Second Chances (Zain Kalan)

Birthplace: Coruscant.
Species: Was originally a human, now a cyborg.
Age: 30s
Hair color: Chestnut.
Hair style: Short.
Facial hair: 5 o’ clock shadow stubble.
Eye color: pale grey/hazel.
Height: 6ft.
Weight: Difficult to tell but with the cybernetics and integrated body armor it is well above the average for an unmodified male human.
Physically distinguishing characteristics: His external body modifications though a little worn looking are well-serviced and maintained.
Left and right droid arms with a somewhat-mismatched appearance.
Foldable helmet. Cybernetic casing around neck. Partially cybernetic torso.
Other details: Copper and crimson armor and clothing.
Personality: Loyal and caring but with a number of phobias. Superficially happy-go-lucky, likes to quip at enemies and allies during combat.

So let’s start things out at the beginning. Hey you, I’m Zain.
I had a spectacular crash in a swoop race, losing my arm and decided racing wasn’t for me. Then I took up salvaging. I’m from Middle-Lower Coruscant. It’s not the nicest place but there’s plenty worse (like Lower-Lower Coruscant). I’ve been to Taris a little bit too but where things started really getting interesting is once I got to Viscara and joined up with the Jen-Itsu. That’s a bit of a backwater in the mid-rim but it’s a hyperspace hop and a jump from Mon Calamari apparently!

You are probably wondering about my cybernetics and implants.

https://thumbs.dreamstime.com/z/d-rendering-metal-cyborg-arm-thumb-up-isolated-white-cyborg-thumb-up-108353713.jpg
Okay, under the hood I’m still half organic (my head and everything below the waist are still what I was born with while my arms fully and my torso and spine partially have been augmented).

The second arm I had replaced voluntarily and cobbled together with a little help entirely out of scrap and used electronics. You see, I realized there’s a lot of neat stuff you can do as a cyborg salvager that as a human I could not.

My weapon of choice is a vibroblade. I’m not much good with blasters yet.

So my role model… is the famous cyborg bounty hunter DD-39. He signed my helmet!
Also Twilek girls are pretty great. They have extra brains in their head tendrils… which is what makes them so smart.
Also, also… Apparently Trandoshans are big on a very particular concept of honor which contrasts with the Wookiee one, but man can those lizard people make a good vibroblade.

I built a personal shield and deflector in my body frame too which helped me take on a whole bunch of Mandalorians.

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Upgrades… I have a small personal shield and deflector rig set up in my arms and chest. My spine is augmented too.
The servo actuators in my arms are strong enough to have above baseline human lifting and carrying power but delicate enough in the fingers to handle delicate fine motor tasks… they do need to be regularly recalibrated though.

Okay so my neck is partially cybernetic too. I do have my original voice box and vocal cords functional but also an auxiliary vocoder which is sort of tied to a commlink hardwired to me. It is a little tricky to switch on and off sometimes but I am getting the hang of it.

So the thing is my heavy armor is basically integrated to me as an extension of my body. That makes using the force difficult, as you might imagine. There’s enough of me still organic I could but I’m not disciplined in it and never got trained. Plus since both my arms are droid ones… I’m not going to be doing the push or the lightning ever…
I don’t know exactly how it works obviously but I still really don’t think I’d ever trade my vibroblades for a lightsaber.

If I could get a nice cortosis weave for some of them then Captain Teh’Beli and I could practice duel each other, though!

I am getting better at sword fighting… I do wish I’d go through less vibroblades though; It would be nice to get them in a material that is more durable. After the first few times the blade breaking off in an opponent’s back stops being so wizard.

https://i.pinimg.com/originals/aa/5a/36/aa5a365b15a79d7dd47cd18459b83606.jpg

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https://cdna.artstation.com/p/assets/images/images/013/410/610/large/alexander-murdoch-vibroblade-original-02.jpg?1539485499
I’m thinking about what Shin’cobe said… she seems to kinda like me but she doesn’t like being touched and I got a pretty loud and clear slow down. Then she bought me nice armor and better swords than I am used to. She’s a difficult one to figure out but I think the sharpshooter has layers and they peel away gradually as she gets more used to me. I mustn’t rush it. She’s been very helpful.

