Second Chances (Zain Kalan)

[GeneticsLuke]

I didn’t want to have to kill those bounty hunters.
I gave them the option to go home and rethink their lives. I also said “we can do this the easy way or the hard way and I for one much prefer the hard way.” They just kept attacking me and Aedan, setting us on fire.
So that was self defense.
It’s kind of annoying they keep trying to go after me to get Irad.

Then Master Vrake crashlanded in the side of the mountain. He was ranting about an ungodly powerful enemy on Mon Cala and demanded to be taken to the Republic Base.
I used all the force healing I could muster but the most I could do was keep his two hearts beating and slow the blood loss. Huh, turns out he was a zabrak. Suspicion confirmed. And we did take him there to the infirmary.

Irad told me it would take many, many years before I could get another chance to be a Jedi, that everybody knew how much I wanted to become one and that I had to keep just trying other things and pretending to not want to be one. I don’t think she gets it.
I don’t think I’ll ever be able to convince the Order either.

Andro says it was the right thing to do anyway (the rescues) and we agreed that knowing it was will just have to be good enough.

I reached a new level of mastery in crafting but for some reason… despite having made my very best helmet yet and being in the process of making a phenomenal new blaster pistol that heals you with micro injections of kolto when a biosensor on it detects a drop in your vital signs… I can’t help being unable to escape the feeling I should have been a knight.

Thinking about it though that is a shift on her part from last time which was “I will always oppose you ever becoming a Jedi with every last fiber of my being (because I think you are evil and obsessed).”
I have gained some confidence in my abilities and experience now that I was lacking before.

[GeneticsLuke]

Note to self: Really should not share hopes and dreams with Irad anymore. At least, not the ones you really care about. That’s the only way to not have it get dashed in?

Seela seemed more bent out of shape I come to her with bad news than that there are problems to be in need of fixing, too. I had thought Jedis were supposed to be all about trying to mend the galaxy around them though? Fancy that!

Felt a brief glimpse of what I had always felt being a knight was supposed to be like that day against the grenadiers from the cartel and when Aedan and I saved Master Vrake.

I could use what I am learning and my new levels of skill in crafting to build an incredibly sophisticated and complete suit of body armor… somehow though I feel as though this has been done before in the past and not ended well.
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Just a brief glimmer of renewed hope for a moment…

Well, when we rescued him, it was because it was the right thing to do. As was asking the bounty hunters to stand down and then defending ourselves when they continued to keep aggressing.

The alternative… letting the cartel get Irad and/or letting Master Vrake succumb to his injuries aren’t (and weren’t) an option.

I think I will use my new mastery of these crafting trades to make him a grand helmet in the style of the one he lost but superior to it in terms of function. I’ll use that force amplifying material for the visor screen too I’d worked out from before. I’ll need a whole lot of blue crystals for it. Maybe the charismatic gem fragments could get woven into the metal as well during the forging process. That seems doable.

Andro and I are going to make a new type of energy shielding for true powered armor. His idea but I will try to bring it to life.
I am thinking he and I will put together a holocron eventually with many of our more daring and advanced designs.

Why do I continue to keep helping these people despite them calling me “unworthy” again and again?
Well, I guess because who else will?! There’s your answer to that.
Also, cannot and should not pen true thoughts anymore if it can at all be helped. Someone will likely always interpret them incorrectly and leap immediately to worst possible conclusions, when they do find them.

I don’t hate Irad or my old Master; quite the opposite in fact! However, they can’t understand how I think. I’ve tried and failed in that regard too many times, I figure.

[GeneticsLuke]

I’m learning so much but it’s all undirected. That’s depressing. May as well take advantage of my skills and knowledge while there is still the opportunity. I’m not sure how much longer we will live with this disease. It isn’t contagious though but is aggressive. That’s why I’m making peace with the Jedi… I only wanted to be one because I liked the force and helping people and that ideally should be the best reason. Being angry about not making the selective cut doesn’t help anyone. I just want to take my remaining days and do something to help the Galaxy with them as a dying creator. Take from that what you will.
I sent that across the holonet; Sort of my galactic apology?

I was told the difference between a master and a student is that the master has had opportunity to know from having already made all the mistakes.

I’m still dying of this disease. More slowly now but we learned that the remission is a lie.

