Qyilisc Zserelaskh: Journal of Inner Chaos

[The1Kobra]

Qyilisc, when he has some time, types on a datapad. NIT card is disabled, it’s a closed system now, he goes about writing an entry in Dosh…

So…

Writing this journal. Beryn said it might help. Or maybe it’ll just show what a confused mess my thoughts are. Mostly I’ve been writing this down as the thoughts come to me. Might be what’s best. Do impulses show the truest self? Maybe.

I’ve been digging up crystals on Hutlar. Don’t like the cold. I like the crystals though.

Anyways, I botched the engineering of my yellow saberfoil. It’s got a sub-optimal mod. Maybe I’ll make another like my green saber, at least until I’m better able to handle the better mods. Now I’m wondering what color to make the new foil.

I’ve got an overabundance of red crystals. I’ve already got a green. I’m low on yellow. I can make it blue.

Honestly when I first started making these I chose colors out of practicality and resources. Though I did have a preference for yellow back then? I guess I like the color. (Even if it comes out more white).

But then I started hearing about the meaning behind the colors. Red crystals are evidently unnatural and tainted by the dark side, the other colors are not. They represent different paths to the Jedi, but are the crystals themselves inherently different?

Maybe I’m overthinking it, it’s just a color. On the other hand, not everyone would agree with me. I know red is often equated with the Sith, and brandishing one of those around is sure to get bad reactions out of people. Though maybe there’s something more to it. Kind of a shame for those who just like the color red and have to deal with the negative connotations.

When I think of making one red foil and another of a different color, maybe it’s part of me clinging to my past. Not that I ever liked them, but it is still a part of me, even if I wanted to cut it out entirely. Maybe the thought of making a red foil represents my reluctance to let it go entirely? I still have that red double-foil. It’s mostly a matter of practicality using that one at times, if I don’t want to damage my other foils from practical use. But maybe it is more than that, even if I don’t want to admit it.

Note to self, make a yellow foil. Or a blue. And a blue. Save that one for later though?

---

I was by the fire again. With Ira’dana, Sandra, and Markus. Ira was giving Markus some training and pointers in regards to fencing with a dueling blade. Though my first thought when I saw them was that I was glad Ira’dana and Sandra had come together again. I know they’d had a rough patch before but they seem to have made up by now. It was good to spend time with them. I feel comfortable around them.

Though I do admit that Ira’dana’s feud with Beryn still bothers me. They’re both reasonable people, and I’ve met plenty few of them. Why do they ever seem to be at one another’s throats and are unable to reconcile their differences? It’s something that still baffles me.

Can’t seem to get that yellow foil quite right. Up to three failures now. I’ll need to get more materials. Something for later though. Not that I look forward to going back to Hutlar.

[The1Kobra]

I went exploring Tattooine again. I must admit I like the feel of the warm desert air. Feels great on the scales. Still, I understand not everyone feels that way. My biology welcomes the hot and arid climate, but others are not as well adapted.

Anyways, while wandering the desert, I got ambushed by the Tusken Raiders. I’d tried to take care to avoid them, but they still ambushed me. I was able to fend them off, though I started wondering after the battle why they were so aggressive. I haven’t heard of them being open to communication at all, but they’re clearly sentient beings, evidenced by their more advanced tactics and ability to engineer blasters. Is it fear that drives them? Hatred? Do they not value the lives of other beings? Are they just greedy bandits? Or something else? I don’t know, and despite their aggression, that ignorance keeps me questioning things.

Do they treat the Jawas the same way? Maybe I should ask a Jawa about them, they’d probably know better.

I suppose I’ve felt that way before when fighting other sentients. I’ve fought against the Dar’Manda raiders before, but always with reservation despite what I’ve heard because I don’t trust what Czerka says about them. I do trust Mart, but still, I wonder if there’s a better way to handle it.

Still, I don’t have such reservations when fighting those like the Sith, or slavers. They have choices and actively choose to be awful. I suppose so did the Dar’Manda though, by that account. I wonder if the Tusken or the Byssk also choose that? Or simply don’t know better? I suppose one might say some of the others might not know any better, if they’d only learned that way? Or am I just reaching?

Never is an easy thing to figure out.

I later on went to Mon Cala. I wanted some Plagionite for a project. Well, I must admit, Mon Cala’s a nice enough planet when it’s not pouring. I remember parts of the beaches being nice and tranquil and resting there a time. I don’t feel relaxed often, but I felt rather relaxed there. Unfortunately this time it was pouring frigid rain down. So I couldn’t really relax there. I just went inside as soon as I had finished harvesting the materials I wanted. Maybe I’ll stop by when it isn’t pouring. Then again, besides relaxation, I don’t usually have much reason to visit there. Although I do have some fond memories of hunting there alongside Ira.

I spent the rest of the day in the workshop. Other than that it was a pretty quiet day. At least on my end.

[The1Kobra]

So, I came by the fire. Ira was wearing the veil and she looked visibly distraught. Markus was there as well, he seemed disturbed too, but not in the same way. He knows, I’m sure, but he didn’t want to talk about it. I can respect that, he doesn’t want to share a friend’s misery casually. She asked if I’d still planned on joining the Jedi. I said that I did. She seems particularly bitter about them now.

I think I have an idea of what might be going on, but I honestly don’t know.

