I am a soldier…
I must give to the collective.
The needs of the many outweigh the wants of the few.
Sandra makes me very angry sometimes. Sitting from her privileged perch, lecturing us on sacrifice and suffering. What does she know about it? She has never had to scrounge just for basic staples like food and then share half of it with a starving brother because two abusive parents withheld pretty much everything, doling out irrational and erratic almost constant punishments so that our childhood was always paranoid and the most common feelings were dread and misery.
I must put all these feelings into a black hole.
I feel terrible about the way things go sometimes.
Ira told me not to hate the Jedi but it is hard sometimes.
I remind myself they are people too and like anybody else there are good ones and bad ones. It is not good to generalize about an entire group when it can be helped not to.
I had an insight talking to my estranged brother Damien, who is now a Republic soldier. Probably the reason why I rescued Iradtoki from the slavers in the first place was because the way she was being abused and humiliated reminded me of how our parents treated my baby brother.
I definitely have a lot of things to talk to her about when I next see her.
Many months back when I was trying to become a Jedi Ira had me send out a letter to my family saying I forgave them and did not wish to continue holding a grudge. How I recognized they were trying the best with the limited tools they had at the time.
It seems Damien was the first one to get a look at the letter, which is good because I know our mother and father would have simply torn it up and told him I was just asking for more money to waste on drugs, prostitutes, gambling, etc.
I figured it out.
My place isn’t waving some damned saber around being an arrogant arsehole… it’s giving comfort to small and frailer, scared people who are traumatized.
That’s compassion.
Don’t lecture me about attachment you morons.
Take all the hypocrisy and shove it.
Some heroes don’t wear robes or capes.
You have to give up on giving up. That’s all there is to it.
The most important 3 people in my life need me.
Sith be damned.
The Jedi are irrelevant. The force is but a tool. This is about people. In the galaxy. Which we live in.
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Sent a letter to Jedi Master Hohenfel explaining my decision.
((Warning, some language in the lyrics so if that bothers you please either skip or mentally fill in other rhyming things for the swear words)).
Training and development led to a new force power, the ability to purposefully shield my mind from outside influences. I am working with it.
Providing guidance to my younger brother is difficult. He resents me for leaving him behind at 8 and not being there for him. And how I was into all the drugs. I also can’t leave him by himself for too long or he’ll emotionally eat and get into bad fights where he’ll get beaten up and bloodied.
He asked me if I could only save one of the three most important people to me in my life- him, Captain Adush or Ira… which one I’d pick.
I was… taken aback and answered his question with another question I think he’d find equally difficult. He got a bit annoyed I gave no frank and direct answer.
Well, if I was to also die and could only save one of them I’d pick my brother easily because he still has many years ahead of him as a young man and causes to go fight for. I know he seeks to do the right thing.
My stumping moral mind question for him was this: If a dear close friend or relative joined Revan’s side would he be able to swallow down the other feelings he had toward them to still put a blasterbolt between that person’s eyes if the situation forced it?
I know Ira and I can never be a normal couple. She’s a Jedi… and I’m not. I try to help her along in her path toward becoming the great knight she is destined to be. I try not to resent the Order too much for the no romances are allowed rule and also when bratty padawans and knights talk down to me like I am a second class citizen or servant to them for my either not being a Jedi or for my having failed at becoming one.
It is… irritating but there are much more important things at stake than our individual petty egos.
That’s what the Chiss have taught me. We are all but gears in the larger machine. When the teeth of one cog break off it is removed and a replacement is installed in its place. It is not personal and it is both an honor and privilege to have gotten to serve a function assisting the larger body… to any degree, even when it is a limited one!
Ira says she will still be around but my priorities right now should be Father and Damien. She’s right…
And we can do stuff after. Especially after the war.
That’ll be nice.
I don’t hate the Jedi. I disagree with them on some things and don’t worship the ground they walk on or reverently hang onto their every word as though they are incapable of doing any wrong ever. That is different.
I can help Hohenfel unofficially as a mercenary.
I am neither a Mandalorian nor a Jedi, nor a Republic soldier. I am affiliated with the Chiss.
