He rubs his temples as he sits at the table, glancing back to the room Callista is sleeping in, having stayed up late to ensure she would have someone to turn to should she be wrested from her sleep in the middle of the night
“…Am I going insane?” He says aloud quietly to himself, recalling the day’s events, unfolding once again within his mind. Sandra and I finally talked. I’ve once again hurt her. I always end up hurting her. She feels like she was the one who failed, when I failed her just as hard, if not worse. I wasn’t faithful. I didn’t wait for her. She had left without saying a word, but that does not make what I have done okay. I still love her, and I always will. Though…I may do more harm than good for her if I attempt to get back together with her again.
Zvadras…I have no idea what to make of it all. She is so clingy to me, but she claims so many others cling to me just as much if not more, yet she is the one who demands all of my attention whenever we are together. I don’t seem to pick up on her signals when she is upset, and that just ends up making things worse. She went off on me, called me flawed. She’s right. I -am- flawed…
He sighs and rubs his face, putting his head down onto the table a moment before slowly lifting it back up and looks back to the guest room that Callista is staying in
Poor Callista is in the middle of all of this. She is being hit by both my own and Zvadras’ stress and burdens, and it isn’t fair to her. Not when she has her training to focus on. I try to be there for her, too…but it seems like everything just tends to go sideways when I’m involved. Tonight she had to help me get Zvadras cooled down and then watch as she went off on me time and time again, then had Zvadras dump her own problems onto her, and I saw how hard it was for her. Especially when the memories of her past flooded back. I always end up hurting those I care for…
He sighs, then softly chuckles to himself a moment before resting his head in his hands
All I ever seem to do is hurt people. I can’t make everyone happy…I know this. Yet, I still try, and all it ends up doing is hurting everyone. Always so indecisive, never able to make a decision when it really matters. That’s me. I guess it’s how I’ll always be. Maybe I should just go. Disappear, or try to, anyway. Sure, it’ll hurt everyone that cares for me, but it’s not like I’m not already doing that already. Maybe it’ll hurt them less in the long run. At least they’d be safe from the dangers of being in my proximity…
He sighs again, shaking the thoughts out of his head as he looks back to the guest room again and settles in for a long night