https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/1f/19/e0/1f19e07ad978588c67400b104fb96cfe.gif

I like having her as a friend… and sometimes we flirt and tease a bit, and this is fine.

https://images-wixmp-ed30a86b8c4ca887773594c2.wixmp.com/intermediary/f/1c368456-d7be-4449-82b5-c4eb68abc31a/d6s4f8e-17cd7ce1-aff1-4d45-9e36-fa187b587afa.jpg/v1/fill/w_1438,h_556,q_70,strp/the_cyborg_society_2_by_mattiasa_d6s4f8e-pre.jpg

I wonder though… well maybe it is like Gharssk and I just have not proven myself to her enough yet. So she likes me but doesn’t want anything serious. Alright, I can live with that.

image https://i.pinimg.com/originals/fa/f0/af/faf0afe290c5776676928734a396f351.jpg

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I’ve progressed through all the missions against the Mandalorian facility.
Seem ready to get to doing Coxxion… or at least everything has been leading to this point.

http://commenthow.s3.amazonaws.com/media/9x/b4/6y/uj/9xb46yuj1520tivvydcis47y5-dqb0k4dz7awy4j10py7kx1ki2jox78d.gif
Made a few new Trandoshan friends, Salavar and Trirst.
Still not sure what to make of Shin’Cobe. I guess she kinda liked me or not… but I’m not gonna look a gift horse in the mouth. This armor and swords she gave me and the training together was nice. I dunno, maybe she’ll come around again if or when she wants something?
https://static1.squarespace.com/static/56376cfde4b078ea32822fff/t/56a74204a976afbe4f034f2d/1453801992463/
I talked to Teh’Beli about it and she told me maybe Shin is just using me and with mercenary women not to get too attached. She said Zain I was myself a mercenary for several years. The lack of personal… it’s sort of a cost of the trade. If people think you are a liability or no longer useful then they don’t need or want ya anymore.
It’s all only of what use can you be. What can the mercenary get out of you like power or information… then you get squished like a bug. I hope that’s not true; I’d like to think Shin is better than that.
https://kylakollective.files.wordpress.com/2012/08/the_cyborgs_hand_of_doom_by_kropped-d4gxx6c.jpg
I know I’d never betray the Jen-Itsu for her.
At best all a girl is going to get being nice to me is a chromed up swordfighter willing to kick the ass of somebody she doesn’t like for her.

https://cdna.artstation.com/p/assets/images/images/007/378/672/large/cyborg-corp-cyborg-parts-sketches.jpg?1505741266

The Jen-Itsu is kind of like a family. They took me in and are offering me a great opportunity… I can’t let them down.

https://cdn.instructables.com/F2C/NZNB/IJQOE6C9/F2CNZNBIJQOE6C9.ANIMATED.LARGE.gif
I was in a near fight with Andro but I talked him down from wanting to cut me down. Apparently there is bad blood between him and DD-39.

Am I too friendly? Sky and Shin seem to think so. Captain Teh’Beli says sometimes I am but I can work on it. Captain Gharssk doesn’t seem to mind.

I’ve got to be useful, to continue to prove myself. I want to be a valuable acquisition and a good team member. Maybe not the number one operative in a syndicate but at least a competent one at what I do.

https://i.pinimg.com/originals/2c/aa/68/2caa6872cdf668898ad821a7c3aa673d.jpg

To do that I need to keep training and continue modding my cybernetics.

https://cdnb.artstation.com/p/assets/images/images/007/378/673/large/cyborg-corp-motor-parts-sketches.jpg?1505741168

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I want to see the best in people. Andro wanted to kill me but I talked him down from it. Seem to be getting along better with Gharssk and the other Trandoshans, too.

https://i.pinimg.com/originals/c7/f8/9d/c7f89df391be3b926316f3cd4c596a23.jpg
Captain Teh’Beli said I can sleep in her ship and is getting me a cot.
She’s so nice to me. I am forgetting all about superficial/selfish Shin’cobe… and her trust issues with me. I probably was regarded as no longer useful to her and thus discarded, like trash. Ugh.
It is not I who is trash. You are trash for treating people as trash to be exploited.
I repainted my armor in honor of the team that I serve, too.
https://i.pinimg.com/originals/be/7d/d5/be7dd5c8c8ccae35cd95885d130e33a0.jpg

Loyalty to the Jen-Itsu.
Right. Sigh Trust no one is stupid and not how I want to live my life.
The syndicate is my family… remember that.
image https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn%3AANd9GcTsvUuO7LtmntxUlLVeql4l0rXRSXZ5Ls7f8ZyfKC15DlDCl9V9
Look at me, the wounded warrior in copper.

