Sandra returns to her ship and sighs some relief as she falls on the small couch in her ship
“By the Stars, how many people are in love with Mart or have feelings for him! I do not think I imagined how many women have thrown themselves at him. I am kind of surprised that twice was as many as he had been with since we had been together! Maybe our being separated now is a good thing. I cannot deal with all these women! Better to just act like it never happened, because it never happened. All Mart has to do is keep his mouth shut and we’re free.”
Sandra puts an arm over her eyes and sighs again
“Rai has such passion for Mart, but hates herself. Mart has a passion for saving the universe, but also dislikes himself. Then I had to walk her through why it would all fall apart if at least one of them didn’t at least love their life. She’s a hairline away from sucking on Dark Side energy for the pleasure it brings just to mask the pain. What do you say to that? Maybe I should do my “Shadow” duty, if I am even that still, and just end her…who knows.”
Her legs cross as she lays and a foot taps in the air
“I want to be friends with Mart, in the very least. We’re on the right track for that now. He just has to keep his mouth shut and maybe I won’t cause his ship to explode next time he’s on it. We’re just friends. Anyways, I do not imagine any immediate salvation for this. I am too focused on Artemis and working with Kross. I need to do this more than I need any lover or such.”
Sandra lays there a moment and mutters
“…Relationships are stupid. Why do I have to fall in love? Why do I have to be an ignorant fool who still lacks self discipline and indulges in NONSENSE!”
Slams a fist into the metal wall
“…Idiot. Idiot. IDIOT.
Were I able to just rip my heart out and just… maybe I can just be a good girl. Just listen to what the Jedi say? Maybe I should just do whatever I want… i’m tired of feeling like i’m always watched despite their really not watching. It’s just my own guilt eating at me.
‘I’m breaking rules, punish myself. I used a bad technique, punish myself. I got angry, punish myself. Have self discipline or you’ll become evil and take over the universe!’
Maybe i’m tired of feeling like I always need to chastise myself for these things. Maybe I don’t want anything anymore and just…want to sleep. Just to be in an eternally warm bed and…I don’t need to wake up any more. The universe will somehow be saved and no one will ever suffer again, right?”
She turns on her side now and looks at the walls
“…Maybe this is something Artemis did to me. Teaching me to use my affection as a weapon and to savor the victories they bring me. How much is me and how much is her? I guess it doesn’t matter at this point. Maybe I just need some rest. It’s been a long day. I just need to rest… I just need to rest.”
She sits on the ground infront of the couch and goes into meditation