I spent some time speaking to another Trandoshan. It’s good to see some that Czerka hasn’t hooked their filthy claws into. We had some good discussion about the philosophies of the galaxy. It’s funny, a lot of my own ethics and stances were pretty close to his. I wonder if I’d instinctively held to that while I was alone? I have what my parents taught me, even so long ago. Maybe I’d been clinging to that, rather than what I’d learned after the fact? Maybe. Could be natural for my kind? Well, it still felt good to help him out regardless.

I found out more about the situation between Ira and Callista. They’re both in pretty bad shape. I was told what happened, but for respect of their privacy, I’ll not write about it here.

Still, I’m surprised by Beryn’s reaction to it. I suppose he probably has seen things like that with his age, but I can’t help but wonder if he’d have reconciled with Ira before now, maybe things wouldn’t have gotten so bad. I have my worries for where this could lead. I hope I’m just worrying for nothing. Dealing with an active presence of the force that’s corrupted is easier than trying to fix this situation, that’s for sure.

That or it’s just the frustration from realizing there’s not much I can do but wait and be there when it’s time.

[The1Kobra]

You damned fool,
You damned fool,
You damned fool Qyilisc,
You damned fool,

Given what I was, I really should have known. Beryn did say converts tend to go to the extremes. In this case if I hadn’t been in such a rush to discard everything I learned back then then I wouldn’t be in this situation having had to regenerate most of my organs. It was only by luck that I lived through that.
Should have known,
Should have known,
And I still don’t know.

Maybe I should have run.
Maybe I should have holocommed first.
Maybe I should have fought back.
Maybe I should have done something else.

All I know is? I (expletive)ed up. And nearly died for it.

An irony. In trying to preserve lives, I might have ended up causing more pain and death. I know I can be an awful (expletiive) if I want to be. Why couldn’t I be when it would have been better for everyone if I was?

I’m going to hear no end of it for this mess. I deserve it too. I misjudged things badly.
A regret of a different kind now.

[The1Kobra]

To strike or not to strike, sometimes decisions come down to such a simple thing. A choice between two things each with their own terrible consequences.

I was on Tattooine the other day. A panicked man told me about a group that was attacked by the Tuskens. I went over to investigate. By the time I’d gotten there, the Tuskens had already killed everyone that was part of the mining colony.

I could have ignited my weapons and cut them all down easily enough. But the question is if I should have? I still don’t know.
I don’t know the Tuskens well, I don’t know what motivates them or drives them. Even with the force I couldn’t get a clear view on what they wanted.

So it came to the choice, should I have attacked and killed them, or should I have let them go?

They’d murdered that mining crew. Doing nothing means they’re free to attack others. Doing nothing meant they escaped justice. That those who cared for those who were attacked get nothing but more fear, inaction.

Killing them would mean I’d be doing the same as them. Even if I call it justice, is it just revenge? Satiation of bloodlust? Killing is killing, even to ones as different as we are.

My old self would have struck them down without much hesitation, had I been able. I know my teacher Althea went off to fight the Mandalorians, so I know which side she fell under when she made that choice. Still, she’s mentioned the easiest way to do something terrible is actually through trying to do the right thing. Justice can be perverted into vengeance. I can see that easily enough. Vengeance and hatred feed into more vengeance and hatred. I know this lesson all too well.

I still wonder if I made the right call… maybe I am growing too passive… I’ll have to ask her for guidance.

[The1Kobra]

Archaeology,

It’s a topic I’m rather familiar with. It deals with digging up the past. And I managed to give a lesson on it without really sharing my own personal experiences with it. It’s funny, because the past keeps creeping up on us. Some go digging for it and some try to forget it. Regardless, there’s always a pull to go digging for it again for answers.

I learned a lot about it from when I was a slave. Working with the equipment. Maintaining it. Digging carefully and cautiously, patiently. It’s ironic because we weren’t taught patience in the rest of our training there, but proper archaeology requires a lot of it. I suppose Ananaesi’s method of punishment for breaking something valuable kept people on their toes when doing this work. I’m supposed to be above that sort of thing now, but there’s times when I still feel like finding him and doing it to him.

I was usually remanded to maintaining the equipment. Of course the others wanted to go diving in, digging in a rush to find what was valuable while I did all of the boring busywork keeping things steady and digging through piles of boring rock. Not that this was entirely bad, despite the long hours of hard work. Since I was less often breaking things I didn’t have electric currents applied to my face as often. I still kept having to maintain the equipment of my ungrateful colleagues plus my own, though.

It did have it’s advantages though…

Loriel was one of such colleagues. Jedi reject. Total [Expletives] in every way possible. Had his little gang of Jedi rejects at the sites. He’d also murdered the only friend I had there. Calrey, I still find I miss him and what we did together. Going to those wild parties helped me stay sane, even though I had to clean up after, I still enjoyed them. The pain I felt when Loriel murdered Calrey… that’s not something that leaves you. Just remains buried.

I hated Loriel for a long time, even as he rubbed it in my face that I had to keep maintaining his equipment. It definitely gave me an idea when he was planning his next big dig. He liked to brag, and he had the support of his ex-Jedi buddies, while I had only myself. He didn’t bother checking his own equipment too closely. During one of his planned big digs, the power unit on his excavation drill overloaded and several of the components were rather overly flammable. It was an “accident” that ended up fatal for him. Carelessness and impatience can certainly be a big problem in Archaeology, one cannot afford mistakes like that.