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Worked out my pistol marksmanship with Hriste and Trirst.
I’m not the best but I’m better now than I was.

First and foremost my loyalty is to Captain Teh’Beli. That’s why I colored my armor red and orange, by the way.

https://ae01.alicdn.com/kf/HTB19tRrQVXXXXcmXFXXq6xXFXXXK/Industrial-Robot-Arm-Bionic-Robot-Hands-Large-Torque-Servo-Fingers-Self-movement-Mechanical-Hand-with-Control.jpg
I was a little wrong about Shin and glad I was but she is a bit selfish and immature for my tastes.
https://i.pinimg.com/736x/a6/97/d6/a697d688f23dddb4138077a627442293--augmentation-robotics.jpg
I have to keep training so I can protect Iradtoki and serve Captain Teh’Beli the best I can. It turns out Irad is a force adept. This gets more interesting. The Jedi are weird space hippies but not as militaristic as I had been led to believe.

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I am starting to get pretty good with a blaster pistol. These performance tweaks to my cybernetic draw arm for faster response times are working beautifully.
image https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--V5FSSyHm--/18m5edt0tbw16jpg.jpg

Note to self: Jedi aren’t allowed to get married and have kids, they are allowed to have friends and give or receive hugs though.

https://avante.biz/wp-content/uploads/Westworld-Wallpapers/Westworld-Wallpapers-026.jpg

I care about Iradtoki, she and Captain Teh’Beli are like family to me and are nice, nice twileks. I still don’t know the language but what the hutts have done to their people is pretty messed up. I also know that even though the Republic says it is generally not alright with the trafficking of sentients it still does happen quite a bit in places on the Outer Rim, and on Nar Shadda and Kessel. Also I know that this is likely due to fat slugs bribing officials exorbitantly. It’s been going on for a very long time and isn’t going to stop anytime soon.
image http://www.extremetech.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/02/hand.jpg
Also, I think I understand why Shin withdrew away from me better now after talking to Irad some more put things in a new light; It kind of bothers me that she (Irad) was used as a pleasure slave, dancer and boothbabe by those greasy and blubbery loansharks. It still hurts though Mouse. I just wanted to be your friend. Why pretend to like somebody a lot then pull an about face like you don’t even know them? Past trauma from bad relationships? I wouldn’t just sleep with somebody then abandon her. I may be a crippled salvager but I am not garbage!

Ugh. That is unresolvable. Just let it go, man.
Captain Teh and Irad like you, kind of a lot. Trirsk and even that one Mandalorian are good hunting buddies too. Forget about Miss I-have-trust-issues-you-are-male-and-were-friendly-towards-me… Or at least try not to let it bother you.

It isn’t my fault other people who weren’t me abused you before we ever even met, damnit.
Some people like you as best they are able in their own screwed up way because they can’t… because they got damaged. It’s dumb but it’s true. I guess.

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I continue doing odd jobs and working on my fighting skills.
To be a good protector… you have to have people to care about. If I didn’t care about anybody, maybe that’s important to a bounty hunter but that isn’t me.
image https://www.3ders.org/images2016/how-to-make-a-low-cost-open-bionics-3d-printed-prosthetic-hand-06.jpg

You have to care about people, in order to protect them.
image https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn%3AANd9GcSaOBybBE9IN9EDrfJhyfqinhFONmyrpvRah6aWKRFZZcb-ktxx

To be a good protector whether it is as muscle like an enforcer, a bodyguard or even just a soldier… I think you have to have heart.

http://img07.deviantart.net/f6b7/i/2012/234/7/b/random_by_cyanak-d5c1it9.jpg

So you can’t be selfish.

https://charidimosart.files.wordpress.com/2012/12/arm-augmentation-carbon-fibre-inner-muscles.jpg
…and that means facing down your fears, eventually.