I want her to feel that she is special and that no matter what at least I care about her. She spends so much effort and energy helping others it’s not fair that there isn’t anybody to give back and they just keep asking for, demanding more and more unending sacrifices and suffering when she has already given so much.
Damien… my estranged little brother has been difficult to reconnect with but we make strides.
Dad… The Captain continues to be plagued by vivid nightmares of the zombies we fought on the derelict, specifically of him succumbing to the biological warfare agent and becoming one, then consuming us. I wouldn’t be able to sleep well if I had recurring dreams and “visions” of that nature either.
I just want to hug and hold Ira and tell her how brave and great I think she is. So sometimes when I see her, I do.
Dad and I started communal bathing and telling each other scar and war stories. I think all that bottling up is tough on the old soldier even though he doesn’t want to show such vulnerability to an outsider or in public. It is good for veterans to express and open themselves up to others in a safe setting, & I hope we can find some sort of chemical or psychological cure to help him get some decent sleep. The bags under his red eyes tell even if his outward body language does not just how fitful his sleep has been.
When did I go soft? Why don’t I regret it? I can also be firm when I have to though, I guess is the short answer for that.
”Your family needs you more than I do right now Zain, go be with them. I’ll be alright and we can still do things together after.”
The most kind and understanding lady I know.
There was a time we didn’t get along much and if you told me I’d end up liking her I’d have said you must be crazy; Now I’m thinking I’d be crazy not to!
What my brother and I had to undergo just for basic survival growing up in the slums is harsh. What Iradtoki went through as a slave is harsh. What Adush went through as a cadet is harsh.
Catching up with Damien.
Missed out on a lot when I was on drugs. Was a real drekhead.
Sometimes tried to pass him onto dumb hookers as babysitters while I hustled.
Began training and gathering on Planet Hutlar.
Thoughts: Hutlariens are not the most pleasant sort but due to their largely slug based diet I think it might be a place Ira could be well protected from Hutts. They seem the galaxy’s natural predator to giant slugs. This might also be a great locale to do military exercises with The Captain. His home world is an ice planet.
Adush basically told me… you are of us. You are not us but you are of us and not them. That makes you superior (to them). You have been trained and raised by us in our ways. The jedis are not our lords. You don’t have to put up with that. Nor are you a Mandalorian. You are as a Chiss.
I signed onto the Nova Initiative as an independent mercenary.
It doesn’t matter what group you are affiliated with as much as some people might think or want to idealistically believe in their dogmatic delusions … so long as that group is not Darth Revan’s “Sith Fleet.”
Damien and the Captain may need more help and support from me than Ira right now. I mean she’s right. She has a therapist and stuff to help and Dr. Eeru.
Maybe I need her more than she needs me but I shouldn’t think that way because it’s not… like that.
I have found places where I can still physically condition myself and more appropriate challenges than the ones Viscara and Mon Cala have to offer.
Just as a long time ago I plateaued at my use of the force I feel that I will soon reach the upper limits of what I can do in making armor and weapons as well as physical feats. It will have to be enough.
To hear the Jedi whine about the difficulty of physical tasks where they cannot augment themselves through or do it with the force… I am seeing what father means… strong reliance on the force makes them extremely weak. Frail even.
Other skills are underdeveloped. Alternative ways of thinking atrophy.
What you earn and develop yourself in prowess by muscle and brainpower is more concrete and reliable, yes?
I gave up light sabers and foils when we rescued Iradtoki and she rescued us… I can never be a Jedi and after the way they have acted and continue to act I am not sure I would want to be.
My brother needs me. There’s a lot to make up for. I’ll teach him as best I can. Hopefully he won’t repeat my same mistakes.
A good, steady large vibroblade is good enough for me. A high powered heavy pistol serves me well. I can kick your ass with a staff or simple section of pipe too.
I have mastered what I can do in engineering and armorcrafting. Now all that is left is improvement of body and mind.
The loss of Nickel One in the Roche Asteroid Belt hit Hohenfel, Jaycen and Iradtoki exceptionally hard. The Verpine… a species of fix it bug people… who share a hive mind and are said to communicate using radio waves in their antennae owned the largest shipyard in the Republic.
