I… am a Jedi.
I use the force and my light saber to help people.
I advocate nonviolence where possible.
I always work on self-control.
Aren’t those the marks of it?
They are.
I am simply an untrained one and not really recognized as one yet by the Order, naturally enough.
It feels like I’m making real progress now in this Jedi thing.
I made some progress both in my temperament with the way I relate to people and in armor and sabercraft. I would like to move forward in saber combat like my Master told me to work on but it seems I can only learn new things about it while on Mon Cala these days. I am running low on money and hitchhiking is most infrequent at best of times. Sometimes I can pay ship captains in fuel to reimburse my transit cost.
Then it all went up in smoke. In trying to make sure Sylia wasn’t going to turn to the dark side… I ended up making Iradtoki lose faith in me, damaged Irad and Sylia’s relationship, misplaced my sewing gun, managed to leave Irad convinced I had betrayed her, my master, her master and the entire Jedi Order… and I feel pretty much like some stepped all over nerf plop.
Oh and I owe Captain Adush somewhere between 3 and 4,000 credits. I currently have less than 2k to my name.
I didn’t say a thing to Sylia about being tasked with reconnaissance on her. I just said that Irad and I were a little worried before that she might join the Sith. Then she told me those fears were misplaced and she had started studying the light side of the force under Sandra.
…and decided that this was a slight against her by Irad for not being the one to first ask her instead of me. She made it into a personal and interpersonal friends thing and touchy-feely. I can’t fix this.
I will go by myself to be by myself. If people want to find me, they can seek me out. I am tired of alarmism and having to sift through a foggy web of constant guesses always trying to do the right thing. I am not tired of always trying to do the right thing; I am tired of it going so very wrong at the last moment.
I give up. Irad didn’t even ask me to explain what had happened before jumping to the worst possible conclusion & I was trying to do the right thing.
That’s the story of being an addict. Despite screwing up, you try your best to do what you feel is the right thing and it nearly always turns out badly anyway.
To think, I threw away everything I cared about to help someone who doesn’t even like me. My friendship with Irad, my chances of becoming a Jedi, my Chiss almost foster family.
Well, going down is the right thing to do. I have to be the fall guy in this.
Everybody else has ways out and to cover their butts and stay safe but I don’t. So that’s it.
I don’t know who to turn to or where to go so great, much more uncertainty. That thing I already didn’t like the amount of that was ongoing. Let’s swim through it and just try not to drown, alright?
It’s back to the drifter life then. That’s probably for the best; no it isn’t. I’m getting too old for this. I wanted to be a part of something and to help people but it’s just like the swoop gang in my teens over again.
Maybe I would have made a pretty good Jedi. It’s too late now though.
They aren’t going to bother trying to arrive at the truth or see at all why I did what I did. It’s doomed.
What is the drifter life? Fighting wrongs and always moving because you never belong anywhere with anybody or have a place to call home. I tried so hard not to see the burning writing there on the wall but that’s it.
Now I feel stupid for trying to run away from my Chiss family, resign from the Jedi Order, and sell my possessions to try and hitchhike my way through the galaxy to the opposite side so Irad and people would never have to see or hear from me again.
I am starting to get too old to just pack up and leave every time I screw up really bad. Part of being an adult is you have to stay and face things.
I think I get more about what being a Jedi means and is supposed to be about now than I did at the beginning.
It’ll feel different to be on the right side of the law for a change but it’s a good sort of change like when I recovered from substance addictions.
Damn it, I’m never going to get to be a Jedi now and on top of that my health is falling apart. I’d better get that cybersurgery to remove those faulty implants soon.
I’m always found wanting. Just once I’d have liked to have had it been good enough and not have to try even harder. Well, joke’s on me.
This is what you get when you try to do the right thing with your heart instead of your head.
Now I’m probably never going to get to be a Jedi, my health is shot and all the people on the sidelines who said I was unfit, that it wasn’t me and that I was trying to force myself into something unnatural that I wasn’t, like Sylia and Sandra can point and laugh at me in my sickbed.