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I hope Iradtoki is okay.
image https://i.imgur.com/zOWspvR.png

I haven’t seen her in awhile, I will assume she is busy doing Jedi things.
Captain Teh’Beli had to do things offworld and will probably be back later.

One of my employers has provided me with access to a compound I can stay at temporarily without having to pay rent so long as I put in work to earn my keep.

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Poor dear Irad. She’s so nice. She doesn’t get it though.

https://i.pinimg.com/originals/e0/52/ba/e052ba6a4a6962ec14e6789809a8f6e4.png
As a delivery boy for many of the seedier powers that be in the colony… to keep daily life running behind the scenes you have to deliver goods to powerful people and “bad guys” and to keep things well greased and running optimally. Such a kid in that respect.
Honestly, the Jedi are a bit childish in their view of good and evil.
I’m more in the middle. Everybody whether they are good or they are evil just cares about surviving; everybody needs food, medicine and weapons.

Granted, she has had several recent attempts on her life, so being on edge makes sense. I’ll do what I can to reassure her but I can’t turn away from smuggling just yet.

https://d3gqasl9vmjfd8.cloudfront.net/54eb0ed7-24ef-44f3-8458-4b7dc67aa006.jpg

Recent progress is I’m getting pretty good with pistols and even made some of my own.


I’m still not too sure at all about this “the force” stuff.
I don’t think I’m cut out for Jedi material. Whoever heard of a smuggling cyborg Jedi? That’s absurd.
image https://i.pinimg.com/originals/64/29/62/6429622c68ca497fe4ab8066640a0e74.jpg
I did take up meditation and use support force powers. I’m slower at it due to my cybernetics and the heavy armor I wear as a second skin but it still helps during battles to turn the tide in some what would otherwise be unwinnable situations.
http://cdn.epicstream.com/assets/uploads/quizresultcover/760x400/yellow.png
If I had to give up smuggling then that’s just it… I think having some insights into how that whole world works to get things done past the scanner range of planetary governments and authorities might be a valuable thing I can offer to any organization or team. My experience with things the typical goodie two shoes is afraid to dirty him or herself with is an asset.

Damned if I don’t find the idea of crafting a lightsaber of my own appealing though… and giving it a yellow or orange crystal speaks out to me the most,… A Zain-Sabre.

https://i.pinimg.com/originals/df/61/16/df611670eeddd70015c20b830116d367.jpg
The Jedi, Sith, Cartels and Syndicate all use us as pawns. They don’t care about us as people.
Shade is only kind to me so long as I am useful for her and don’t screw up her other business ventures too much. It’s a pragmatic and practical relationship only.

I value life and I seek balance. Sometimes there need to be trade offs and sacrifices made to maintain it. People who get too hung up on static definitions of good and evil lose sight of that larger picture. It’s for the greater good of everyone, not just myself and I am well aware of what (our very lives) is at stake.

I’m not a bounty hunter. Nor am I an assassin. I won’t just hunt people down, thanks… because there is no heart in that.

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Those stupid… childish, churlish and making Irad cry.

I don’t like that there are people hunting her. I carried her to her bed and guarded her door so that she could get a little sleep. The poor thing has been understandably very upset by all the trouble that has been going around and coming her way and the way that enclave of Jedi fiercely bickers with itself isn’t helping reassure her.

I ran into Mouse and she tried the calling me a stranger number again.
I made myself clear that simply because I am a friendly man does not mean I am trying to use and throw her away, thank you very much. Look okay there’s two types of cyborgs: The ones who do their best to retain their humanity (Like me) and the ones who go as machine as they can to nearly become like a droid but emotionless (Like DD-39). You may have your hang ups with intimacy, friendliness and relationships but I struggle with remembering how to feel things. The ability to experience sensations mentally is a precious gift that maybe people don’t appreciate until they become deprived of it then have to work at to get some physical semblance of back.

Getting pretty good with my blaster pistol.
I miss Captain Beli.