[GeneticsLuke]

My name is Zain Kalan.
Adopted surname Vrarc.
I was a wild man in my youth. Not raised feral but I was part of a swoop gang, the Flying Vipers while on Lower Coruscant.

I also spent time as a courier and racer. Those were my more legitimate jobs. This is my story.
I’d thought helping the Jedi and saving the girl would begin a wonderful journey but instead there is much pain and anguish.

Being told you are inferior repeatedly…
I am a cyborg but am also force sensitive.
I want to be a knight. I know it will probably never happen though.
The other jedis will not allow it.

Yet, I continue to help them. Disgusting really, no? Such sentimentality is wasted.
Yet,… it is still the right thing to do. Sometimes in a world of deeply ingrained binaries… the truth can cut through this murkiness like a knife.
Anyone can help. It doesn’t really matter too much your circumstances or gifts, or even what your station in this life is.

During the civil conflict on Onderon, the Exar Kun War oh about forty some odd years ago from how things are now, there were others much like me who would in this age be largely overlooked.
Knights who first became padawans and received their training as adults…
Some very powerful ones at that.

Power without a sense of right and wrong is not good though. That much is very true.

[GeneticsLuke]

The AXIOMATIC DOGMA OF BANGING YOUR HEAD AGAINST A WALL.

Would you hold and maintain that the truth is a lie?
If enough people, enough times continue to repeat something… a lie can become its own truth. You may call that a paradigm shift.
https://vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/starwars/images/a/ac/UlicSavingCay.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20190327050321
Widespread ignorance of even just the all too recent history aides in this regard.
Why is it that if many of the most powerful individuals in galactic history came into their own during adulthood there is this lie being propagated that one must begin training at an extremely early age?
It runs counter to life.

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Molding, indoctrination, brainwashing…
Oh, right. I was not supposed to have my thoughts and feelings that I do for my experiences are not supposed to be. It runs counter and inconvenient to their narrative.

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No this rewriting of the truth is to aggressively push an agenda by the powers that be.
Maybe with what limited time I have left I may get down to the bottom of it.
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Perhaps authorities seek by changing the narrative to one of stagecraft and theatricality to suggest things are always as they never were to ignorantly hope not to repeat the mistakes and great tragedies of the past.
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That is not an evil aim. Still, many fail to achieve the personal greatness they were meant to in order to support this subjective view?
The narrative is disgusting.

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There are truths that can not be known, for to reveal them shatters the shackles that bind the present together by blinding us from the past. Of this I can agree.
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I suspect, though I only speculate…

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This pattern has played out many times and will again a thousand fold more.
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Things are cyclical, not linear…

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I have dreamt of Star dragons… I know I should not be able to do any such a thing and also should not be capable of what I am capable of. According to those around me.
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But they all say what they believe should and should not be.
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No matter what I do I am told not to do it, that I should not be interested in it and should not pursue it. I must pretend all is fine when it isn’t to the benefit of others maintaining blissful ignorance while I myself languish. My curiosity not sated and my ambition is never, ever going to be met.
Always punished while others rewarded.

https://vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/starwars/images/6/65/Basilisk_war_droid.JPG/revision/latest?cb=20060717184536

You must learn to be content with the nothingness Zain, while others revel in the everything.
NOoo!..
…Others all get to have destinies but you my son, do not.
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Get used to that. Over and over.
Don’t ever express being sick of it either. People do not want to hear that.
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When do I get a turn? You do not get to have a turn. You are but a footnote on other people’s stories, Zain.

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It is suggested my being displeased with it is a type of passive-aggression. What they are telling me to do is enjoy a nerf-plop sandwich then growing irritated I do not.

The Jedi do not understand and could not hope to. No one else could either… am I so sure of that though? No, I am not.
Perhaps if I go into deepest seclusion nobody would notice and they would be happy I was gone. Their lives would be the better for it, too.

I would tell Irad and the others, you do not know what it feels like to be ever stifled. They will not listen though. There is the rub.

KNOWLEDGE IS POWER AND LACK OF IT A WEAPON.

You must learn to be happy with what you have and do not have and content in the present in order for the future to be alright. Yet,… we cannot.

