Sandra lays on the floor of her place as her body aches. She runs a hand through her hair as static is removed passively. Body full of aching, she kicks her boots off and stares at the ceiling.
“The New Master is surely powerful and he is certainly perky. I wonder if it is a facade to some degree. If it is not, he is very energetic and kind of playful. It is hard for me to keep up with his heavily social energy as my own social energy is very non existent. Though it was pleasant until Tara came. I am rather work oriented, but Tara was quite disheveled with the idea of being so calm and not taking immediate action. It was difficult to ignore the tension.”
Sandra rubs her arm and groans in aches.
“Aside from the calm time with the Master, it seems Althea and Tara are in conflict again. I know I cannot rely on this group to make any clear action. They are so divided that I cannot feel comfortable putting my lives in their hands. It reminds me on why I really liked working alone or with my former Master. Why can they only function with a Master around?”
Her eyes water as she flashes back. Her master’s voice plays in her head…
“Sandra! Why not go train with the group there by the fountain. Look how energetic they are, yes?”
“I do not wish to. I do not know them…”
“Then if you know them, you will enjoy them! Make friends and discover what it means to share yourself with others.”
“Sounds complicated and emotional…”
“One way to master your emotions is to feel them and understand it. Not trying is no excuse for failure or ignorance, do you understand?”
“…Yes. I will attempt, on occasion…”
“It is all one could ask. Remember, there is a difference between friends and allies. You will know when you are ready for friendship.”
“Yes, Master, but um…how do I know when I have accepted a person as a ‘friend’?”
“When you want to spend your whole day with them. That is how.”
“…I would like that, but ah…I will think on it.”
“You have a heart for logic, but let it go sometimes.”
“I will do my best…”
Sandra sobs gently as she thinks on her Master again, but then she thinks on another matter…the falling of Tara today and being assaulted.
“I have been thinking on Litii’s negativity towards the Jedi, and the ideals of several others on the Order. And then the Jedi in terms of what power is.”
“I had not felt such power from anyone other than those of dark sided nature. How they flaunt it so easily. I have been on the end of several dark sided assaults and I wonder if it is because the Jedi lack the ability to mostly rebel against such or because the dark side is really so powerful…? I do not understand, but it is discouraging to be the one facing uphill battles so frequently. Is this matter worth investigating…? Even now, Shade’s group is so organized and well managed. We cannot compete.”
Sandra closes her eyes and sighs heavily again. Her hands grip the cloth of the rug under her.
“How do I know…? I have no one to really show me. I feel lost more so than ever now.”
What do I need to be?
What should I be?
Why do I feel so insecure and weak?
Who do I ask for real help?
When will I feel as confident as I act?
Where on this planet do I find this?
“…I need help, because my walls are closing in upon me.”
Save me…