River Althea: Internal Struggles

[FrithRa]

River climbed up the entry ramp into her ship as she breathed a sigh of relief. Her ship more than anywhere else lately had become her own personal sanctuary. Best part was it was completely mobile too enabling it to be anywhere she wanted. Definitely worth the credits she paid back to Mart for it. Raising the ramp back up behind her and locking it went over to the nearby table and plopped down in one of the chairs. The half-full bottle of Corellian Whiskey in her hand was placed on the surface of the table as she looked at it.

To think there would be an occasion where Jedi would actually go out drinking. She began to think to herself. Almost wish I hadn’t needed to excuse myself so early.

It was a good idea that she had though. With how much they were pushing her to drink she would’ve revealed a part of herself that would have easily gotten her into trouble. Especially with a trifecta of cute blonde girls there. Her mind drifted back to the gathering of her fellow Jedi at Racin’ Jims that night. Cordellia had shown up in this stunning skirt and top combo. Which she suspected is what prompted Tara to leave and come back changed into her own knockout outfit. Callista might not have been wearing anything special, but then again she really didn’t need to. She had this natural charm to her already that most people seemed to admire. Myself included I suppose.

Though it may not have been exactly intentional that whole situation highlighted a pretty clear moment for weakness for River. She may be an Initiate of the Jedi Order now but she was still very much herself. Which meant had she not controlled herself she’d have started boldly flirting with at least one of them. Considering there were others present like Corbin, Silvia, and Knight Althea she was nowhere near prepared to reveal how she could get when fully relaxed. This needed to stay more along the lines of a business relationship with the other Jedi. It was the only way she would abide by their rules enough to prove she could handle it.

Still though… She began to muse. If I wasn’t part of the Order this would likely be a whole other story.

Cordellia definitely pulled off the gorgeous country girl thing. She also knew Tara had the capacity to be pretty adorable but now she was becoming more aware of how good she could look when given the opportunity to dress herself up. Then of course Callista…

She shook her head as though a warning siren had just gone off. No don’t even consider that. She’s well out of your league. She had been with Sandra, remember? That’s a line you don’t want to cross.

Still didn’t mean she hadn’t been tempted. River definitely could see the appeal and didn’t blame Sandra one bit for falling for Callista. Warm, caring, honest. The kind of person you could feel comfortable with easily. Force help her if someone else like that walked into her life. She wasn’t sure if she’d be able to resist the temptation to pursue them.

Ever the hopeless romantic, huh? She heard a part of own mind say. This Jedi path you’re on… it’s going to take sacrifice. You might be able to fool around from time to time outside of the Order. But any kind of serious relationship is pretty much off the table now.

She sighs once again looking up at the ceiling. You chose this, River. Learn to live with it.

Her head tilts to the side as she looks once more to the whiskey bottle. The feelings of loneliness were creeping in again and right now that looked like a good way to distract herself from it. Reaching over to grab the bottle she pops the cap off of it.

“Fuck it.” She says before taking a big swig of the contents. She might regret it later but for now it was something she was able to indulge in for the moment. That would have to be good enough.

[FrithRa]

The Astral Phoenix
In orbit around Viscara

River was seated within the pilot’s chair of her ship as she stared out into the vastness of space. Her hand had been rested near the hyperdrive controls but she couldn’t for the life of her decide where she was going to go. All she really knew at the moment was that she didn’t want to be anywhere on or around Viscara at the moment. The so-called nexus planet of the Force was becoming too chaotic for her to handle. The new arrivals coupled with the constant stress and dangers meant that the planet would soon boil over with inevitable conflicts. It was hard to find any peace around there. Plus if the recent attacks on the Jedi over the holonet were any indication there were enough people there now that had such a poor view of the Jedi that she’d need to watch her back more than ever if she were to walk around with her robes on.

She sighed in frustration. Under normal circumstances the safest place to retreat to had been Mon Calamari. Retreating into Republic space and their hidden Jedi refuge was the go-to. But it just so happened that at this very moment Sandra was heading there too in response to a call from Callista. Which meant a personal and private conversation she had no business in. If she were to go there now, they might suspect her of following and trying to eavesdrop. But where else could she go? Tatooine was neutral space. But she didn’t want to go there either. Aside from the heat the thought of going back there brought up memories of one of her first missions as part of the Order where she aided in Callista’s rescue. She still did not like to think about that day and the state it had left Callista in.

