Second Chances (Zain Kalan)

I hate feeling useless.
Those bounty hunters and their assassin droid were way out of our league. What CAN I do to even the odds?

I’m just a former biker, a force sensitive, a cyborg and a pilot. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO STAND UP TO SLAVERS AND… GRRR.


Okay, blowing off steam by fragging pirates lurking in the asteroid belt helps me feel better. Probably more than it should.
That is something concrete I can do to make the space lanes safer. It makes the lives of travelers better.
It’s a little good deed even somebody as pathetic and not special as I am can pull off.
I’m good at it. Wow. I’m actually really getting the hang of this.
Maybe the force helps me a little here and there. There’s something remarkable about being in space, truly.
The pirate fleets are an enemy that is in my own league; Somebody I can square off against.

Those damnable hutts… I have enough twi’lek and Wookiee friends that those slavers would be on my sh*t list.

I’m not a knight. I’m not a hero. I try to be a good guy. There’s gotta be options for the rest of us who don’t fit the whole “we have incredibly selective standards you cannot hope to ever meet” thing.
I just want to do the right thing and be able to help and protect people, dammit.

<Epiphany:>

Will I ever be able to grasp a destiny?
I don’t know.

Will anything I do matter in the balance and struggle?
Who can say.

Does anything a person who is not part of a religious order or any army have to contribute matter in things at all on the slightest?

Also, what could I do to help the Ascendancy that has more or less adopted me? What can I do to help my Chiss family? Where are they? What are they up to? Who knows? That whole consulate has been strangely silent for almost it seems like a month or so now.

I don’t know what’s going on anymore.

I need a cause to support. Getting stronger and trying to somehow prove my worthiness to organizations to be taken on and mentored by one or some of them isn’t going to work. I can’t rely on them helping me out to get to where I need to be and what I need to become in order to help and protect my friends. They aren’t going to likely even want to.

What can I do on my own, by myself to right these wrongs and help ease this suffering around me?
There has to be something I can do!

Individual members of different groups have helped me in ways. Okay, I need to be grateful to the mentoring I did manage to get… even to the stuck up Jedi. They did not have to attempt teaching me those fundamentals.
Lanari did not need to show me a brutally effective martial arts training regimen.
My guardian Captain Adush did not have to train me in his military styled physical conditioning.
Seela, Althea, Irad, Hohenfel… even Sandra who I feel like very much may disdain me had explained the principles of basic telekinesis and such. To me… an undeserving force sensitive who her Order found wanting. My former master, he didn’t have to give me those bits of motivational advice after I had failed his tests and gotten expelled.

Maybe there is a lot of wonderful in my life I have not been being grateful enough to. Could it be that this is what drives me to fight to protect and is why I can’t stand bounty hunters, assassin droids and other scum and villainous denizens of the underworld, people who are evil hurting these actually nice and hardworking people trying to simply do the right thing all for their own selfish or misguided gain?
Conscience kicks in. It’s about time!

It was always there in the background. I just… was not very good at articulating it.
So many gave to a simple wretch like me… So yeah, I want to work to get more powerful so I can adequately protect them against threats like that. It’s the most suitable way I can give back in the only way I know how, pathetic as that may sound.

They didn’t even want anything back. Largely. Now those are people worth helping.

image https://vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/starwars/images/0/0c/MaleFringer.jpg/revision/latest/scale-to-width-down/150?cb=20060125055904
Self-repair system and regenerator implant are fried from exposure to dirty swamp water and Andro’s force lightning. So is my subdermal comm link.
We were so close to finding a cure to the fungal parasite in that miserable swamp! Gah!
Well, Seela and Althea helped clean the mud and gunk out of my arms and made sure my spinal augmentation was scrubbed too. My vocabulator was damaged beyond repair as well and they replaced it with a new one.

A sweet note or two from Sylia. I miss her.

https://vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/star-wars-legends/images/5/54/Deela_Quellor.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20150826004140
Hmm… a Bespin Motors swoop? I do like the lines on it. She suggested that one over the Mobquet or Aratech ones… well, as long as it has a collision deflector and a space to put a picnic basket that’s fine with me!

https://forums.starwarsnwn.com/uploads/default/original/1X/ee7880262b9840d5dd388c34df7d4772b6184e9a.jpeg

Running low on stronidium. Need to mine and refine more.
The laser cannons on my fighter really guzzle through a lot of it.
Althea and Seela suggested I also buy a pair of larger stronidium tanks from Kho… since apparently he can make those. I only know how to make the smaller ones.

