Qyilisc Zserelaskh: Journal of Inner Chaos

[The1Kobra]

I can’t say I dislike my time on the Praxeum, the others have been friendly and helpful. And understanding for the most part. I’ve been outwardly more sociable there, but I’ve still been cautiously keeping to myself. I’m pretty sure the masters know that I’m troubled trouble, but they haven’t pressed me about it too hard. Feels like Beryn again where he knew all along where I came from but didn’t say anything, or maybe I’ve gotten better at keeping quiet and hiding my problems. Bit of both, maybe…

I had a thought about that last mission, though. Those bandits were a lot weaker than what I’ve faced before. Kelldra tried resolving things diplomatically. I know the type he was speaking with. Impermeable to reason, they respond to fear. In the end they attacked and ended up getting massacred. I don’t mourn for them at all, they had it coming, though I know Jedi are supposed to respect all life, even those like them.
Still, I had been thinking I could have maybe spared some of them if the intimidation angle was used instead, which is something Jedi aren’t supposed to do. But then again, if that had been done, they’d probably have gone back to harassing the researchers the moment we pulled out.
So, it worked out in the end?

Kelldra mentioned the idea of making me his padawan, apparently impressed with my mission record. The way he was speaking with me though, it’s like he was unaware of my checkered past and recent problems. I suggested he pick anyone else, it would certainly save him time, trouble, and disappointment. He’s a good person, he doesn’t deserve the trouble I’d end up bringing him. Althea was kind to me but I’m sure she was hiding a lot of her disappointment from me.

I can only imagine how that conversation with Kelldra would go. Something like: “Okay, I have more skill and experience than most padawans and some jedi knights, but I’m also a criminal who’s mistakes cost well over a thousand lives and if it wasn’t for the Jedi’s protection I’d probably be in a cell awaiting execution by the Republic for mostly justified reasons, and the only reason I’m not is because if the Jedi did kick me out completely, the Force being what it is would probably end up with my execution being interrupted by my old Sith master who would then drag me back to Korriban, almost ensuring I’d end up being even more of a problem down the line. Still want me to be your padawan?”

I’m really not looking forward to that conversation. But I don’t have time to worry about that now. Got things to tend to and I can’t afford the distractions.

[The1Kobra]

Apologizing for my behalf. I found myself having trouble understanding it. Is it a human thing? I didn’t agree with it and still don’t. We all make our own choices and are responsible for them. Do others feel bad about putting me in situations they think I shouldn’t have been in? That I should have been kept closer watch on so I wouldn’t mess things up through blundering? That it goes for any of us?

I don’t believe it, we’re all adults, we’re responsible for our own choices. Althea shouldn’t blame herself. I was surprised to hear such apologies from Vrake.

The only way I can see it as being justifiable is if they feel they should have done something before it became a problem. We did escalate it on several channels and it was consistently ignored or covered up. I’m not going to use that as an excuse for my own actions, but maybe they think that they should have done something sooner to prevent this tragedy, but don’t want to admit it? I somehow have my doubt as to it being that, though. More that they think I shouldn’t have been trusted to be off doing my own thing. Which is fair, but I still find myself not truly getting it.

There is something else though that I find unsettling in the Jedi, though…

What’s going on with Sylvia, she’s training to become a temple guard. Part of it is distancing herself even from her own name. Giving up her person to be part of a force for something greater. I get that self improvement is a part of this, but giving up your very identity? Your very individuality? It sends a shiver down my spine whenever I think about it, like /anything/ else would be better for her. I’ve thought about speaking with her, maybe try to help her see that she’s still a person and not distance herself from being human entirely, but I know that wouldn’t be appreciated. And she probably wouldn’t appreciate it either. It scares me that I might be the only one who has objections to this.

It gives me an ill feeling to just ignore it. It feels like I’m just letting her become a willing slave, isn’t that something I’m supposed to put a stop to?

Wait and see I guess. I haven’t let anyone know about my feelings on this. I doubt I will. I’ve been keeping a lot hidden lately…

Maybe it’s for the best. But I keep getting this ill feeling in my gut that it isn’t.

[The1Kobra]

Words,

Many others have a way with them. I don’t seem to. Many times, when people are talking, saying the exactly right things. I very clearly don’t. When others speak, I find myself quiet, or tripping up over what I should say. I don’t think it’s just an alien translation either.