Naturally, his buddies were quite upset about it, and angry, very angry. Ananaesi was rather pleased with me. It wasn’t because Loriel was an awful [Expletive] and wanted to be rid of him, though… I knew what I’d done. I felt okay with it, but it’s the kind of thing that I’m supposed to be above now. More to the pile that I keep buried…

That’s just the thing about archeologists, we do have a way of digging up the past. Digging up those feelings and thoughts I would rather keep buried. I just know it though that this is going to get dug up in the future though, and I must be ready…

[The1Kobra]

Helpless,

That’s what I feel right now, helpless. Every step we take is a step back. For all the skill and combat proficiency I’ve learned, it’s worth nothing. Not that combat proficiency is worth anything either. The enemies I have never seem to get in my sights. The enemies I’m up against these days have far more power, information, and resources than I could ever have. The one time I locked sabers with an opponent, they effortlessly took me down in seconds. And that was just someone who was a victim of bad information while the ones responsible for setting up that mess got away with everything, and a lot of people died right in front of me. It’s like no matter what I do, it’s always a losing move.

In other words, no different than when I was a hatchling. No different when the Obsidian Sun crew caught me, and especially no different from my time after they sold me.
I still seethe with hatred and rage at them. Both of them. Makes my cold blood boil.

The damned Republic. I’m supposed to be helping them but it’s like they do everything to keep us from doing that. It’s like of late everything I’ve seen out of them is an irritating mixture of corrupt and incompetent. The ones who aren’t selling their own side out to the Sith are busy sabotaging their own side by murdering civilians and ordering the actual troopers into attacking people who would be helping them, and no one seems to care about actually keeping them under control. Makes one wonder if they’re even worth trying to help if they’re this much of a mess. That they treat their nominal allies with contempt at best doesn’t do them any favors either.

At least on Nar Shadaa and {REDACTED}, or on the crew of the Azure Shadow, they didn’t even bother putting up the illusion that they actually cared at all.

Althea said that perhaps the easiest way to fall to the dark side is to try and do good and go too far at it. But having seen them in person, I honestly don’t know how someone could fall so far and not even realize they’re only hurting their own cause. Or how people could support that madness, or be entirely blind to it.

Not that I can do a damned thing about it either way. Every move I make, our enemy still wins. Every single damned time.

[The1Kobra]

I do feel a bit better after last night, though it’s not over.

Trirst said that he doesn’t see bloodlust in me that most Trandoshans have. I said I kept it in check. I’m not sure either is true. I felt it a lot last night.

When I saw the Sith battling the fake Sith, every part of me wanted to go join in on the melee, especially when I saw that lightsaber. I wanted to take him down so much. I didn’t in the end, but it took every ounce of will and trust in my friends that I had to not go shooting in, or charging in. I know it probably would have ended badly, but I really, really wanted to.

And when I saw those “Sith” troopers attack the colony after we came back, I didn’t hesitate. That battle, I have to admit to myself, I loved it. I felt great. Like I was finally making a difference. That I was doing what I wanted to do. No hesitation there. Striking that blow, aiding my friends, saving innocent lives, and taking down some wretches who need to be taken down, my heart was thrilled.
Jedi are supposed to be above such feelings though. Or detached from them? I must admit, with my origins, I’m not sure I can be completely distanced. But I didn’t allow them to jeopardize things. I know joining that initial melee would have been a bad idea now, much as I wanted to. I suppose it’s enough, for now at least.

Still, it’s not over. We can’t trust the Republic forces out here anymore. They knew full well what was going on and wanted to just cover it up. And they have me marked for elimination by falsely saying I’m a Sith now in their own channels and working to kill the rest of the Jedi. If that’s the way they’re going to be, then so be it. I’ve wanted to refrain from being an awful bastard, give the Jedi way my all. But if I have to, then so be it. I tried being nice, and gently directing them towards the actual Sith, the actual foes. But if I need to hold a knife to their necks to make them do what they’re supposed to be doing, then so be it. I’ve done this before. I haven’t wanted to, but I can.

My hesitation at working against them is gone now. I see they’re no ally, even though they’re supposed to be. I just hope I’m not falling too far with this. I do have one reservation, if I spend too much effort hindering them, then our common, actual foe will win, which is something I want to prevent.

I’ll have to talk it over with my friends. I suppose I can count on them to keep me from going too far, but this little scheme of mine shouldn’t result in anyone dying. Unless they decide to be dumb or send people to kill me. In which case I’m going to say: I dare them to.

[The1Kobra]

Drugs.
I see the hopeless addicts on the streets of the Veles colony. They’ve been so broken that they find only solace in hallucination. It’s awful to see how some have lost all hope for anything and how broken they’ve become. I’ve seen it many times. It’s hitting me more now.
Especially when I see someone I see as a friend struggling with it. The same hopelessness and despair. Even after one goes off of it they never truly recover.
I’ve been looking into the drug problems in the colony. It’s a side-hunt. It’s tough, trying to help people who have been so broken to think that nothing they do matters. Of course someone is harassing them and keeping them hopeless. Something I can do something about… I keep telling myself that.

But it does have me thinking back on my own deeds and past.

After escaping slavery, I tried doing a bunch of odd jobs to keep myself. I was still trying to keep a low profile and move around. I found that doing big game hunting helped, though I refused to go into bounty hunting. Too big of a way to get a high profile. I was pretty good at it, Trandoshans are naturals and my father was a Bounty Hunter, and he taught me some of what he knew. Still, hunting non-sentients didn’t offer a lot of credits, and I wanted to keep moving around. More afraid that those I’d escaped from would find me again. I figured I wouldn’t get far alone.

