The sounds and sights were unmistakable even without the alert from the Republic as the bombing began. Litii could feel the pulse and shake of the bombardment whether she was near it or not. It was a familiar thing in the end. Far more familiar than she ever liked to remember. That’s why she’d run to Teh’Beli’s ship.
Litii shook her head and licked her lips as she glanced at the walls of the ship. They were protecting her at the moment, but the thud of distant Republic artillery seemed stronger this way. Even as the ship protected her, the hull caught the vibrations and brought them to her too. It made her whole being ache and groan under the pressures in the Mirialan’s mind.
There was only one place she could end up if she wasn’t careful. That crystallized moment that her soul could never escape as she stared helplessly upward into the beginnings of a Mandalorian invasion. Blasts from ships and Basilisk war droids raining like fire from the sky and scorching the earth as the screams of the dead shook the souls of everyone in terror or exultation.
No, no, no. I can’t go back there. I can’t…not yet. I can’t.
She drew in a deep breath in the bedroom. The mixture of her and Teh’Beli’s favored scents calming Litii’s spirits just enough for the moment. This advantage was all the Mirialan needed in the end as she focused on the scents and the intertwined fates they were coming to represent and stepped inward.
“Here, granddaughter? You come to your soul and to Fate this unsettled?”
Litii opened her eyes within her sanctum to her grandmother sitting across from her and fell backwards at the older Mirialan’s closeness. The reaction earned a chuckle as her grandmother reached over to help Litii back upright to see the storms roiling out in the desert. It was enough to make Litii’s stomach turn. Working with Teh’Beli and Nulaa had been making a lot of progress in settling things, but now it was as if it was all undone. A confusion of storms raced out in the desert and Litii knew the source.
“…where else would I go, grandmother? Where else? I could go fight. Claim a uniform and lead the troopers until my spirit snaps under the thunder. Or should I go find the Jedi and be helpless in their fight against the arrogance of others? Maybe go fall in with the civilians and hide in a building terrified? Please, tell me where I should be.”
The irritation in Litii’s voice was palpable.
“Peace, granddaughter, peace. It was simply a reminder. Remember that to truly see means accepting what is even when it hurts.”
“I don’t want to see, hear, touch, taste, smell, sense, or otherwise know what’s happening though! That was me! They’re bombing the swamp and probably the installation in it because of me!”
“Isn’t that what you wanted?”
“I-”
Did I?
It wasn’t the question Litii had expected. Most of the time when she was set to yell at herself it wasn’t a matter of what she’d wanted. Instead it was about what she’d done and how she’d failed. Even now she could hear whispers asking why she’d done it again and how many would die because of her actions. It had needed to be done though, hadn’t it? The captain had asked for her honest assessment and how best to use his new troops.
Ill-tempered wildlife, entrenched criminal factions, mutant monster factories, and goodness knows what else were all over Viscara. It wasn’t a world for training utterly new troops. So now there was a fortified outpost. The monstrosities created by Lanari could wipe out squad after squad without even noticing. So Litii had suggested orbital bombarment. It was exactly what she’d said to do.
“Tsk tsk tsk, not what you said to do. I asked if this is what you wanted.”
“What? How d-right, you’re me. Nevermind.”
“Am I? Or are you me? At least a little part of you is, don’t you think?”
“I’m trying to-”
“Think? I thought you were escaping that.”
A guttural growl escaped Litii’s throat as she glanced at her grandmother. The questions weren’t helping her mood as she tried to pick her way through her own mind and find her answers. Litii took a deep breath and focused on centering herself again and reached for the first question again and opened herself to herself.
Did I want this?
Desert winds blew from the curtain behind Litii and swirled around her as she went through her emotions at a rapid pace. Regret and terror roared in Litii’s ear with the voices of the dead from before. She knew where that came from and waved the emotions away. Confusion and the urge to report. She was just a contractor and there was no one to report to. Those were also released. She kept at this until she reached this quiet streak of vicious triumph…and knew her answer.
“Part of me wanted it.”
“To sow destruction? To destroy a threat?”
“…no. To wipe that smug smile off Lanari’s face. To show her she and her minions couldn’t just take a planet without a fight. To…to show however weak I am now that I can still change something. To-”
“-make her suffer.”
Litii hung her head and nodded.
“Why?”
“She’s hurt people around me.”
“An excuse. Try again.”
“She’s hurt my friends.”
“Again.”
“…because…because she’s as bad as the Mandolorians! She’s turned herself into some twisted thing that tells Fate what to do and is determined to decide what fates find others. She doesn’t have the right to do that to…to…me.”
“The truth is always hard, granddaughter, and almost always ugly. You do well to admit this to yourself. Now then, what does this feeling tell you?”
Litii glanced up at her grandmother and was greeted with a simple, soft smile as the older woman fussed with her robes some while waiting for an answer. It was a familiar gesture that brought a slight smile to Litii’s face. She hadn’t seen it in years, but it was simply one of those small, unnoticed habits that she’d taken for granted before. Gnawing her lip briefly, Litii sucked in a bit of air before answering.
“If I were a Jedi, it would tell me to be wary and to be afraid of that part of myself. If I were Sith, I would be told to cultivate that rage and pain. I am one of our people though. Emotions guide our thoughts. Thoughts guide our actions. Actions build our fate.”
“And…?”
“And…it tells me I am not beyond being a person. I hurt and would make her hurt for it. A reflex rather than a thought. It tells me that I must remember myself and others or I will lose my way. That…how I shape Fate through my actions binds me in good ways and bad ways to others. It is my responsibility to accept this and to know when to step away.”
“Why?”
“If I am too prideful in my pain or too fearful in it, I will try to twist Fate to my ends. If I do not accept I will hurt as part of life, then I will presume to punish Fate. If I live only for myself, then I have lost an understanding of Fate.”
“There’s my granddaughter. Not blind after all, my sweet child. Rest with us for a little while and know distance is an illusion.”
Leaning closer, the older Mirialan gently touched Litii’s cheek and smiled at her. Litii returned the smile in spite of herself and let her eyes close as some of the closer storms settled revealing a towering sandstone pillar carved with Mirialan symbols. Litii felt it more than she saw it as she kept her eyes closed as her grandfather blew into existence from the sands as well as a middle-aged Mirialan couple. All of them placed gentle hands on Litii as she focused on the sense of being touched.
Outside of Litii’s mind, the bombs continued to fall on Viscara.