I also found out that Hriste is a doctor and that she isn’t very fond of being an engineer. Chiss apparently go last name first then first name so her “name” is actually Amun. She would rather be teaching at some university in Chiss space than adventuring but is making due and that actually explained a lot about how come she was being uptight before.

Have begun training with lightsaber… force abilities gain much slower due to cybernetics. Am a natural with combat though. Or rather an augment at it. Lack of a master or trainer is holding me back. Hmm.

Summary

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https://youtu.be/DmwVgUVOl9w
From what I understand of it a Jedi Sentinel uses other abilities more than force powers to get the job done. Stuff like guile and espionage.

Yellow and blue crystals called out to me in the cave but it was the song of the golden one that called to my mind’s eye loudest and most clearly. Its tone was quite distinct.

The transition from small time smuggler to Sentinel won’t be as huge a leap as say the one I did from racer to salvager and from salvager to mercenary.

The Jedi sentinels often come from backgrounds and have skills that the guardians or consulars would not approve of. They (Sentinels) are not as traditional or orthodox.

You investigate as a sentinel and help maintain order in a city, planet, sector or system.
You are not as insulated from the world around you as the others. You are a man in the street and understand the civilians and criminal underworld are a useful resource.

Computer and droid slicing, manipulating technology, doing information sweeps, etc. are skills sentinels use and benefit from. We analyze. We sleuth. We infiltrate.

OOC: Jedi Sentinel details that aren’t canon yet because Zain has yet to become a padawan and have his master trainer assigned. Technically he doesn’t know it all the way much yet so consider the folded hidden stuff not in continuity yet please!

I wish I could find and talk to Master Hohenfel about it or maybe talk a bit to Irad’toki’s master but she probably views me as a mess up and a risk to her padawan. Our “attachment” as close friends is something the order frowns on and since I am a man and she is a woman some fear we might succumb to romantic feelings towards each other and I know that would distract my friend from her training, which is not something I would want to do to her. I don’t want to be a thing holding her back…

Irad progressed so much ahead of me in her melee saber combat and force abilities that the idea I could protect her is a bit laughable despite my doing so. Still, she trusts in me and our friendship is a good rock in a sea of uncertainties.

I’m more adept at conventional combat than the force and my talent for getting into criminal enterprises and government places as an unassuming delivery boy smuggler has proved quite invaluable. Similarly the ability to converse with droids electronically has been of key use in situations. I could definitely and totally use these unconventional skills in missions… I guess?

Irad is very sensitive and empathetic. She’s a consular…
I’m the one who is semi-skilled at infiltration and already got in with some criminals and darksiders. Instead of recognizing that Jedi and people keep acting like I’m some weird risk to them for not being on the path of the straight and narrow as “Mr. squeaky clean upstanding citizen.”
Have to keep the ruse going.
Ugh. Sought out Master Hohenfel. I need to talk to him about becoming a Sentinel. Or to find someone who understands it better. The consulars and guardians just don’t… not really.

This whole Lanari and Shade thing is gonna come to a head and I have a bad feeling about it; The conflict between them and Irad’s mentor Miss Tara is being brought to a boil. Like a tea kettle.
Meanwhile I’m trying to convince the Order I’m a worthy investment but they are unsure of my loyalty due to my initial reticence to join and wanting to continue on as a smuggler to gain further information about Duskhaven.

All the crystals hum but it was the yellow kybur crystal in the spider cave sang to me clearest in my head. It said:

Blockquote “You are a little off-beat but want to help. Me too.”

It wasn’t the loudest song. That one belonged to the blue crystals.
It wasn’t the most beautiful song. That was the green crystals.
Nor was it the angriest song which came from the red ones.

It was subtler than its neighbors and cousins but stuck with me and was comforting.

I don’t rely on just my force abilities given the choice. I have them and they aren’t as developed as the others but are there. That’s my handicap what with being a cyborg and wearing heavy armor often to the point of it being like a second skin to me.

Nah what I do is work with people and use my fluency in Droidspeak to get information out of droids by talking to them electronically. I’m also learning Shyriiwook, Dosh, Twileki and Mandalorian. Linguistic progress is rudimentary at present with the most forward strides being made in comprehending Wookiees.