[GeneticsLuke]

So… treasure hunting.
That’s the alternative course of action.
Hopefully nobody will piss on that. They especially can’t if I don’t share it with them that this is what I wish to do. I’ll just do it and stop talking about it.

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Let them go on their own paths, and hopefully this time I get to have mine.

Accumulation of wealth feels empty but I must learn to revel in the emptiness.
Only special people get to have morals. I was deemed not special enough.

DEEPLY INGRAINED BINARIES, IN WHICH YOU ARE AN OUTLIER.

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Know about history. Other people say it does not matter, should not matter and I do not matter but I will find a truth.
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I have to have something going on. I must find something.
Even she, Irad, admitted that.

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I don’t have anything going on.
Something as pathetic as a new coffeemaker sparked her sympathy.
I don’t want pity.
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I just want an adventure and opportunity for growth. I am tired of feeling always stuck, disdained by some and pitied by others.

[GeneticsLuke]

I don’t have years and years to wait.
Our enemies aren’t being so picky. They are mounting their offensives without hesitation. Darn your going on about my unworthiness to hell!
Sometimes you have to take stuff by the reins and deal with it.

This is not your story, it is mine.

I get to be in charge of part of it and have, express here some of my own thoughts and opinions, feelings about what happens around me and I participate in. I get that people don’t like that. Sometimes they dislike it enough to want to silence you forever for doing it and that isn’t right.

[GeneticsLuke]

I need something to go for.
Not nothing.

https://vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/starwars/images/e/e3/Juggernaut_armor.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20080808040253
Should I just do as they suggest and not bother trying and never reach for anything?
That’s not satisfying.

https://vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/starwars/images/a/a8/AV-1s-GFT.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20121106015236

Powered armor holds many interesting possibilities to explore.

Oh, don’t do it Zain, everything you ever want must needs be evil or wrong! I hear them saying, ever so unhelpfully.

Just like that, I know that I can never maintain a true inner peace because well… I need an external source of validation. That is a weakness on my part.

https://vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/starwars/images/b/b1/Av-1a.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20080302045906
Fools! Don’t you understand?
Since the only avenue available to me and not forcefully held away out of reach is manufacturing of arms and armor then that is what I must do.

https://vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/starwars/images/0/03/AV-1C_Armor.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20060123225200

In being so limited, I shall also be freed.

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Do you think that maybe, just maybe - turning me away may have possibly been a mistake?! DO YOU!!! Of course you do not…

You cannot comprehend it because it is not something immediately relevant to you.

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My love of all things mechanical has to be of use to people. They reject me as a person yet acknowledge my skill… quite the uh, odd mixture.

I should have been a Jedi; I can never become one.

Life is lonely. Let me see what I can create. I’ll reach into the void between thoughts and give form to fantastic arms and armor. I’ll make armaments unlike what you may come to expect. Perhaps even droids.

I thank you for pushing me this way in a direction opposite from how things should have been, for had you not, I would have been complacent and content in the mediocrity of it all.

[GeneticsLuke]

https://vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/starwars/images/5/55/Jedi_service_Corps_logo0001.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20110304191812

I need to stop blaming my friends for my failures and look to alternatives.

I can’t let my dream go but to get there… oh, to get there…
It will take much more work.

Progress:
My best suit yet is closer to completion. Now I just need to hunt down the remaining fragment seed crystals to make the upgrades.
It has almost everything.

It does not have inner peace though. This pursuit as an armorer though calming is probably not the answer I am looking for.

[GeneticsLuke]

Knight in armor (Zain Kalan).
Not yet.
I got to look at a dark reflection of myself in the mirror.

Summary

My former master’s old apprentice faked his own death after stealing some Sith artifacts from him and has been tormenting him using dark side deceptions and illusions for some time now. We had him on the run though, me and Jaycen.

I think the difference between me and that guy we were up against though,… is I get that having revenge on your friends doesn’t really get you what you want. He hasn’t figured that out yet and he’s had a 15 year head start to think about it.

He could never get past that resentment of being weaker and ridiculed for it. I guess that’s an advantage I’ve got he doesn’t.

Still though… if Jaycen and I could put a little doubt in his mind… enough that he screamed at us to “shut up fools!” and to be quiet then running away… then maybe there is a small core granule of good left in him.