I ended up signing on as a crewman for the Azure Shadow. It was a smuggling vessel. It was a decently sized crew, if only the others were in any way decent. They hired me on as dumb muscle for moving cargo and intimidating anyone who happened to cross them. Other than that though, the captain, first mate, and crew, all just treated me like some dumb, savage beast of burden. I’d get called “Lizard” or “Packlizard”. I wasn’t technically a slave, and they at least paid me for my services to them, but I still didn’t like their company. They weren’t a family or tribe. Just people I did dirty work with.
Captain Taldon Haines and First Mate Jacques Bainsley, both of them were vicious, nasty, and thoroughly amoral. They were out for profit however possible, which to be fair, at the time, I was used to everyone I knew being that way, so I didn’t mind overmuch at the time.
We did a lot of smuggling runs. Weapons, controlled substances. I didn’t mind it. I rationalized it that people could get weapons anyways and controlled substance contraband, well, people chose to buy them after all, so once again, I didn’t mind.

I shudder to think of how many people were hurt and put into hopelessness because of my participation in spice smuggling now though…

We did have the occasional scrap, mostly with rivals smuggler groups. I can say I didn’t much like being with the crew, mostly because Haines and Bainsley were both awful to me. Still, just about everyone besides my dead parents were to me, so it was just how things were. They seemed to eventually realize I was an escaped slave while I was working with them. It certainly didn’t prompt them to treat me any better. Part of me wondered how much they’d have sold me back for. I never explicitly told them, but I had the feeling they figured it out. It didn’t come to that, but it came to something else…

We made a stop on Ord Mantell, made a pretty nice delivery. We had some time off, spent some time at the Cantina. I didn’t feel too comfortable there though, the crew bonded better with each other than I, and Haines and Bainsley were out doing something. I went back to the ship and discovered what they were up to.

They were loading the ship up with passengers. Then I figured out they weren’t “passengers”, they were going to be made slaves, delivered to Hutt Space. Bainsley told me to help loading up the passengers. I told them I was going back to drinking at the cantina instead.

I might have been willing to rationalize smuggling contraband goods, but having been a slave myself, I wasn’t going to tolerate that. I went over to where the authorities were and contacted them, I tried to do so discretely at least. They had me wear a tracker and listening device. I went back to the Azure Shadow.

Getting everyone on took some time, I hated it seeing those people being loaded up into compartments like cargo. I was furious, sick to the core. I tried my best to not get my hands dirty with it. Bainsley and Haines definitely noticed my discomfort though. Not that they cared much beyond shouting at me to get back to work. Which admittedly, I didn’t. I opted to stand watch. I did try to make sure my recorder got the sounds of the persons being loaded onto the ship, unwillingly.

Eventually, it got rough. We were about to leave, when our crew caught word of the authorities closing in. Haines ordered a takeoff, and we would have gotten off before the inspectors got there, but I quickly slipped away to sabotage the engines, making sure The Azure Shadow was stuck. That’s when Haines and Bainsley found me in the engine room. I tried to act innocent, but they’d caught on by now. They pulled their blaster pistols on me.

It all happened so fast.
I hadn’t shown them my force sensitivity before, but it was an all too familiar feeling of using lightning. I blasted Bainsley in the face. Haines took a shot at me, which hit, but then I rushed over to Haines, having used the force to speed myself up. I grabbed his hand and his head, and smashed his head repeatedly into the engine room’s walls. I still remember the sound of his skull cracking against the wall messily. I didn’t stop smashing him into the wall even after he was dead.

I came to my senses soon after, but both of them were already dead. By that time, the authorities had already busted into the ship. I heard some fighting, but most of the crew stood down and was arrested.

They’d freed those people who were going to be enslaved, and I at least didn’t have any charges brought up against me for my participation in the Azure Shadow’s dealings, as thanks for my help in making this bust.

I didn’t want to stick around, though. I doubted the authorities would trust someone who was part of a smuggler crew, and the underworld is always going to be wary of someone who betrays their captain. That and I was attracting way too much attention. I did like that I was able to stop a slaving ring from starting off,
but I just wanted to get away from it all.

I know I betrayed my crew in the end. I know I keep telling myself that when we delivered drugs to people on that crew, we weren’t forcing people to buy them, we weren’t robbing anyone of their choices. But now I have to wonder how much harm I helped contribute to while I worked for that crew…

Maybe this is all why I seem to want to protect Markus as well. He’s confessed to me his guilt in the crimes he’s accused of. After recent events I’m also doubting the integrity of the Republic authorities as well. My recent conversations regarding them have not left me with good impressions of them either, and combined with what I’ve seen, they seem plenty dirty too.

Maybe I’ll find some answers in this chaos I find myself in… so many interweaving thoughts, feelings, and events, all tangled in a mess. Somehow though I think finding answers will only further get me tangled in all of these conflicting thoughts and feelings… but maybe reminiscing about the past won’t help. There’s a lot I want to leave behind. I have to much to do in the present.

[The1Kobra]

Well now I’ve done it.
Now I’ve really done it.

I suppose it’s to be expected. I’ve wanted it for a long time, and now I’ve done it. Strike a blow against my tormentors from long ago. Wasn’t the same people, but it was the same group, and they’d hurt people I’m close with, so I was glad to participate. Still, odds are I’ve made a lot of enemies that day, a lot of them very powerful. And despite being with the Jedi now, I don’t see a lot of support from them.

That feeling when you’re out of your depth. Way out of your depth? Hitting me hard now. I haven’t minded danger. I haven’t minded fighting battles. But here, I’m feeling like I’ve just tried to stand against something that could crush me with a shrug, and now I’ve provoked them and given them reason to do it. It’s entirely possible I have three sith lords and a darth very angry with me now. And possibly out for my head. They’re likely not going to let me off easy anymore.