It makes me angry and sad being inconsequential.
I am a curiosity at best and a nuisance at worst.

I am still a man.
I have some bionics and cybernetics.
As a cyborg, lightning (especially force lightning) is not my friend.

Do I get to have a destiny and fate too?
Maybe only important and well enough liked people who get to become influential get to have those.

What is your destiny is an important question for many people in the galaxy. Scholars, soldiers, workers, children, criminals… We all ask it at various points in our lives.

I need to move Sylia’s building over so Czerka, the Republic… which ever group it is who wants to can finish their construction. I’m not sure how.
Somebody shot at the tower today. I guess that’s one way to move things but I’d prefer we don’t lose all the stuff in storage and crafting benches, honestly!

A congress of snakes attacked me on Mon Cala and I began to get overwhelmed by the number of them. A few is fine but there kept being more of them so I had to flee.

Also, the swamp bugs laid eggs in us. Lucas and I had to go through the disgusting process of physically removing the bug larvae from our skin/outer flesh.
The cure might well be in the swamp somewhere but I don’t recommend going back there without copious amounts of insect repellent.

I wonder how long it will take Seela to build me a new self-repair system, regenerator implant and subdermal commlink.

Maybe I am trying to do too much.
One guy can’t fix everything.


I shouldn’t have taken my restored and augmented health for granted.
I’m still… sturdy even without it running optimally but the infection rages and that infestation was very unsettling.

I’ll keep working to improve my connection to the force with what original flesh parts I still have remaining in me; It feels like I am close to halfway decent at aura and healing now.
I guess I’m a true master at effectively wearing and using heavy armor, too.

Piloting and dogfights against the space pirates are truly fascinating, also.
I’ll ride this thing out and keep fighting it.
I have to ask myself though if surviving and living is truly worth it sometimes though; That’s frustrating beyond belief if you stop and think about it. This is probably why most people do what they can not to concern themselves with it.

Work with what you have and try not to need to rely too much on others. There may be absolutely no way to prove yourself of worth and truly worthy of membership in any organization regardless of your deeds and exploits and that’s just life.

Niggling self-doubts are annoying. Our own inner critics like to keep us in check I suppose to keep ourselves from growing too bold and brazen but this urge goes overboard and can be rather flawed when taken to its logical yet irrational most extreme conclusion!
I am sick and tired of feeling like unworthy garbage incapable of being useful or of value!
I do it to myself…


Hmm, this is speculative but I wonder if overcoming hopelessness is one of the Jedi padawan trials. It probably is.
Expecting people to instantly and innately know it all ahead of time when starting out is crappy teaching!
… Okay, I am letting go of the residual anger now.
That was past and should stay in the past. It is of no use to me now in the present and will hold me back from succeeding in the future.

In place of the anger I held
I will substitute for it a greater zest and zeal for life.


I WILL be an effective guardian.
I’ll demonstrate my usefulness and being worthy despite what was said and is felt and thought by protecting the Jedi. I’ll master martial arts to aide me in this.

Several of my friends are Jedi obviously, for crying out.
I can’t die. Not yet.
Somebody has to protect them from stuff… including themselves.
I could be that somebody.

Def system check sum…
initializing query.

‘Cybernetics.sys()… run diagnostic check:’
indexing. Cueing response

Result: System damaged.
Internal systems: self repair()

Error traceback. Can not access self-repair function. Module offline or missing.

“It’s not missing damnit! Andro’s lightning played havoc on it. It probably got its data corrupted and fragmented.”

Synthetic organs: Stable but could use tune up.

Status liver:
Functioning.

Status kidney:
Functioning.

Status heart:
Functioning.

Check Status: regenerator implant.
If functioning: Then output = fine
Elif: Then output= Not fine.

OUTPUT = NOT FINE. BAD BAD NOT GOOD.
Output is != good , in other words.
“Well shit.”