Why is that? Why do I clam up? Why do I withdraw into myself, letting others take the lead…?

I’ve seen how other’s speech makes a difference, they know the right thing to say to elicit the best reaction. I don’t.
How to help someone see that what they’re doing is hurting themselves.
How to help comfort someone in pain.

I’m supposed to be an example, but I feel like at times, I’m just a walking blaster. Or saber wielder. I’m good at it, but…
There’s times I wish I knew my way around words the way I did with weapons. And I don’t. I’m supposed to be. I’ve seen how others have far surpassed me, while it feels like I haven’t grown at all. … maybe I haven’t since my big mistake, and I’m just shambling along.

But I suppose it’s just another of my worries that I’ll bury and move on. One of many…

[The1Kobra]

When I boarded the shuttle bound for the Praxeum, I couldn’t help but stare back at Viscara the whole time as it faded into view. I knew it would come to an end eventually. I had made brief stops before, where I was there and then came back so swiftly. But this time I was on an extended stay for a mission, and when it was done, it hit me that I’d be leaving behind everything I was starting to care for. Once again. I knew it was coming, but when the time came, it all felt like it was too short.

I feel distinctly uncomfortable leaving it all behind, especially in such a state. There’s so much unfinished business I have there.
Trying to help ease the internal issues of the Jedi group I’m a part of…
Solving the situation in the caves, helping repel the invasion on Kashyyyk, keeping tabs on Hsskhor, there’s so much I still feel I need to do.

I suppose in retrospect, it was an eventful shore leave. There’s so much I was able to do while there, new friends made, Griggs especially. I helped the Wookiees defend their home planet, helped defend Anchorhead from a Krayt Dragon, engineered a scout drone and shield generator, helped rescue a padawan from a horrible fate, stared down a Sith Lord ready to cross sabers (though a large part of me was hoping that it would come to blows in that cave). That final mission came so suddenly, I didn’t even get a chance to say goodbye afterwards.

Stepping back on, it didn’t feel this way before. There’s an ache that no amount of meditation or booze will help with. I’ll just have to endure.

Kelldra probably noticed I was withdrawn when I came back. I still needed to finish one thing off. One more thing I can do for them while I’m here. Studying those images and archeology was important, but my thoughts kept drifting back to them the whole time.

Althea,
I hope I helped. I know I’m a disappointment as a student, but I hope this has at least brought you some peace.

But I’m back on the Praxeum now. I still have to answer for everything, after all.

[The1Kobra]

Of BEEPing course.

I just happened to read the news and of course what I heard has me in a sour mood. Hsskhor has gone in and joined in the invasion of Kashyyyk. Truthfully I doubt I could have made a difference if I went there but I could have at least tried. I did tell some of the others about it, but I guess no one cared enough to bother trying to keep that factor at bay, now we’re going to have another front to deal with. Or they will, since I’m stuck here.

I suppose my time isn’t a complete waste. Althea did find some of my research useful, though it’s going to take me even more time to find anything else, and it’s doubtful I will from a distance by the time it can actually help. I’m still trying, though. Least I can do.

I’m sure Kelldra’s noticed some of my behavior. I’ve already been talked to once because of my lack of socializing with the others in the past. I haven’t skipped any of my scheduled sessions but I have been eating my lunch quickly so I can duck out and do my research in what time I have. I’ve been spending all the spare time I have on that too. I haven’t told anyone about what I’m doing either. Given what we found, it’s probably for the best. I haven’t been given permission to disclose what we found, so I’m not. It would be potentially awkward if Kelldra asks what I’m doing. I don’t want to lie to him, at the same time…

Never mind, got to keep focus. I don’t know if I’m going to be shipped off to Hsskhor, and given the declaration of war, they might withhold me from helping out on Kashyyyk.

I also have no idea how accurate Valkie’s account of what happened is. It certainly doesn’t sound like traditional behavior of the clans, maybe there have been skirmishes or duels, or maybe there was Sith sabotage assuming they actually cared enough (which they probably didn’t). Or maybe I don’t know them as well as I thought I did. Don’t like it either way. If I wasn’t stuck here I’d check it out myself. Or maybe I should have already. I had a feeling it would boil over, and it did.

Nothing for it now, I’d better get back to research. Or wait until I get a mission again.