I suppose I knew what I was getting into doing this, even euphoric about it. I know I often project a demeanor of calm confidence. Like I’m pillar of Keromber, standing tall to lean on. But deep down? I can admit with myself that I’m very, very afraid.

[The1Kobra]

Let it go son,
Let it go,

You have a chip on your shoulder, a need to prove you aren’t what you used to be.

…

I still have trouble processing it. I know I don’t in the same way humans do. It’s still a challenge. But I’ve always been close with my passions. Still are, even if I’m better at controlling it now.
Which is why I find myself more confused than anything now that Beryn is gone. I don’t even know how I’m supposed to feel. I’ve been mired in death, I haven’t really cared a lot about anyone else. Before he and the other Jedi came into my life and found comfort in their company.
I guess the last time I felt this way was with Calrey. But there, it was straight up murder by someone I hated. I could make myself feel better by having his archeological equipment explode on him. But I can’t do that here. Beryn knew I would have jumped straight into blaster fire and sabers swinging for him, he knew I enjoyed it when I could feel blasters flying and blades clashing. He definitely knew about it. Knew more about me than I did myself. But he already solved that. I don’t feel angry or betrayed or the like, just a stunned emptiness I guess. Not that much of one, though. I can tell Beryn was alright with what happened.

In my people’s culture… I honestly don’t even know. I’ve been so distanced from typical Trandoshan culture that I don’t even know how to handle something like this. I suppose if anything, I’ve been part of the Jedi’s clan, and he was like a revered elder. At the very least, he went out in a way that would have made the scorekeeper proud. Not that I’m too close with that religion, but, I guess sometimes I feel drawn to it.

Thank you for everything, I’ll try my best to live up to what you thought I could be.
Well, without the chip on my shoulder. I’ll call it a work in progress.

[The1Kobra]

Intrigue, Scheming, Plotting, Spywork even.

I’m not unfamiliar with the concept, I’ve been involved in plenty of it myself, though how things work here are quite different than what I’m used to. Trading favors is an alien concept to me, but it’s clearly something that’s respected here. The idea that people only break rules when the time is proper is also something I don’t really understand either.

What I’m used to? People are out for their own self interests, if you’re useful to them, they might use you. If they’re useful to you, you use them. There’s no such thing as doing something against your own interests for someone else’s sake. And if you make trades, it had better be for something tangible, because otherwise one side can just cut and run, and betray the other side. No rules or laws to follow, except for what you can get away with. Expect to be betrayed whenever you leave yourself open, and be ready to betray them the moment you can get something.

I expected things to be different of course, I welcomed the change, but I still in many ways think with my old skillset and point of view. The idea that all manner of shady companies can break rules in ‘acceptable’ ways but not all the time in ‘unacceptable’ ways just doesn’t make sense to me. I can understand wanting to not attract too much hostility, I kept my head down a lot back then. But if one can get away with things, break alleged rules without any repercussions, then they would, wouldn’t they? And if others know they’re being a problem to them, why not just have them dealt with rather than dancing around with all of the politics?

Still, I know things are supposed to be different. I shouldn’t and can’t care only about my own interests now. I suppose my expectation of looking out for the ‘clan’, the closest analogue I have to my people’s society works the same way here. I guess with a ‘clan’ this large and with so many diverse interests it doesn’t work the same way.

Either way, it just means that there’s some people I really should only talk to when it’s absolutely crucial. I can understand that at least. Time is valuable after all, and careless steps mean I could fall into some social trap I entirely misunderstand. Shouldn’t have bothered in retrospect. I guess I’ll take it as a learning experience. Better learn quickly though. Understanding perspectives is important.

[The1Kobra]

I really have changed.

Back then, back when I first thought about all of this, about dealing with the crew that forced me into slavery, I was sure I’d just charge in, kill them all, get revenge, then celebrate afterwards. Especially the captain. I envisioned myself force choking him within an inch of his life as he begged for mercy, and then at the end, I’d deny it and kill him messily and painfully. It was a thought that kept me warm for years. So when it came time for the real thing, none of that happened.

The captain I’d hunted was already dead, and the new captain didn’t elicit such hatred from me. I thought he would, but it didn’t, I kept myself calm and centered, I kept focused, and I even spared who I could, despite them being a crew that did so much to torment me. A few months ago and I probably would have massacred them all in a furious rage, and felt good about it.

Then there was an old classmate. Saying she was a friend would be a gross stretch. We were never friends, we liked tormenting each other, one upping each other for our own benefit. But the more I thought about it, the more what I saw when I met her again made sense. She was afraid, tired, and broken. I was too. I think she always was, struggling for a way out, to be free, under the pressure we all had. Maybe she wasn’t so terrible beneath her cruel exterior.

She tried to swing her blade at me on that ship. I remember when we used to spar and fight back years ago, she was always one of the best, and could definitely beat me. When we fought now, she couldn’t even hit me. I could tell that my time away has allowed me to heal myself, and grow better for it. She never had that chance. I couldn’t have ever imagined just parrying every blow she swung at me without striking back, but it felt right when I did there.