Error. Part “Self-healing regenerator implant” unable to be found. Device missing or destroyed.

Return diagnostic result on subdermal commlink.
Error. Part “subdermal commlink” unable to be found.
Device missing or destroyed.


I am sick and tired of my cybernetics and health being compromised all the time. I’m going to get to the root of what is wrong and we’re gonna fix it.
We’ll get rid of the parasites.
We’ll get the trashed implants replaced.
The corrupted systems will be overhauled and reset.

I am a skilled saber crafter. Please do not let it end like this…
I want my health back. I want my second chance.
I am tired of my cybernetics being on the fritz.
I am worthier of being taught. I have to be.
I don’t know how to be.

This upsets me.


I’ve done it and become a martial arts expert and master of heavy armor. Now… what do I do with it?

I have to get better, dammit.

Where are Seela, Althea and Irad?

Where is everyone? … I hate being alone.

My two sabers, one red one blue keep me company.

You have no idea how hard I work at this.

You think it’s just some selfish quest to accumulate power and influence but it’s a struggle for relevancy to be able to be something more important and to impact people’s lives somehow… even in a pathetic way to have some sort of a positive effect.
You deem me unworthy. Too chaotic. Too selfish for wanting to protect my friends…
The only thing I have left is… what?
My sanity and health come and go and are taken from me.
I don’t want power for the sake of it but to be able to try and protect my friends from truly horrible things and people.

Maybe that isn’t what the Jedi or the Sith would prefer to be about.
Just… the trouble is it doesn’t feel like I have any part in this. I am an extra player and an unnecessary ingredient to this ensemble.

Why do I train so hard? Why despite being told constantly that I am not good enough and will never be pure enough to be one of the good guys… well maybe sometimes when fate spits in your eye, you wipe it off and get back to work at trying to make something of things. Anything, rather than let it always be so meaningless.
Maybe that is imposing an order on the chaos.

I obtained a light cannon from my defeated space pirate foes… it has upgraded the firepower of my small fighter craft considerably.
I am still looking to get a second medium stronidium tank for powering the shields and guns.

Do I resent the Republic and the Jedi for existing?! No…
I resent them for not allowing me to be a part when I could very well help.
So I train on my own. While they believe themselves so much better and above the average man despite what they claim to represent and who they profess to serve.
Me? I’m a nobody who has evaded what should have likely been my death more times than you or I care to keep count.

Trust in anything even the force is quite difficult though it has never… really left me hanging, the more I think about it.

People get confused by me.
How can someone with two prosthetic limbs and 3 synthetic organs plus one but formerly two augmentations possibly channel the force?
While true, I am not as potent in such abilities as one with more formal training and who has all their original body parts intact - I believe in working with what you have.
I’d like to help in their efforts just do not feel welcome to doing so.
Maybe the right thing is not about going where you are wanted but in doing things because others will not.
My own purpose and cause… Do I get to have one of those or is it only for the extremely fortunate, well-liked and valued ones? Society’s elites…
They get to have it without working for it. Not as hard as we do, arguably then are content to sit on their laurels and lecture us about being not deserving of what we work towards. Hmm, how about that? It does smack of irony and hypocrisy, now doesn’t it? As though they could possibly have any idea of what the common man or woman does go through in their day to day lives? Oh, I’m so sorry… did I touch a nerve by being from the working-lower class and a reformed criminal rather than the gentleman adventurer of the leisure class everyone espouses to be most like and emulate?

Maybe, just maybe, heroes get to come from all walks of life and anyone else who tells you different are completely full of [expletive deleted] and themselves.

I wanted to become a Jedi Knight to be a paragon example to other lower class toughs that you could turn your life around for the better without having to become some sort of gang lord or anything messed up like that.
Granted, I was off to a rough beginning having fled an abusive home situation to join a swoop gang but eventually that problem managed to sort of resolve itself in that funny way that fate does.
I ruin people’s neat little idea of what a good guy is supposed to be like.
They don’t want to get saved by you if you aren’t thoroughly perfect in breeding, station and manners.
When your cards are down on the table and you have a crap hand and you owe the tough guys an obscene amount of money, when there’s other trouble like that these white gloved, lily livered upper crusters think they can simply talk their way out of or use subterfuge via mindtricks… remember who’s got your back, baby.
If it’s a bar fight or some slimy slaver… I don’t think they’re gonna care all that’s much about any high falutin’ rules of engagement, buddy.