[The1Kobra]

When I went to the service corps, I thought it would be a life tenure. Honestly, I didn’t mind. I could still help where I was, so I did. I never thought they’d let me become anything beyond an Initiate after the fiasco with the base. And now Althea’s made me her padawan. I’m rather surprised by it.

Rise Jedi

And now that I’m leaving the corps, I find myself wishing I’d spent more time there, ironically. I’ll miss it, the people I trained with, the people I spent time with,
The engineering group with whom we shared all sorts of crazy designs,
The knights, initiates, and padawans I trained with, the instructors, (I wonder if they’re still mad about the cake thing, heheh, I think they took that trick in good humor though. I /may/ need to copy that trick when training Viscara’s padawans),
The lunch goers and cooks, I’ll admit, I wish I’d opened up more, I did enjoy the times we shared stories at lunch time.
Landyn Kelldra, a good Jedi who saw the best in me and encouraged it, even though he surely knew my worst.

But here I am, onto new horizons. Given another chance.
I won’t disappoint.

[The1Kobra]

I keep thinking about how well I fit the Jedi, how strictly I follow the code to the letter. I keep coming to the conclusion that I don’t. Or at least have some remorse about joining in the first place.

Some people on the outside seem to think I’m a better representative of the Jedi than most. How can that be true of someone who takes liberties with the Jedi way the way I do? With the way it’s led to disaster once? I’ve lost the right to be a voice for my opinions in the Jedi circle and outside.

I enjoy my freedom, I try my best to respect the freedom of others. When I hear of how the Jedi Orthodoxy keeps initiates and padawans on a tight leash, until they’re ready to go outside. It makes sense, given my own screw-up. But if I’d known that from the get go, would I have joined? There’s a part of me that says I wouldn’t have.

I try to do what good I can. The Jedi were the first people that reached out to me that weren’t like those that came before, generally awful. But one doesn’t need to be a Jedi to be a good person. I’ve learned that now. Seen it many times.

I wonder what I could have been if not for the Jedi. Odds are I’d probably be some criminal somewhere. They accepted me despite my rap sheet, even as there’s parts of me that rails against their teachings.

I’ve seen the problems on the outside too. But I clam up when I see behavior I don’t agree with from my fellows. I try to remain calm and support how I can. They say to listen to the will of the force, but I try not to lose what it means to be a person.
Some of the others have me worried, their behavior hasn’t been well received on the outside and continued outbursts that put others in danger at bad times have been an issue. Some I’ve tried to help with, others I know I can’t because my own misdeeds can be thrown back in my face.

Maybe…

I still see faults in the order, how they run things. Things that I’ve mostly kept to myself. Part of me wonders if despite our trying to be better, we’re just as big of a {Expletive}-up as the rest of the people in the galaxy.
But maybe that they’re trying to be better is enough? It’s something, at least.

[The1Kobra]

I do admit, the madness of the past few days, or even weeks, has kept me busy. Though, the past few days can probably best be described like this:

What.

The.

[EXPLETIVE]?!?

I don’t even know where to begin with this entry. What I feel. Disappointment? Exhaustion? Annoyed? Like I’d still be comparatively sane if I pretended the card I have is of an actual kobold and I speak with them so I can have someone to talk to about things I dare not with anyone else? There’s been so much that’s gone on now that I have trouble sorting it out.

Pride and Paranoia, it’s a dangerous combination, I’ve found. The belief that one is infallible can lead to arrogance, and I’ve seen how it causes problems. I recall being told by Sparks that I’m someone who second guesses their every move. I know what happened when I don’t, and now I see what happens when others don’t as well. People don’t want to back down, and it leads to tragedy.

Easily preventable tragedy.

If back then, Kevin had apologized to Feya about the thing with the drink, if he’d shown remorse for what had happened out of ignorance and no malice, then one situation wouldn’t have escalated so. Now it’s spiraled out of control instead.

Corbin, I’ve worried about him for a while. There was a time when I found myself disagreeing with how he did things, but then things worked out well. He trusted in the Force, almost purely. He managed to do well because of it. He was the sane voice to my craziness, when I was at my worst. But now, it seems like he’s falling, and he’s picked up my worst habits. I’ve told him so. I’ve seen how since my return, he didn’t at first seem to recognize my new rank, he was doing things without telling me. Okay, I get it, I made mistakes, and he saw me at my worst. I don’t blame him for that.
But when he showed no remorse for what had happened to Collor, where he shut the jammer off because he didn’t trust me, where he was so sure that he did the right thing, even though someone died for it. I knew it was trouble. But I still tried my best for him, to understand and support him. I remember how I said to Elyd that he did his best and was caught in a bad situation. Should I have? Should I have pressed on it? Given what’s happened, maybe I should have. It’s not easy to watch.
Especially with what came after. I fell to disgrace because I exposed corruption without thinking of the consequences, and a thousand people died for it. Did he really do something so similar to what I did?