During that glimpse into my mind she got to see how important getting to be a Jedi was to me. I wanted tools to combat the darkness in me as well as others. I did it to myself and can’t blame anybody else for my failures.
There is no saving face. I should have resigned the moment I failed when Irad and Dr. H got so mad. Captain Adush said he’d have hunted me down for deserting if I did though and I know you can’t always run away from your problems, you’ve gotta face them.
I wanted to be one more than anything and that’s too bad.
I’m worried about Irad. She did 60 stims at once. That is way too much for one person. Also psychoactive drugs are really bad for force users. I know because I am a force sensitive and was an addict. I recovered and she made me want to be better, I tried to live like a Jedi and then I find out that she’s abusing drugs. She helped me get over them!
Oh god and all the jedis with their apprentices and everybody getting taught but me and learning strange new abilities while I struggle out the basics. Well okay I don’t need special treatment or extra advanced abilities. I’m going to make my own eighth form of fighting. I saw them talking about and practicing their seven even if I don’t know what it’s all called because I’ve never been trained and I’ll never get to be worthy!
I’ll become the best damned saber duelist around and I’ll only use it for good and justice… and then when people ask me if I am a Jedi I can turn my head to one side, spit and say no then walk away.
Then she got so mad at me when Andro called on my new holo projector and we were both concerned about her because that is way too many stims for one lithe little twilek to cram into herself. She’s lucky her heart didn’t leap out of her chest or have her adrenal gland shut down.
They were mind performance enhancers so I guess side effects are a god complex and crabbiness. Also Dr. H says synesthesia along with weird bad dreams.
Update: I need to be gentler to Irad and less harsh in how I speak to her. Lluc the Mandalorian said it was basically like she and I were a clan unit kind of and that the strong feelings and being often upset with one another was because we liked each other but didn’t always get how to express it the right way.
Irad, being the monk that she is got defensive but then he and I both quickly explained, no, not sexually or romantically, just as friends or a sort of family that was a bit more acceptable to her.
I was very bitter to not get to be a Jedi and how I probably will never get to be one and I still feel the negative emotions well up when I am around them at certain times because I wanted so badly to have some sort of mentor master-apprentice relationship and someone to help me work out understanding my force abilities with instead of having to figure it out entirely on my own, by myself, with nobody to turn to.
Yeah: Of my four nasty flaws… I have worked on anger and self-loathing but still sometimes mess up at discretion and struggle with bitter envy.
They are a special club that is so open and inclusive to people who are not me. Everybody’s powers and skills blossom explosively and they nurture each other while mine seem to crawl at a sluggish and ponderous rate.
Okay I do have an edge those trained force users don’t if I choose to look at our differences a different way from a certain point of view. I don’t have any fully realized special gifts in the form of advanced abilities, or know anything about special martial arts like they do but 1. my new cybernetics and other medical interventions have made it so that my body is no longer poisoning itself as much, thus extending my lease on life. Also, 2. I’m not so reliant on my use of the force as a proper Jedi or one in training seems to be. If something were to interfere with their connection to it, that would be quite devastating in combat, even potentially fatal. Since I have had to get by without that, I am the stronger for it, although I suspect I am using the force to enhance my physical senses. In particular I hear things such as footsteps, voices and the vibrational hum of machinery in my mind’s eye along with my ears. I have begun to use that to get a generalized feel for the number of people in a room and around me and the type of weapons they are using without having to look as much. It is too inexact to figure out where they are positioned. I cannot do like my former master or Irad can and feel out where hidden people are based on their feelings they give off. I don’t know how to do that. Also I can’t really read minds and interpret feelings of people as well as empaths like Seela and Irad can. The only person whose feelings I can kind of pick up on are Irad’s and I guess that is because we care for one another.
Now for once it feels like time is a bit on my side instead of another card in that stacked deck against me.
I want to use my abilities for good instead of evil, so why is everything pushing me toward darkness?