That’s what he would have said. Gone now obviously but you know, in your past certain people help whether knowingly or not to shape who you become. Experiences do too.
Who am I using as a narrative advice, kid? Well, maybe I’ll explain later if you are still interested but chances are you aren’t.
You were expecting fast chases, loose women, funny aliens and crazy fights? Heh, that’s not what an adventure is about. It’s a part of it and an at times exhilarating downright atmospheric part of it, but not the only part.
Oh, maybe oh think it’s about treasure too? Nah!
That ain’t it either.
Look, okay? Every speck of light you see there in the night sky is a system, yeah? Most of them have loads of worlds on ‘em just teaming with life.
Think you have problems? For every local issue in your own life or your home planet there’s gonna be some tyrant far away in another’s oppressing and exploiting an entire people you might not have even known existed. How’s that for some perspective?
Oh, you think I’m just feelin’ sorry for myself Mr. why don’t they let me play in your stupid club too & aren’t I good enough yet?
Look, that’s the trap and how they get ya. Don’t get tangled up in that shit kid.

Okay to answer that question the figure was a parole officer assigned to the gang I was in as a teenager. When the other members all died or got incarcerated… it was one of the local precinct’s beat cops, a member of their Security Task Force, I’m not even joking. He was like: I could impound your bike right now. You’re the last Viper… the problem with that is kid, I don’t think you’d learn anything from that. Here’s the key back, do try to stay out of trouble, yeah? I grew up in the same lower city section of slum district as you, ya know. You the Kalan kid? What do you mean your parents disowned ya for not going into being a mailman like the rest? Well, that ain’t right either.
The CSF officer’s comm picked up a distress call about another crime in progress further down the skyway.
Look kid, I don’t want to have to keep telling ya to fly right but make some good choices. Maybe you could even go legit, huh? I… I gotta take this one. They need all the patrollers they can get it’s a heavy robbery. Stay out of the holonews, yeah?
And just like that he didn’t turn a blind eye, but he did let me off with a warning when he could have turned me in for hooliganism.
Yeah, he was pretty alright… for a CSF anyway.

So for a pretty long time actually I have wanted to be a knight… so why was I hesitant about joining the enclave the first time Hohenfel offered back when they took in Irad?
I’m used to having a somewhat shadier past and I wasn’t sure they’d want somebody like me.
When I failed a few of the extra initiation tests that came beyond memorizing the code, pledging to use the force for good to preserve all life and constructing my own lightsaber… then it became apparent they did not want me…yet.
image https://vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/starwars/images/9/9e/SpaceportPoliceDroid-SWE.png/revision/latest?cb=20160914004236
However, many of them including the masters did tell me to try again and I still have people whom I would consider good friends who just so happen to be jedis.

I resent that I am not getting to be one.
I feel like I should be one and could be one,
Maybe not as a shadow sentinel but a guardian perhaps?

https://vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/starwars/images/d/d9/TanDivoInsignia-SenateMurders.svg/revision/latest?cb=20100320151508
Can you imagine, me, being any sort of a patrol officer carrying a set of binder cuffs?
Heh. That CSF underworld policeman who happened to be our parole officer might well get a kick out of that.
https://vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/starwars/images/c/c1/Coruscant_Underworld_Police_SaV.png/revision/latest?cb=20181122230945
Maybe he influenced the younger me more in how I grew up than I would have given him credit. I ha e always fought for greater fairness in things.
https://vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/starwars/images/c/c0/CSFpolicedroids.png/revision/latest?cb=20130519182055
I kind of like that notion of being a man on the street who does not consider himself too far above the average citizen whom he or she is sworn to protect and serve.
https://www.jobelser.org/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/lightsaber.jpg
That’s the kind of Jedi I would like to most become.
Somebody who helps and is also kind of a nightmare to those who prey on the weak. Eventually I hope that will be me. A more urban focused one.
https://vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/starwars/images/d/db/Separatist_binders.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20070319144414
I would argue that maybe, my reasons for wanting to become a Jedi weren’t in fact bad but that I was not good at articulating them. Did anybody stop and ask me why?; No, they assumed it was some sort of lust for power and other bad things.
In fact the only reason I am working so hard to get more powerful and hone my skills is to be better able to withstand threats and to protect my friends.