I know what happened. A part of me even supports it. It was ruthless, but don’t the Sith deserve it, given what they do? Should we hamstring ourselves out of legal obligation while they work and corrupt from within? I don’t find myself objecting to what happened. Getting caught up on legal minutae seems pointless to me. Though maybe that’s remnants of what I used to be.

Misunderstanding and tragedy. The fight between Ira’dana, Glitch, and Sandra, it should never have happened like that. I partly blame myself, I should have been on the comms, clarified things. Maybe if I’d gotten there sooner.
At least we’ve gotten them to drop the matter, but it remains so fragile. Too much pride, not enough room for forgiveness there. I hope it’ll ease and mend over time. I’m worried about Feya though, her feelings of isolation and paranoia are getting worse. I wish I knew how to help her move past it. Hopefully without her doing something like what I did. Maybe the doctor will be enough.

Cordelia, I’m so sorry about that. She really did try her best. They forgave my mistakes? Why couldn’t they fully forgive her’s? Maybe it’s for the best. I don’t think she’d be able to make it as a Jedi, but I wish I could help her see that she can still help people as a doctor. Probably more than someone like me.

I keep my hurts close, my mistakes. I never want to make them again. If my regrets help me be a better person, then I’ll keep them.
I’m a Padawan now. Sometimes I still feel I don’t fit in the order, but I’m doing my best.

I used to think people were terrible, that we were generally horrible. But I found I was different. I despised that. Then I came here, found friends, people who weren’t terrible, people who could be better. And when I joined up with the Jedi, I kept to that people could grow, people could be better than what they are. I still believe that, but I know we’re flawed. And that’s why we need to believe in each other, flaws and all, to understand, to heal, and to be better.
I’ve seen it.
I know we can do better.

[The1Kobra]

Helping others can be so complicated. Especially when people need help from their own self-destructive tendencies. I’ve seen it a lot before, though not to such a scale. I’m still expected to, even though for one’s efforts, one only receives scorn. It can definitely be taxing. Old me would have just stopped caring. Maybe there is some wisdom to that. But we’re supposed to be better than that. I sometimes wonder if it’s an impossible task.

Pride, Fear, Greed, even just stupidity, I’ve seen how all of these can end up destroying someone. Left to their own devices they’ll just destroy themselves and probably drag those around them with them. I used to be a big believer in respecting one’s choices, their freedom. I suppose I still am, but that does contradict things like trying to help people in ways they wouldn’t approve? Taking all of an addict’s drugs and destroying them won’t be met with any thanks. If anything they’d curse and try to find more ways to ruin themselves. Helping someone like that is a slow, exhausting task. What then is the right thing? To let them destroy themselves, or to try and help them regardless of how much one is hated for it and resisted?

Hated either way, really. I wonder if some of the detachment I see from the Jedi simply comes from being too care-worn. It is exhausting.

I also think to the topic of secrets. No one likes being in the dark. Sometimes it’s necessary. I understood when people didn’t tell me things. They didn’t trust me, and it’s for good reason. I find myself keeping silence a lot more lately. After all, how much damage was done by not keeping one’s silence about matters? I’ve done it before, even if well intended. Yet there’s other times when such things were opened when they should have stayed closed, and made things worse. Often feels like I’m having trust issues now, to what I said earlier about fear, paranoia. Out of trying to protect people from themselves.

I remember joining the Jedi in large part because I wanted to believe that people could be better than that, that we could rise above the petty, awful, self-destructive beings sentients often are. I’ve seen the darker parts of the galaxy where letting that run rampant only leads to ruin and misery. Is trying to become better than that truly an impossible task? Is striving to be better a task in vain, where people will always default back to being awful?
Or is it’s progress slow, so slow one barely recognizes it, while always having to remain vigilant against entropy, from within and without.