For some reason tragedies like genocide don’t phase me that much. I don’t know why but this lack of being able to empathize very well…
I mean okay, I love Iradtoki. Like, seriously. However, I don’t really listen very well and this annoys her as much as it annoys other people.
Damien is a massive curveball. One minute we get along okay the next he wants to either wish he could pummel me or goes and gets the shit kicked out of him. I’m still trying to remember what being a brother is supposed to be like.
All I know is the Sith are the sort of scum who enjoy causing genocide and that’s why they have to be stopped. Slapped back hard for hurting so many just in a selfish quest for greater and greater power.
What they are doing is NOT right.
To protect the people I love and care about, I fight the evil people and things alongside them.
I am proud of my brother and proud of the Captain.
They are both stalwart men who follow through in their convictions to do the right thing and help people.
I want to do something especially nice for Iradtoki as a surprise. Well she loves helping people… that gives me a few ideas.
Two-ish days later since the fall of that city the emotions caught up with me. Delayed processing. Am feeling like a jerk for not having as immediate an empathy and sympathy response as the Jedis. Well, I’m not a Jedi.
I need to not voice my opinion since I am not supposed to express having one. Bad things happen and people get hurt when I speak my mind. They can dish but usually cannot take.
There are too many Jedis. It feels like there are way more jedis than nonJedis. There was a time I resented it like why is everybody else having so much an easier time being one than I did? I’m not a bad guy… anymore. You can still be a good guy without having to be a Jedi to do it. You can help Jedis, too.
I’m not an insect or second class citizen. I am not their servant. I am not a worm.
I am a bionic commando. One with augmentations and who has undergone extensive physical conditioning. I bring peak weapon training and heavy armor skill to the table. I protect those weaker than me and defend my allies… and this is good.
I pulled myself up by the bootstraps from being a drug addled thug. I am a legitimate businessman and goodly mercenary. It wasn’t easy but most of the worth-it things in life are difficult.
I have worth too, dammit.
Wanting nonJedi to worship you for your power and the very ground you walk on as though you are a god among men is a really Sith way of acting. That was my point. I could yes, have worded it better.
Some male bonding hunting with the Captain felt pretty good.
Reconnecting with my brother is touch and go but worthwhile.
I’d definitely like to do some stuff with Iradtoki too. Seela told me it’s actually even more important than I might myself realize that somebody is nice and good to her. Force empaths like Ira and High Master Hohenfel have a unique burden placed on them that any soothing comfort helps alleviate. I knew that it was the right thing!
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Renamed my ship the Jade Tigress. Ira liked that.
So Ira says I’m emotionally out of balance lately and she wants to help fix that.
I’ve bared my soul to her and given her full access to my entire journal. She already physically knows me inside and out having operated on me and studied my schematics. Might as well let my dear friend peer inside my head.
If you are reading this Ira, hello dear; I want to help you fight the Sith and save people!
Pledged to help you 100%
Our enemies are genocidal madmen and wicked rumor-mongers, those who gleefully delight in wreaking destruction and preying on the innocent.
I’m not going to let scum bags nor overly cautious imbeciles derail our operations Father. There’s a lot riding on the ventures succeeding. It’s a lot more than simply livelihood or obtaining wealth. This is the main way to initiate cultural exchange between the Republic and the Ascendacy. It goes beyond petty individual wants and will help out both our peoples IMMEASURABLY.
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They are actually wrong for acting as they do, you know.
They respond out of fear and ignorance, mainly. Mostly…
En masse. It is… sadly illogical and a depressing reality.
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So much mistrust all the time. Ira and I during our meditative therapy session with each other… you noted it bothered me how much other people loved to isolate, hierarchize, throw up walls the same that it bothered them I choose to be open and friendly. I am willing to be emotionally vulnerable with you though. Life would be quite sad to never ever trust anyone at all and to never extend out to branch past your comfort zone, Yet people lead these shallow lives choosing such isolation among the multitudes… for reasons which I struggle at times to understand.
I don’t think people could possibly understand. So many walls. So much isolation. An ocean of mistrust to drown in.