What she told me makes fits too. Our teacher never did like her, but he also could easily spot things we tried to hide from him, and from the others. He figured out I’d murdered Loriel and was even happy with me when I did so. He never told his friends about that, and they never did figure out even after investigating, but our teacher figured it out in moments.
For my old colleague that I met on the ship again, maybe our teacher always knew that she wasn’t nearly as rotten as her cruel actions and exterior would indicate. Maybe he felt that he couldn’t truly break her, or maybe he felt that he could break her by forcing her to do what she did. Either way, I don’t regret how I handled that, and I wish her the best. I don’t think it would be well if I see her again, she wanted to be free just as I did, and I’ll let her.

“Don’t Qyl…don’t make this all buddy buddy… I’m leaving Korriban behind, that’s all. That includes you too.”

I think I can leave it behind too, now.

I behaved how a Jedi should, not how I used to be. I don’t regret it.

So there it is. One chapter of my life is closed, and I feel good about it that I can finally put that matter to a close. There is something I ought to follow up on, so another begins. I’ll be ready for it.

[The1Kobra]

Maybe I spoke too soon the last time…, or maybe she had the right idea.

Because I did once again tap into my inner darkness. I know that technique well, it’s surprisingly effective as a counter for other dark side techniques, undermining what gives them a connection to such power. I haven’t done so in a while. The scary thing is I don’t feel odd after doing it. I know I take precautions when doing such things, I shield myself very carefully to make sure I’m in control and not being controlled. It does go against what I’ve been learning, but I still have that instinct. That’s not leaving it behind, though, even if I’m trying to.

Maybe instead of leaving it behind, I’m charging ahead and confronting it.
Maybe there’s nothing wrong with either choice, as long as it’s our own choice.

I’ve seen someone like her before. Mad as can be, tapped so deep into the dark side that they’ve surrendered their own mind. The one I knew was very far gone, and I could see how they kept delving deeper. In a way, slowly eroding their personality until they became more like a rabid beast that could only lash out with power that wasn’t even theirs anymore. It was one reason I became so cautious when dealing with such powers. I never wanted to surrender my mind and actions to something else other than my own will.

Mad as she became though, there was something that she said that struck me, more than I showed at the time.

“Those who seek power to save their friends aren’t any different”,… when we were talking about why we sought power, and how it didn’t set one free. There was truth in what she said. I wonder if she saw something in me that I didn’t see myself. I know I’ve been told one of the easiest ways to fall is to carelessly rush to help others. Giving up one’s mind and sanity to do that is ill-advised, yet I can see how it could happen.

I just hope the precautions I make when doing such things are enough. It was worse this time. Some dark powers are more corruptive than others. Means I’d better check and double check, at the very least.

I shouldn’t be so concerned about this though, others had it worse…
Or maybe that is a reason I should be concerned?

[The1Kobra]

Doubts and Perspective.

I’ve often wondered why those who come into the Jedi would leave them, especially for the other side. I know what the Sith are like, better than most. It doesn’t take force sensitivity to be a terrible person, and I’ve known plenty of awful people in the galaxy. I’ll doubtlessly face many more. I know the Jedi ideal is to give everyone a chance and to help them be better. It might work for some, but I know some people are simply rotten to the core and no amount of help will ever change them. That’s the case with some, but not all. That isn’t what my thoughts muse on lately, though.

I don’t know if that investigator who was interrogating me knew or cared about what he said, but I felt a very instinctive fear when he mentioned Harsh and Unpleasant consequences being applied to me. Did he know I would instinctively interpret that as something like having my fingers or hands cut off? Torture? Worse? I’ve been through that, that’s the kind of disapproval I knew to expect before. I am hoping that such wouldn’t be the case now. Putting it in perspective, I doubt it would be.

I get it though, if I were them, I wouldn’t have trusted myself with anything, especially if they knew the details of my past, which they did. That they gave me a chance is a lot, despite misgivings. The investigator’s demeanor though, I spoke about that incident of my using darker powers twice. Once with Callista, once with Morgal. When I spoke with Callista about it, she was stern, but also under it was kind, compassionate, and understanding. She’s the type of person someone like me could grow under. The other was definitely stern but without any of the kindness. It felt like he was using fear to keep me in line. That doesn’t fit with what Beryn taught me.

Maybe that disdainful harshness and could drive people away. I don’t agree with some of the mandates I was given either. I can understand not trusting me to do things right, in fact, if he said such to my face, I would have understood it entirely. But it also seems like they don’t want me to help people outside the order. That’s not what I thought the Order was about, though. Maybe it is to some, perhaps the Jedi are more prone to factionalism than I thought.

Either way, whatever doubts I have must be kept in proper perspective. I know what I did was dangerous, and even if I knew and could handle the risks, many can’t. And many that think they can also can’t. If they don’t trust me because of that, I can entirely comprehend.

They might snub their noses at me or kick me out, or even behave too detached and arrogantly, but they haven’t shown me any genuine cruelty. Many, many others have. And they’ve also been kind and supported me on many occasions, I cannot forget that.

I’m not angry with Morgal, he was doing his job to the best of his ability and he had every reason to be suspicious of me. I know what it’s like in such an environment, where you have to question everything and everyone, and take nothing for granted, because of the dangers of being too trusting. I get it. But at the same time, not everyone will. Not everyone has my perspective of the other side, after all.

I just hope that such behavior isn’t too far of a norm. Obviously something’s wrong if so many Jedi left for the Sith. I have my ideas on why that is. Whatever faults the Jedi have though, I should refrain from false equivalences, and they’re much better than the other side.

[The1Kobra]

Broken.
Even my old associates couldn’t do to me what I just did to myself.

You shouldn’t be alive.