This is to live and survive.
These people do not, they choose not - to understand that.
Maybe Althea and Seela and the masters do understand that. That must be why I got told to try again.

Okay, I’ve had time to hone these skills and work on my self-discipline. I think I will be ready soon to ask for another chance. The question is… when will they be ready?

They say a Jedi must make many sacrifices. Self sacrifices that is. Not sacrificing other people obviously.

I want to help people just I’m not always sure the best way of how to.

The lucid dreams are something else.

I found out Sandra contracted the fungal parasite too.
Lucas and I were wrong… it isn’t just primarily targeting people weak in the force or who don’t know how to or can’t use the force after all.
This is troubling.

This is most annoying.
It can’t be that every single Jedi padawan was raised by Jedi at a very early age.
That wasn’t the case for Irad and Aedan or Jaycen.
I want to apply again.

https://i.pinimg.com/originals/4d/78/6d/4d786d658ce1c946e3ac2b8e05a576ea.jpg

A flashback… our parole officer was an underworld CSF patrolman but one time I noticed a metal tube clipped to his belt over one hip. I never asked about it and he never explained. Was it a lightsaber?

https://images-wixmp-ed30a86b8c4ca887773594c2.wixmp.com/f/0c024737-290a-4231-9d12-6c354bf735c9/dbjrxeh-d35fd0ff-8b89-4033-bc5e-eac316c6d6db.jpg/v1/fill/w_726,h_1101,q_70,strp/jedi_investigator_by_cosmow_dbjrxeh-pre.jpg?token=eyJ0eXAiOiJKV1QiLCJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiJ9.eyJzdWIiOiJ1cm46YXBwOjdlMGQxODg5ODIyNjQzNzNhNWYwZDQxNWVhMGQyNmUwIiwiaXNzIjoidXJuOmFwcDo3ZTBkMTg4OTgyMjY0MzczYTVmMGQ0MTVlYTBkMjZlMCIsIm9iaiI6W1t7ImhlaWdodCI6Ijw9MTA2MzYiLCJwYXRoIjoiXC9mXC8wYzAyNDczNy0yOTBhLTQyMzEtOWQxMi02YzM1NGJmNzM1YzlcL2RianJ4ZWgtZDM1ZmQwZmYtOGI4OS00MDMzLWJjNWUtZWFjMzE2YzZkNmRiLmpwZyIsIndpZHRoIjoiPD03MDE2In1dXSwiYXVkIjpbInVybjpzZXJ2aWNlOmltYWdlLm9wZXJhdGlvbnMiXX0.rWQ3gvu7npRk9UNtTNTUbQ6QkqFZehSNT3EslNd2cW4

Could he have been a Jedi Investigator undercover?

https://img.fireden.net/tg/image/1451/14/1451146580326.jpg

I don’t know. That changes things though…

https://evcitadel.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/bgd-swtor_battle_of_bothawui.jpg

Okay let’s look at the experiences I have had.
A lot of my friends, some very nice people who have helped me out through some really hard, even nightmarish stuff have been jedis.
I am force sensitive. I like using a light saber.
Logically… I’ve gotta do some stuff to help give back to them properly, but what?

I’ve been atoning for some months now…, but it isn’t enough.
There has to be something more I can do to help support the local Jedi Enclave.

Irritatingly, people probably don’t think I’m sorry at all.
Sure I’ll bluster my way through but I really…
… I don’t hate them.

I don’t want to never get the chance to learn. That’s messed up.
The reason I studied and honed sabercraft, along with my other combat skills to the extent and degree I did was to protect people and be a Jedi.
I know they mostly aren’t warriors. Some are defenders though.
They do it to support truth and justice and they fight against tyranny.
These are honorable things.