The path of the Jedi is a hard path. I was warned it would be. Sometimes it seems so hard. It really is more than just fighting the Sith and slavers, which is all I wanted to do for a long time. Indulging revenge doesn’t help in the end though. I know that much at least.

Here’s hoping that all the care I’ve taken isn’t for nothing.

[The1Kobra]

Keep your friends close, and enemies closer.

I do have mixed feelings about the new arrangement. I know better than to think the Sith are playing it straight with us. It’s not a change of heart, but it’s nothing I’m not used to. I used to say “The enemy of my enemy is also my enemy, and don’t be too certain about your friends either”. I know better than that now, but the enemy of an enemy does not make a friend. Still, there’s mutual interests, so that’s a start. Maybe more can blossom from that.

Still, I know some of them are in some ways understandable. Devoted to a brighter future at any cost. I wonder if I might have been like that had my experiences been different. But events led me to the Jedi instead. A chance to become something better than what I’d been. Given my past, it felt so different. I know there are flaws, struggles, hardships, but it’s something worth struggle for. It needs constant struggle for. It’s not the natural state of affairs, but I’ve seen where the natural state of affairs leads. Ruin and death and dust.

It’s funny, I used to chafe at the strict rules that the order follows, but the more I see, the more I come to understand how they came to be, and why they’re kept. I’ve seen how flaunting them does lead to trouble. I’ve been in it myself and I see others self-destruct from lacking discipline and focus. I still feel the pull to do my own thing, often. I still do at times. But I see how easily not keeping that in check can lead to disaster. Despite what we try to be, none of us are all seeing or all-knowing, we cannot always see what will happen with what we do.

Though recent madness has taken a turn. I’ll admit I’m still perplexed by what’s happened with Sandra. I can’t say I like being ordered to keep out of the affair, but I perfectly understand why that was asked of me. Honestly I don’t know what I’d do if I saw her again. I actually would be tempted to try and help her hide, and I am already skeptical of the accusations against her, even if they’re credible enough to be possibly true. She’s under a lot of pressure and definitely could have snapped. Maybe I could just give her the same advice she gave me when I was at my lowest. That might be for the best, if I ever do meet her now.

I only wish I could have visited Darian before he died… I know Sandra cared for him. In a way, I feel I might have been responsible for that. I didn’t even get to say goodbye. Or just try to catch up. I wanted to.
Still haunted by my past mistakes. I likely always will be.

The situation has definitely gotten complicated. I’ll admit, some of these neo-Sith, I still don’t know what to make of them. They’re not like the ones I used to be with, so I’d best keep an open mind. Malak’s sith though? Definitely like the ones I used to be with. And I’ll be ready to fight them when called for it.

Life goes on, with all of it’s unexpected twists and turns. I hope I’ll be ready for it.

[The1Kobra]

Jedi Knight Zseralaskh

It’s strange, I never thought it would or should ever happen to me. And yet, the day I became a knight, I don’t feel much different to the person I was the day before. But when I look at myself now and the person I was when I went to the Praxeum. The person I was when I became a Padawan. The person I was before I joined the order, so much changes over that time. But day to day, it feels like nothing’s changed at all, and then suddenly it surprises you that so many things are different. It goes little by little, until one day you realize something’s different and it seems surprising how it happened, even if it makes perfect sense.

So many seem to make a big deal out of the promotion and rank, but I’m just doing what I can to help where I can. The change in title isn’t what’s important, it’s the gradual growth that came before. Maybe it’s a way of acknowledging that. I suppose I never cared for formalities and such.

I feel calmer, less troubled by what has haunted me. That never would have described me years ago. But here I am now.

Well, better get moving, there’s still a lot to do. And plenty of ideals to live up to. May I never falter in upholding them.

[The1Kobra]

It still in a way, felt odd being a Jedi Knight. It did mean more responsibilities, and also meant other forms of recognition. Being called Knight Zseralaskh instead of the more casual Qy. Others regard such differently.

A sigh escaped Qy as he leaned back at the end of the day, gently stroking the creature that was resting on him, letting out a contented purr-like sound with each pat and rub. It served as a momentary distraction from what he needed to get done.

“I had similar feelings like this before, but I was an initiate then, only on leave from the corps. When I knew there were problems, but couldn’t do much about them. Now it seems like they’re back. I should be able to solve them myself. I suppose it’s one of those things that will take time and patience.”