This should go in a report to Master Vrake.
I still feel like calling him my master even though he never really got around to training me and I’m not a part of the Order. I can still help them sometimes and honestly, now that I’m not his student anymore and trying so hard… I find myself liking him a bit more than I did back then. Strange.

Are these stirrings the beginning of a conscience?
Maybe I should ask Irad about that.

[GeneticsLuke]

Hang in there Master Vrake and Irad!

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I might not be good enough to be your padawan or your colleague but I am good enough to be your friend.
The people who want you each dead are all on my shit list…
Said without anger of course, since anger leads to the dark side, obviously.

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I did it! I’m a mechanical genius!
No real slouch at armorcrafting either but it’s gotten to where I can build my own incredible blasters and actually decent cybernetics.

https://vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/shadowrun/images/b/b2/Jake_snes.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20180109234256&path-prefix=en
Finished my ultimate powered armor and upgraded the Shatterer Mk 2 to my satisfaction.
http://adragon202.no-ip.org/Shadowrun/images/5/55/SR5_Weapon_Onotari_Arms_Violator.png

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Hawk-Bat looks more powerful than it is. I should really add a beam splitter to it to go with the hair trigger and special scope.

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[GeneticsLuke]

https://vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/shadowrun/images/9/9b/Jake_Armitage.png/revision/latest?cb=20130731144558&path-prefix=en

Unsure what to do.
Mastered engineering pretty much.
Just waiting around for some action to happen is killing me.
Patience though… my Jedi friends say it is important.
It’ll be no good to anybody and I’ll be no good to the mission if I panic and rush.

Brushed up some more on Huttese and Mandoa and have near fluency now in those languages but not quite. I worked the “rust” out of my racing skills too.

They can’t make me do nothing.
I’m still helping colonists and taking on projects.

I don’t care if you, they, anybody doesn’t like it anymore.
It’s the right thing to do and I’m doing it because there are things I do that no one else is… doing. They aren’t doing it that much… I guess.
I’ll make use of this down time to better my skills.
I don’t like hitting plateaus.
Last couple times I hit one I hit it hard and lost some body parts… heh.

There’s a better way and a smarter way

And I’m working on it.
It hit me. I’ve got internal validation because my skills in engineering and armorcraft speak for me. I don’t need other people to reassure me and tell me that it’s good anymore. That’s a nice little pick-me-up when I get it but even without it… looking at some of the stuff I’ve built…

[GeneticsLuke]

THERE’S GOT TO BE SOMETHING I CAN DO.

I need to be doing something.
Planning something.
Prepping something.

The waiting game was never my strong suit.
Okay so filling in other activities to take up time works somewhat.
Meditation helps too.

[GeneticsLuke]

Gave Dax a crash course in piloting and ship gunning.

Still prepping for the mission.
People say I’m impatient. That’s true.
I feel like there’s only so much preparation you can make when undertaking something with so many potentially unknown variables… but this waiting around is killing me. Not literally… just, some certainty is and would be good.

[GeneticsLuke]

The mission will have to wait.
The Cartel got Irad and we need to get her back.

[GeneticsLuke]

Assassins tried to kill me yesterday. They knew their stuff about cyborgs. Really coming to hate EMPs, lightning and ion weapons.
Dad saved my ass at the last second and I was in Dr. Eeru’s hospital getting synth organs and broken down limbs replaced plus implants changed. Just in time too.

I hate waiting like this, knowing Irad is being tortured and the longer we take the worse shape she will be in. They’re probably psychologically messing up her mind too. I wonder how much of our friend will be left by the time we find her. That part is going to be hard to handle but I’ve gotta be strong. I’m not a Jedi but I’m good enough to help and save Jedi and we also totally need Irad to save Master Vrake from those not one, but two murderers.

Today some crazy armor clad person picked off an assassin droid that attacked me while I was mining on the mountain. I was grateful because those assassin droids give me the willies.

[GeneticsLuke]

Worked on some armor and weapons for Dax and Andro. Glad dad hired on Nej as a crafting apprentice.
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The young Mirialan has helped organize our parts inventory and is keeping materials well stocked.
Gave him the key to the laser drill too so he can check and empty the resource bay of the tower when we aren’t around.