Not parading around you think you are a cut above the rest and better than those you want to help and protect.
I think a Proper Jedi should be… humble about it. The masters for the most part… I think part of their wisdom is they must understand the value of all living things while probably remaining aware that even having a strong connection with the force doesn’t put you above the cosmos. You are still a part of it.

I concentrate on details of nonliving materials and my grasp over living relationships is weak but analytical.

What was it Hohenfel and Seela among others had speculated? How the way I do it (how I approach my craft) is a sort of a reflection of ways other force users sense life because I could be picking up or operating on trace resonance or residues of the living that came into contact with these materials… that or emotional energy absorbed into the minerals?

It’s not really a power per se, but a way of “looking” at things.

I would love to talk to one. I know what I concretely did wrong was not following that order I was given to the letter. I improvised and did what in my heart seemed the right thing…, because I was biased and had some feelings towards the reconnaissance target. I never, it didn’t… that doesn’t matter now.
I miss her too. She was fun, and really kinda nice when you got to know her.
The other target is no longer an element to be concerned about either but oh my the possibilities of could haves… the could have gone so much worses. I bet that’s what Revan had to deal with even higher scorn over by the high council during the trial for his decision to with those who were of like mind to him join in the Republic war effort against the Mandalorians.

One girl is not the same scale as the population of multiple planets. I understand their harshness towards Revan, somewhat. He put much at risk without… fully taking all ramifications into account.
He followed his heart and yeah, got swayed by passions and not just compassion.

I have spent much time in space meditating on these things.

Everyone has light and dark both in them. It’s probably a matter more of which aspect you choose to nurture more.

There is one truth I don’t think many people realize about “great” conflicts… nobody really ‘wins.’ Some people kill another people… those who remain are bitter about what they perceive as an assault… it begets more violence and retaliations down the road. A blood stained road paved in burnt and ground down bones.
And there is nothing honorable in that.

When there is no emotion, then there is peace.

When there is no chaos, there is harmony.

I don’t get it.
Everybody always saying they think I’m not good enough.
That internal critic too. That’s the darkness inside.
Okay. I do get it.
So here’s the thing… that is kept at bay and in check by your inner light.
Pretty cool, right?


Every time I encounter a new force sensitive I send him or her to the Jedi.

It’s not a point counting tally or anything.
I wonder if they appreciate that.
Sure I still struggle with my own imperfections but that’s just part of being alive.

I hope these others can get the guidance to achieve their balance and not succumb too hard to the dark side…
Meanwhile, I continue to drift in a mess of thoughts and feelings I sift through and sort out.

I should write some letters to Sylia, Irad and maybe one of the masters.

I recognize now that it is a mistake to compare yourself to others. Everyone progresses at their own rate.

I think I understand my own feelings better now.
In place of where there was jealously I now have some understanding.

I have… a lot of friends. Not everyone can be so blessed in this way.
Lucas, Althea, Seela.
I don’t know that Sandra and her padawans Jaycen and Aedan would be able to understand what I go through. They are not my enemies though.
It is alright to have these differences. In the grand scheme of things it does not so much matter as to affect things too greatly. Not overall.
Also, they have in their own ways even tried to help.

The truth is everybody has mostly tried to help me. I have not been… as grateful to them all as I could be.

Maybe the path toward redemption does not elude me and thinking it does is also just a thing that is in my head.
YOU HEAR THAT FORCE PARASITE!?!!

It would seem that power without understanding of its limitations and proper use is not a gift but a curse. Take that dark side.

Perhaps, it is in knowing of the better way to use and slowly cultivate it one can be a boon to those around him or herself rather than a bane. …Is that the essence of the light side?
I really should have a serious ethical and philosophical talk with a Jedi about some of this stuff.

Speculating about it on my own can only get somebody so far…

Be at peace with yourself, secure in knowledge of who and what you are. The rest, such as your purpose in things comes later.

Caring about people is not bad; worrying about losing them is bad.
That last line in the oath’s code I think addresses this. “There is no death… there is only the force.”

Think about it. We may lose our physical shells but the legacy of our actions, our deeds and misdeeds have their ripples. The Mirialans and certain other peoples would call these threads to the web of fate. Even after people are physically gone, their impact leaves traces and your memory of them is itself still alive in a way. That part still is.