Slave for life...Iradtoki

[Iradtoki]

The Bounty hunters showed up today, used a little boy as bait to draw me out. I took a nasty hit in the back which hurts like hell, they made me put a slave collar back on, which hurt me more then I thought I could be at this point.

Lucas and Jaycen came to my aid though they were damn near killed for the effort, likely not knowing I was there. A strange former Jedi was aiding the bounty hunters until they refused to uphold their part of the deal. When that happened he attacked their leader and when they fled him, he broke the collar off. He offered to let me join him, but I had to refuse, my loyalty is to the Jedi. He wasn’t offended surprisingly. He took it rather well and just left after that. The boy was taken to the Med center for treatment as he was unconscious.

We reported to the Base where I gave a statement and handed in the broken slave collar for evidence against the Hutt Cartel, not that I truly believe much will come of it. After that I spoke to Zain, honestly seeking a bit of comfort from his presence and perhaps to feel safe, since seeing Keyan made me feel more like he really didn’t care. Hire bodyguards and lay low, his only answer.

Even Zain didn’t seem to care…at all. He didn’t ask if I was okay, didn’t wanna see me, didn’t really seem to care much that anything had happened, he just wanted to whine that he wasn’t making progress, about his new venture, his new plans. Forget I was hurt, in pain and distress and needing him for once, all that mattered was him. Andro stepped up though when he heard things had happened. He came to see me and make sure I was alright. Stayed with me for quite some time knowing how distressed I was.

I hope my Master comes back soon, with their return it could mean a dark time is coming again and I really don’t know what to do next.

[Iradtoki]

Zain did eventually show up after I got mad at him. Once he understood why I was upset he seemed genuinely sorry. These bounty hunters really scared him too and I could understand that. At that moment though, I needed emotional support though. He told Seela about what happened and she showed up almost instantly and I wound up breaking down again. Having to put that collar back on with a child at gun point really did a number though Seela helped me feel better.

Zain fell asleep against me as me and Seela talked and Althea arrived. We talked a lot about what happened, getting a lot of it voiced and having people that could support did help a lot more. Seela suggested wearing a collar of my own, break the mentality of the collar and being able to take it off on my own. It feels weird and I admit a great hesitation at putting it on. I did though and Seela is gonna make one for herself so I am not doing this alone.

Is it strange there is some comforting presence in it being there now that I am not freaked out by it?

[Iradtoki]

I…am not sure if this things working. Zain set up the comm earlier and I can only hope this works. Its been a few days since my um…rescue. Its still pretty bad. At the moment I cannot walk though I am supposed to start therapy for that in a few days. I cant…I cant hold a cup, my hands drop it and there is a burning pain in my wrist from it. The scarring, its…its horrific from what Zain told me…its very, very bad. So bad the doctor said the wounds will never truly heal, they will always hurt.

Jaycen, Aedan and a new guy Nate have been dropping in often to see me and spend some time with me. Its been nice having company, but there are others that haven’t come by and I find it strange. Where is Andro? Usually he is the first to come running when somethings wrong? Wheres Lucas? Althea, Seela, Sandra? I know something was upsetting Sandra but no one will tell me what…I bet she needs another hug…she always forgets to express her emotions and tries to hide them. I will have to give her one when I see her.

I’m having a lot of issues with adjusting since the rescue. Panic attacks, hyperventilating, claustrophobia, constant nightmares, unending pain and weakness. I try not to worry or stress Zain with them, or the others for that matter. Heck Aedan has already walked in on me having a full panic attack and hyperventilating and had to be the one to calm me down. I don’t remember any of it. I feel bad putting Zain through so much even though he says I shouldn’t.

Master Landyn has been coming around recently to help me as well, Zain said he fixed my mind so I could actually get some of my memories back as well as helped greatly with my feet or my recovery would be much worse then it actually is. He seems nice and reminds me a lot of Hohenfel. Very sweet man and loves to laugh. Jaycen could learn a lot from him. Jaycen is sweet, but way too serious about things for his own good. He views the force too seriously. Any use of it beyond fighting or healing seems to be a trigger for him to get mad about it. Practice is often done through play. He needs to relax a bit.