I have a number of bad psychological habits I still need to break and drugs were only the tip of the iceberg.
Note: Strong feelings seem to mess up force users.
Observation: Dr. Hriste and Irad pointed out my liver and kidney failure was exacerbated by my negative outlook and strong self-directed bad feelings (see: “losing the will to live”). Aha! Dark side wielders use these to hurt other people. I think they also hurt themselves by doing it but are lulled into viewing it as an acceptable trade off for easier access to “greater power.” They often wind up trading their sanity and physical health in that pursuit.
Conclusion: As much as strong feelings seem toxic to wielders of the light side of the force, it isn’t “good” for those who use the dark side either.
A thought: Iradtoki says the Jedi are life but I think she means the light side of the force is positive and life while the dark side of it is decay and death.
Angry. Hurt. Disappointed right back.
Really, really wanted to be a Jedi.
Feels impossible. Goal further away than ever.
Should have died. Friends would not let me die.
Decided to keep going anyway.
Not much to live for. Not sure why I kept will to live.
Others having much easier time.
Some masters, even my old one who refused to ever train me suggested I try again later when I am more mature.
I was in serious medical trouble before and actually dying while being put through such extreme and grueling trials.
Goal always out of reach.
Told I am gifted and have lots of potential. Hate that.
Want to get actually taught. Would like some of that bloody potential to become actual.
I wonder if Jaina likes me.
I think I want to invent an eighth saber form but I don’t know the first seven and nobody is gonna train me. They think I am undeserving because of how I blew a few of the extra tests.
I hate that.
I am not dying anymore but as I had stated before, part of me wishes I had while still deluded enough to think my goal was within my grasp.
From the little bit I have seen, listened to via eavesdropping, gleaned and stolen none of the other styles of saber combat seem to utilize an energy shield. My new little friend… her people invented energy shields. I am thinking Form#8 should be one that uses a one handed saber and shield.
Okay, that is and was significant backsliding on the progress I have made against anger and self hatred.
No, it isn’t worth it. Expressing rage and disgust is not worth hurting your friends and other people around you. Stop that. It goes against everything you might actually stand for.
Everyone needs to feel important and I feel that I am not.
Perhaps I have no value.
That is why I am left out.
How can I prove to these people I am reliable when I screwed up such an important and basic task? How can I try again?
Gratitude ((wip because formatting issues on my tablet))
I am not worthless; I am not good enough but this does not make me worthless.
I am still force sensitive. I am disgusted again like before to think I could try to and wanting to be a Jedi was stupid.
…and yet, I still want it.
Maybe it is my failures I am disgusted with.
The Chiss have a saying: Do not apologize. Strive to do better. Be better.
At its core what is being a Jedi at its most fundamental and primordial level? As is usual, I go off speculation since the true answers are denied me and being straightforward is for others not doing it the most difficult way.
What is a Jedi?
Good. That feels right.
want
The door has been closed but the stage has been set.
Unfortunately you cannot be a Jedi without first getting on their good side. It is an organization quite old and large and they do not need me.
Much as I am loathe to admit, my frustrations are in part based on that I need them.
The bar set is much higher for me, seemingly impossibly so.
My old master didn’t exactly lie when he refused to train me but left clues as to why I would not be able to get to be a Jedi in how it was made harder.
Second, self-hatred. Getting mad at myself for failing does not align me with those whom I have failed with despite it being understanding and agreeing with them that I had.
Third, jealousy. I do not think I was promised things but I get mad when other people seemingly are both much more welcomed and have a much easier time progressing while I struggle.
Fourth, I do not remember. I should ask Irad what the fourth wa-
Oh yes, discretion was what she referred to it as.
Of course people will assume if you slip up there, especially many of them already being guarded, extra private, mistrustful and paranoid (and not always without good reason), that you blab things all the time and are thus a risk to be eliminated and shut out to both limit and contain the possible spread of damage you could potentially cause.
I have really shot myself a blasterbolt to the foot on this one for it is the most grave failure.