In place of the Jedi and Sith Codes a new one takes place through observation of other people’s behavior.
There is no honesty…
There is agenda pushing.
There are no friendships… only using each other.
There is no passion… only blatant self-interest.
There is no knowledge, there is only ignorance.
There is no trust… there is always assumption!
There is no true life… there is only the shell of it.
That is not how I want to live.
Oh, well there is a war, this excuses poor treatment of allies.
No, it does not.
I am working on my temper with help from you, my dear friend.
I am told I have too much hatred over documenting of perceived slights. Others may hold me to a higher standard yet I am not allowed to judge them. Hehe!
I trust Seela, I trust Ira, I trust Jerr.
I am not… sure I can any longer trust Jaycen, Sandra or Tara.
Would that things could be different than they are.
I do not fit in their game. I am misidentified as an enemy while trying to help or am cast aside as irrelevant. Not ever by you though my dear and so thank you for that.
I am working with my friend to unravel the root cause of my “attitude problems.”
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Gratitude.
You told me, you don’t see me as a cripple and a freak. Thank you for that.
I am grateful to Seela as well.
Perhaps it is you two who may understand me better than most of the others.
In at least attempting to understand me…
Gratitude.
You told me, you don’t see me as a cripple and a freak. Thank you for that.
You don’t recoil at my mechanical voice or my metal touch.
I am grateful to Seela as well.
Perhaps it is you two who may understand me better than most of the others.
In at least attempting to understand me…
I can only work to improve my own behavior Ira.
I recognize that. Thank you for working with me to heal the emotional wounds. You do not have to and I am thankful to you for it.
Letting go of the slights is tricky. Ever commenting on them invites attack because how dare I criticize. I think I get it though…
It is as you and Father say… I am not these other people’s lesser. They are only above me and allowed to bother me when I let them.
I do not want to be consumed by grudges as are the Sith we fight against.
I must be their better. Sinking to their level and giving these people back the very same treatment which they give me which I do not like teaches them absolutely nothing.
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My best friend in the whole galaxy…
Iradtoki. People don’t always understand why we are friends.
We seem very different at first.
I am a Chiss built cyborg. I am physically imposing with my metal arms, heavy armor and large build. I used to be a thug and am used to being used as a guard dog after a fashion.
She is a Jedi Consular in training. She is smaller, more delicately proportioned and still very attractive despite extensive scarring. She used to be a slave and dancing girl.
She is diplomatic. I am often blunt to the point of it offending people.
We both like martial arts though and trying to help people.
We have been through much together both good and bad.
The fact is that the goals of the Ascendacy, Republic and Jedi Order are first and foremost all to simply survive. That is one we share in common.
The Sith are a threat to the entire galaxy.
While we are all busy fighting each other we make their job of subjugating and conquering us even easier for them! We help our enemies by fighting amongst ourselves.
No, I am not going to be sad about it.
You have to make sacrifices for those you love.
This will help Ira get to be a knight which she totally deserves to get to be.
So what now for me to do? Well, I can keep physically training.
Seela is her new master and yeah, does want me to protect her padawan. It’s not fair for me to keep Ira to myself. She loves helping people and the best way for her to do that is as a knight. Duh.
I’m just gonna walk it off and keep working on everybody’s armors…
I’ll do it. It’s the right things and the needs of the many outweigh the wants of the few.
If I can get my friend her shot at true happiness, it’s worth it. Ya know, self actualization I think they call that.
I can help my best friend get to be the hero she wants to be. That’s still pretty neat.
Epilogue: A MONSTER IS BORN OF KINDNESS AND MISUNDERSTANDING:
All we ever were was good friends… so why is there an emptiness welling inside? I don’t think I can fill it.
Maybe I could fill it killing Sith?
New mantra: Swallow it down. Walk it off.
This is for the better. Repeat this.
Ira said she’d go through all the entries. I hope the ones about how much I had feelings for her and wanted her to feel loved and appreciated don’t cause her too much pain. I kind of… still do.
I don’t think I’ll ever be able to not. And maybe that’s bad?
It’s not bad, it’s noble. And nice.
And anybody who says otherwise is a real solid drekhead.