I hope Andro comes to visit soon, maybe he will bring another plushie. I do love them. I have my Convor here and it truly brings comfort when I have it close, I will need to ask Zain to fetch Nulaas staff for me from Seelas soon. Since I will likely need it when it comes to the therapy, oh and I need to remember to ask Zain for another hospital trip to get my wrists looked at and why they are so weak. All that in the morning though. I guess that’s all for now. Ira out.

[Iradtoki]

So, breaks in the wrists, concerns about my weight, though everything else is slowly healing as best as possible. Now I know that Andro, Lucas and Althea are dead…I remember that as if I was still standing in that hall way looking right down at their bodies. Kissing Andro goodnight one last time. My heart wrenched as I watched it and I fell apart. I didn’t even originally realize I was screaming. I was in so much pain and distress from the realization I just blanked out.

Nate played his violin for me as Zain held me trying to consul me in the matter. It really hurt to lose them and I still feel responsible for it. Others say not to blame myself but how can I not? They died trying to rescue me. Master…if you can see or read this still…I need you. I need guidance in this. I don’t know what to think or feel in this, I only saw Sandra today and shes literally falling to pieces. Seela I haven’t seen at all. Please Master, come find me at Zains?..

[Iradtoki]

I don’t even know where to start, Althea came back, shes alive and I can barely even imagine that we left her behind. Shes not upset thankfully, but I still left her. Then there is Tara, she has come back. I always knew deep down she wasn’t dead. I refused to believe it and I am glad I held onto that. Seela came to visit yesterday, I have missed her company a lot recently. Sandra did too. It was very nice to feel all the energy in the room.

Zain needs to cut back on the sugars and everyone needs to stop telling me to eat meat. Most don’t seem to understand that just the smell of it makes me violently ill. Tara said I need to basically get over it, but its not something I can just get over. I don’t know what causes it, but it does in seconds. For note, five different desserts in the matter of an hour or two…is a lot. By the time Nate served his last one, I started feeling ill from the sugar alone. Zain wants to get my weight up I know, but sugar is not a healthy way to do it.

Therapy is supposed to start today, hopefully he can get me walking sooner then later, I hate feeling like a cripple that cannot do anything for myself. I haven’t heard from Nulaa yet which is a surprise as she even has access here to send me messages, yet hasn’t reached out to me in the slightest. I am worried she may be hurt or in trouble. I hope I am wrong…

[Iradtoki]

Master Nulaa arrived to see me and we discussed many things. We spoke for hours over things and honestly she lightened my heart considerably. I enjoyed spending time with her again and we spoke about my future training. I look forward to many of the lessons now that I know I won’t be kicked out of the Jedi.

I am walking again, but its like walking on broken glass, every step is agony, but I refuse to surrender. I must keep going and fighting, Master Nulaa even said she was proud of the determination I have to keep fighting. I will get better and stronger. The hardest part will be the drug abuse I think to overcome.

I am finally free of my Master on Tattooine, now I need to free myself from what he has left behind, with my Master Nulaa and all my friends standing behind and beside me, I have no doubt I can accomplish this too.

[Iradtoki]

Master Vrake is officially missing, its worrying but we need to focus on beating Quintzac and getting him back home safely. I would still like to bring him in alive but I am having more and more doubts that this will even be possible. All I can do is try to prepare.

I actually gave a lesson today, the first one since I stopped teaching Zain. A lesson in shielding the mind. I figure we might need it in going against him since he seems to use our fears against us which means if he is, he is scanning our memories for it. Jaycen and Adelle seem to be doing fairly good in this lesson.

I need to get my footing back and be ready to fight, there is not an option anymore. Master Vrakes life may depend on my recovery. I will not willingly allow him to die if I might save him. Please hang in there Master Vrake.

[Iradtoki]

You know whats really annoying? People shutting you out of everything. It was extremely painful to find out Crystal is apparently part of the government from TARA…Tara who wasn’t even around when all this happened. Seela and them told her but not one of them could even think to tell me? Not a word from Crystal even though I was in charge of medical aid, protection, feeding and clothing refugees for almost a month when all this was happening, but no, no one tells me anything.