Finally I figured out how to do a force push. It is very weak right now but my support skills of aura and heal are at a point they seem decent.
I made myself some training robes and was a quick study at lightsaber combat even though gaining force proficiency was and I suspect will continue to be a slow struggle.

Master Hohenfel wanted to talk with me.
I think the path of the Jedi sentinel is the right one for me.

No romance allowed may be tricky but hey, I don’t think I’d be a good father and marriage is not something I’m ready for anyway. Be a good father? I’m half machine from having been so reckless with my own physical safety! That is a terrible example for children so no thank you!

Also, I still need to learn how to make my own lightsaber.

Approved, and XP Bonus Given.

I’m not feeling very useful or wanted. I’m not sure why Irad thought going to Lanari would be a good idea. She’s lost her voice. I suspect her vocal cords were damaged but I’m no medic.

Did Lanari do that to her? I wasn’t given a lot of details but Irad basically wrote to me it had to do with Lanari so my gut says that would be a yes. I’m not going to express to her how stupid I feel that course of action was on her part. I told her I understood she was basically doing what she thought was the right thing and so I can not fault her for it.

We have a little bit of a weird force bond I guess? When one of us is upset the other can pick up on it. She’s more empathic than I am while I tend to view machinery and devices as extensions of their owner or the person using them.

I wish Master Hohenfel would get back to me about my interest in becoming a Jedi sentinel.

I learned how to build my own lightsaber finally too! It’s nothing too fancy but it is pretty durable. In the crystal cave there was this weird vision quest and the old man asked me some questions… then handed me a blue lightsaber and at the end asked me to choose a colored crystal. I was worried he was going to give me a red saber initially but he didn’t. The color I went with was yellow.

…and nobody cares. I definitely have some force sensitivity. There is no denying that now but what should I do with it? How do you train that sort of thing properly?

Yup that’s me drifting in and out without making any sort of lasting impression or able to get people’s attention when it’s needed. Blending in is fine for smuggling and other sneaky stuff like scouting and information gathering but sometimes when you need to stand out it isn’t nearly as helpful.

I worry that each argument Irad and I have is a step closer to us no longer being friends. She is very… fragile. And yet… she was so pushy in the workshop at each step. When I told her a piece of my mind that in fact I did not like being scolded and reprimanded and treated as dumb for not automatically understanding how the new manufacturing techniques she and Doctor H were working on worked just yet… she got more and more frustrated as I fumbled around working my way through… and she ended up smashing her datapad on the ground and stomped out. For my not immediately understanding. Ugh.

So the force is pretty weird. Master Hohenfel says he has talked to someone and the council says I get my own master to apprentice under to learn how to be a Jedi sentinel.
I bet he’s like some sort of sneaky ninja guy… Or maybe a master sleuth! Or a temple guard who uses droids and electronic libraries to stay on top of stuff? Maybe all of the above!

Master Hohenfel said that I could hear the songs of the crystals in the cave and the way machines seem to speak to me may be due to the force.

Droids and machines don’t have souls exactly but he theorized that maybe there is a residual sort of an imprint left behind by their makers and programmers through the force. It could be this “echo” that is what I am responding to. Fun to think about.

I recycled my old lightsaber and put its pieces into making a new better one. I’m going to repeat this a couple times until I get a nice, properly personal “Z-Saber”.

It took a whole day of me working it out and Dr. H coaching me to get the basic grasp of these new and different manufacturing techniques.
…and Irad got mad that after the time she and Dr. H already had put in, having a significant head start over me… that I didn’t magically absorb the skill off them and still had to work it out to learn it myself?! I don’t think the force works that way.

I think me trying to explain to her where I am coming from is kind of pointless.

I can’t stay mad at Irad.
It’s like Dr. H said… she was trying to help even if it did not.

They were both trying to help because they cared. About me. Like two alien sisters… despite us not being the same species as each other.

Cybernetics Schematic:
Zain’s augmentations include a pain inhibitor in his spine and stim delivery platform in his back enclosed behind a plasteel panel which together endow him with a nigh freakish, nearly monstrous stamina.

His arms grant him a higher than average strength and at present he is capable of lifting and carrying a maximum of well over over one and a half tons worth of objects. They also give him a well over quicker-than-human reaction time which is useful when drawing a blade, lightsaber or firing a pistol.