Worried about Irad. You’d best believe I don’t like that that slimy Hutt has her and is mistreating her. We know he is on Tattooine and he has her in a heavily armed and trapped fortress. If I can put together enough money and find somebody to procure some serious munitions from… I think that will help as well; It’s a fact that most people have a very tough time arguing with a thermal detonator.

I’ve nearly completed my 10x gun now. All that remains is to put on a slight agility mod.

[GeneticsLuke]

They had a droid send me a holovid of Irad being tortured… the sick bastards. I could hear her captors laughing and her whimpering in the audio. It looped… after a few cycles I got irritated and shot at it with my 10x heavy pistol “Gundark.”

I have a hunch they are drugging her too.
Giving into anger is dangerous and bad… but she’s nice and doesn’t deserve any of that treatment, dammit.

The longer we wait to do the rescue extraction the worse physical and mental shape Irad is going to be in.

No luck in obtaining heavy ordinance but dad and Althea seem pretty sure I won’t need any.

I could hunt down the parts to finish customizing my heavy pistol and work on the two new armor parts…
I could also do more mining. Rent is paid up so any ore I bring in to Nima or Roy after covering that is close to pure profit & having more credits would be practical.

I hope you are okay Irad… we’ll come for you soon. I just wish it could be sooner is all.

[GeneticsLuke]

We got her back but it was not without high cost.
I was asked if it was worth it… and I have to say yes.
We all agreed that it wouldn’t be much of a life to live knowing our friend was kidnapped, being tortured and brainwashed just so we could keep having “normal” lives.

The weirdest part was the deprogramming.
Poor Irad’s memories were scrambled and for a couple days she was convinced I was her new slave master. She kept asking what she could do to please me and found it weird that what I wanted her to do was nothing except rest and heal because she was too injured to do any work. What got to me the most was her not being able to consciously recognize me at all. I explained to her we were friends before and personally, I know that a lot of guys would probably kill to get to have a pretty little slave girl bending to do your every whim but I just wanted my friend back more than anything so things couldn’t stay like that and it made me sick. She asked me what was wrong Master and even with amnesia was worrying more about me than herself…

We got her mind fixed, somewhat… with help from Jedi Master Landryn.
The advanced force technique he used to pull the true her back out and gradually remove the psychological walls she had put up was not without risk and some side effects though.

As she recalls painful horrible memories the poor dear gets rather overwhelmed. All I can do is hold her close and hug her as she screams, cries and occasionally thrashes.

[GeneticsLuke]

I will probably never use lightsabers again. Without Althea and Andro to practice with it is just a sour reminder of how I did not make the cut for Jedi selection.

That’s fine though.
Father has forbidden to allow me becoming one explaining to me on the grounds of it being quite against his culture, even more so than adopting someone of a different species… it could cause a catastrophic diplomatic snafu if word ever got out of any Chiss or those serving them being a knight. So that’s that. I’m good with sabers and I was pretty good at making them. I still have many very high end advanced emitters but I’m not going to make a new one and I’ve no reason to ever again pick one up.

I used to feel envious of the jedis but they don’t deal with combat or loss very well. Well Father did say I can still be friends with them and as long as our goals and theirs do not come into conflict he is okay with me helping them sometimes. He is rather reasonable and progressive that way.

So it is that we clean up the messes of these Jedi. Not out of liking them or for wanting to be like them but because it is the right thing to do! That sounds more Chiss.

I do like some of them though.
Feels like a long time ago I wanted to be one and since they a.) absolutely and very much do not want me and b.) Father has forbidden it… that’s probably never going to happen.

Let’s look at what I do have.
I am a tough cyborg and my health can slowly regenerate. When self repair kicks in I can come back from a surprising amount of injuries that would leave a nonaugmented person in a much graver state.

I am a naval officer. Dad has taught me and is teaching me the ways of the Chiss space navy and I do have my own ship. It’s not up to their standards but for what it is, is pretty nice and he and I have done some upgrades and work on it.

If Irad wasn’t seeking to become a Jedi Knight… I think I might just marry her. I know there would be a lot of psychological baggage to work through from her being a former slave but we’d work through that together. As is since she doing that the best I can do is be a good and supportive friend. I can show her I like her by doing a good job aiding her recovery and helping her become a Jedi Knight. That’s what she’s always wanted.
Even if can’t be be one, I can still help my best friend become one.