Why is it no one deems I am important enough to tell me anything? Do I do something that deserves to be kept in the dark? Am I not worth updating about this kinda stuff? Most would think I am being petty for being this upset by it, yet at the same time, is it not petty to work someone for a month straight, fight desperately against a dark Jedi to keep them alive, push the Republic into evacing them and relocating them so they can have a better life…just to keep them in the bloody dark for any outcome…Yeah this upsets me, no one else could even waste the breath to tell me, I had to find out from Tara…Leaves me wonder if I really am nothing more then a wanna be outsider to them sometimes.

[Iradtoki]

So Master,

I ran my first mediation today, I won’t deny I was nervous as heck while I was doing it, but it needed to be done. Tran and Zain had been bickering for some time and it was starting to turn very much into heated conflict. Meeting Trans sister Nico I sat her down in Zains and asked if Tran was in fact her brother and verified as I suspected that they had grown up in a rough environment. I asked her if she would help me speak with Tran and Zain to try and resolve the conflict. So we called Tran there to come and sit.

I started by setting the ground rules. All would be given the chance to talk, and I would only interfere if things were getting heated to cool things down. Nico was there for her brother as she knew him better then I did and could help keep him calm, as I did with Zain, which she did so on a number of occasions as I did with Zain.

It turned out that when Tran showed up the first time to sell to Zain he had appeared to Zain as if he was casing the place. Rather then talk to him about it, Zain immediately assumed that’s what he was doing and kicked him out. I advised Zain that by doing this he created conflict by jumping to conclusions, lacking communications and making rash decisions. That this was also why wars were started.

Zain agreed and acknowledged that he had done wrong and apologized to Tran. Tran accepted this and accepted my suggestion of being willing to start over under the agreement that Zain never accuses him of things like that again. Tran left soon after and all for the time seems calm and to be going back to normal. Hopefully this will stop the boys fighting and this becoming a larger issue in the future.

[Iradtoki]

Birthplace: Discovered to be Tattooine

Species: Twi’lek

Age: 25

Skin color: Teal

Eye color: Sea blue

Height: 6ft.

Build: Very curved and slim, very easy on the eyes drawing men to stop and stare.

Scars:

A burned in brand mark on her neck in the symbol of a slave of the Hutt Cartel
Deep scar on the right side of her face
Her back is nothing but heavy scarring from the whip
Deep burn scar on her shoulder blade.
Whip scars on the back of her legs
Burn on the inner thigh
Burn above left breast
Deep scar on her left lekku.

Weapons: A very old looking quarterstaff.

[Iradtoki]

I am torn in so many ways, I don’t know what to feel or do. For the first time since arriving back from my captivity, I truly felt like I was back in front of my Master back on Tattooine. All because Ashla was told that she was rude. Rather then Nulaa coming to talk to me, I was ganged up on like the torturers would and made to feel like I was being attacked over and over and over again. No one explained ever that if you have an issue with a Master, take it to another room behind closed doors. It never came up before as me and Nulaa were generally always alone or everyone was welcome. Apparently though, making mistakes that you know nothing about is a cardinal sin and completely unforgivable.

Then they dared to start on Zain, deeming to blame him for them not being informed I was kidnapped, well where the hell was Althea who was there when I was kidnapped? Or Sandra their favorite Knight, or Jaycen, none of them were considered for not telling the Masters, yet they ALL knew about it. Then they dared push “Well why was he in charge of the mission” Simple answer, cause no one else bothered. Zain decided to lead a rescue to get me as no one else seemed to be trying.

Zain is my best friend. He has done more for me then anyone else has and is always there to support me. He has pushed me to be a Knight since I can remember, hell he helped me join the Order. Now the Order demands I stay away from him? Then tried to say I had to move out. Had Sandra approached me on her own, asked me to come stay with her before this…I might have, but considering all this, on top of the fact she has been acting like she outright hates me. I don’t feel comfortable anymore.

Nate said one thing that got me thinking more then anything though, and it was just off the cuff and to the point and it makes me think a lot. “The Order just needs to realize that your needs aren’t the same as theirs and if they cannot respect that, your home is here.”