I am still force sensitive. I am disgusted again like before to think I could try to and wanting to be a Jedi was stupid.
…and yet, I still want it.
Maybe it is my failures I am disgusted with.
The Chiss have a saying: Do not apologize. Strive to do better. Be better.
At its core what is being a Jedi at its most fundamental and primordial level? As is usual, I go off speculation since the true answers are denied me and being straightforward is for others not doing it the most difficult way.
What is a Jedi?
Good. That feels right.
want
The door has been closed but the stage has been set.
Unfortunately you cannot be a Jedi without first getting on their good side. It is an organization quite old and large and they do not need me.
Much as I am loathe to admit, my frustrations are in part based on that I need them.
The bar set is much higher for me, seemingly impossibly so.
My old master didn’t exactly lie when he refused to train me but left clues as to why I would not be able to get to be a Jedi in how it was made harder.
Second, self-hatred. Getting mad at myself for failing does not align me with those whom I have failed with despite it being understanding and agreeing with them that I had.
Third, jealousy. I do not think I was promised things but I get mad when other people seemingly are both much more welcomed and have a much easier time progressing while I struggle.
Fourth, I do not remember. I should ask Irad what the fourth wa-
Oh yes, discretion was what she referred to it as.
Of course people will assume if you slip up there, especially many of them already being guarded, extra private, mistrustful and paranoid (and not always without good reason), that you blab things all the time and are thus a risk to be eliminated and shut out to both limit and contain the possible spread of damage you could potentially cause.
I have really shot myself a blasterbolt to the foot on this one for it is the most grave failure.
Irad, Althea and Lucas told me to have Seela body scan my new organs and cybernetics in case Lanari may have implanted a bomb or a tracking chip…
…It seems like even when I am not “blabbing” I am still a security risk.
Sigh.
I’m going to try again and again and again.
I’ll keep applying until either they have to kill me to get me to stop or I succeed.
There was no bomb or tracking chip.
Maybe I can ask Oma Lanari and the Chiss for some advice. It’s very important to me to get to become a Jedi but apparently my wanting it so badly is hurting my chances of being one because obsession is a passion.
First they thought I wasn’t serious enough about it and now I am too serious about it. I get it, the rule is Zain has to be wrong no matter what he is doing!
What I don’t get is how you are supposed to not care so much about something you care about.
It seems like a paradox.
It turns out in addition to my technopathy I have a sort of a natural gift for “bodily-kinesthetic learning” and pick up new fighting moves very quickly and easily. Great… just try telling me that isn’t a good trait for a Jedi to have.
What really bugs me about it is I know I’d make a good one. I just… don’t know how to get another chance.
Working on regulating temper, self-loathing and impatience.
Althea showed me and Irad the first two of the seven saber combat forms and talked about the others.
They are both padawans. I wish I could be one too still.
Winning the Order over after I screwed up so big my last trial is gonna be hard.
I’ll be really nice to my new master even if it is the same one as my old master. That’d be good right off the bat.
I want to try again.
Okay I am obsessed with it. I may never get to be a Jedi.
I can still be a light side of the force user who focuses in melee use of a light saber… which is what a Jedi is supposed to be, kind of basically.
I can keep applying tenets of the code to various aspects of my life.
I don’t know how to get the Jedi Order to forgive me. I don’t know how to impress them. It was already hard the first time where I was completely clueless and promises to be even harder the second time.
Well change isn’t easy but when it’s something worthwhile, you’ll adjust.
Why does this matter so much to me?
I feel as though there is more good I can do as a Jedi than as not one.
It’s not a thing to be able to brag about no but the amount of discipline, emphasis on self control and simplistic, clean healthy living they all value appeals to me.
My Chiss adoptive family offered me an interesting proposal.
If I gave up on trying to be a Jedi and using the force, I could become an officer in their people’s navy and we’d be like one big, happy space battling family if we all got assigned to the same ship. I’d be the only non Chiss but I get enough of their culture and language…
There’s a problem with that though I don’t think Captain Adush noticed.
