Antrisse – The Path Between

[Simir]

Ni cuy chaab’la

I have no idea how to start this, I’ve never written much, at all really. I’ve been too busy, always something I need to do. But I have nothing but time right now.

Waiting has always been the hardest part of anything, leads to come through, information. Repairs or healing. Waiting to bring her home.

Waiting to die.

I can feel it, something deep in my stomach. Twisting and burning, every so often it flares, setting fire to my veins and drowning my thoughts. Until it gets sent back down, pushed back by purification or whatever force osik its called. Its like rising from cold water, its terror and relief all at once.

Ill never understand the force, this thing keeping me alive, this thing threatening to twist me into some beast. The greatest miracles and horrors of my life have been at its hands, so what could I possibly think of it?

It simply is.

I’ll stick to the blade.

[Simir]

Gar’ni Ven’ja’hailir Taab’echaaj’la

I saw it, that black maw, that eternal hunger.

For the last pair of days I was rapt with pain, with the surge and release of the curse. Body alight and dying even as my mind and sight was rent from my own time. The pain and confusion, the terror and fear of that oblivion was almost more then I could bare.

At that final moment, the final surge of it all. When I knew my death came, I looked into the finality and nothingness, and I heard but two words. Atiniir mhi, spoken softly in the back of my mind. A promise, a truth.

I looked at death itself and fought, raged, the black fire of this sith sorcery would not take me, no blade or bolt would fell me before my task was done. I screamed into that night, mind alight with fury and fire, all that I ever was and will be there with me in that moment. It felt an eternity that I struggled, the only thing that existed was that bellow of defiance.

Till a song remembered and a soft white light enveloped all that was.
Then there was nothing, as all fell away.

The next thoughts I had were once again from sight and time beyond my own, what was and is, a song and a voice bringing me realization.

As my eyes open I finally understand.

Atiniir mhi

I have so much I need to do.

[Simir]

Ner’evaar’la Ad noy’ganyc, buir be’echoy

Forks.

Choices, moments where one chooses their path, a large enough thing to cause a split.
I cannot change what comes after, this I now know.

Perhaps before?

Should I try?

As the days pass I see more and more. Understand. But I am a woman of action, a people of action. What can I do, what should I do? Be silent or be open, active or passive. What I know, is today I saw a fork, one I hoped beyond hope would choose the path I yearned for. It was not to be.

Fire and blood. Mud and pain are what walks it now.

There is no need to continue looking.

Is it right to yearn for one or the other, does that effect it? Perhaps I shall never know.

I must endure, but how can I remain who I am, with what I see? I must remain who I am. I must live, and enjoy and love as much as I can. In the time I have. I will endure, find a way to reconcile, knowing with loving.

He said my name
So Antrisse I must stay

I have so much I need to do.

[Simir]

Ni cuy Solus

I miss her.

As the days since my cure have dragged I have realized more and more, just how much a truth this is. I want to confide in her my fears, have her by my side during this confusion. But more than that.

I know she needs me.

My family is assisting me in my search for her, our plan. We must make sure all is in place, there will not be room for failure.
It is no simple thing to end a bloodline.

I find myself unable to sleep, what I see playing in my minds eye again and again. There have only been a few ways to silence it. And the bottle will not be one I take.

I need training, I need help. But there are so few I can turn to for this. And those that I can are burdened enough. I need it to stop, be able to close those eyes, especially as it drawn near, the first thing I saw.

A sky of falling shapes and red fire. A world ablaze, a cities cry, and the silence after.

Taris draws closer.

I have so much I need to do.

[Simir]

Nehaa’tayc ba’jurir’sur

What a strange thing it is, to train a muscle you never had.
I stumble in the dark, bump into furniture, I’ve watched countless Padawan’s do this osik.
I understand now.

I can feel it, a small sensation I don’t have words for. An awareness growing, like an eye adjusting to sudden light.

I have a new routine to train.

My family proves to still be at each others throats, my Son, realizing now I think what he was mimicking. My Brother, finally showing enough love for himself to stand, rather than bow. The multitude of others spinning around, those in need. Mare’vod, new to the path or older vode who have fallen through the cracks.

I wish I had the time for them they need. I want, to give them the time. Nothing brings me more joy than helping others, and my people foremost among them.

Yet to her all my thoughts move too.

A new routine, new faces.
Yet when I see remains unchanged.

There is so much I need to do.

[Simir]

Vencuyot teh aaray

It’s a strange thing, to have a child.
To watch them grow, give them your best, and then accept the pain of them moving beyond you. It’s a bittersweet that nothing can compare too.
It’s a pride, and a loneliness see him stand and move beyond the need of your teachings. I can only hope I manage to remain part of his life properly.

I wish Odessa was here to see it.

Slowly my senses extend, walking and moving in spaces I know no longer requires my eyes. What a queer feeling it is, to finally experience something that I’ve heard described hundreds of times. To -feel- those around me, even faintly. I am far from proficient, I’d posit I’m barely a beginner.

But there was a time when I had never held a Beskad.
It will only take time.

