Speaking of grasp…
Current lifting capacity with recent modifications totals an excess of 8200 lbs. crazy.
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My Chiss friends want to give me some discipline. They don’t like the force but they are onto something. I’ve never been a soldier and so I don’t know a whole lot about how to rapidly obey and resist distractions too well. They do. Their entire society is pretty danged efficient.
Bring on the boot camp!
I am studying Cheunh and my Shyriiwook has gotten noticeably better!
To do: Continue honing sabercraft and lightsaber swordsmanship. My master isn’t going to train me or teach me anything at all so I need to teach myself. He by his own admission stated I was not ready yet.
Others advance ahead of me. Fine! Since the ability with the force I have is very different from the other Jedi I have encountered both light and dark and I guess many force sensitives in general this may be an uncharted territory I am attempting to navigate.
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So, I am having to figure out how to be a Jedi without much in the way of guidance.
These are the things I have been thinking about to myself while working out:
Okay Zain, what does being a Jedi mean to you? You aren’t one yet and may never get to be one but let’s examine it a moment, setting those doubts and ugly realities of struggles and frustrations, shortcomings aside.
You do what you can to preserve life.
I screwed up the mission but I did keep both the mother and her child protected and alive. Although if I had done a better job subduing their attacker they would not have gotten wounded in the process and we wouldn’t have had to take them to the hospital. I should have held onto that droid memory core too to review the holo footage rather than immediately forking it over to the authorities. Ugh. Rookie mistakes. I sought putting the safety of the mother and child above solving the mystery… and will just have to live with it, knowing we may never know the whole reason why her husband who was possibly into weapons making or some sort of unsavory wetwork had made such an irate enemy.
The attacker said the man (who had fled and was hiding but I at the time of this entry assume to be still alive, hopefully reunited with his family) had killed his family and so he was going to kill the woman and child of his enemy in retribution. I didn’t let him and when negotiations broke down and he insisted on trying to kill them anyway we came to blows. That family’s broken droid was a domestic model which on observation I believed to have had some blaster mounts placed on it as a custom modification… which is odd but they live out in the wilderness pretty far away from Veles colony so it’s plausible that might have been for defense against predators and burglars.
I guess the attacker trashed it when it performed its duty trying to protect the woman and child. When Walessa and I arrived on the scene it was already totaled and he was menacing them.
Maybe it would have been better if instead of using the force to slam their assailant into the wall, at which point he totally lost it and started flailing and firing wildly… I’d shot him in the leg with a blaster instead. That would have perhaps incapacitated him better. More rookie mistakes.
I have to already be proficient and have some expertise before the master is willing to teach me anything. This is very hard.
Letting go of anger and jealousy is a good start.
Okay yes, I acknowledged being jealous of Irad having it easier in that she has a better relationship with her instructor and generally more facility with the force than I do.
I acknowledged that my master is frustrating me.
I acknowledged that a lot of the time it feels like I don’t know what I am doing since I am mostly having to train myself…
And I don’t hate them for it. This is simply the way of things.
My path is different from hers.
Do I want to become a Jedi?
Yeah.
Why?
They are a symbol of hope and safety to the Republic.
Why did I pick the path of the Sentinel instead of a Guardian?
The Jedi consular and guardian felt too much like extremes and sentinel seemed a good middle ground. It also appealed to me as a non traditionalist.
What is the path of the Jedi Sentinel though?
I don’t fully know and can’t answer that truly but from what I have gathered about it thus far. Sentinels investigate things, I guess for the Jedi Council and some of them ferret out and eliminate dark side users, quickly, like a finely honed vibroblade. They also somewhat more embrace use of technology and espionage than guardians and consulars do.
A Jedi’s life is said to be one frought with personal sacrifice and you have to enjoy some things but in moderation and forgo the excesses of other ones.
Okay so you can drink sometimes or use certain recreational substances on occasion as long as you don’t overdo it.
You can’t get married or have children.
I don’t lay with women very often anyway so I don’t think that is going to be much of a problem.
What can I actually give, what is my contribution that would be of value to the Order?
I guess I’m not immediately useful, no.
I can use my innate ability to intuitively figure out devices somehow productively though, I just know it. Maybe with enough practice since there isn’t that structural support for how to train it…
I could write and record some instructional materials for other initiates who come after me, so that they don’t have all the same frustrations during training which I do, as well!
Well… Except, I’m not a Jedi. I’m not even a padawan.
Okay who cares though? The Jedi have so much bigger and more important things going on that probably unless I do it either nobody else will or some dark side user is gonna get the jump and take the opportunity to do it first.
I don’t feel qualified to instruct others when I am still figuring a lot of it out for myself, though.
Leave your old life behind. Living as a Jedi is different and this is a lifelong commitment towards a set of ideals.
Well, my thinking is it is and it isn’t. Yes. I understand it is not to be undertaken lightly.
Who is to say though that if skills you had under previous civilian or criminal vocations prior to joining the Order may be useful during a mission you cannot or should not employ those though?
I get it, I get it. Some behaviors are risky and if it is an activity that might make the Order look bad to the Republic you aren’t just representing yourself as yourself on worlds but may color an entire population’s opinion of the Jedi as a whole. Also there is that whole slippery slope downward into the dark side — thing.
