Republic Or Bust - Damien Kalan

Name: Damien Kalan
Age: 19
Gender: Male
Time in Service: 1 Year
Transfer request: Approved
Location of Transfer: Viscara

Recruit Kalan has requested transfer to the base on Viscara. Apparently the recruit has standing family on planet and is requesting transfer to be closer to them from Coruscant. The recruit has finished basic training and is fit for active duty. He has been made perfectly clear that he may be required to prove himself fit for active duty at the discretion of the Commanding officer on base.

Signed: Captain Gamelrez, Coruscant Republic Recruitment Office.

Growing up in a life of poverty does not create a strong familial bond. Damien had long known of his older brother Zain but he was considered the black sheep of the family, outcasted and forgotten after his criminal run ins with the gangs. Zain had escaped, left his little brother behind as he went off to explore the galaxy. Had forgotten all about them and his younger brothers fight to survive the same cruelty and hardships he had.

Damien though had no intention of becoming a courier, like his brother he rebelled against his parents trying to dominate his life. He hated his family and life and often took to criminal activities to survive, until he was caught that is.

The day he turned eighteen, he was in the employment office signing up though why was kept hidden. He had to devote a full year to service to prove he had what it took to become an officer as well as finish basic training. Having made good friends with a few of the higher officials he soon showed some promise among their ranks. His parents hated it, but daring to insult the Republic of Coruscant was never viewed as a good thing so they took to ignoring him, making him fend for himself.

On the turn of his nineteenth birthday he looked to his superiors proudly as they announced the completion of his basic training. He had passed all their test. He would be reviewed in the following days to be promoted to Private officially. Heading home exhausted he found a letter waiting for his family who were not yet home. Opening it, he found a letter from Zain. His brother was alive and well, living on Viscara. He wanted to make contact with his family. Knowing his parents well enough he forged out a copy and left it for them, pocketing the real letter and headed back to the Republic base.

Once inside he went to speak to one of his friends among the ranking members. Requesting a transfer to Viscara. The officer looked at the youth like he had three heads and asked him if he was out of his bloody mind wanting to go to that wasteland of a place. Yet when the youth showed him the letter and explained about his brother, the man simply offered an nod and a smile, warning him that the promotion would be postponed and had to be granted to him on Viscara.

He accepted the trade off and went home one last time to gather his things. He found his parents reading the letter and as they briefly addressed it, he informed them he was headed out to meet his brother. The Republic was transferring him immediately. They tried to refuse his right to go, to make him stay and serve the family proper, promising to disown him if he did, but all he could say, was the Republic was expecting him. He turned and headed out, not looking back as he reported into the shuttle bay and boarded. Only on route did he hear about the attack on Foerost. His features darkening as word of traitors and deserters was whispered among the crew. He had to find his brother. He had to report in. He would not allow these traitors and foul people destroy the peace they cherished.

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Republic Journal Log 1

Been on this planet for about four days, amazingly found Zain after only two hours of searching. Admittedly the first thing I did was punch him in the mouth for ditching me, but since then we have basically been getting along. Its been tense though for a while, its still hard to forgive him for everything hes done to me. Still he took me in, got me some actual gear. Has been trying to help me. Yet I cannot deny the anger is still there. As well as the hunger that seems to truly upset him.

I have seen this planet is overflowing with the bloody Jedi. Everywhere I turn I see one of their cult members running around and honestly its a bit alarming how many of them there actually are. I like a few of them, like Tara for instance. Shes bold, yet shes not afraid to admit the Jedi were wrong, even apologized for it. Hohenfel seemed truly apologetic for how little the Jedi did in the Mandolorian wars. Sandra though…she goes from day to night. One moment she seems very kind, caring and considerate, then shes cutting down my brother verbally, having little tizzy fits and stomping off like the noble she is that gets told she can’t have a new dress. Its very conflicting and because of her association with Jace, I have to watch my words, hes my superior and I dont feel like a beating because I offend him as its his ex girl and hes my superior.

I have left word for the Republic to get back to me, haven’t gotten back to me yet other then to remain on standby, they sounded almost offended that I even asked for an appointment even though I was supposed to report in to them on arrival? Things are hectic with that bastard traitors actions, seems like the Republic is in as much of a tizzy over it all. Can’t say as I blame them what with the deserters, deaths and all. So much to go over.

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Republic Journal Log 2

Zain is still a lot like he used to be back home, always making me the last priority while anyone else can have him immediately, then gets upset when I get mad regardless of the promises to me. I am sorry that I believe there is a point that family has to come first. Though apparently he disagrees. What started as agreeing to do a simple modding for a Mandalorian suddenly turned into, hey lets go mining in the crystal caves for him for red crystals, forget that I literally JUST promised to help you clear the Mandalorians.

He got mad that I stormed out. Then had the gall to look hurt when hours later, he finally decided that after three days and almost eight hours today, I had spoken to my superior Jace for help. I am tired of only being at his convenience. He could have told the Mando he would get back to him after helping me with my job. I would have gone with him then, but no. As usual I was second rate and thrown aside.