A sigh, a lean back, as Qy pondered what was going on. There were a lot of things to handle at once. Progress has been slow on some of them. Slower than he’d like. He knew that he should trust in the Force, and not try to rush things. Still, he knew that inaction wasn’t good either. Not that he was being inactive, but sometimes he had that feeling that he could do better.
We all could.
Qyilisc looked down at the creature as he momentarily stopped his snout-rubbing against him, looking up to the Trandoshan with those large, red, beady eyes, before going back to nuzzling.

“I’m worried. It’s like I had to watch from a distance as he deteriorated. And those I’ve been close with don’t appear as stable as they did before. I’m seeing warning signs. I try my best to help guide them, but it doesn’t seem like it sticks. I know, it took a while for myself to learn the same lessons. And after great tragedy. Something he’s always going to hold against me for sure. I sometimes wonder if I have learned my lessons. Or maybe a bit too well. I still see progress at one of them at least, though. I’ll probably confirm my choice after what I had in mind, though of course an unexpected situation came up. Still, he’s handling it well.”

He looked down to the scaly critter he was stroking, for some reason he seemed to understand surprisingly well, or maybe he was just listening without passing judgement, which was what he needed right now.

“What do you think? Of how I’m handling it.”
The creature bobs his head, snout and beady eyes looking up to me.
“It’s so vewy nice that you cawe so much, yipyip!”
Qy managed a short chuckle and smile at that, still stroking the kobold that was snuggling against him gently.
“Are you sure that’s enough alone?”
“Evewything else comes fwom that. But you shouldn’t be asking if that’s enough, because the only thing that can be expected fwom youwwesewf and othows is that you simpwy do the best you can.”
Qyilisc craned his head, listening to the kobold.
“You don’t have to keep huwting youwwesewf fowwe what happened. You can fowwegive othows fowwe theiwwe mistakes, you can fowwegive youwwesewf.”
A sigh at that, Qyilisc had heard this before, even told himself this a lot. But he had some trouble taking it to heart. Somehow it helped hearing it again, though.

“What of the others?..”
“Peopwe awwen’t twuly bad. Most of them awwe afwaid in some mannow of what they don’t fuwwy undowstand. They only want to pwotect themsewves and what they cawe about.
That’s why it’s impowtant to bewieve in them and help them.”

Qy couldn’t help but be skeptical of this, but the kobold said it with such conviction. He’d seen so much wrong in the galaxy, hatred, suffering, cruelty. Could he really believe in it?
He did for Myrri, after all. For some reason that stuck in his mind. Afraid, alone, forced into evil, struggling to get out of it. It did make sense for her, even when when he knew her, she seemed rotten to the core. But he knew he was mistaken afterwards.
There were likely others. He knew that put a person into a rotten situation and they often became rotten. Put a person into a situation filled with care and help, and that would permeate. It took much effort to keep, though.

“Those hugs really do help, huh?”
“Yipyip! I know you’ve thought of those wefugees. Most of them feel so wonewy and abandoned. Peopwe often feew that way when they wose hope. It’s what they need most, hope, cawwe, company, and to let them know they awwen’t awone.”
Qy patted the kobold’s head again, the creature had a simple wisdom to it, one he could understand. Before he’d have probably just dismissed it as naivety, but there was something to it.

The kobold let out a content purr-like sound. He let the evening drift off…

He could rest and relax for now, there was more he’d be able to tend to later.

[The1Kobra]

Been a while since I wrote in this. Lot’s changed around now. I’ve taken two Padawans, we have some promising new people coming in. Naturally the temple is still loaded with problems. And of course recent events have loaded the temple with even more problems just as they were about to be fixed. Feya and Jim sent a complaint through Sentinel to the High council and now things have gotten very top heavy. Judging from Feya’s reaction though she’s probably even less satisfied with the solution. Wonder if they’re all happy now if the constant pettiness and infighting led to this. It’s certainly gotten in the way of getting things done. I have noticed that no one’s reporting things on official channels for fear of being lectured by Atris.
Fear.
That’s something I very distinctly notice about Atris and it worries me. She doesn’t inspire hope, confidence, or anything. Most of the others fear her, but few respect her. My own impressions of her have, at least when she is upset, it was for understandable reasons. But she does give me doubts in the back of my mind, even if I cannot find a fully logical reason and proven for why just yet. I know what I have heard, but I must make sure it all holds up to scrutiny. Her stance on matters I think may be overly cautious. Possibly born of fear itself. It is a distinct possibility. I’ll have to find out why she was so against the council sending aid in the Mandalorian Wars, despite the Jedi’s obligations to the Republic. It is a possibility it could at the root of it, be just fear, hidden by arrogance.