His father is an admiral. He’ll have a hard time commanding the respect of his crew if there’s allegations of nepotism and Chiss are big on meritocracy, right? If I get a position just for being his adopted son that would build resentment… as the only biologically non Chiss on board I’d constantly stick out like a sore thumb, undermining him in front of his peers for having “a soft spot” towards the “pink monkey”. Okay it’s for his own good I don’t take him up on it.
I thought she was my friend.
My “best friend” had no faith in me at all, told people I was unhinged with dark tendencies and told me she would do everything she could to keep me from ever becoming a Jedi because she thought I would turn evil. I was so upsetted by it that I relapsed into being an alcoholic.
Oh they want a bad guy? People want me TO BE A BAD GUY?!
I kept doing the right thing while getting beaten down and continually told not good enough. That is the best way to turn someone evil.
You try to do the right things.
You want to help people.
You aren’t “the right” person though.
This is garbage.
And Lucas that slime of a Corellian, poisoning her ear cones and ruining our friendship. Why?!
I sought guidance to understand these powers better. I kept coming away from it pushed away and brushed aside.
I use the force to aide me in crafting objects and to heighten my physical senses.
I quit alcohol and drugs for her and for the Jedi Code. Why do I keep busting my ass for such sanctimonious blowhards who will never want me to be with them anyway?!
Why do I keep trying to do and be the right things and being consistently punished for it?
She said it hurt her more than it hurt me for her to be doing it… and I said how exactly does it hurt you? I know how hard you were working for it.
What the actual… [expletive deleted]?
And then she hung up, but it turned out she didn’t hang up, that was Lucas grabbing her comm and cutting our contact.
Ugh, I shouldn’t be ruining the second replacement liver Oma Lanari and Dr. H gave me.
My blue saber Regret and it’s red twin Loss go pretty well together. They are fast and strong.
I recycled my force robes. Since I’m to never get to become one, why dress like one?
In my drunkenness even though I kept asserting I wasn’t angry at her I told Irad “Leave me alone, dream crusher.”
In seeking to prove everyone wrong I ended up proving them right.
I can’t help but wonder if Peace is a Lie.
We seek it but conflict can be just as natural.
I wish I had a teacher to help me reign in this negativity.
Ma said talk to Oma about anger management. Oma the dark Jedi.
Well, on the bright side, she probably knows a ton about living with strong negative feelings but not hurting everybody with it all the time.
Ugh that entry above was the drunken enraged me. My dark side.
My inner monster.
I worked out a little bit how to calmly bend plants, not do plant surge the way Hohenfel does but I can coax cut flowers to coil around into rings or wreaths and I made her some while we made up. It still won’t… nothing can erase the pain I caused her and other people around me but she knows it now at least that underneath that anger, confusion and pain there are some positive feelings there too.
My powers and abilities keep getting stronger. Ugh…
The more I seek guidance the more I get pushed away.
I need to conquer that darkness.
No one will teach me. When I try to be good I get punished.
Maybe I am supposed to be evil.
Yes, that makes a lot of sense. Be evil because you aren’t supposed to be one of the good guys. Only the well-liked people get to be considered “good guys”.
I was a bad guy once. I did not like it. I got a taste of what being good and helping people could feel like when I was with her and Teh.
It is familiar though and more comfortable a pattern than being good.
Some people can probably sense I used to be bad and feel weird when I help them.
The only way to become a type of Jedi now is to become a dark one.
Hello evil path. You call to me, you say… instead of being punished as not good enough for being good, why not be the bad guy you always were supposed to be? From before you got soft and found other people to care about. They must be laughing at you. They don’t care about you back. Show them your true power! No, not yet. It is not the right time yet. Also, be quiet you! I don’t want to hurt my friends.
YOU HAVE NO TRUE FRIENDS! That is why all those people stood there staring at you drunken and miserable!
The Chiss have been nicest to me. Even if I go full on dark side I can remember they have always appreciated my help. They adopted me as one of their own, too.
