circlet small enough to have slid over her ring finger. Flush with the metal itself was a vein of ruby so verdantly red it might as well be a rose in bloom caught in mineral form. It circled around jaggedly without end, seamlessly connecting to itself. Masterful and expensive craftsmanship, it had ran him thousands of credits to simply locate a gem of the color and size he’d needed to have it carved out like he did.

His left hand moved to close the red box, hesitating as it hovered over the darker wood of the brown box. His eyes drifted to it, his hands cracking the seal with the gentle creaking of hinges. A steel blue interior greeted him, as soft as the silk he’d purchased to house his own ring. A mirror to her ring, his had been designed to compliment the rosy gold with a platinum tinted snow blue. Flush within the metal band itself was carved sapphire that braided in symmetry, lapping around the whole circlet to meet itself tail to tail in a completely sealed loop. Melancholy cracked the whip against his mind as his left hand gripped the box, his ring finger sliding into the fit suited for it to ride up to his first joint. The metal was cold, an indifferent comfort as his very being lurched and coiled on itself in throes of emotional death.

A soft snap as he closed his box, resting it atop the other. His eyes shifted to the next objects resting on the table- even more painful than the last. A brilliantly white dress of simple yet elegant design, cut conservatively and fitted with a neck support for a helmet’s weight. Next to it, a tuxedo cut to fit his frame comfortably and accentuate his form. With a shift from the chair he moved to grasp them by the hangers. Dragging footsteps brought him to the close while his slow hand clattered the garments into the racks, hanging them up with a delicate touch. They’d never had any ceremony. Never had the chance to celebrate with friends and family alike, always too busy running from one problem to the next. Always too busy. Always helping, or hiding, running or fighting. Now there would be no ceremony. No feast, no laughter, no drinks.

A sniffle escaped him as he stepped backwards, returning to the table to regard the final item.

A piece of paper. Coated in blood in some corners with a corner seared off. What would’ve burned away was saved by the onslaught of sanguine. It was months old at this point, wrinkled and sweat stained- but he recognized his hand writing and the stench of tihaar on it anywhere. It was only two words in his most elegant Mando’a handwriting, but it had been the start of it all. A bottle of liquor. Gradually they opened themselves to one another. They shared their woes over alcohol, their victories and triumphs, their troubles and losses. She’d proposed over it, he’d responded with it.

Where he’d said he be hers.

And now Ambrose sat in the chair and bent over himself, legs drawing upward as his forehead touched his knees and he violently sobbed. His eyes shut it all out, his ears turning deaf to the world as he clasped the chain that dangled from his neck- and the two Beskar hearts that hung from it.

It was all he could do to keep weeping. What else was there? He was cold. Alone. Lost. He’d taken his vengeance and it was hollow. No matter how much purpose he had told himself was behind it, ultimately it had been self-fulfilling. Vain and wrathful. Evil. The actions he’d taken were not just.

She’d expected better of him and he’d failed.

He’d failed her.

All he could do was sob.

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Rippingtearingbreakingsnappingcrumblingshakingcrackingdyingincineratingboilingdestroying-

. . .

You bite and rip and claw at yourself, and what does it earn you?

Wretch

Chosen

A hero with no cause in the conflicts
A fighter with no power in the heavens
A soldier amidst gods in the making

And still your survive. Broken. Manipulated. Exploited. Betrayed. Losing. You continue to still live. You still continue to fight.

A man without purpose
Deprived of his reason
Deprived of his will
Deprived of his love

You fought for no collars. You struggled for freedom. You wanted nothing more than the galaxy to be a place of fulfilled dreams, of benevolent independence. A place where no sentient was shackled or bound by circumstance or another.

AND THEY DISCARDED YOU

Eyes rattling, bones shaking, a tenseness in his fingers as paralysis seized him. A red gauntlet danced across his cheek, seizing his jaw firmly. A familiar warmth that instantly ran cold as rugged and worn black fabrics and saccharinely scarlet wrapped around his neck lovingly, the smell of ash filling his nostrils. It mixed with sweat, and leather, and adoration, and death, and the faint humming of a single sentence in his ears like bliss against the torment.