I don’t know what Nulaa and Keyan will decide for me, but I cannot lie, I feel like there is an invisible collar around my neck now. One I never felt before today, and I am simply waiting for the one with the whip to walk in and remind me my place. I don’t like this feeling, not at all.

//

[Iradtoki]

Nulaa has abandoned me entirely. Her words when she walked in…she didn’t care who was there, didn’t even try to speak to me first, just…“I’m no longer your Master, good luck with the next one.” It was like being punched in the gut. Even Master Ashla truly looked taken back as Nulaa turned and just walked out. I had wanted to talk to Nulaa, apologize and try to make things right. Instead…all I got was a reminder I was stupid to allow anyone in that close. I had grown close to her, trusted her, let her in closer then I have anyone.

I wanted to just end it all right there and then. Master Ashla got me to calm, but the final lesson Nulaa taught me, will sit with me forever…never let anyone in that close…not a Master, not a friend…not anyone…it just leads to me being hurt and being used and thrown away the moment I don’t meet expectations. I won’t…I won’t do this again. I won’t allow anyone to do this to me again. I was stupid and naive to let anyone that close…I had thought being free of slavery, I could open up and let people in, and Nulaa was the first…the closest to my heart…She proved I was stupid and wrong.

Then again, maybe it just begs the question, what the hell does a slave know about anything?

//

[Iradtoki]

Master…

I don’t know if you still read this, I pray you do and that this message actually reaches you…

I’m sorry…I wanted to say it that day you came, I had hoped to speak with you to tell you such, but I never got the chance. I am sorry I failed you as a student. I never wanted to do that. My time with you is something I always cherished close and I know in the end I came off as ungrateful and foolish. Though I pray you can forgive me. I can’t undo what was done. I don’t know if you would ever take me back. Though I do hope to hear from you…if your willing. If not, then I hope you are well, and continue to improve the lives of others around you. I keep your staff close as a reminder of the things you did teach me.

Ira.

[Iradtoki]

What is my goals, that was a question the Therapist asked me the first day. Goals are good to have, healthy even. So if I had to give my main priority goal, it would be to become a Consular. Second, would be to find the purple crystals. They are the crystals that resonate within me and draw me in. I am still going to work to become a Jedi, no matter how many times I fail, because the failures don’t matter in the long run, its how many times you get up, right?

Jerr gave me some history lessons on how the Jedi were formed, and about the Sith, how we are responsible for what they became before their extinction. A good reminder about being responsible for our choices, and the consequences of our actions that can effect others. Jerr still has to tell me the second half of that story which I am curious to hear about how they went extinct.

Therapy is going well, its slow but we are making progress, I wound up fully breaking down today, though she said that was good, normal even. That I need to go through a grieving process I have been all but denying. The sleeping pills are working, I am at least finally getting some sleep. Hopefully things will improve soon.

// Images found and edited by EtherealVanity (Iuyihp’uru), so much love to them for this pic!!!

[Iradtoki]

So much is happening around me. War has broken out due to the Sith, pathways have officially opened up to Hutlar and Tattooine, I was even invited to Tattooine by Sandra, though after the sacrifice to get me off Tattooine, I will never willingly go there. Even in disguise there is far too many risks. I did appreciate her invite. I just cannot willingly put myself in that risk lest I undo what Andro and Lucas died trying to stop.

I have attained my medical degree in general medical practice. Took me six months. I know I have heard others talk about how it took them a week, but they were doing basic study compared to going for a lower doctorate. I needed this to continue my path as a future Consular. It feels good to have finally achieved something I have spent so long working at. First in learning to read and write, then in the studies and practical uses. I can’t wait to tell Seela whom I am supposed to meet up with soon. I don’t get to see her often so like to when I can.

I started a new type of therapy with Zain, he has a very hard time letting go of slights and anger. He has granted me access to his journal and we are going through it from the first entry to the last, talking about the issues in it then having him slowly forgive either himself or the person, then completely let it go. I am hoping this will help him in the long run though I do expect some issues early on as he struggles through this emotionally. We are going very slow in this because of how in depth some of these emotions are going to be. Hopefully though it will help.

