Rai - Darkness Decending

[Iradtoki]

A book found with a dark scar on the cover

The moon is many things, yet it is always but one. The force is many things, yet it too is always one. The heart is not so. Yes it is a physical manifestation, but it has more to it. More layers, more depth. When it is happy and healthy, the person blooms and glows. When it is damaged and broken however, something new rises. A darkness, a power beyond the acceptance of minor pain. I am reborn in this darkness. Much has happened in the years of my life. Betrayed, dishonored, abused, repeatedly abandoned.

So much has changed. I have changed. Those around me changed, my Master will guide me as they can. I have much to learn, much to grow in, yet I will not surrender. I cannot afford to, not now. I have already surrendered everything else to this. I cannot afford failure, not ever again.

[Iradtoki]

What lie have I convinced myself. He says he cares, he wants to help me, he is not with another, not anymore, but he will not be mine either…Am I so desperate and naive to think he could actually love or care for me. Apparently I am. Desperate for the closeness and companionship of the one person that has never betrayed me.

Yet…I wonder too if its just a feeble attempt to pray for change. He cannot love me, no one can, no one really ever did. Who could? Why when he has so many other woman curling at his feet that he could be with…that aren’t so damaged like me. Have I become so desperate for companionship that I truly want to believe he is different?

My Master has been away for some time, though he was never a stable presence. The war makes many uncertainties that I never understood. I don’t agree with or care about Revan, he’s just another power hungry idiot that fights without any real meaning. I know what they think when they see me. Oh no, big bad Sith, kill it, burn it, don’t let it close.

I was never close to begin with. So many pretended to let me close, and then the moment I was, burned me for being a fool. So why am I in Marts guest room? Why do I take these risks again? Why do I trust him or care? Why do I prepare foods for him to put the weight back on that I know he has lost again? I know he will cave to the prettier and simpler girls…I know he would much more easily be able to be with them.

I am just damaged goods that do not belong anywhere, a darkness that has been grown from years upon years upon years of abuse, neglect, mistreatment, abandonment. Callista saw only a glimpse into my world, and it nearly broke her. Yet how could she begin to stand when the world came crashing down in seconds, yet for me, it was an eternity that I had to bare alone, that I still have to bare mentally and emotionally, but I was told to be over it. Left alone to deal with it.

Can you love me Mart?

Would you choose me over them?

Would you be the one reason I have left to feel…anything…other then pain and anger and suffering?

Sitting with Sandra was odd, shes not stupid, I know shes likely on to me. I know how perceptive she is, just not sure how much she has realized. The storm didn’t give too many options though. We shall see what comes of all this…

A flower is folded into the page

[Iradtoki]

Written by the fire as she watches those around her

It is weird being here with people, yet feeling so alienated by them. Little has changed, if I revealed who I was, would they care? Or just see me as another monster? Likely the latter, they didn’t really care at all when I was…her back then. There are small things I miss, then there are things I don’t. The betrayals, the pain, the fear, the weakness…I was never enough for anyone.

Now I sit here and watch as Kho, once a good friend of mine, shuns me, treats me like trash to be disposed of. Tran is Tran, he’s always been a bit of a jerk. Sandra is distant and guarded, though again not really anything new. Even when I knew her back then she was always distant and cold…Never really cared about me. No matter how kind I tried to be to her.

Callista was interesting, she has definitely suffered slavery, but to a far lesser degree, not to say it was less humiliating or cruel, only less physically painful and torturous…

There is a fragment here as if something jolted the computer

Now I have had Tran throw something at me and pretend it was an accident and that it slipped, bantha spit, he attacked me. I’m not stupid, he didn’t drop it all the way across the fire pit and to the benches. Kho acts like he scolded him, though is probably congratulating him. Definitely tried to short out my computer, though thankfully I paid the 800 extra credits to protect against surges. A wise investment.

I wonder how long before he just outright attacks me? How long before they all do. I am not stupid. They don’t see me as a person, they never have…just another monster to destroy…yet they refuse to acknowledge…they helped create who I am…none of them are innocent in this…because no one was ever there.

[Iradtoki]

Written casually

It is amazing how quick people shit talk others the moment they aren’t around, take Vasheira for example. When asked what her favorite field of psychology was she claimed “cutting through peoples bullshit emotional problems”. I quickly corrected her that peoples emotional problems aren’t bullshit, then answering Sandra she mentioned that she wasn’t a psychologist, Mart and Z simply used her as one. I will ensure Mart knows that she considers his emotional problems as bullshit, he doesn’t need that kind of false support.

