Sandra sits in the bathtub in water lowly risen and holds her knees to her chest. Her eyes stare into oblivion and nothingness as her mind and emotions spin wildly out of control. Her living room is trashed as she had throw things around, slamming objects, throwing chests, destroying work benches and smashing mirrors. She rock in place and lets a whisper speak in the back of her mind…
When an operation fails, you are left with the cost of life and pieces to pick up. More so, failure means the spy failed and is usually the first to die from being caught. So we do not get caught.
Sandra whispers…
“Failure. I killed them. I was suppose to guide them properly and I failed. I could not even rescue them properly! What is the point of this training? The point of these THINGS? What is the point of learning for years and then when it mattered most…it is all lost. Artemis was right again…I am a disappointment. I am a waste only good for minor things. I should have died too.”
Some dry air is swallowed and she digs her nails into the sides of her knees with disdain
“They were left behind to die. Althea, Andro, and…Lucas. Althea had changed a lot and made decisions to return to the Jedi life. A Jedi’s life is sacrifice. But what was the cost of that sacrifice? She chose to protect people, in her own way sometimes. It was her inspiration for many of her actions. She was one of the few I could really discuss deeply of Jedi insights and future with.”
“Even Andro did his best to be the hero he tried to see in himself. It was wrong for him to be judged so harshly, perhaps. He always made these silly stuffed things for me and a painting I savored greatly.”
“Lucas…he told me he loved me and I just left him to die. We knew about operational risks very well and what the life of spies do to people. Yet, he would just take my insults, my pushing of him, my foolishness, and would just smile and say that he would be my friend, no matter what I expressed to him. No matter what I was feeling, because that is what friends do for each other. My feelings…regardless of what they were, I was cruel to him. I failed him.”
Sandra looks at her reflection in the water and screams as she punches the surface, her hand bloodied now. Her gaze looks to the red rolling down her hand and arm
“I ask myself, perhaps uncharacteristically, was it worth it? Was Ira worth Andro, Althea, and…and Lucas? I do not feel anything but disdain and contempt for everything now. Is this why Artemis tells me to let everything and everyone go? I thought I could get the group and we could at least escape together and find Ira another time, but…I failed. It weighs on me like a summer burn that finds no relief. Like the pins and needles of low circulation, but so painful. I do not deserve to live. I should die…”
She lowers her hand into the water and makes it red slowly
“Jaycen…at least I could bring him home. My student…My Padawan, after all my coaching and advice, when I needed to follow my advice the most, it failed. Why should anything I say be credible.”
"Zain, she chose Zain to save. I would like to know why, but I think I no longer care about much.
“Artemis…what use am I to her now? What sacrifice is worth making? Maybe I do not need a teacher anymore. Should I just retire? Maybe she could punish me for my failure. Everyone who has come to adore me…has died.”
Tears run down her face and legs shiver now. Her gaze stares deeply into the red water
“I have tried to repeat the code in my mind, and only find emptiness in my echoing thoughts. Everything is cold. Maybe that is okay…”
Cold…
So Cold…
Shivering…
Numbness…
Fine…
Let me freeze…in frozen Lonely Night.
Kitty Kallen: Long Lonely Night song
Slowly…the scene pulls away from her and ends up in her living room. The objects in the room shake slightly for a second and a piercing scream echos out…