This message is brought to you by Balmorran Arms. Better materials, better weapons, Balmorran Arms.
Gooood evening ladies, gentlemen, and non-binary sentients across the galaxy!
My name is Caleor Vox and I’m here to introduce YOU to Balmorran Arms’ latest and greatest in PERSONAL…COMBAT…WEAPONRY! (BOOOOOM)
Imagine if you will: You’re a BIG GAME HUNTER and you’re hunting on the planet DATHOMIR for their legendary Dragon Turtles! (Audience Gasps!) Or even the mighty Ssurain! (Audience Oooohs) You shoot at the humongous beasts with your “high-powered” Aratech Sniper Rifle only to find that the rounds don’t even splash…THEY BOUNCE RIGHT OFF THEIR SHELLS!
Well boy do I have the product for you! Introducing our newest line of wrist-mounted munitions launchers and personal protective shield generators! Thanks to our peer-reviewed studies with our friendly local Mandalorian Enclaves, our wrist-rockets will have you prying apart those scales like a Wookie breaking out of a jail cell! All while under the safety of our personal shield generators that I can PERSONALLY GUARANTEE will stop the CRUNCH of their beaks and the SLAPS of their tails!
Watch as I, CALEOR VOX, single-handedly take down one of these mighty beasts!
(Cue a short clip of Caleor blasting a flamethrower, firing a wrist-rocket, and launching grenades at a Ssurain’s face before it cuts to an image of him standing with one foot on the head of the dead beast)
Call your local Balmorran Arms representative now for a free trial and a limited time offer for a FREE SMOKE BOMB to help you get out of those STICKY situations.
BalmorranArmsIsNotResponsibleForAnyInjuriesThatMayBeSustainedAsAResultOfUsingOurProductsIncludingButNotLimitedToCrushingBashingSlashingPiercingInternalHemorrhagingExternalHemorrhagingPoisoningExsanguinationAndOrDeath