Kitty Kallen: Little Things Mean A Lot
Sandra sits in her big chair at the house and stares at a ring given to her by Aedan. She thinks on Aedan’s found knowledge from Tara, Althea, and more where she sent him on. Sandra runs a hand along her thigh and sighs sadly. The odd ring is sat on the table and she looks to the ceiling now in deep thought. Her heart ringed out as she let him go as a student. There was nothing she could teach him now because it would be impossible.
Her hand runs through her long red hair and as her hair falls, so does her stomach. A twist in it that was there for some reason, but she tried to ignore it. Sandra removes her boots and rubs her legs lightly as the daze of Aedan’s words rang in her mind. The own words that she let out were a surprise to her also. A trained response perhaps, but…who knows now. He was no longer her student because he could not make the final sacrifice. So…it was over.
“Did I fail? Or was it success? He decided that he needed to keep the need to make a family, have his sort of pride, keep Passions. The force binds us together, he said, the force binds people together and is the will of the force, but then if two people are meant to be together, then why oppose it? He believed in it so passionately that I was almost convinced. But it does not matter…I am where I need to be. Is it where I am fated? Maybe. Will I die for it? Likely. It is what the force desires? I wish I knew…”
Sandra looks on her pale thighs and a drop of water falls on her skin.
“I am suppose to be trained to be the perfect weapon against evil. To crush the dark uses of the world and gather their artifacts, yet all I am fighting lately are my feelings! The intensity in my heart! The sickening feeling in my stomach! Nulaa has told me many words to fix my madness, and they are slowly taking effect, but I wonder the source. The deeper meaning to these feelings. The Eye of my storm. Maybe I will find them. Maybe not. The only thing that gives me relief is teaching and leading. Why?”
Sandra looks in her house. The only one there. Alone. Quiet. It was…nice. But she was without a real goal. And everyone she had felt out of reach. She often consoled about the jedi way not being for everyone and so many of her students left because they could not sacrifice, especially the older students. All the older ones left.
It was then she thought of Zain and Iradoki for some reason.
“She felt hurt by the lack of response from the masters. Maybe it was a failure on their part or maybe she failed as a Jedi? Her frustrations are not all unfounded. I do not think she will remain with the order because she needs connections, deep ones. It would not necessarily be romantic love, but still…it is just so. And Zain, he adores her. If they ran away together, I would not blame them. I do not know what will come, but I think I would understand any choice they made, despite what I think. She has to cease also just blaming others. I know a lot can be ideally pointed at lack of guidance, but self sufficiency is part of a Master’s teaching also. It does not matter anymore…”
"And more students and learners come to the planet now. I fear they will never receive proper training, despite their wants because we barely hold our own students lately. I do not know what to do or how to resolve these issues any more. And with some dark force users running around, they are vulnerable. It is even more so that the older ones want to have romance in their life because it feels good. It feels amazing! Wondrous! I remember my past relationship and it brings up feelings of pleasure physically and mentally. Who would want to give that all up? What average person would wish to surrender that selfish want to bring themselves and another extreme pleasure? If I were not to return to the Order before i broke up with him, I might not have returned, perhaps.
“Maybe we should cease to take older students. This is not working. Something between absolute freedom and then utter restrictions and surrender to the Force is not working for them. A cake to be had and eaten also…it sounds nice. It truly does, but sadly, we give this cake away so that we can bake for others instead, rarely to taste our own creations as we can only give. It might be a weak metaphor, but it is all I have right now.”
Sandra looks on the ring and leaves it on the table as she gets up to go lay down. Removing her skirt and jacket, then to comb her hair while looking in the mirror, and finally laying down. The dark room and bed does little to calm her thoughts.
"My name is Sandra Mana…and I am a Spy, Teacher, Problem Solver, and Jedi Knight. I will…w-will…bring my light, guised in shadow, to the u-universe. I will…I…I will…I…do not know.
May the Force…be with me, please.
Please…
This is just…how it goes…
Her eyes close and while the day was rough and emotional, all she could do was let this sleep devour her.