You saw her at such a broken and vulnerable low point. She thought to herself. And yet you still can’t help but worry about her.

But why did she worry this much? What was it that made her feel this way when there were plenty of others who had known Callista longer and could do a far better job?

She reached out to Sandra, not to you. They’ve known each other longer and there’s trust there. Even if they broke things off after they were found out. So why the hell are you getting so worked up over this?

That was the question. There wasn’t any real logical reason behind it. But there was definitely an emotional one. She was fond of Callista. To a point where she wanted to be closer to her. Just how close though?

She’s the teacher, you’re the student. That’s it. That’s all it can ever be. Stop letting yourself even consider otherwise. She’ll always keep you at that distance as long as your an Initiate. You are not her equal. You’re not even her friend. SO STOP BEING A DAMN IDIOT ABOUT THIS!

Her fist slammed into the console accidentally misfiring one of the thrusters and causing the ship to rock violently for a few seconds before she quickly turned it back off and stabilized the controls. That had been a dumb reaction. She was letting her anger at herself get the best of her just then. Taking a deep breath she took a second to think back on the code.

There is no emotion, there is peace…

Times like this she wished she really could rid herself of all emotion just by flipping a switch. She didn’t want to keep struggling with these emotions. Yet she couldn’t help herself. Situations like this would just cause them to flare back up again and push at her resolve.

Acknowledge, but set aside. You care for her and that’s normal. But you can’t act on it. You need to let this go somehow. You’ll only make it worse if she catches on.

She looks into her own reflection in the glass of the view port and forces her face into a neutral expression, devoid of any emotional signs. Just as Sandra had taught her when she asked about concealing her emotions. Closing her eyes she leans back in the chair and focuses her mind to empty it of all thoughts.

I’ll just drift here for awhile and go back I suppose.

She would just sit here with nothing but the vastness of space, the soft hums and whirs of her ship, and the Force to keep her company. This was all she could do right now. It would have to be enough.

[FrithRa]

“Damn it!” River said in frustration as she stormed into her personal quarters aboard the Astral Phoenix and tossed her pack aside. Today had been such a mess. She had allowed her personal feelings influence her judgement again and this time it may have finally been the cause of something she wouldn’t be able to correct. Just when she thought she was starting to get a handle on things.

She had once again been quick to judge the words of others against Corbin and as a result actively tried to avoid him. But he noticed and called to confront her about it. Instead of meeting with him as he requested she ended up going to Callista about it along with Tara. Though she had intended for it be a conversation that Callista would help to mediate, things ended up boiling over near the Temple as Corbin’s clear discomfort at River being there meant they’d have to have the conversation right there and then.

Then Master Vrake got involved. He had sensed the tension and came to put a quick end to it all. While a part of her respected it another part of her wished he’d kept out of it entirely. Because now he was about to make life hell for all of them. Up to an including having them all shadowed so any personal issues, arguments, or trouble would be immediately redirected to him. He didn’t want any of the Jedi focused on anything except their training now.

But does he have to be so damned invasive about it?! Now I’m going to be watching my back everywhere I go twice as hard as before. He’ll be watching out for any mistake. Any hint of someone doing something they aren’t supposed to. All because I brought all this on by giving Corbin the cold shoulder.

She couldn’t help but seethe for a moment. Her emotions continued to be as unstable as ever and now if Vrake were to catch her slipping up again she’d likely be drummed out of the order before she even had a chance to make Padawan.

Then everything I had hoped to achieve. All the time I’ve spent here so far. All of it would be for nothing.

It didn’t matter anymore what Corbin did or didn’t do. Vrake called him a promising student. Which meant he was protected. Which meant she was automatically in the wrong for being angry at him, for being mistrustful. Because he was a Jedi. That was all that mattered.

Sounds familiar doesn’t it? You sure the Jedi aren’t as corrupt as the Republic after all?

No. Not all the Jedi. Maybe Vrake was a hardass and set in his ways. But that didn’t mean he was infallible. Like it or not though he had authority and there wasn’t a thing she could do about it. All she could do now was abide by his rules and make sure she didn’t become targetted as a problem for the Order. Her goal was still clear. She needed to get through her training. She needed to become a Knight. Only then would she prove herself worthy enough to have a voice in the Order. If she wanted things to change she would have to act as part of that change and set the example.

She took a deep breath as she turned and walked towards the standing mirror in her room. Staring at her reflection she forced her face into a neutral expression, devoid of emotional signs.

