Outsider looking in

In Character Roleplay
#1

A holorecording is set up as Silvia looks on it from her room, its not a grand room, really sparse with only a bed and a chest Tara had left for her. Not that she was ungrateful for it

So, its been a very long time since I kept journals…I was six when I kept the last I think. I have been on Viscara now for about a month or two give or take and the people here for the most part are fairly nice. Blows a sigh pushing her long hair out of her face Its hard though, in ways many don’t understand. I think Corbin referred to me as naïve and he’s likely right. I am naïve and don’t suit the others in many ways. No matter how hard I try to fit in.

Today is a great example of how lost I am here. Everyone went to this…“beach party” thing…no idea what that is or why it requires you all sitting in your underwear in the hot sand. Many were there, Althea, Sandra, Callista, Corbin, Tara, Puru…but they were all separated into their own groups, and it just seemed like after yesterday of mostly everyone ignoring me trying to find them, they don’t seem to see me.

Nargul was okay…the chiss the others also left behind, we spoke for a while and he told me about his people. Then he had to go too. I have passed the others about three times, even stopped to watch them each time. No one talks to me, looks to me, I feel invisible to them. Though I don’t know, maybe as a future Temple Guard, I should just get used to being alone. I spend most of my time alone anyways. All my training in forms? Alone, all my combat training? Alone, I don’t blame Callista, shes trying to juggle so much she can only do so much at once. Though I am tired of trying to encourage the Padawans to be more active with us.

I give up fighting to make changes. I will just stick to what I know, and how to take care of myself. Its all that seems to actually work and if I am needed, I am sure the Knights will let me know. I just…I wish I was back home, I was never this alone back home…wipes a tear away as she reaches over and shuts off the recorder

//OOC NOTE: This is ALL IC feelings ONLY, please do NOT take this as OOC!! Thanks!

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#2

A new holorecording set from the apple trees of the Temple as she sighs, the mask and hood in place

The others today are on Tattooine, a stated order that Corbin, Iskellia, Tara and Callista were to go together, and now a Krayt Dragon is attacking. Initiate Feya is mad at me because I refused to go against Callista’s orders on the possible discussion set by Tara. A padawan cannot out speak the orders of a Knight. While I understand her stance, I will not knowingly break the orders of a Knight. “Be more open to others as well as yourself” I don’t believe I hide anything, if anything perhaps I am often to open with people. Too willing to share what is on my mind.

I haven’t spoken to Corbin in almost two weeks. Nothing short of the acknowledgement that is appropriate for his station. To do otherwise would be highly disrespectful and I will not be accused of that. I told him two weeks ago, I will not bother him again. I was the bad guy for being worried and then being upset when all four of them could not take two seconds to answer me after Shade was defeated. Even Ira stood there telling Corbin he was entirely in the wrong. I won’t beg or plead him to talk to me. Or to apologize. I just don’t bother making the same effort. What is the point really?

Sith are growing fast, yet we stay stagnant. Why is this? I have sat back and watched as the sith do exactly what I told the order we needed to do. Padawans need to be training the initiates to prep them for being Padawans, so the Knights can focus on the Padawans. The Sith are doing this exact thing and its working. Getting them to actually do it, that’s another matter. looks to a ping on her comm and disconnects

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#3

A recording behind the temple, the Initiate sits away where Master Koll cannot hear her, looking at the recording device as she speak softly

Its been three days since I filed the admission to the council, I know I should be patient, but every minute feels like eternity when waiting for a sentence to be passed. I try and fill every day with training, activities, doing something other then thinking about it. Master Vrake said two days ago I would have my answer the next day, but I guess things got a bit delayed.

I can’t fault them for that, it is a bloody war after all. I am sure he has better things to do then deal with me. Though I know I must remain patient. I cannot afford to be bothering him because “I” feel insecure about myself. I need to let go of these fears, stop letting them hold me back. Its hard though, and while my breach was not malicious…I can’t help but wonder if they will see it that way. I want to have faith that everything will be fine, I really do. Force guide me…clicks off