NO. STOP THAT! DON’T LET IT OUT AGAIN! DON’T HURT YOUR FRIENDS! THIS IS WHY YOU HATE YOURSELF!
If peace is a lie and there are only passions… hmm.
Father said I should apologize to Lucas. Irad said apologizing to him would help prove I am not evil. Ugh what would she know? Why does he want me to do it? Lucas is a jerk… To be the bigger man I guess? He’ll probably spit in my face.
You are a cyborg much stronger and higher endurance than an unmodified regular human. Also you are force sensitive. It is a testament to your self-control which you do have you have not splattered people’s heads on the pavement for crossing you.
Ugh. That is the darkness inside talking again.
Andro gave me a little doll he made. He said he knew I was going through a lot of pain. He talks simple but he’s got a weird cleverness to him. I made him a droid finger to replace the one Jex took from him and I think probably ate. He can get Seela to attach it for him. I wonder why he or anybody might look up to a mess like me. That is odd.
I am Vrarc’Kalan’Zain. Dad says we are honorable. Apparently apologizing to that Corellian is something I need to do he says too. Fine fine, I’ll do it!
So I apologized to Lucas. I still feel messed up about Irad and the Jedi…,
And I struggle to contain and control these dark feelings.
https://media.tenor.com/images/964fd072aa210675126d3bac9452b27c/tenor.gif
I have to be a better person, for her, for myself, for my adopted family and everybody else around me. AT THIS, FAILURE IS NOT AN ACCEPTABLE RECOURSE.
Oma will teach me and she is powerful.
We will work to conquer my anger problem and understand my force powers.
I am grateful too that Althea is still my friend.
She gave me some advice to think positively and we came up with the start of a strategy to fight my darkness within.
So since my force abilities seem to be rooted in strong feelings… as Althea and I put together and dear Irad worried about… I have strong dark side potential.
Althea said though: Zain, this choice is yours. The dark side is, yes, like a drug. The more you use it, the more you want to use it and the more it consumes and uses you.
The force doesn’t come to us, it is an extension of us… she said. Those are things for me to think about.
You have the power to change and be the better person. I believe in you, your best friend Iradtoki (I guess and hope might still), and your Chiss family does. The question is: can you?
She didn’t… judge me harshly for relapsing or tell me I was a bad person for having dark tendencies I struggled against.
Althea is pretty wizard.
I have been being kinder toward Irad and she suggested to me I take back up sabercrafting. I haven’t made a light saber since my relapse into alcohol and our fight. I’ve been sober again… it feels… like my goal is still as unattainable as it ever was.
Well, Althea said that I pledge to use my talents and force abilities to help people is a good start.
))
My mind is clear and serene… although my hand is a controlled explosion.
https://i.imgur.com/XIJyvMv.gif
I have to prove the Jedi Order and Irad wrong about me.
The way I’ll do that is by being a great fighter and the most honorable one around!
How dare those Jedi and my former master insist and declare I am unworthy and unfit of receiving training. I am a force sensitive individual with great untapped fully unrealized combat abilities and I pledge to use them for the cause of good.
https://memestatic1.fjcdn.com/thumbnails/comments/I+honestly+prefer+burning+finger+and+sekiha+tenkyoken+_e429812ec94994cfce8ae5492e4cca9f.gif
I’ll have to become better than the Jedi and the Sith. Be truly phenomenal.
The Electric Fist technique… by tapping into the excess vented energy and shunting it out through my hands I taze an opponent.
https://66.media.tumblr.com/dccbd682650ef0e26414d6ff07edafc6/tumblr_mqaxc20n0H1rjxyrgo2_250.gif
Progress: Near fluency in Cheunh.
Full-Armored-Power-Gloves: Next phase.
https://fsmedia.imgix.net/40/ab/49/3d/e338/469a/9747/91184b824855/donald-pierces-arm-in-logan.jpeg?rect=0%2C95%2C1080%2C540&auto=format%2Ccompress&dpr=2&w=650