It has been strange wandering Mon Cala with Sandra. Though Zvadras is learning I don’t obey her orders, I do not take the orders of those I do not respect, and other then be a smart ass, she has done nothing to earn it. Shes not horrible, she just needs to learn I am not her inferior. Shes like Hriste when she first came to Veles. She will learn…

[Iradtoki]

Written casually, at almost a lazy pace

Markus, a rather interesting person. One who needs to hide from his bounty as “she” once did. 250,000 isn’t small coin. He really pissed off someone. Ah well, I am not helping his hunter. If anything I might kill them if they come for him. He seems alright though him and Ira’dana believe I am wrong. They too blame the Jedi for how I am now. Though on a different level. They want me to let down my guard and be friends with them.

Markus knows what I am, he’s the only one outside Mart that does. Why did I tell him? I am not entirely sure, maybe because he has as much to lose if revealed as I do. I will humor their little friendship thing, mostly cause I am curious and he seems insightful. Though my path will not change…It cannot. He doesn’t know everything, he doesn’t know what I have already done to save Mart. They wouldn’t forgive that as I know Mart won’t. Yet it will keep him safe and alive if he will just submit…

How far will I go…to protect the only thing left I love…I don’t know…even if he will never…ever love me back…two tear drops stain the page before the writing trails off

[Iradtoki]

The writing is hesitant, stopping several times in multiple places. The writing familiar even in the dark as she takes a breath, sleep never coming as she glances to Callista, who passed out from exhaustion in the spare bed. The medical dummy in the corner having been neatly tucked away and the medical supplies put away as well. There wasn’t much time left, all she could do was prepare

The time has come that I will face every mistake I ever made. One last time I…no…Iradtoki will come to do battle for what we believed in. The mistakes we made cannot be undone and short of killing Morel…there is no hope. I can only hope I am enough. I am enough to distract him at least, though I am not so sure I can kill him.

Markus did not take it well. I can feel the pain in him, though deep down he knows I am right. We won’t get another chance like this. Its not martyring to face what you have done and trying to make it right. Mart will never forgive me. I can’t see myself living every day with his glares, his cold shoulder and his hatred for me. I care too much for him.

Callista understands where I am standing on the matter. She knows this is a very brief window to work through. She is gonna have to do what I cannot. Help Damien when he is rescued. We spent all night learning with her learning every single thing I can teach her to help him. It should be enough till she can transfer him to a hospital and get him into their care…or if Mart decides to treat him at home. Mart may not even let Damien out of his sight for months after this. She should have the knowledge going forward to be able to treat this.

Ira’dana…still hold the hope I will come out alive. I didn’t have the heart to tell her otherwise. Shes a good friend and a great companion to Markus. They will need to face their own truths when they are ready. Though I suspect…no…I know they will be fine in time. She is a good person and very open minded. Where were these people a year ago. Doesn’t really matter I guess.

If anyone ever finds this…I will likely have died in the coming battle. My only regrets in life…was hurting Mart…and failing to be anything more then a failure at everything I ever tried to do. Maybe someone else can learn from these failures.

The book is tucked back under her mattress as she sighs, letting Callista sleep as she heads to the shower. She had a lot to prepare for, and she could sleep when she was dead

[Iradtoki]

One more night, one more terror filled attempt at blocking out the world once more. It didn’t really work. I didn’t expect it to. Much like most of my life, nothing has ever gone as it should. The few things I remember, and that Markus has reminded me of, is that Iradtokis life…was mostly a tragedy. It led her to a complete break from reality, a path of anger, of hatred. Was she entirely innocent in this? Probably not. I would imagine she screwed up from time to time. Though from what I have witnessed even in these last few weeks. People who struggle are often disregarded, they get told “I won’t coddle you or hold your hand”, but…what if thats what they need? A hand to hold during the storm to guide them. Someone to hug them and tell them its okay? Where would Iradtoki be, if more people took the time to care that her mental health was breaking? Probably not here. Probably not trying to force herself to get ready to stare a Sith lord down like one would a loaded pistol, a bullet in the chamber, daring them to pull the trigger.

Markus stirs her, I can feel her…I haven’t actually felt her since I saw Mart for the first time on Tattooine…and before that, since she walked out of the Jedi hall after they threw her away. I honestly believed her dead. A relic of the past. Yet Markus stirs her, I feel her responding to him. Sadly likely too little too late. Though perhaps my sacrifice won’t be in vain, as he has discovered much about himself and how he treats others. He has become very self aware and it will make him a better man. No matter what happens, I want him to be happy.

Everything is in place, come morning I leave to start, and once its started, it will be up to the force, up to fate to determine how it turns out. I have to hope we thought of everything, planned every detail we could, were smart enough, fast enough, considered every option. They won’t get a second chance like this to save Damien. I can only hope its enough. That I can buy enough time. I will fight as long as I can take until I get that clear signal. I don’t know if I can extract fast enough, or if I will survive this, if Mart will survive this, though for Damiens sake…he damn well better.