I’m told to trust in the force, but every time I try to reach out now…
It’s like a sinking feeling, I was supposed to have died there during that battle, and that the fact that I’m alive despite it is some kind of cosmic mistake. And every time I feel the force, I feel like my own existence now is a continuation of that mistake.

You shouldn’t be alive.

Messed up, badly. No ways around it. Might as well have stood up a cardboard cutout with a blaster for how well I handled things there. If anyone thinks I’m an enemy spy now, they have very good reasons for doing so. I wouldn’t be surprised if my current friends decided to send me where I came from. Possibly in a box.

You shouldn’t be alive.

I shouldn’t be. I’m only alive because of a Sith Lord’s mercy and that of his troops. And they have none. That or blind luck. But what happened stretches the boundaries of luck.
And on that thought, why /me/ instead of any of the others who were defending the base there? Why was I the only one to have survived the front there? Again? You should have died instead.
Could anyone have foreseen what would happen? I suppose we should have. The more I think about it, the more I wonder how they got an invading force there so quickly, with so much power, against so little resistance. It’s like they could have done it any time.
Doesn’t matter. I can’t pass the buck on this. I was a part of it, doesn’t matter if unwittingly, a Jedi is responsible for their actions.

You shouldn’t be alive.
Every time I try to calm myself, every time I try to feel and find answers, that’s all I feel. Like I wasn’t supposed to live through that battle, but for some reason I did. It’s taking me all of my effort and more just to shut that voice up. Trust in the force, now I’m supposed to trust in something that probably thinks it’s better for everyone else if I’m dead. It scares me that it may even be right.

You shouldn’t be alive., I hear it every time I listen to the force now.

The feeling, that sinking cold feeling is the worst thing, like I have a frozen, bladed shard inside me, cutting me up from the inside. It’s worse than the physical aches and pains I feel. No matter what, I can’t dislodge it.

And the scary thing is, I deserve it. And worse.
You shouldn’t be alive.
I shouldn’t be, but I am. So many unknowns. I’ll probably never find answers.
Never have, it would seem.

[The1Kobra]

Broken, Part 2

Callista asked me to meditate for four hours a day. I tried it for twenty five minutes before I couldn’t stand doing it anymore. Every time I try, it feels like I’m pushing in a bladed shard of ice into the core of my being. Reach out and clear my mind and it goes deeper and deeper to my core… it hurts… it hurts…
That’s not how it’s supposed to feel, why does it feel that way?..
It’s still there.

Sandra said I should have faith. Is that what people are supposed to have when they can’t make good decisions for themselves? To just blindly follow instructions and when everything goes wrong, it’s suddenly not their fault? I can’t believe in that, we have to be responsible for ourselves, and that includes in deciding who to follow, who to trust, who to help…
I’m used to only relying on myself, it definitely shows. I shouldn’t, there are people that care about me now. I never had that before, I don’t want to lose that…

The others think I’m still a good Jedi, that I always get back up strong, they believe in me. I don’t want to disappoint them…
But I don’t know if I can avoid it…

Every time I close my eyes, all I feel is that chilly emptiness.

I tried doing some resource gathering, I still felt nothing.
I tried doing some work to help the hunter’s guild, I still felt nothing.
I tried working at the workshop, still felt nothing.

… nothing.

I can still help them though. I don’t need a functioning connection to the force to do that. At least working on those blasters had some utility to it, so I’ll have that when it’s time.
It’s a start, at least.

[The1Kobra]

Broken, Part 3

Anger, emptiness, sorrow. These are all things I’m familiar with. Especially now. I thought I was doing okay for so long, and in just a week everything is crumbling apart, piece by piece.
The Force is supposed to want what is best for us. If that is the case, why couldn’t I do anything to help Rai? Why didn’t it try to save her the way I was saved, even though I didn’t deserve it!? Is this supposed to be a lesson on being detached? Is watching suffering and disasters constantly while I’m powerless to do anything about it supposed to help somehow? That every time I wanted to try to help it felt like it was stabbing me in the heart?!

I find myself seething at the concept of destiny. I’d like to believe it’s just nonsense and garbage, but I don’t believe that. It’s a heavier shackle and chain than any of the slave collars and bindings I’ve ever been in. To be fated for something terrible to pass and helpless to stop it. I find myself loathing that. Am I cursed to have to take this suffering all the time? Is everything I do fated to end in disaster, with the only way to stop it to just follow blindly and then watch it all happen anyway? Let someone else take the blame?

Pride doesn’t rule a Jedi’s actions. Yet it’s increasingly clear to me that I’m ultimately nothing. Shut up, get in line, or suffer, or worse, watch everyone around me suffer. A Jedi is supposed to be more than just someone who follows orders, though. But I’ve been told it’s my destiny, every bold move I make will always lead to self-destruction. So far it seems the harder I try to stop problems from happening, the harder they happen anyways.

I can’t just shift blame on destiny. If I’d been smarter, if I’d seen things more clearly, maybe none of this would have happened.
Maybe if I never cared at all, there would be less suffering. I’ve hurt more people by trying to care than by being a selfish thug. It’s a bitter, bitter irony that. I was warned about it too.

I was handed my punishment by the Order for my actions. It still leaves a bitter taste. They should have punished me more harshly. Given what I had done, they should have expelled me from the order and handed me to the Republic. Possibly for immediate execution. Them sparing me to service like they have, it feels similar to how those damned rogue agents got away with all they did and then got it all buried because they were useful for the cause. I thought I left that behind! Now I’m benefitting from more mercy than I deserve, and it hurts more than the harshest tortures I’ve been through.

