Nightmares

[Cat]

She woke up screaming.

“Duty demands that I hurt you. Very, very badly.” Lord Valerius had said to her, his eyes glowing and the look causing Katya to have to look away. It frightened her, the look. It was clear he wanted her dead, and she knew full well he was capable of it. The Sith Lord was not happy with this, “LOOK AT ME,” he commanded.

The look on his face haunted her even now. Her head was flooded with so much lately. Fear was one of the biggest feelings, so much of it that it was hard for her to admit she felt it even to herself. Rage was another one, a more common feeling nowadays for her. But this felt more consuming. She felt weak on top of it all, and that only served to fuel the rage even further.

It became too much for her again, and she closed her eyes. Valerius stepped closer to Katya, reaching out to grab her chin. “Are you scared, child? Do you feel the weight of your decision?” She tensed when she felt the hand on her chin, eyes quickly opening to look yet again at the Sith Lord who stood in front of her. “I face my fears, Lord Valerius. I do not run from them.” “Good,” he whispered in turn to her words.

Was that the same now after what she had endured? She was essentially hiding on the Jedi grounds. Others would likely do their best to comfort her should be express such things, telling her that it was ok to take time, that it wasn’t hiding. That she was merely recuperating from such a harrowing ordeal. Not wrong, but it did not help her feel any better. It was still an odd thing for her to see that so many people cared of her wellbeing. She couldn’t remember all the faces she saw when they led her out of the base, but it was a shock to see just how many there were out there.

“Clean her up.” The last words she heard from Valerius as he threw a napkin in her face. She felt like she was dying as she fell on her hands and knees. The pain was so great that she was howling, her body spasming on its own as the electricity currents ran through her. She thought she was dying. She certainly felt like she was dying.

But she didn’t die. Faint scars were the only physical reminder of what she went through, and yet the pain and anguish remained. How could she keep on like this? How could she find a means to make them hurt and suffer how she did?

Time would tell.

[Cat]

It had been a few days now since she had endured the torment of Lord Valerius, and she had yet to stray from the Jedi grounds after they had extended an invitation for her to stay there with them. She hated to admit it, but her fear kept her from venturing out. Fear of failing, fear of not being strong enough, fear of disappointment. Everyone of course say the opposite of how she feels when she expresses them, but at the moment they feel to be just empty platitudes.

But she couldn’t bear to be cooped up any longer. She had to go out and do something; do anything. She wandered the woods nearby the temple, somewhat aimlessly as she let her mind wander. It was hard to think of anything else as of late, and she didn’t enjoy it.

”You and your Master were fools to leave. Do you not see the power of the Sith? This could have been yours. You were destined for greatness.”

The words continued to echo through her mind, and she could once more feel the rage starting to bubble to the surface. She had to stop, close her eyes and breathe deeply to try to stop it from growing worse. When her eyes opened, she found herself out of the woods and now standing in the wildlands. She paused, looking around to the local wildlife. A kath hound was roaming nearby, sniffing at the grass.

”Do you feel the weight of your decision?”

The familiar words echoed in her head, and the next she knew the kath hound lay dead at her feet. Charred to a crisp. A familiar smell to her now after she endured the same, but she lived while the beast did not. And this? This felt… good.

[Cat]

She held the pill that Viator gave to her, given with a promise that there would be no dreams this night. Her hound, Scraps, had already claimed his spot in the bed, and the sight of him made her smile.

The nightmares seemed to never end since that day, the same face that haunted her in her hopes and dreams. It was hard to admit that it was such a struggle, but she was so exhausted lately that it was causing her to lash out.

He had been there. He knew she was there. There was a chance; an opportunity to try to show her strength. But she couldn’t do it. She froze, and instead of seeing him there it was the face of Lord Valerius. It haunted her.

And so she took the pill.

[Cat]

As she had done so many months before, Katya found herself waking with a screaming tearing from her throat. She quickly sat up, a hand moving to cover her throat as she gasped for breath. It was still dark; still the middle of the night. For the most part, she was alone. A reminder of such as there was a whimper of the large dog that laid in bed with her, him turning to push a cold nose against her arms as he senses her distress. The gesture helped ease her nerves, yellow eyes turning over to where the hound has moved closer to her. “Not a good night for sleeps it would seem, Scraps.” She says softly to him, her voice hoarse from her screams. A quick pat to the head of the beast she is so fond of, and then legs thrown over the side of the bed to let her slip out and stand. A hand then reaches to grab a robe, she throwing it around herself as she walked out of the room to the main room of the ship. Scraps was right behind her per usual, and she was glad for his presence. The others still slept, some on the other ship still. She eased herself into the comfortable chair at the small table, and reached out to grab the bottle of wine that had been a normal presence for a handful of days now.

As she poured the glass, thoughts went back to what caused the nightmares. The eyes bored into Katya as they stared down at her, and the sheer presence that was behind them nearly overwhelmed her to the point where she felt she struggled to breathe. She had never before felt such a thing, and she would likewise now never forget it. She would never admit it out loud, but it frightened her. And rightfully so, given what most know of the person whose eyes they belong to. Was it the right thing to go through with this? Was she making the right choice? She had struggled so much lately, felt like she didn’t belong. She felt stagnant. She felt that she had made a mistake in having decided what she did those many months ago. Was it right now what she wanted to do? The questions continued to swim through her mind as she took a drink of the wine, her gaze turning to regard the second glass that was resting on the table near the bottle.

She did feel better about going this route. It felt more giving to who she truly is. She had fought so long against her nature and her desires, and it was time for her to remember the whole reason she left home to begin with. It would not be without a price, but, what in life ever came so easily? She already has paid part of the price, a free hand moving to rub the arm that had been broken. She sustained more injuries than she ever had before in her life, and she felt is a blessing that there was also a concussion that caused her to struggle with her memories of the whole experience. Made it truly authentic, and ultimately she did deserve it for what she had done before she changed her mind on matters. The more she drank, the more certain she was of herself and her decision.

She was firm on who she is, and on who she wants to be.

She is Sith.