Back to gear check, it won’t do itself. Trusting in Markus to set the bombs and hope I will be able to use them in time…

If I do not return…Markus…be honest with yourself and those you care for, remember what I told you about the law and loopholes. Get things cleared up, and take care of one another.

Sandra - I wish Iradtoki could have been your student, though you couldn’t see the damage done, I couldn’t either though. It won’t matter now, but I think you two would have been great together.

Callista - My student for one night and a fine one at that, never give up your dreams. I know you will be a great Jedi. Perhaps greater then any of them currently. You have a great heart and are compassionate and caring, never lose that, the Jedi could learn a lot from you on compassion.

Ira - Take care of yourself, take care of Markus too. Make sure he learns to use that staff proper and never let go of your dreams. I know you will achieve them. Your stronger then you know.

Qy - Your a great engineer, a good friend, and a promising Jedi. Remember what I have taught you those nights by the fire when we discussed the Jedi, the flaws and mistakes I told you about and do not fall into those traps. I am proud of where you are at this point, I know you can go much further.

Mart+Damien - I can say very little that hasn’t already been said. I am sorry for what happened and if I am not here, I hope Damien is, that he is safe, that the rest of my plan went off smoothly to get him home safe. Take care of one another. All I can say is while its easy to hate me for what I have done…hatred is what started me down this path…please don’t follow me down it. Take care of one another, and damn it Mart…no starving yourself, I am not there anymore to nurse you back to health anymore.

If anyone sees Seela and Althea…please tell them I am sorry we failed them so badly. They were good friends, teachers and many other things. Take care of one another, and may the force be with you all.

~Rai

[Iradtoki]

I survived…amazingly…though it was exceptionally close. Sandras trick worked like a charm, the exploding saber. He didn’t see that one coming. He was dumb enough to catch it and start monologuing about “what was that supposed to do” when it blew up in his hand. For note, never be in range of an explosion. It hurts like hell. He paid me back though in kind, I have a nice new electrical burn scar up my back where he hit me with force lightening, and its completely crippled and paralyzed my left arm. It looks horrific but it is a solid reminder to me about passions and obsessions.

Damiens rescue was apparently successful. I haven’t seen or heard from Mart so I assume he is staying close to Damien understandably. I am glad his rescue went well. I…don’t know what’s wrong with me…the nausea, shaking and cravings won’t stop…I haven’t had this in a very long time. Suddenly on this strong is strange. Did someone give me something? But anyone that would, even the hospital here knows I am a recovering addict. They have already started administering withdrawal meds and have assured me they haven’t given me anything that should have caused these symptoms.

So now I have turned from the Jedi, betrayed the Sith, what’s next? I will need to speak to Markus and Callista and see where this goes…I honestly had not planned this far ahead because truthfully…I doubted I would get here. So now all that’s left is to see what they can do to help me move forward…without Mart. Thats the part that will be hard…Without Mart. Though I highly doubt he even wants to know if I survived or died at this point understandably.

~Rai

[Iradtoki]

Its been nearly a week since the rescue, things are mostly back to normal. I haven’t seen Mart since the night before, though I assume he is remaining close to Damien unless he absolutely has to. Can’t say I blame him. Spent some time today giving Qy some lessons that I feel will really benefit him going forward. Also taught him the truth about Tuskans. Somehow I think he has found his new outlet for purging evil.

Its mostly slow right now, Markus is resting, Qy had to go, and I have been trying to do the exercises given. Sadly Qy still hasn’t come to accept that short of cybernetics, there is nothing that can be done for my arm. I am not willing yet to consider that route. Not just yet anyways. One day maybe.

[Iradtoki]

The last few days have been eventful to say the least. A possible surgery for my arm, though at tens of thousands for Mon Cala, it will likely be here on Viscara. Still cost me a bloody fortune. Worth it if I can get any use of my arm back.

Then today I came out of dealing with the Vellen leader who wanted a chat, to a Kath hound outside the base looking for help who led me to a young boy named Lenny. Found out he was a slave of the slaver that I had previously had ripped apart by kath hounds…and Skabby no doubt remembers me. The boy hasnt recognized me, though I have adopted him. Hes had medical attention, a good meal and bath, tomorrow we will start on reading and writing, see where he is education wise.

I have promised him he will never have to worry for shelter, food or basic needs ever again, he has a home with me and I will ensure he is safe and well taken care of. Just another reason to stay on the path I am already on.

[Iradtoki]

Its been just over a week since the surgery, several kolto injections I can thankfully handle myself, and physiotherapy to work on my arm. It will never be what it was. Yet I have no complaints. The fact that I have any actual use at all is a marvel in itself. Dr Ipol did an amazing job and yet my visits with him are not completely done.