Zain’s neck has a reinforced slim-line brace over it that features a combined droid vocabulator and vocoder and also has a touch activated commlink. This allows him to mimic the voices of others around him at times but the built-in commlink feature is not that useful. For example, sometimes he forgets to switch it off when on the go and it subjects his team mates to unpleasant feedback/echoing. He has contemplated having the commlink module portion removed.

I’ve increased the maximum load I can carry to 3500+ lbs by upgrading the servos in my prosthetic arms.

Ugh so the master the council master assigned to me does not want to teach me. He says I don’t live according to the code and acted like I had nothing of benefit to the Republic or the Order. There has to be a reason Hohenfel assigned this lazy jerk to me. Hmm… he told me I have to do something to impress him into wanting to teach me.

He (my would-not-be trainer) found a dark Jedi in the woods by honing in on her evil and quickly dispatched her before we even had time to sword clinch. He also did a lot of other stuff I had no idea a person could do with the force and otherwise. This is frustrating. Look okay I get jedis are a symbol to the republic… I’m from Coruscant for cripe’s sake!
I don’t think it’s fair that they all expect you to have a pure heart and sterling background either. It should matter more what you do as one than where you came from and what your origins were.

I was a racer and then a smuggler and I am a salvager. I work with technology a lot. I keep casualties always to a minimum. I am learning many alien languages. I can make my own light saber.

He really doesn’t want an apprentice. Maybe the Sith or Mandalorians killed his last padawan?

Oh come on, Hohenfel believed in me… oh for crying out loud…

Of course I’m untrained and rough around the edges from having to be self-taught thus far! How can you expect me to already follow it all before I even know the stuff???

I made the master who still says I am not ready to be trained a saberstaff by way of apology for my being impudent before.

I really could use some guidance and training.

Walessa and I helped a colonist family that was in trouble and he said I did show some potential but then he told me all the angles I hadn’t perceived as alternatives where it could have gone much more badly and in hindsight I do see some ways I could have subdued their attacker more immediately and effectively. Then we wouldn’t have had to get the mother and child to the hospital.

How am I supposed to live by the code? He said… just do what’s right in your heart and keep practicing. That’s what I HAVE BEEN DOING!

Doctor H and Irad are mad at me for not being able to magically absorb their instructions and that I struggle to use the force. I don’t blame them. I’m just… not good at things. The only way to get better is to struggle I think but they get frustrated with my lack of progress and I am too.

I wish I hadn’t ended up coopting the lesson she had with her master. No, that wasn’t nice. It wasn’t exactly on purpose but the end effect was the same.

I get it. I’m untrained, rough around the edges and unrefined from being self-taught. I don’t have the benefit of a straightforward mentor either. He wants me to figure stuff out on my own but I kind of have no bloody idea what I am doing. I happened to get better at saber-craft. I kept working on it until I got better. The force is strange and I don’t get how to use it to lift things or manipulate objects.

I can push them in a direction… sort of. No sustained floating though.
And inanimate materials can call out to me. Crystals have their own “songs” when you listen for them. Metals too.

More practically, I have increased the maximum lifting capacity of cybernetic arms to 7000+ lbs.
I am worried about being left behind. I’m never going to be good enough. Everything is harder than it needs to be. Well, fine! I’ll just deal with it.

If I’m too impure to be a Jedi then I can live with just being a force sensitive who likes technology. I’ll watch the others progress forward while I’m held back. I agree I’m not ready yet but I have no real clue how to get ready.

Letting go of anger was the first step but now what?

Well, okay why did I want to become a Jedi? I wanted to prove that your background you start out with doesn’t matter. I wanted to show even if you aren’t a noble or a government official that you can still be that kind of symbol that gives hope to people in the Republic. Alright?

I get it. I’m doing it all wrong and I’ll probably never get where I am trying to go.

Finding peace… I am calm when I am at a work bench when it isn’t just me and the materials I have salvaged and I allow my thoughts to drift a bit… not too locked and not too free flowing, just there. Then I pour focus into constructing an object. It doesn’t always turn out right but I try again and again and gradually it gets better usually.