He keeps apologizing for being a poor brother, yet keeps doing everything to make me inferior. I should have remembered my lessons from back home when I had jobs after he originally started the Spice, didn’t matter if I got a beating for the jobs being late, when it came to the Vipers or anyone wanting him, I was second. Even if it meant the job being late by days. I learned to stop depending on him then too, even if it meant I got hurt doing the job alone. Tara had it right you know, Zain has a good heart, he just often forgets about whats important. Including me. Though it won’t be the first time he forgot about me would it?

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Republic Journal Log 3

Mandalorians, I never thought I would actually like one since the War that took my uncle Ernie, yet Mart seems rather nice. I actually like him and find myself easily able to talk with him. Hes offered to help me work through some of my issues with Zain which is a pretty big undertaking. I think yesterday he learned how big, I know I broke his nose, black eye, good sized cut on his cheek. I feel bad I hurt him like that.

I do have an issue with my temper, but there is a lot of anger and resentment with Zain and with valid reasons. Even he seemed taken back with some of the things I told him. I do admire his willingness to help though. He seems a pretty decent sort. My training is advancing and so are my skills. Its been a slow climb but it is progressing.

Jacen is a good CO, but very demanding and I have to keep reminding him that I am not on his level of training and to slow down which seems to get him angry pretty fast. He wants to move to Mon Cala and I am trying to get him to realize I am not ready for that yet. Knowing your limits is healthy, getting people to respect them is hard. Hopefully he comes to understand that I am not on his level yet and will slow down a bit more, though crushing the Vellens was fun I admit.

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Been meaning to do this, but approved. Will handle xp boost shortly.

Republic Journal Log 4

Trust, this is something I have been burned on time and again, namely by Zain. I am stupid to keep trying. As always I am the first one tossed aside in value for anyone else. This time for some dame he got broken hearted about and tried to off himself. No care what it would do to me, no concern about how it effected me when he told me.

He literally told Mart to take and hand me over to the Jedi, he didn’t even care about me one bit. Mart had to step up and try to help me out cause Zain couldn’t be bothered with me. Mart promises to never leave me as Zain has promised so many times, the sad part is that I want to believe it, but I can’t, not right now. Getting burned by Zain again, its hard to trust again. Though I think Mart gets that. Perhaps better then anyone he gets it.

Mart promised he wasn’t gonna abandon me. That I wasn’t a bad brother either. That part I’m not sure of as there must be something wrong with me for Zain to keep throwing me away, otherwise he would value me as close as he does this dame, Ray, and even Nate, they are all valued over me. It’s the Vipers all over again. Just they aren’t criminals.

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Its been about four months since Zain abandoned me again for his dame, but this time he left the planet and I haven’t heard from him since. In my state, I left Viscara and went back to Coruscant and tried to reconnect with my parents. They acted like I didn’t even exist. Guess they really did disown me when I went looking for Zain. The only remorse I had in leaving the planet was Mart, whom I called soon after landing. I had really upset and hurt him when I vanished. I truly feel bad for that.

Life on Coruscant was not good, I couldn’t get and maintain a stable place and they always had to be shared, usually with druggies, drunks or thieves. When all hell broke loose on Coruscant with the war touching down there, I soon fled to Corellia to take up a job offer there.

Mart soon came to visit me there which I truly enjoyed, but before he left he told me that he wanted to adopt me, that I needed family and he was right, I did and do. I accepted and he became my dad. The stability of family that actually wanted me, was a major improvement in itself. Though I was diagnosed with a rage disorder that needs to be constantly worked on, and severe claustrophobia from prior issues.

I remained there and even got in a relationship with a young girl named Aria for a while, but I missed Mart, and Aria soon left for a guy that could give her more then I could with my trust issues. When that happened I spoke to Dr Malcom and Maria and told them I wanted to go back to Viscara, back to be with the only family I have left. Both agreed and the next day, I made for home, and it truly feels good to be back where I belong.

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Whats wrong with me?

I used to like Sandra, I mean sure…I defended my brother, I mean sure I generally hate Jedi, but I actually liked her. Today she went off spouting that I am some dark force user, that she “deals” with them. I don’t get it…I dont try do bad things, I try to do good. Of course rather then try and help…or even try and explain things…she decided to taunt and push me…I don’t like when I get angry…it scares me with how dark I feel…and how hard it is to settle.

Getting beaten again wasn’t something I planned on when I got here, and I don’t know still how to process Mart standing there and watching, doing nothing even after telling them they couldn’t touch me. I’m not mad, but it definitely hurt, a lot, then when I asked him if he had to defend me against Sandra…would he? He evaded, tried to avoid answering then gave a half answer…I am not dumb. Its fine, Zain ditched me for a woman, my parents never wanted me at all, why should I expect different?

I need to talk to Althea…shes the only one I expect to help with this so called…dark side power…I don’t even know if its true or just something Sandra said to try and work me up. I don’t like that feeling. I hate it. I never wanna feel it again…but I fear I will…and rather then throw me under the speeder like Sandra she will actually make an effort to help.

