Position one, position two, position three, position four. Repeat. She had been doing this for hours, the sweat soaking her robe as she focused. Meditation even like this did not come easy, yet it was far easier then trying to kneel to meditate. Kneeling didn’t work, she did not have the patience for it, she needed to be fluid and active.
Corbin knew now the darkness that weighed on her shoulders, though she wasn’t sure he could truly emphasize with her, yes he had suffered his own darkness, his own pain. She could not deny that. Though he wasn’t very empathic to how she really felt. Not like Callista. Though at least she could talk to him about it now. Even if he emphasized about as much as a cleaning droid. She liked him though. He was very smart, understood her need to be moving and not always stationary. He made sense in many things.
“Who said they ever stopped…” That was the last words to her when she asked how he made the nightmares stop. It wasn’t promising for her sleep, to know she would likely never have a good sleep again. She missed those days of peaceful rest. Though she couldn’t talk to Tara about it, or Iskellia, only Corbin as he was the only one that she knew was told
Position one again, her saber coming up into a horizontal parry over her head, “I mean, they never stop, so what can I do, if he can’t escape the pain and memories, how can I?”
Position two, she begins a vertical parry, keeping the hilt of the training foil near her chest with the blade pointing upwards. “I mean, its not like I can talk to anyone else. Less so now that Knight Selkin is hurt. I cant bother her now. She’s in pain and doesn’t need some newbie harassing her about nightmares, even if they never stop”.
Position three, the hilt shifts near the head, blade lowered down “They have enough problems with the Sith, with what I sent them, with losing friends and loved ones. Not needing some initiate that was never good enough for the Jedi. I have skills and potential, but I am never…enough, nor do I believe truly I can ever be.”
Position four, the hilt back at the waist with the blade down "I know I am skilled at the force, I know I can do many techniques. Though doing techniques is not enough. Always has it come back to patience and discipline. I try in vain to be enough, to be what they want…
Her eyes open as she stops taking a breath, the sleepless nights were getting to her, fasting had not helped, meditation had not helped. Corbin did not seem to understand how much it bore down on her shoulders. She was just an initiate, not even a true Jedi. Closer to a joke of one at her age having never made it past initiate. Was she just a wasted effort? Was she truly naïve and dumb to the galaxy as a whole for her life in the Temple? What could she do? Was she nothing more then some dumb textbook answers that would never be good enough for Corbin?
A soft sigh escaped her as she stared out past the cliff to the water from behind the Jedi Temple, a tear falling free as she hugged herself, sniffing quietly as the tears ran down. Fear, lack of sleep, homesick, distress, all real, not that she could truly tell anyone. Not that they needed her feeble whimpering now with Callista hurt. No, she needed to stop being the failure and the weakest link. She needed to be perfect and fall into what they were, stop being this pathetic child that would never be enough. The question though…was how?