I tell people who explain being force sensitive to seek out the new Jedi temple.
The very same Order which refused to allow me to be a part… why do I still help them out and cling to that fervent dream to be a knight?
Irad is more distant than before. I think that we were bonding probably led to some stronger feelings than she was used to dealing with even though following my detoxifying and healing process I have made it a point to be kinder towards her.
Perhaps if Jedi are not allowed feelings or to deal with feelings she is right in that their path is not one for me.
I can like some things about the Jedi but that doesn’t take away that I failed some of the tests and trials while ill, dying and grappling with madness.
I have taken up serious martial arts pursuit and retraining on Oma Lanari and my adoptive father Captain Adush’s advisement with one caveat.
I will not give up the lightsaber. I still seek to craft the ultimate saber and become increasingly adept in their use.
What is a Jedi, truly? Is it not someone who uses the force and a light saber to help people?
I have reached a new level of excellence in armorcraft. Yet this victory rings hollow somehow…
It is as my Oma said, mastery and expertise are but stepping stones. Without a broader goal… and right now all I have is the vague framework of be a champion and hero, I will falter.
I wonder what sort of hidden meaning there is in Irad’s dream. A man with no eyes and a hideous voice that pierces deep through you… and only a little bit of what he said being memorable but the impressions being ominous or sinister… It probably means something. The galaxy is big and strange though maybe he was a species of alien like the miralukans who have no eyes and see through the force? Well, she said he had hollow sockets with an inky void to them… that could mean he lost his eyesight or it could even mean the man had black eyes with no discernible sclera/pupil/iris. Symbolism combined with fragments of recovered past… that’s tricky. She should ask the masters about that.
I’d ask them for help but that I am often told to do it myself and they do not want me and I cannot be one of their member, yet.
Yes if you want help and struggle that must mean you cannot deserve it. God that was frustrating.
Maybe I want it because I cannot have it?
You mustn’t want power for its own sake. A sense of purpose is better!
What I seek is to gain understanding.
I no longer use a shield. My two twin sabers Loss with its red beam and Regret with its blue beam are emblematic of that we all have a mixture of good and evil in us. Somewhere there is a statement about balance to be made there and they are well made. My talent for crafting continues to increase but I only derive joy from it either during the process of creation or when I know the finished object is going to help someone. Those are what make the act of making meaningful overall. However sometimes just embracing the challenge aspect and pushing past old limits can be rewarding too. I guess I enjoy most of the act of creating.
Why do I wish to help her? What spark there may have been and of what I am not sure but it is locked away somewhere. That isn’t why.
I am showing her greater compassion than she showed me, but why?
Am I that driven to outjedi the Jedi?
Am I so competitive that I am trying to outkindness my own friend back at her?
What am I talking about? She used her own life energy to stabilize me while my kidney and liver were failing.
Maybe I miss the hugs.
Something as simple and silly as that.
The nurturing power of touch is a strange and fundamentally simple but effective thing, yes?
Adush and Lanari say they love me as family. The Chiss have been far kinder to me than the Republic. Their ways while seeming cold and logical on the outside have a sort of compassionate collectivism on the inside behind it. That’s the way they have evolved.