Next we will be discussing the scar tissue and undoing the things that were done at the breaking point. Its strange to be doing it for sure but I have no real complaints. The cost will be the question that comes into merit, though it cant be nearly as painful as this surgery credit wise. Things have been going well with the therapist and it has been a very slow progression. Though there is progress. That in and of itself is promising. I have missed a few of Beryns classes, I need to find out from Qy when they are…since I have been down from my arm.

Hopefully he wont be too upset about my absence. That surgery took more out of me then I suspected, and well, parenting is its own blessing. Watching Lenny working on his letters as he learns to read and write and do some math and such have been a great blessing and makes me happy.

[Iradtoki]

Things have been interesting as of late, as I lay here writing, Lenny is asleep curled into my side, Skabby at my feet, and his blood uncle Carmine asleep on the pull out couch in the livingroom. I know Beryn wasn’t happy I wasn’t just forking the kid over like a sack of potatoes, but this little guy has had more then enough people treat him like a worthless sack of potatoes, and he would not thrive in just being tossed there. He feels safe here, and I have made a point of teaching him that he has a right to feel that way.

Though I did offer to allow Carmine to stay with me for the next week, spend time getting to know Lenny, then see how he feels about it. After my surgery we will go to Carmines for a bit to see what his place is like and Lenny can get a feel for his home. While I do understand Beryns motives, Carmine seems to understand my ideals. Has agreed to stay and work on a relationship with Lenny and if things don’t work out between them, he will stay close but not pressure him.

Monday I go for my final surgery, which Markus will be spending the day with Lenny, which will be interesting for when Carmine is there too, he seemed to know “of” Markus, but hard to say. I need to inform Markus about this of course. I hope things will work out, though I won’t push for it. Markus needs to feel safe too, and Lenny so enjoys his Uncle Markus.

Hopefully Beryn can understand my reservations, and can understand that this child does need stability as he himself says, though he also needs the right of free will, something he has been denied his whole life, he needs the right to make a choice. While yes Viscara is dangerous, were in the middle of a war, there really is no real safe planet. Revan hits what he wants to, Ord Mantel could be next. So I will do what is best for Lenny, not for me, not for what Beryn thinks, and not for what Carmine thinks. I will respect Lennys decisions in this. Its why I want Carmine to stick around for a week. Let Lenny get to know him and spend time with him, bond over the week, see where it goes. Lenny knows Carmine wants him to come stay with him, I don’t lie to him, or hide anything from him. Though he knows too that its his choice.

Free will is something I will never strip from a child, no matter the opinions of others. I was a slave once, born and raised, I will not be the one to strip free will from another…

[Iradtoki]

More and more I consider moving to Ord Mantell, I mean, why not? No one would miss me? I have asked several times for any notification for Beryns lessons, no one bothers, guess I am not really welcomed. No one will stop by or even call to see how I am doing or chat, or anything, unless I initiate the calls. I havent seen Callista in weeks, Ira’dana is off with her own things, Althea is back but trying to get a base built, Qy is too busy with his own Jedi training to remember I exist. Beryn…well really the same thing, never bothers with me unless I call him, won’t tell me when lessons are, guess hes long given up on me too.

Even Markus is a bit surprised how little anyone that has promised to be here, has bothered to communicate with me unless I make the effort. Viscara has a new doctor, and a hell of a good one. Not really much need for me anymore, not that there really ever was unless it was to save someone else. Ord Mantell would be better for Lenny, I am fairly sure the Jedi don’t want a reject like me anyways. So is there really a point in being here? Is there anything truly worth fighting for?

The only one worth staying for is Markus, though I could do him a hell of a lot of good on Ord Mantell, wouldn’t take me long to climb the medical ranks there, especially with my healing abilities. I will talk to Markus and see what he thinks…I know hes nervous about Ord Mantell…but I know many things others do not. So I can only see what he truly wants.

Rai.

[Iradtoki]

I got to speak with Jedi Master Koll last night, I like him, he seems a fair and interesting man. We spoke for a while of my concerns about Beryn which he will investigate honestly. Then moved onto where I stand in the order. I offered up a suggestion, not even sure where I came up with it, but it seems reasonable if Althea accepts it. She knows me better then anyone. Its a fact. If anyone has any right to judge me, mind, body and soul…let it be her. She won’t lie for me, but she knows what its like too to be on the other side of the fence and still come back from it. Others don’t.

If it does work out. Lenny will have to live with Carmine, though I can still visit him and be a part of his life. If it doesn’t work out, then I need to make a new choice. The medical corps was offered to me again. Then there is the job offer of Ord Mantell, both would be good offers. It will be something to research for sure. For now, I will have to wait and see what Althea, and the Council decide.

Rai.