Then again, it’s not like she is without points either.
So many have so much pride. It blinds them. I’ve noticed it in the initiates time and time again, getting drawn and focused into more petty and selfish, small minded matters. We do have many that have been better, and I am grateful for it. It does take time to work around this. Too much pride, not enough reason.

So much work to do. Never thought I’d take padawans, but here I am. I think I still get looks because of who I chose. Well, here I am. Life is full of surprising twists and turns. Never thought I’d be the wise teacher type. I still am not. But I suppose it’s a good fit in a way. One padawan couldn’t bend or break her stances at all, the other is all too steadily sliding over a slippery slope. Perhaps that’s why, maybe they can find a balance in themselves and each other that way.

So much to do, too much damage control. What a mess. As usual.

[The1Kobra]

So, I went back there.
After I spent so long running from it.
After I spent so long putting it behind me.
I went there.
I charged right in.
I charged right the kriff in.
Would I still do it?
Probably.

I had a mission there. I didn’t go bringing up the depths of my past on Korriban. I couldn’t have cared less if I’d have run into old man zombie-face or any of the others who I used to be the classmates of. That’s all behind me, and I have more important things to do now. But the planet itself. That’s still something. Doesn’t feel any less like being choked in smog down there. I suppose I didn’t feel it so keenly before that I became dulled to it, but this time I felt like I had to dull my senses just to breathe there.

I figured I’d see horrors there. I saw plenty. Showing anyone /that/ stuff should scare them off of ever following such a path. Anyone decent. But there’s a definite shortage of those people in the galaxy. I didn’t panic seeing those things then. Of course I see them now and it kind of unsettles me. Didn’t let it affect me then, I guess I’ve just gotten better at dealing with it. Had to keep focused and ready to stick my saber into some Sith after all. And whatever they were making.

Scorekeeper, what we saw there was an abomination on so many levels. The tainted legacy of those I’ve left behind. I used to think I knew cruelty, hatred, anger, but what I saw there was so much worse. So much worse. Simple self-centeredness and uncaring doesn’t even begin to cover it. It’s like they’re devoted to being as awful as they possibly can. Power doesn’t even factor into it. I’d say I used to understand Sith, what made them tick. Being strong and being free, but it wasn’t like that at all. Not them. Not like that. Freedom had nothing to do with what they were doing. It was evil for evil’s sake, to borrow the holovid cliche made real.

Doesn’t help that I got shot down AGAIN. Okay flying solo against five squadrons of Sith fighters didn’t help any there. They were onto us in no time at all. Thing was a mess. Got shot down and sent back and had to fight several patrols out, and the exit still felt too easy. Like we charged right up to a spaceport and no security? No attempts to stop us? Even had an evac vessel come for us with no trouble even with multiple fighter squadrons? They were right on top of us the moment we kicked off, like they were waiting for us, then to lose us when we got shot down again…

I need to get better at not getting shot down. This time I had many people with me and it could have gotten us all killed. And possibly cost some limbs. Because I kriffed flying out of there. No amount of excuses or apologies will help there. I used to be a smuggler, I should have known better. Not like I can do anything now.

Not like handling the planet was easy either. It was some of the roughest fighting I’ve been in, not helping that the planet itself was against us. I still wonder if we should have gone deeper. I mean it’s not like their swarms of fighters could have shot us down there.

I’ll need to spend some time rebuilding and engineering with my ship totaled. Lost my experimental cloaking device too. We’re already behind on resources and time and this won’t help. I really hope whatever we got there was worth it.

So, I went back there. About as unpleasant as I expected, and remember. I thought I’d never go back, but I did.
I have a feeling I might have to, for the good of us all. How I wish I could simply let old ghosts die in a ditch and lie still. But if I need to be the hunter who goes into dark places once more, so be it, I will be that hunter again and again, however long it is needed of me.

---

An old man in dark robes meditates. A disturbance in the force, a feeling during his meditation. A curious one, coming back, escaping, then coming back again, then escaping again. The dark side was strong here. And the Force did not like to leave loose ends or coincidences. Surely what he felt wasn’t a coincidence. Or maybe an unnecessary distraction. Opportunity? Or were there more important things?
So much to do, after all.