He wants model Jedi? Then I’ll give him a model Jedi. I’m done letting my emotions continue to set me up for failure like this. It ends today.

Her feelings towards Callista? She would cast them aside.
Her wish to look out for Tara as a supportive friend? She would cast that aside.
No emotion. Only peace.
The needs of the Order come before the needs of the few.
She would do what needed to be done.
Her bonds would not extend beyond a professional relationship with her fellow Jedi.
She would not allow emotion to impact her judgement again.

The Force will guide my actions. It will cloak me from emotion. I will heed only the will of the Force and the words of my teachers. Nothing else matters anymore.

She focused her mind and her spirit into a neutral, unfeeling state. She emptied herself completely.

Gone was the Blue Phoenix, the rebellious streetpunk from Coruscant.
Gone was the hopeful young woman who dreamed of setting right the wrongs of the galaxy.
Gone was the passionate person who wanted nothing more to than to look out for the people she cared about.

She would only be the neutral, model Jedi.

And it damn well better be enough.

[FrithRa]

River sat in a meditative position in front of the small shrine behind the Jedi Temple. This precariously placed set of stones that bore the Jedi Code were nestled on a narrow cliff edge. At first she never particularly liked being this close to such a steep drop. Over time however she had become more used to it. As she sat there silently reflecting she looked down at the objects that had been placed down on a piece of cloth in front of her. They were a pair of new lightfoils that Corbin had provided her with. Yet these weren’t like any training foils she had been provided with before. These were more powerful now intended to be ones her skill would grow further into and be more capable when used to defend herself and others. The design of the hilts had also been influenced by the infrastructure seen throughout Coruscant. From the metals used to the weaving designs that simulated the support structures of the steelworks. Each had even been engraved with a name, the Sapphire of Coruscant and the Lapis of Coruscant respectively.

The amount of effort he must’ve put into these. River mused to herself. Why now?

That was the question that tugged her mind. So many things had happened lately. The situation in the crystal cavern that resulted in the entity being destroyed. The Mandalorian woman who had almost been killed when Tara defended herself trying to subdue them. The resulting investigation that followed. Shade’s activities against the Jedi that resulted in people being attacked. Even River found herself highly scrutinizing the Order’s actions lately as she was noticing some people acting out in ways that weren’t helping anything right now. It was a challenging time for them all.

Yet on the other side of that coin she was also seeing more actions that did need to be done. The formation of the new Initiate clans. Padawans now becoming more directly involved in overseeing their training. A new Knight that was helping to put out fires and keep the peace. These were positive steps. In some ways now it felt like they were beginning to move in the right direction. But they still had a lot of issues they needed to address. Public perception was pretty much at an all-time low. They needed to be out there actively doing more. And in a way it seemed she was getting one aspect of that wish.

Her clan had been tasked to train together on Hutlar now. Clan Phoenix.

I still can’t believe they so readily agreed to that name. River thought as her face curled up with an amused smirk. It’s almost like I just restarted the Astral Phoenixes but in Jedi form. And now Corbin even placed me in charge to make sure the others make it through this trip intact.

She didn’t want to admit it, but he understood her better than she thought. “You can take the girl out of Coruscant, but you can’t take the Coruscant out of the girl.” He had said to her when she received the foils. No matter how much she had been changing as a result of her time and training with the Jedi there was a core part of her that remained. Her experiences, perceptions, and skills that she had brought with her weren’t going away. She was now just adding to that. Growing as a person but also as a different kind of Jedi. One that had a more unique perspective than those who had been a part of the Order for most of their lives.

I’m still the Blue Phoenix after all. Only now I’ve evolved. Emerged from the ashes of my past to the next stage my life. Stronger and better than I was before.

She looked up from the foils to the stones she was sat in front of. The physical embodiment of the Jedi Code that served as the reminder to it and the three pillars. Despite all the challenges she was still here. She was trusted and being shown that people believed in her. That she could become the capable Jedi they knew she could be without having to sacrifice who she is as an individual. She stared at the stones with a look of determination and resolve she hadn’t felt in awhile. Not since the first days when Callista had started her training.

I won’t let them down. This clan is my responsibility now. I will look out for them just as I did the original Phoenixes.

No longer did she question if anything was truly enough. It didn’t have to be. The Force had led her to this family. With all the triumphs and struggles that would entail. She was ready to truly be a part of that now.

[End of Arc]