[Iradtoki]

So, I have a new Master and honestly I couldn’t be more excited. Seela has taken me as her student and honestly we do feel like a good match. We both come from darker backgrounds and she was always with me even in the beginning. I always felt she would make a good Jedi Knight and Master, I am glad she finally made it, and I am her first student. She is devoted to healing like I am and strongly understands my goals.

Zain was very happy for me to have a new teacher, though I had to affirm a growing concern of the Masters that we weren’t anything more then friends. That part of it really hurt him I think. Though he wants me to succeed at being a Jedi, and he told me to become the best Consular I can and help as many as I can. I will do so.

The first lesson was meditation by the pond, while the sound of flowing water has always been my focus point, learning to meditate anywhere would be a good thing. Also we are going to focus on me learning how to shut people out. Which is really a good thing. Right now in the war I feel I would be a liability until I learn to shut things out better. I told Seela that honestly and I think its one of the main reasons she wants to focus on that first.

[Iradtoki]

I feel like a stranger returning here, so many I don’t know now and so few I do. I had to leave when I did, I had to find myself before I lost myself entirely. I loved Seela as my mentor, but I had to find myself. I know she would understand. I was so lost I was breaking inside and out and my heart was no longer in what I was doing. I had to heal me first and discover some things about me before I could continue.

I was with Zain, we found love for a while. It didn’t last though. We were not compatible but now I know what I was at least feeling, but I do not seek such again. I have found healing for my heart and soul. I am ready to continue once more. Now I just wait to hear back from the Jedi on weather or not they will have me back, I did make attempt at contact, but they have not responded yet.

It seems the virus from just before I left has returned, though getting anyone to listen about it is very difficult. I sent word on the Jedi network so hopefully those more skilled then me will get the information and get a working cure. Hopefully soon I can go back to my studies. I don’t honestly know what I will do otherwise.

[Iradtoki]

A recording is attached to the entry, Mart and Ira seen standing in the rain in front of the pyre

This should have been done months ago, before I left. I am sorry it took me this long to see you join the eternal march my brother, I wanted to see you to rest soon, but I got in my own way. Mart has helped to see you off. I still miss you constantly and keep the convor plushie you made me close, we burned the aradile one though as its all I had of you for the sending. I still hate that we had to leave you behind. You were one of my biggest supporters and I have not forgotten that at all.

I’m not a Jedi anymore. I left the dream behind now as I remember the feeling I got from Keyan…that I didn’t belong. That he didn’t really want me there or to be offering me another chance, but to outright reject would look bad, so they went with Sandras offer. I turned it down though. One last chance…that was his words…one last chance before we remove you for good. Vrake was hard to read, but Keyan never really cared for me. He didn’t even take protecting me seriously…I told him repeatedly bounty hunters were attacking me…all he ever said was lay low…that never worked. I wasn’t too surprised I was eventually caught. I do blame some of their deaths on him. Had he done what he had sworn to do…maybe Andro would still be here…I should meditate…

[Iradtoki]

Hypocrisy - I find it amusing when Sandra and Althea sit and preach that Justice and Vengeance are the same thing, yet the Jedi claim to be upholders of Justice for the Republic. How easily we can fault one mans vengeance, yet downplay it for our own. The Jedi are drowning in their own hubris. Prideful, arrogant, liars, murderers. Their hypocrisy is without end. It is rather amusing at the end of the day.

So much changes so fast, the world, the planet, the galaxy, you start to learn different perspectives as you sit back and watch. Its been over a week since I asked the council for an official planetary license. A chat that would take all of five minutes, yet as always it takes forever, politics never fail to keep you waiting. Hopefully soon I will hear back, Kho said he needs to sit and talk with Mart…

[Iradtoki]

I started going by Rai. I don’t know why I chose that name, yet it works and is short. I watched Althea and Mart today, as well as a few others. Little has changed since I cloistered myself away. At least on the outside. I never got the license. I gave up on that. I watch from the distance. Yet I know, I no longer belong among them. I still miss Seela, the pain of the betrayal by Nulaa, losing everything I cared for…everything they stole from me. No…I will not forgive them…not now…not ever.

the writing trails off into random gibberish not really intelligible