Even as my sight and control grows though. When I see remains unchanged, perhaps I need to try something, new.

It’s soon now, very soon. The race, the rage. The fires and flight. Taris.
It dies soon, I’ve seen it.

There is so much I need to do.

[Simir]

Evaar’la gai

She’s home.

Like breaching the surface of a cold lake I take in that deep breath, mind finally clear.
For so long my thoughts were always dragged back to her. I could plan and act, but it would always go back to her.

Now, the love of my soul in my arms. My mind finally can look forward unobstructed. Dry sands, a path long planned, only more complex now.

A name needs a path. It will have one.

My son, continues to bring a swell of pride, he has solid kin at his side. A firm footing. Starting his path on his own with a blunder will not keep him down. His aliit grows, so too shall mine.

Haa’tin
A name, my name.

My path, my routine is set for the near future. A plan. It is good to move forward, head high. I march into a storm. I’ve seen it, but that matters little. We move to it either way, we will endure.

There is so much I have to do.

[Simir]

Haa’tin

New beginnings.

It has been sometime now since my last writing, so much has happened, yet it feel like a blink of an eye.
Setting out firmly on my path, the ring of the forge in my home, the new training mixing with the old. Familiar faces with new names, my name.

It feels right.

Even as we face down osik wrought on by selfish fools, missions failed and the pain of nearly loosing a friends forever. I cannot find reason to weep, find reason to doubt or despair. For how can I? Failure and the deaths that come with it will ever follow us all. We do out best to avoid them, but the variables are not ours to control.

I clashed blades with a Sith Lord for many long minutes, while he languished in his own mind and misery. No, I could do no better than I did, so it moves to my past, to inform and simply move on.

Among this, the healing, the pain, the growth, the fear. I lay the final stones that will mark our new home for a time. Not one for simply Odessa and I, but my Clan, all of us.

Its a simple thing, but it brings such joy to look upon. So long had I envisioned it, standing at the fore, working to be seen as an equal. To plant those first steps is something I cannot express. Time will tell if I’m the fool or not.

But at least I did it. At least I am truly free.

Missions and secret plans, building and business, taking time to train and lead. I feel busy, accomplished, for the first time in so long. I see as well, my son begin to take shape. Stand tall, and gain confidence, he has much to learn yes. But I am beyond proud to see how far he has come and will go.

Ever will they be my greatest pride, no feat of blade-work, grand building or conquest will ever mean more than my children. Three now, each so unique, and holding so much of my heart. It is Polkei’s turn now, to grow into her own, stand tall and proud. Already she has done so much, come so far.

Perhaps she will be the first to find their place in a galaxy beyond this war. I wonder what they will do with the peace we will win. How they will take up that torch and forge the future in my stead.

I only hope I’m there to see it.

There’s so much I have to do.

Those words feel strange now, not belonging to the one I see in that field. It’s starting to make more sense. If it was him, I would ask the question after all.

[Simir]

Nu kyr’adyc, shi taab’echaaj’la

I look upon a courtyard of sand and stone. Blasted by the elements, I look upon a home. A place carved from uncaring earth. A place where all say it is folly to live. That one cannot thrive. And yet.

I look upon Hope.

How long has it been now, since I last took up this journal, how many long months, and trials has it been. None of them Idle. Scars, pains, betrayals and reunions. New meetings.

Haa’tin, a clan now alone, yet not. Lacking a house, but gaining true allies, the Echoy’la. An aliit once without much hope. Stands tall, visors turned to the future beside us.

Laughter fills my halls, life and learning. My own kin grow. In numbers and in themselves. The weight of the path growing less with each to take it up. Lain, Seti, and Ari now join us. Along with Vette and the others we number twelve. To see them grow, become the best they can, is a joy that rivals none.

To many so few, but to see this place with life, if feels like enough. New faces come to us, as well, our path. I see Lain and Dayeri take up more, teach, want to stand tall and lead. My soul starts to rest.

We will continue, the path will go on.

Yet, it is among the trappings off all I have done, the stone I started rolling. The love of my family and our joy. I find my mind looking back.

Looking at that wall, a helmet found. As I drift towards a helm given.

What would I have done had I known. Could I have reached, would she have answered? Perhaps this was all part of the Force’s cruel little game. Does it matter?
Loss was inevitable, but that does not remove the sting. A sister dead, another gone, well beyond reach. And… thoughts Id not dared yet give voice too. My daughter, a part of my soul. A woman I loved so dearly and was watching grow with more pride then I could contain.

Ner’kith’bas’ika

Some cycles ago she last checked in, missing from our lives, my heart knows, my soul knows. That part of it I gave to her has returned to the Manda, Ill not be able to speak to her till then, no tears into the small hours will change this.
One more small failure, one more of my kin I have to wait to see. One would think seeing it each night, would lesson the sting.

It is not so.

But I move on, look forward as I have too. There are so many who look to me to guide, to stand tall. To assure them. I do so proudly, even as eyes water do I stand for the day.
After all

There is so much I have to do.

I must speak with him soon, he is stepping into the field soon. And I have questions.