Sandra goes to the small refreshing room in her ship and stares at the mirror for a moment. The perfect emerald eye’d woman looked back in return. The one Artemis had found deep inside herself, waiting to burst out and take what was hers. She could control it now. She was not afraid! Her 3 months mission made her see what she was really capable of when it was all down to her.
She makes her way in a blue towel outside of the refreshing room and sits on the couch of on her ship. With crossed legs, hands running up and down her thigh, and eyes looking up at nothing…she ponders and lets her feelings out a little
When you’re a spy, relationships are difficult to start and carryout, because any connections you have can easily be used against you or they can even betray you. It is even harder for a Jedi because love and such things bring up emotions that can destroy a person, or again, be used against you.
“He loved me. That is always how it goes, yes? Someone falls in love with you and make you feel like the most special person in their universe. It is…quite pleasant…”
“When I was with Jacen, I could not imagine the level of joy I would feel. But I left him to learn from the Order again. And then Mart offered his love so sincerely to me. I did not know how to react or really respond or feel. I am lying…I know how I felt. It was fear. It was distrust. I lived an odd life and his feelings were like a stranger to me, trying to invade my home. Yet…they felt nice.”
“Artemis opened my being and I felt truly perfect. Light and Shadow was mine for the taking and learning. I hunted, killed, freed people, saved lives and destroyed lives. It was…all too easy. I am a Monster. A Beautiful Monster. Yet, despite my monstrous life, Mart offered purity. It made me sick…angry…and happy. I opened my blackened heart to him and showed it to him. And the fool smiled…he smiled! Was he sane? Was he of sound mind? Perhaps I should have killed him and freed myself of the weight of the admiration he put on my dark heart.”
“Irony…Irony…Irony…”
Sandra runs a hand up her leg to squeeze the sides of her knee a moment.
The pressure in her legs feeling some release.
“So I let him in. From this, I let in the love of others. Althea, Seela, Aedan, Lucas, and smiles of those I had saved, my own reflection, and many more. It was such a burden, yet…it helped her in darker moments. I understood what Artemis meant when she explained that understanding would make the Force my own. Their friendships inspired me, yet frightened me in other ways. Was it okay to accept it? Was it okay to allow them into my heart?”
"A Jedi’s life is Sacrifice"
“I could not keep Mart to myself as I did want, but to tell him to go love another was perhaps for the best. I am a Shadow. I do not exist. In legal records, I am dead because of what Artemis did. One cannot love what does not exist…”
Sandra lays back on the couch and looks on the glistening on her thighs. A finger runs through her blazing red hair. The strands fall like a sunset falling behind a set of mountains. It took her a moment to realize her cheeks were wet. She touches her wet cheek with a hand and laughs…Laughs out loud at the foolishness she feels. A bright and long laughter that curled her and tickled her.
It was alright, was it? It had to be. She had to be the perfect weapon…
"That is just how it goes…"