“You can be so much more, cyar’ika.”

Tears rolled like quiet tributaries from his cheek as his knees buckled, collapsing to the ground

Five fingers found wood. Found dirt. Found stone. Found gore. Ten fingers? No, five? No, ten? Twenty? How many hands laid resting on his shoulder, pushing him forward or holding him back? How many arms had he taken before losing his own?

You are a good man. 
Rather, your intentions have always been good, protégé. 
Your execution of such intentions is what ruins you. 
What grounds you in reality. What I made you.
You were a wraith.
A ghost that did not exist because I demanded you die for the cause.
Now you live beyond that role.
Beyond intentions.
Beyond expectations.
Do not waste your gifts, your talents, because they are tools.
Remember that, my son. You were a weapon, and became more.
Do not waste my gifts, if we should even call them such.
You can be more than I ever was, if you survive.
My perfect heir.
My prodigal child.
My seventh shadow and only surviving son.

Searing flashes consumed his nerves, biometric meters beeping loudly across his entire body as his fist launched itself through the air, turning into an open hand to clutch at that cruel smile. That familiar smile. That fatherly glare that had turned him from a farmer into a killer. A shift in the shadows of his vision as hair once black turned a soft dusty brown, kind eyes of blue and a crying smile on her face.

Her face. Her shining red armor, without bruise or batter. Her half-tossed hair kept short for a helmet, with that usual cocky half-grin replaced by a smiling expression of joy, the glisten of tears flowing down her soft cheeks…

It was all he could do to reach out and touch her with his right arm. That which was dead to consort with them. Warm. Gentle. His shrapnel ridden body reached out as he ran his mangled thumb over her cheek, choking softly as a ragged sob pushed past his throat.

“Yknow y’ can get back up, right riduur? I mean, y’could stop, but then you’d not be the man I loved. You’re unstoppable. Unshakeable? Not so much, but, y’know how it goes spacepoke. Y’were a fiend, an’ I loved every part of that in yah. Y’had a fire in y’ like no other. Watchin’ you punch th’ jaw off o’ that Sith Warrior- wooh, don’t get me started. So don’t come to me cold… please…”

A cold shock rocked his system as he heard a faint voice cry out to him. Half-pleading, almost gentle. With a snap his eyes opened, salt burning his retina and air trapped in his lungs as he found himself sinking underwater, like a stone. Looking downwards, at the hole in his chest, his entire lower body severed and twenty feet away.

A thunderous ring of blaster fire as a searing, blinding hotness pierced his torso, straight through his side. An outward cry of utter sorrow as a figure in shadows rushed to him, taking his hand and squeezing it. He’d be all right, they said. They’d make it away together, and get back to Concord Dawn. Settle down, have a few kids and build a little farm in the middle of nowhere. He’d always liked the sound of that, but he was so sleepy now. The hand was so warm, that he could just doze off…

A brilliant flood of silver and blue flooded his vision as blades of pure light clashed, a billowing of red flowed around a framed face, stoic and cold with a harshness in the eyes. “Failure”, it called him. “Poisoned”. “Tainted”. “Wrong”. A flourish of blades before a searing heat pressed through his chest, and he collapsed to the floor of the forest. A low, low hissing noise as plasma cooled and light retracted, the warmth of a hilt leaving his hand.

Thousands of clawing pieces of shrapnel pierced him like swords, running through his body with malice and rage. Each one a name and face. Each one a smile, with family, with loved ones, with hated ones, with likes and dislikes and hatreds and cares and-

YOU WERE FORGOTTEN

“Some people still love you, y’know”

THEY WANT YOU DEAD. FIGHT. PROVE THEM WRONG.

“You’re not alone, cyar’ika.”

Your body is made of shrapnel. Steel is in your heart, and fire is in your blood. You are nothing but war. Your whole life is conflict, strife, and death.

“…You’ve gotta life still, love. Live it. For yourself, and me.”

"Endure. Survive. Fight. You are needed. Wanted."

Delirious. Deluded. Cloudy. What was real? What wasn’t real?

Why did she betray him?

Why did she kill his brother?

“Help…”

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