[The1Kobra]

And there I went again.
Back to BEEPing Korriban.

Okay, no one died, no one on our side was hurt (besides pride?). Still was a risky op that could have gone horribly wrong. It didn’t, but it easily could have. I imagine how the others will say I risked a ton trying to rescue two captured civilians, played right into the Sith by meeting aggression with aggression. I understand it was still extremely risky. I did it anyways. Of course I did my due diligence. Got intel before moving in. Confirmation. Did risk analysis with allies. Still risky. Went ahead because waiting further could have made it worse. Plus we did also gain more intel after touching down. Need to follow up on that, but later.

My duel with Xalark was interesting. Both in verbal and in sparring. He seems to feel like he’s an inheritor of an ancient empire. Like he needs to avenge a genocide that allegedly happened ages ago. I keep in mind Sith lie a lot, or perhaps the truth is more complicated. Where he sees grandeur in the tombs and dust of that planet, I saw only failure and the repeat of mistakes that only led to destruction. It doesn’t do anyone good to keep their minds in the past. Learn from it, grow from it, but to be trapped in the past is a path is to keep oneself from growing. I would think they would know that since Sith say they value breaking chains, and staying chained to the distant past would violate their own stated beliefs regarding being free.
I expect it may not be the last time I see him. His followers really didn’t inspire confidence though.

Got the two hostages out unharmed. Got them treated and cared for. Order for more supplies for the hospital. So they should be okay now.

Internal issues in the Order are probably the biggest headache right now. Atris is going to be furious. Thelion already is. I read some very worrying things from his aura, recent events have been getting to him and not in a good way. My mentor is leaving. Other issues that could have been handled a lot better. Some very judgemental behavior I’ve noticed made from being worn down. It was the Order that taught me the importance of fully understanding a situation before charging in. In this case, I made preparations, gathered information, made contingencies, the like. I’m admittedly worried that some took a filtered HoloTV account as whole cloth before more thoroughly investigating a situation. Another thing to follow up on.

My Padawan’s really suffering from it too. Had a potentially dangerous incident. Going to need to work with him more. His internal anger and fear have only gotten worse. I can’t say I blame him completely. What happened has raised some justified fears of the order itself. If it gets worse he might lose himself…

I think the initiates hated the fact that I ordered them to stay on the ship. I know they want to help, or be involved. But honestly given how treacherous the Sith can be, it would have been an idiotic play to have everyone on the ground. Say hello to rigged engine explosions if no one was watching for that. Too much pride, but more to help with later.

Not looking forward to the talk with Master Atris. She’s going to be ten levels of upset. Can’t fully blame her though, it was risky, even though the op was a complete success, it could have been a total disaster. And we can’t rely on luck for things in the future. She would have a point there, at least.

So, more headaches. But I’ll endure them. What matters most is I remain true to myself.

---

He returned. A familiar feeling.
An old man went over to a crashed ship. There were certainly many on this planet. But this one, hrm, maybe it had some answers. Maybe a familiar feeling. Twice in so short amount of time. What could it mean?
And what to do, what to do…

[The1Kobra]

Sometimes, I wonder how much being a Jedi is worth.

When a Jedi fails, is it the problem of the order, or the Jedi themselves?

And when a master of the high council does something against what the Jedi are supposed to stand for, what does that make the Jedi? Are the rest of us accomplices to it? Even if we speak out and make our disagreement known, even though it leads to nothing?

Given what I am, why was I given another chance and others were not?
What happened to Kathea, I can’t condone it. Not one bit. Should I have spoken up? I allowed a gross act of vengeance and malice to happen right in front of me, and I did not move to stop it. And it was clear it was vengeance, not justice being sought there. The two concepts are two sides of the same coin, and with just a flick, one can become the other. And too easily does.

Was it hubris? Was it pride? Did she just need some help and support to keep her from slipping, like many of us have?

Or maybe wearing these pajamas doesn’t mean as much after all. We’re just a galaxy of screw ups. From the most messed up criminal to the Jedi High Council themselves.
No one was perfect in that room. Certainly not Kathea. Certainly not Atris.

And certainly not myself.

But stopping myself with remorse won’t help with anything. Now what to do to rectify this…