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So it is confirmed, I am tainted by the dark side. Althea has agreed to guide me in how to do better. I promised her I would do anything required to get control of whatever this is. I have to learn to control it rather then being controlled by it. I had to show her the darkness, she told me I didn’t have to, but to get a better understanding of what Sandra sensed, she needed to see it for herself. So I allowed myself to think of Zain, of my parents, my hate and rage for them…and she found it, sometime later…I am not sure how long…her staff pounding broke my focus as she called for me to concentrate and I did…the anger slowly melting away again.

She said first lesson was to find a safe place in my mind, somewhere I could retreat too when the anger starts to rise. She smiled when I told her about the first one I could think of. My home on Corellia when dad was there. It was safe, warm and peaceful, we were happy there. That is now my safe place.

I got into an actual fight with Lluc. I made him challenge me properly if he was going to. He did and we moved off Kho’s land and duked it out. He won but he actually complimented me for being not half bad and being willing to fight him. I feel a lot of self doubt in him, a lot of hesitation. He doesn’t know who he is, even if he thinks he does. I wonder if he can still be reached.

I made friends with Kho, he liked my first gift. Reassembly fuel. From there I started working for him to supply his needs and he would help me with gear, a fair trade I think. He made me some great gear and has been extremely generous in what he gives me. I will be glad to return the favor for him.

Do I miss my brother? Yeah sometimes. I haven’t forgiven him though, not for abandoning me yet again. I don’t know that I ever will either.

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Today has been…interesting for lack of better words…sad though and I need to learn better control. I hurt someone and its not fair to them, they got hurt for trying to help me. I should start from the beginning though.

Contacted Althea and asked about a lesson, she said sure but wanted to bring Ashi along. I have met Ashi a few times and with Althea being there I agreed that it would be fine. We mostly walked and talked as things moved along, what the force was, what it did and didn’t effect, why I struggled so much with the light side of the force. It was an interesting conversation to say the least.

Althea needed to go rest and since we were still in the typical rain, I asked Ashi if she wanted to get out of the rain…maybe over tea and teach her a bit about why I struggle so much with the dark side. She agreed and we wound up back at her place. We had tea, talked about various things, and then she brought up meditating, something I had never done before. She wanted me to meditate with her.

I agreed with some hesitation and moved to the room with her, following how she advised me to sit. I don’t know what exactly happened…only a pain in my gut and her telling me I had been choking her. It was very bad. My heart sank hearing I had attacked her for trying to help me. She doesn’t blame me, but I blame myself. We spent a while talking after before she decided she needed to lay down…and invited me to come cuddle with her…nothing beyond that of course…just someone to be with and sleep near…I think I am gonna accept…maybe it will keep the nightmares away? I hope so…

Damien woke from his bed screaming, soaked in sweat and breathing heavily, the nightmares were getting worse. His body ached from the tension of the nightmare, his back feeling almost on fire where Altheas sabre had done the most damage. The wound was well tended and would heal, leaving a scar to tell a story with, though it was still on the mend. Dad hadn’t come, meaning he was out again. Probably for the best then hearing him scream like that which would likely scare the hell out of him.

How do I tell anyone about these nightmares? How they keep getting progressively worse? About the lies in my head, the dark thoughts that come more and more often? I feel the temptations, the hunger, the power it offers…but at what cost? Am I just fooling myself that I can beat this darkness? Should I let Sandra just kill me before I can hurt my father? The one person I truly care for? I already hurt Ashi and she did nothing to deserve it…I can still barely face her and accept it, even though they dismiss it and say I did nothing wrong. How could I live with myself if I ever hurt my dad?

I feel as if I am waging war within myself. I feel as if I am losing the ground I am making. I have to keep fighting though. I can’t fail dad no matter what. He needs me as much as I do him.

Last night was a decent night for the most part…other then being forgotten by dad for four hours after he said he was making a brief call and then didn’t come back, I spent three and a half hours waiting in the house before I finally said to hell with it and left to Hutlar for training where he finally caught up with me. He really was sorry though, so I am not angry. He promised it wouldn’t happen again.

I saw Althea yesterday and told her what happened with Ristin. She said I had made real progress in walking out rather then following my initial reaction which would have been to punch him in his arrogant mouth. I didn’t though, I did snap verbally at him, but I walked…well…stormed out…went back home. She said that I was making progress in learning to control my anger in recognizing I was angry and leaving rather then allowing myself to become lost in the anger and rage and responding to it.

So far I have completed the verbal lessons of the Mandalorians, now it is all skill training and improving my combat efficiency against my opponents. I enjoy these training sessions, and getting out with him. Today we start on Tattooine, a new challenge to see where my skills are and how far I have come. Seems like only yesterday I was starting on Mon Cala and struggling, now I am on one of the most dangerous worlds currently available for training. Maybe I am can impress him with how far I have come in this?

Mando