Doesn’t matter though. I’m going to have this hanging over me for as long as I live. That I’ll never be able to fix the harm I helped contribute to. Haunted with an impossible task forever.
But maybe I deserve that suffering.

[The1Kobra]

Rise Jedi
Rise Jedi… awaken and find the justice in your heart to keep your promise to them, and to yourself. And to the living.
I feel it again.

I’ve only been on the Venture a few days and, I’m already feeling better. I can thank Dreamweaver Mori and her two day session with me for that. I’ll be on this ship for a long tour, I think, but maybe it’s what I need. As much as I’m itching to get back into the action, maybe… maybe some time away is what I need. I’ll have to go back to the front eventually. I can feel that now. But while I’m away, I’ll do what I can.

I remember it all so vividly. That exploration through the dream with her. I know I felt a disquiet in me, but I finally have answers, and a purpose.
That day, when the Sith Platoon came, when Morel and his guard came and I folded in battle so easily, so much can happen in such a short amount of time. Did I really help them? Or was it something the dreamweaver put on me? It felt so real, though…

I did get an answer to something that had been plaguing my mind. How I survived. When she pulled that dark orb out of me, it seems I had defaulted back to some of my old techniques to survive. Feeding on my own pain. Perhaps that’s why I felt so empty, I burned a lot of myself to survive mortal injuries. I don’t think there was one factor that led to my cutting myself off from the force like that. But at least I know what happened now. In a way, it helps me feel more complete, even if I do have to recognize that darkness in me.
I can’t bury it. I have to confront it eventually.

But then there’s what happened next. I still remember the soldiers passing by… I didn’t want to ask them for forgiveness. I didn’t deserve it… but…

…You almost died for us. Thanks…
You gave my cousin Mot enough time to get away. Thank you.
I saw you go down. I knew then, I had to give it my all. I didn’t stop shooting.
I remember you a few times in the base. Quiet fellow, but I always felt safer with you Jedi around. Thank you…
…I didnt get out of the base. I saw you fall on cams and I got the dock sequences going faster. A few dozen lives were saved because of that.
Thank you for your service. It’s what brothers of the Republic are suppose to say.
I was one of the ones that fell after you did. We shored up security so others could escape because you stood before them.
This isnt you. (Not the one that fell…) Give em hell for us, brother.
This guy here. (He was looking at the Sith Lord) You have to stand for us all. All we can do is give you our essence. Scorekeeper make you a mynock in your next life you little traitor. Looking up to and working for the damned sith lord. …it actually makes it more believable when I found out one of them was an enemy agent. Not sorry he died, at least. … but lets not ruin the moment.
I didnt know you or see you, but I just want to thank you. Just keep fighting for us.
…We fight with you. The Force fights with you. Kick his ass…

It never felt so clear to me. I was fighting that image of Morel in the dream. Well, myself and the version of me that fell and stood back up. I guess that’s my nature, what the others said, I always get back up. I felt it once again when fighting Morel, the image of a real lightsaber in my hand, it felt so right, like everything clicked. And when he went down, I was holding on, pretty beat up after that fight, but it felt right. Everything did at that moment.

If only it were real. I’ll just need to work to make that dream a reality.
Maybe I’ll find a way to better manage that darkness inside me too.
I’ll be on the Venture for a while. But I’m glad I’m starting to feel like myself again.
But as I’ve said, life moves on, and we have to keep moving forward.

[The1Kobra]

Destiny Sayeth So

Putting aside my doubts and keeping them buried has never been a strong suit of mine. I did in this case, even though I had a lot of them. I was quiet. I kept my trap shut.
And everything, in the end, worked out fine.

I knew something was off when he’d stopped fighting there, then behaved like he knew what was going to happen. I knew it was a prophecy, destiny again. I never liked the idea, never wanted to listen to it. But I’ve seen it for certain now. Destiny is immutable, and going against it will only cause more pain. Go with it and things will turn out as it will.

I should be happy everything went well. Callista was rescued without a problem. Everything turned out well. I should be glad at how things went. The others have no reason to complain. I shouldn’t either.

But I only feel more disquiet. A sinking realization that I had at the back of my mind, that I didn’t want to be true, now I know without a doubt is.
I’m shackled to destiny, a destiny that demands that I do naught but simply shut up, listen, and obey. I have one choice, to disobey. But if I do, if I try anything bold, if I try to help beyond what is tasked of me, then it will lead to suffering. That’s what the force wills of me, and there’s no escaping it.

I suppose that is a choice then. Wear the shackles of fate or watch everyone around me suffer.
…
I hate it. But I won’t make the choice to disobey. Enough have suffered because I tried to make decisions for myself.

They all think it was the will of the Force that let me survive when I shouldn’t have. I didn’t tell any of them the truth when I could have. That I turned to the dark side instinctively then, using a Sith technique and fed off of my own pain to keep me alive longer than I should have. If that was the Force’s will, then it contradicts what the Jedi think about the Force, that the Dark side itself is an imbalance that shouldn’t be. So it shouldn’t guide me to tap into it to survive. The only other explanation is that my survival went against the Force’s will.

I didn’t have the heart to tell them. Wasn’t the time. I don’t think it ever will be.

It’s fine. I can keep that to myself and put it aside, along with all of the other doubts my instincts gave me. I know what will happen if I don’t.

I’m heading back to the Praxeum. I can keep it up. I’ll be fine on the outside. I’m sure the masters will sense my inner disquiet, and that darkness that’s pitted inside me.
I’ll make due.

I’ll serve.