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She said it would hurt me and she was sorry. I said she didn’t have to be sorry and well now I am sad though. I still have her as a friend though. It’s better this way. That love sort of kept me going. Don’t fall apart without it. Do it for your friend. Help her be the great knight she is destined to be.
That kind of true caring for someone is something I don’t think many would be able to try and understand. I mean if you’re even willing to sacrifice it to get them ahead over your own happiness… right?
I have killed scores of Sith soldiers. It isn’t the same.
I should kill more of them. Maybe the problem is just I haven’t ended enough dark siders’ lives yet.
Maybe after I take down a dark Jedi or two… no.
I don’t even know if Darth Revan and Malak’s heads on force-pikes would.
Vengeance is not a substitute for love, no, but I can use it to make the galaxy a better place so others won’t maybe have to deal with these things which we have.
She loves you as much as she is allowed to. That’s true.
I shouldn’t resent that, and don’t.
More Sith need to die though. Maybe all of them. Every. Last. One.
What is this feeling? It’s new.
Maybe to prove to these Jedi that we do go well together… I just need to be an effective Slayer of Sith.
Killing evil Sith makes me feel better.
Try not to hate them. Keep trying not to hate them.
It’s not their fault that they screw up everything pure they touch. Or maybe I do? Where to go from here?
Project that anger onto your Sith enemies.
Use it as a driven fire to protect Iradtoki and her master Seela and
your little brother Damien and your adoptive father Captain Adush
as well as Dr. Hriste.
Then cry yourself to sleep in private when alone.
For not ever measuring up to impossible **unattainable** standards.
My name is Vrarc’Kalan’Zain of the Chiss. I am a cyborg warrior, master of arms and armor. You could not understand how I feel if you tried. I don’t think anyone ever could.
Ira was the main reason I wanted to be a good guy.
Her love spurred me on to want to be a better person.
Without it…
…
…
…I’m not sure how I can go on.
That one constant of always having each other’s backs
and the continual affirmations. **Gone.**
Having somebody to cuddle with after any long nasty battle
from hell **was truly nice.** And it was taken from me.
It was taken from you because you are viewed as ‘unworthy’ garbage by them Zain, as you always were, are and will be.
I have to go on though. Even with all possible joy sucked out of it.
It takes more than what these people have to break me. Right?
I don’t truly rightly know anymore. There was a time I did.
Now everything is feeling very pointless.
I knew this day was coming.
We never really even had a relationship
but that there was a potential...
*that a scumbag like me could get the girl and help her be a hero?
Yeah, pretty crazy.
Gotta stop that from becoming any sort of a reality, huh?
Well, it got stopped.*
Now what do I do with myself?
I hereby grant permission to the Jedis Jerr, Iradtoki
and Seela to comment on my log as well as my butler Raymond!
Talked with Seela. She allayed my worries. She also let me test out my new holocom. It was like having a master Jedi in your pocket. Very cool. She told me there’s nothing wrong with being a caring friend to Ira and she got that I did like her and all those attachment is bad lectures are misguided for a nonJedi confirming what Ray and I thought that a lot of think they know it all padawans should stop pretending to be masters. Also that I should try not to be so hurt about things because that’ll make Ira sad and yeah, I don’t want to do that.
So caring friends is fine but lovers isn’t. And I’m okay with that. I’m giving the just being friends thing out a try. She said it didn’t mean that Ira wasn’t going to be allowed to care about people anymore.
I guess people tend to take that non-attachment thing and the lecture-scold mode a little too far.
“Force-insensitives?” Heh!
It does hurt some but not like the huge gaping hole I have been feeling the past few days.
Talking to Seela really helps but I wonder how much of that is due to her force power to calm people and animals down.
I really started out thinking I would have to become a cold hearted killing machine like a zombie mercenary to be of use and that the Jedi Order was going to take advantage of that I liked Ira to make me do a bunch of suicide missions just to yank things away at the last second same as before when I was an initiate and I was very angry about it and full of despair. Feeling used and abused and thrown away. And Seela reminded me that she and Ira are still my friends and that at least they wouldn’t do that because that isn’t being a good friend.